Washington City Paper: Contents for May. 4

A Quick Trip to the Grocery Store
Crime really does pay. Until, that is, you get caught. Then it stops paying really quickly.

Cover Story

Crime really does pay. Until, that is, you get caught. Then it stops paying really quickly.

Illustrations by Robert Meganck

"May I help you, sir?" the store manager asks. "Umm...thanks anyway," I reply. "I'm just fine."

No, I am not fine. I am standing here in the canned-goods aisle of the Soviet Safeway on 17th Street with a backpack full of contraband. And I am so busted.

"Can I look in your bag, sir?"

Safeway imposes a ruthlessly enforced smile policy on its employees. The customer is always right. But not me. Not today. I am a wrong number. And the store manager, who is built like a massive 12-ounce beer can, is not smiling. For one mad moment, I think about bolting for the door. But freedom is at least nine aisles away, and there is this 200-pound unsmiling beer can standing in my way. Besides which, my sprinting days are effectively past me. Anyway, even middle-aged scumbag shoplifters have their dignity, however tattered.

"Oops," I say.

And then Beer Can's hand is clamped on my elbow as I'm marched behind the meat counter and up the stairs to the store office. A small rubbernecking crowd of store employees gathers, soon supplemented by a couple of cops. I am directed to unpack my satchel.

It is a lot of stuff. A big bottle of Excedrin and two smaller bottles of gingko biloba. (Like I said, I'm not getting any younger.) A half-dozen packages of chocolate chips and pecan pieces. A couple of rib-eye steaks. And two cartons of Camel Lights.

Beer Can can't believe it.

"Who the hell gave you the cigarettes?" he snarls.... Continued

Issue of May. 4 - 10, 2001

News and Features

A Quick Trip to the Grocery Store
Crime really does pay. Until, that is, you get caught. Then it stops paying really quickly.
Cover Story By David C. Morrison
Call of the Wild
Pampered D.C. pooches run free at Battery Kemble—when police aren't looking.
The City By Melinda Wittstock
Close the Door
FHA mortgage delinquencies are up, and borrowers find there's no easy way out.
The City By Dave Mann
Milky Fray
Vegans take aim at the mayor's new mustache.
The City By Ayesha Morris
Anything You Can Do...
The Mail By Neil Steyskal
Myopia
The Mail By Calum Gunn
Red Bliss
The Mail By Tim Brennan
Red Bliss
The Mail By Tim Brennan
Mother's Days
The Mail By Saul Schniderman
Nasty Boy
The Mail By David Barnes

Columns

No. 1 With the Bullets
Cheap Seats By Dave McKenna
Home Rule Defenders?
Loose Lips By Jonetta Rose Barras
Photo Caption of the Week
City Desk
Deep-Rooted Problem
City Desk By Garance Franke-Ruta
Burn, Baby, Burn!
City Desk By Richard Byrne

Eats

Movies

Fat City
Film Review By Joel E. Siegel
Shock Treatment
Film Review By Mark Jenkins
Town & Country
Film Review By Sean Daly
Once Upon a Time in China
Film Review By Mark Jenkins
The Forsaken
Film Review By Tricia Olszewski

Music

Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nuthin'
Music Review By Ta-Nehisi Coates
Resistance Is Futile
Music Review By Michael Little

Theater

Do You Believe in Life After Love?
Theater Review By Trey Graham
Terra Incognita
Theater Review By Bob Mondello

Arts and Events

Love Drum Talk
For half a century, percussionist Babatunde Olatunji has spread his message of fellowship through music around the globe. Now he's trying to bring it to D.C.
Arts By Felix Gillette
Urbis et Orbis
Books By Louis Jacobson
Immigration Papers
Gallery Review By June Shih
Hidden in Plane Sight
Artifacts By Louis Jacobson
Please Don't Be Seated
Artifacts By Bradford McKee