Reviewed: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Michael Bay's latest piece of cinematic sadism
Schlocktimus Prime: Michael Bay has created something tasteless and unwatchable.
Michael Bay, as a filmmaker, is a fucking tool. His latest and most egregious piece of cinematic sadism, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, is nearly unwatchable, a 140-minute video game that will insult your intelligence, hurt your eyes, and offend your sense of decency until you worry that your skull might explode while your brain trickles right out of your ears. Unfathomably, it’s miles worse than its predecessor, 2007’s Transformers, suggesting that perhaps the words “in association with Hasbro” should have never graced a screen to begin with. There’s an alleged story to accompany this visual assault—by a trio of scripters that, also unfathomably, include Star Trek writers Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman—involving a kid named Sam (Shia LaBeouf), his hot gearhead girlfriend, Mikaela (Megan Fox), and warring alien robots that can morph from everyday objects into ’droids. The Autobots are good and the Decepticons are bad. Sam heads off to his first year of college at the beginning of the film and gives Mikaela some vaguely important shard for safekeeping. Then he starts having epilepsy-like fits and seeing weird symbols, and soon shit goes bananas. For two more hours! Even if you initially admire the bluster of Bay’s action and note that these ’bots could have nicely energized Terminator Salvation, the endless loop of battle-destruction-explosion-repeat gets tedious fast. And when things aren’t blowing up, the scenes are often embarrassing: John Turturro appears in a thong; two “urban”-sounding robots say they don’t do much reading; another robot has balls that hang like Christmas ornaments. (You wouldn’t know what they were if Turturro’s character didn’t mention being under a “scrotum.”) And the humor runs along the lines of Sam’s cartoonish mother eating pot brownies and knocking herself out on a hanging plant. The real tragedy, though, is that the film is sure to break the box office and will have those who aren’t cringing instead whooping with delight. Weep for America.
Comments
1:10 am
I wish someone would kill Michael Bay. Has he ever made a good movie? Ugh. And he's super rich. I hate him.
2:19 pm
Now that was an awesome review. Weeeeep for America!
4:14 pm
This movie would have been merely bad, but the racist stereotypes, gay-bashing humor (at one point the ghetto-talking green car calls one of the characters a p***y and tells him to "go cry to his boyfriend" ) and constant, low-brow sexual innuendo was appalling in a movie targeted at 7-10 year olds, the market for Transformer toys.
I wanted to cover every little pair of ears in the audience, but I only had hands for my own son.
5:35 pm
I don't mean to sound offensive but I have a hard time believing these movies are targeted towards 7-10 year olds considering the the fact that it is rated PG13 in the states... Now with that said the original television cartoon was oriented to this group and I can see how this can pose a problem to those in this age group who do find a way to see it (via parents or what ever the source may be). But I did find that this movie to be quite entertaining and I could also see how some would find it pointless and unreasonable with all of the explosions and animations. I would like to point out the fact that this is what most teenagers (especially teenage males) are wanting to see... Big ass robots blowing the shit out of each other with some crude humour here and there. For this reason I believe that the target audience to be this teenage crowd of around 13 and above. So I believe that Bay captured what the majority of this crowd wanted to witness... Crazy fight scenes mixed with humour
7:55 pm
Ok, so what the fuck were you exactly expecting this movie to be? the next Schindler's list?? It was targeted towards Transformers fans and it very well delivered; light humor and great action sequences.
Also people are complaining about the excessive use of CGI, The movie was about giant robots beating the shit out of each other, how the fuck are you supposed to do that with out CGI???? and it's not like the effects were bad or something, the first movie was nominated for 3 Oscars, one of e'm was for visual effects.
I really don't get all the excessive hate towards this movie, it wasn't the best but it certainly not as bad as you fuckers make it out to be.
8:53 pm
Well Optimus, when a movie concentrates too much on the visual deliciousy than the story, it misses out alot of big fundamental characteristics of story-telling. The characters lack character development. Think about it. If you were Sam, with a robot alien bodyguard friend and his gang, and all that you've been through with them and Mikaela in the last film, which reveals to the audience that: you're not going to hang with them anymore.The scene that Sam declines to Optimus Prime's request for him to go talk to the government on behalf of the Transformers is so bad. The awkardness of the speed of their conversation and the decision of the characters are so bad that they can only be believable in a bad movie, as it is.
And the fight scenes, transform scenes are over-used to an extent that i puked action before the end of the movie.
