The Devil and Mr. Johnson
And other tales from the night shift at a hospital near you
Cover Story
And other tales from the night shift at a hospital near you
Illustrations by Bill Koeb
My shift starts at 7 p.m. Tonight, at least, I know all of my patients already. It could be worse--and often is. I go room to room, making the rounds to reintroduce myself. Knowing all my patients at the start of a shift usually means I know what to do for them--and good ways to do it. Today, there are four. Ms. Henderson* and Mr. Smith are easy patients, with stable health and uncomplicated needs. Mr. Johnson is a little more trouble, and Ms. Rice--well, her day-shift nurse just told me, "That bitch asks for pain medicine and won't take no for an answer."
If the patients were new to me, I'd need to find out how sick or out-of-it they were. But whether I know them or not, the first thing I do is calculate how many are likely to shit or pee in their beds and how often. Then I go to the supply room and collect linen accordingly. A hospital nurse spends 30 percent to 70 percent of her time managing human waste. Clean linen goes fast, so you learn to get it into your patients' rooms as soon as possible. Tonight, I add extra linen to my calculations. I bring it into Room 31. That would be Mr. Johnson's room.
"He ain't here yet," Mr. Johnson tells me. He means the devil. Using the linen I have brought, I am going to try to swaddle Mr. Johnson to prevent Satan from sodomizing him. I put extra pillowcases, a draw sheet, rolls of gauze, and a roll of tape down on the chair.
"I never see anyone but hospital people and your friend in this room." Never works, but I try it, just in case.
"You can't see him," he explains.... Continued 
Issue of Mar. 3 - 9, 2000
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