One other thing i'd like to point out, is the plot. Which seems to me that it is really really random. I felt like i was seeing slices of alot of other films which i liked (as a child). I felt like i was watching Terminator 3 (later college scene), Star Wars (megatron, the fallen conversation scene, and the continued repetition of "it is your destiny", "fulfill you destiny"), The Matrix (brain probe scene), The Mummy (egypt scene), and Friday (The two stereotypical twins, no that was a joke, but these 2 bots suck real bad, they are the worst since episode 1's Jar Jar Binks)
The lady transformer is such a disgrace to the script. She served as nothing else but a tension to Sam and Mikaela's relationship, which imagine you were Sam, it'd be unreal for you to turn down a piece like Mikaela, come on (like i said, only believable in a bad movie), i'll move on now.
I'm happy for you if you enjoy it, probably be envious at you easily amused people too. But you have to realize that Transformers 2 is far from my standards of story-telling. Michael Bay only got Special Effects tricks up his pockets, and less original ideas.
9:12 pm
Great review! Better than the movie. And the less said about that the better.
2:52 pm
"Michael Bay is a fucking tool". Is that what qualifies for critical insight nowadays? I agree with the guy who said "What were you expecting? Schindler's List". You have to prove your critical bonafides by shitting on Transformers? Please.. its a popcorn action movie.. Were you really looking for well-crafted plotlines and well-written dialogue when you sat down? Take it for what it is and move on to your next review praising the next upteenth Elizabethan drama piece to hit theaters.
7:04 pm
"Michael Bay is a fucking tool". Is that what qualifies for critical insight nowadays? I agree with the guy who said "What were you expecting? Schindler's List".
Probably i would expect THE DARK KNIGHT, but instead i will get BATMAN AND ROBIN. The fact that TRANSFOMERS is a movie about Giant Robots doesn't mean that it has be a bad movie full of FX. Why TDK, a movie about a guy in a bat suit fighting a mad clown managed to deliver a strong message about what is justice and truth.
Original Transformers cartoon dealt with the idea of preserving the planet. The Decepticons were trying to suck up all the energy sources of the world in order to go back to Cybertron while the Transformers were trying to stopped them and avoid Earth to become a desert. Of course we have the fights and the laser beams but the story was pretty decent.
Now we have a bunch of huge Robots destroying the planet (both Transformers and Decepticons alike) for God knows what reason (reason is that Michael Bay need to use FX money) while a lame guy is going around the world with them showing off his hot girlfriend, who is with him for god knows what reason (reason is Megan Fox is hot and a lot of guys , as lame as the guy in the movie, will go and masturbate to her photos afterward).
In a real genius hands, the movie could be more than a nonsense FX festival... it could be a milestone in SFI genre. Too bad they had Bay as director and people is lame enough to be happy with boobs and explotions.
7:14 pm
Weep for America is right. Has Spielberg lost his mind?
Transformers 2 is a basically a soft porn trap for kids under 16. The theater was packed with families with little kids under 10 who were subjected to an unending parade of hot chicks, dogs humping each other, on-campus seductions, bad language, crude jokes and even a g-string being worked into the script. This movie was targeted at 17 year olds, not 10 year olds.
Steven Spielberg has betrayed the moral trust of the first Transformers audience.
We expected Transformers, an action adventure you could safely take an 8-10 year old to, not an introductory course on moral ineptitude, Hollywood sexual unreality, and loads of mindless, numbing, foul language. The visual effects are irrelevant, overridden by an attempt to open this up to another, older audience.
Hasbro Corporation is one who is really culpable here since I don't know many 17 year olds that are asking for Optimus Prime for Christmas. The target market for these products is clearly a market that should not be subjected to this crap.
A boycott may be in order since the only thing this crowd seems to understand is money.
I may be upset enough to organize it... Social media works both ways.
7:41 pm
maybe those who liked the movie didn't tire of the excessive explosions and clanking metal because the movie was named "transformers," and that's the only reason
coming into this, nobody expected it to be some great cinematic achievment like schindler's list or whatever. however, we did want it to be a good movie with story and character.
the 1st transformers was no shakespeare, but it did have those elements. this sequel has none. there is no story line worth caring about. the story gets vague and convoluted, and it eventually boils down to: the good guys try to get to some object before the bad guys. as a result, shit blows up. don't tell me that it was any different from the first one becuase of the "matrix" or the "sun stealer." it was the same plot, but done poorly.
characters... sam witwicky was no longer a person in this movie. he was just a puppet that ran from place to place and shouted NOOO and made a few wise cracks now and then. you don't see the human side of him at all. in the first movie they made good use of shia's acting, and we saw sam as an awkward scared boy trying to take on greater things. in this movie his character is buried by the excessive explosions. he becomes a puppet. megan fox is more or less the same, and still hot, so she didnt bother me. i mean, she's megan fox. that one guy that sam met in college was a completely pointless character, and did nothing for the "story." i think he was there for comic relief, but i didn't find him funny. basically the human characters are either cardboard cutouts, walking punchlines, blowup dolls, or sterotypes. (except for simmons)
action is long, excessive, and boring to the point of numbing the mind. the effects are really well done, no one's saying they're not. and yeah, this is an action robot movie, no one's denying that. but the point is, the CGI action is just abused; it just drags on and on. if several of the unnecessary fight scenes were cut out, the more important fight scenes would have seemed more significant and badass. but no. we just get more and more footage of clanking metal spinning around the screen. eventualy it all becomes the same and none of it matters anymore. some people out there enjoyed all the excessive action. that's great for them. but for the people who didn't like it, it's because it got excessive and repetetive and boring. that's what i think.
people didn't hate on this movie because they expected it to be hamlet or whatever. they're not wannabe high class people sipping tea. they're just people who walked in wanting to see a good movie which told a story and had characters worth caring about, with some action mixed in. instead of all that, the movie gave puppet characters, joke characters (the mom), vulgar humour (it's funny because it's humping! sex is funny!), and on top of that, too much shit blowing up. some people like that and some don't. i think those who liked this movie would have liked it no matter what, and liked it before they even saw it. no comments or reviews will change anything. but i didnt like it because it was boring and stupid.
8:45 pm
Okay the visual effects are unnecessary... How so? because if you have a fucking robot that looks like Optimus Prime or Megatron chilling in your closest to use for the movie. Be my guest and give it to Bay so he can use it for a future film please.
11:37 pm
I would be interested in seeing the "behind the scenes" documentary of John Turturro spinning the cylinder of a hand gun and putting it in his mouth and pulling the trigger every morning before filming.
Yep John you didn't read the fine print when you signed that contract w/ Mr Scratch (Michael Bay).
4:21 am
This article is excellent and summarizes this pile of crap they call a film. The people who loved this film are only there to see pretty graphics, things blow up, and most likely Megan Fox. This is how dumb America has become, to become so enthralled with pretty graphics and good looking girls, they start drooling and become a little bit dumber with each passing moment. Hollywood in general has lost sight of everything and it makes me not want to watch another movie again. Almost everything out there is a remake, because Hollywood is lazy and dumb, so they can't come up with any new ideas, and their standards to be a "good" actor/actress are ridiculously low. I'm pretty sure a corpse could play better roles than most of what's out there. On top of all the remakes, they keep ruining all the genres, especially all my favorites, such as the anime, video game, comic book, and all the older stuff I grew up on (IE: G.I. Joe, Transformers, etc...) genres. Hollywood...ENOUGH! STOP IT!
10:54 am
I'm soooooo glad I read these reviews before wasting my money on this worthless movie.
4:59 pm
I have to agree with Cheese. The immediate response to someone who doesn't like Transformers should not be "what were you expecting?". That implies that, despite the fact that Michael Bay has made a bad movie, Bay should get a free pass and everyone should proclaim this a slam-bang action-packed thrill ride because the bar is already set so extremely low by his past transgressions against cinema that the only logical defense against negative criticism is "what did you expect?".
If a movie is bad, it should be deemed to be so by everyone who thinks that way. Pointing out that the target audience is teenage guys shouldn't excuse a horrendous pile of shit being made, nor should its massive box-office success imply some standard of quality (case in point: The Pirates sequels, Spider-Man 3, and Transformers 1).
6:46 pm
Funny,
I thought going to the movies was about having fun and not to analyze the heck out the characters and the story structure. Get a life!
7:40 pm
Well, I don't know what is worse...this crappy review, or the comments underneath.
I mean yes, I've seen the movie, and yes, it has it's flaws, but bashing everything just because it's not your type of a movie is nonsense. It's an action movie, people don't go to see it so they can develop their inner-selves, they go to see explosions and action...and for that Michael Bay delivers.
Of course, the plot is week, Shia and Magen deliver medium performances, but hey, Transformers 2 isn't aiming for oscars.
As for racism and anti-gay propaganda? It hasn't even occured to me while watching. The robots are meant to be funny, nothing more, nothing less. The fact that THEY don't read, doesn't mean that Bay is saying that EVERY BLACK PERSON is an analphabet. Get a grip people.
As for the "cry to your boyfriend" comment...if it did bother you, you have serious issues. I'm going to keep this friendly and say, boy, you watch the action movie or you're looking into each line to find something to pick on? Get a grip (AGAIN).
As for the review author, I hope you don't get paid for your work (bashing Bay's movie for absurd reasons, while using words like *fuck* in a public review?). Seriously, look for a career advisor and find something else to do. Reviews shouldn't be subjective, and should be written in a civilised manner.
7/10 for Bay's movie, 0/10 for this review, if you can call it that
8:12 pm
You had me from the opening sentence.
9:48 pm
I totally agree with you, however I wouldn't compare it to a video game as most video games these day have wwwaaaaaaaayyyy better plots and acting then this slo mo turd.
I like explosions as much as the next person but you have to care why it explodes :)
11:25 pm
Props to Michael Bay for being a successful Republican film maker. I'll see the new Transformers just to support him and put a few more bucks in his pocked. If crap movies are being made, I'd rather they were made by conservatives.
10:59 am
Boo Hoo. My film about giant battling robots had too much giant battling robots. You expected Macbeth? The first one had a bunch of dumb crap thrown in for the kids. The second one is supposed to be bigger and shinier so I'd expect more dumb crap thrown in for the kids. "I didn't find the guy Sam met in the blah blah to be realistic and blah blah backstory..." It's a movie about giant battling robots, dick. Robots, explosions, crash, boom...that sort of shit. I hope Bay takes most of his cut from this film and builds a giant golden robot statue on his front lawn with a giant golden robot middle finger gloriously raised in tribute to all the pseudo-intellectual assholes who cried about his movie.
1:39 pm
Apparently, there are only two kinds of movies made: crap-action and macbeth. You know, you can have an action movie be a really good MOVIE with really great action too (Iron Man comes to mind, or perhaps the Dark Knight). Being an action movie is not a ready made excuse for crap. And because a reviewer doesnt like an action movie as a *movie*, doesnt mean that they dont like it "for personal reasons". They dont like it because it was a crap movie! Yes, it's an FX movie about giant robots... that doesnt mean it needs over 2 friggin hours of nothing but battling spinning blurring robot fights and nothing else. Gawd... the fanboys are pathetic in trying to defend this crap. Weep for America, indeed.
1:54 pm
As much as I enjoy a good brain-dead sci-fi action movie, TF2 had some serious flaws. Some tech guy literally spent weeks of his liife computer modeling Devastator's junk, but the scriptwriters couldn't take 2 hours to notice flaws in the script that even a 10-year old could spot. Quite a few of the action scenes were blurry and confusing, and most of the decepticon characters looked nearly identical when not in their vehicle modes. As a red-blooded American male, Megan Fox, crude humor, and explosions is a good thing. But if you're going to blow the budget of a large South American country on special effects, you could at least shell out a few bucks for a script that is internally consistent and has cleverer dialogue.
2:24 pm
@Vladeck: Wow, I completely missed the "go cry to his boyfriend" line. Ugh.
@Matt: re "move on to your next review praising the next upteenth Elizabethan drama piece to hit theaters."
Have you even READ any of my other reviews? I'm more likely to yawn through another Elizabethan drama than bash a blockbuster. But crap is crap in either genre.
But to anyone who liked it, great. Thanks to my defenders and to everyone for keeping this debate relatively civilized.
3:21 pm
The movie did not do a good job of informing non-fans of the transformer movies about the origin, characters and backstories. If you were a fan of the Transformers cartoon and comicbook than you would have no problems filling in blanks. The visuals is what i have been waiting for for over 25 years. The fight scenes were everything i have been waiting for! Fuck the story! The essence of the story was the fighting between the Decepticons and Autobots not the backstory? Most of you negative critics don't understand and will never understand the adult child that enjoys seeing his boyhood figurines come to life on big screen.
7:21 pm
This article is shit to me, whats so funny about this trick doing the writing is the same as every other so called critic, you will stand in line to see the next one. And if you didn't like the first one why would you see the sequel, oh because its your job, idiots! Some people just like action and the director has enough balls to say fuck all you ass holes and go with the majority. The movie does not need a story line dum ass, theres enough drama in theatres and too much sex, we want to see something that we dont see in real life, Let me guess, wasn't enough love scenes, not enough talking. The directors a tool, yeah a very rich. Go watch gone with the wind trick. Good job MB, these super haters will be back to give you more money on the next one. what bunch of losers
9:29 pm
Unfortunately, this movie was not for Transformers fans. A Transformers fan has respect for the ideas, the characters, and the overall concept. This film was for Michael Bay fans. He admitted before he made the first movie that he didn't know much about the franchise (tv series, comics, or toy line). Yet he thought he could make a film out of a respected, well-establised canon without respecting the source material. Christopher Nolan took liberties with Batman in his two movies, but they were truly excellent because he had respect for the characters, the concept, and the themes. Michael Bay makes movies that cater to the lowest common denominator of movie-goers, and that's exactly who liked Transformers: ROTF. Jive-talking Amos & Andy Bots? Giant robo-nuts? Leg-humping mini-bots? Really? Really??? Watch out for Michael Bay films, and watch out for the people that enjoy them. They'll probably think that you getting hit by a bus is funny too...
9:59 pm
GOOD "action" movies: The Dark Knight, Iron Man, Star Trek, Hellboy, The Terminator, Aliens, Spider-Man, Dawn of the Dead 2004, etc.
BAD "action" movies: Transformers 2, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, The Punisher, The Spirit, Speed Racer, any Brian Bosworth movie, any Steven Segal movie, and... Runaway (Tom Selleck and Gene Simmons!)
That's right, action/fantasy/sci-fi/horror movies can be made well or made poorly. Shocking, in'nit?
So, no one is expecting Transformers 2 to be La Vie en Rose, mmmm'k? But that doesn't automatically qualify it for a pass to be a completely retarded imagining of it's own identity, either- much to the surprise of douchebags who see things in black and white.
3:20 pm
okay people lets get this straight this movie had a plot line you know the one about stopping the fallen from turning on the sun harvester and killing the planet that plot line. yes it is similar to the last movie and do you know why that is..... anyone.... anyone its because its a hero movie and that what hero movies are they are about the hero stopping the bad guy and saving the world.
as for your comments Autobot gunslinger I consider my self a transformers fan and have been so since a was a young boy. yes this movie is not for the FANBOY let me stress that not for the FANBOY who can not stand the littlest changes to the story but if you look past the small things youll see its not truly that different from g1.
to everyone who for some reason hate the twins and leo yes they are there for comic relief they are not there to be deep characters they do exactly what they were written to do break up the action with a little humor. As for the supposed racism and gay-bashing have been around a group of males between the ages of 16 and 30 recently thats how they act. you are reading far to much in to it.
now to address the comments on the target audience guess what is not 10 year old its 20 year old people that grew up with the transformers thats why it rated PG13 not G yes i know its accompanied by a toy line transformers has always been accompanied by a toy line if your kids see this movie telling them what's wrong with it is called get this be a parent stop whining.
last point and then I'm done for the people complaining that the decpeticons seem to have a lot of the same alt modes heres a thought multiple bot can scan the same thing just like the seekers did in the cartoon (starscream, skywarp, and thundercracker) they all turned in to f-15s who's to say this is not the same thing.
4:05 pm
I haven't seen the movie, but I expect this review is dead-on-balls-accurate. Too bad they went with Michael Bay - I so anticipated the Transformers movies, and if this one really is that much worse than the first, I will weep for America!
1:31 am
I mostly agree with optimus primes comment. I think the movie IS great for the transformers fans. And this personwho wrote this review
Is pretty dummy bithch fucker kind of guy. This is awsome and those who said its bad are dumbfuckers who know nothing but shit. Sorry but its true. Peace I'm out...
7:27 pm
You mam are a frickin patriot and you are brave and honorable to speak your mind. Your review is bang on and even though blowing things up are loud and fill space. It becomes predictable like a scream in a horror movie. Fill the space between our ears with an idea and plot twist and ahhhhhh. That would be a classic. Good wine makes good food better. This made my Friday.
2:02 pm
Transformers was way to long. Eventually, I got sick n tired of Megan Fox, his silly parents and the endless action sequences. I was finally glad when it ended
2:58 pm
I grew up on Transformers and G.I. Joe. I am also from a generation that had more fun imagining the reading material in my head. No movie has ever come close to what my imagination can produce. I'm hoping that I'm not exceptional in that respect. That said, we Americans live in a culture of violence. Michael Bay did what he usually gets paid for. Hasbro got a feature length commercial for their toys. Pubescent boys will have "pleasant" dreams thanks to all of the movie's action and Megan Fox.
Since we live in a free market enterprise, the best way to share your chagrin with the executive producers (and other stakeholders for this movie) is to boycott the movie and all of its associated products.
Otherwise, your rant is pointless and you need to find something better to do with your time than add your comment to a stream of ineffectual consciousness...in other words...stop pissing in the wind.
12:08 pm
What happened with the song 'Talk' is that it was all going great and then someone said 'That should be the first single' and we all just freaked out and scrapped it all. ,
9:27 am
The first panelist would be introduced by the announcer following the show's introduction, and each panelist would introduce the next in turn, with the last introducing Daly. ,
1:00 am
this movie isnt real its quite obvious now if you think that is an insult to intelligence your plain bonkers. in australia we loved this movie and want to know why because unlike you dumb yanks we have a sense of humor!!