An Insomniac’s Eulogy On a dark night, remembering Heath Ledger
Ledger & Christian Bale in The Dark Knight
About this time a year ago, I learned of Heath Ledger’s death. Like the rest of the world, I was stunned. Unlike the rest of the world, however—and I’m only guessing here—I still find myself affected by it, welling up whenever I try to watch his E! True Hollywood Story or see him being given yet another award for his final full performance as The Dark Knight’s Joker. (How eerie that the Inauguration bumped his Academy Award nomination from the habitual Tuesday to Jan. 22, his death date.)
Mostly, though, I think of him when I can’t sleep. While Ledger was filming The Dark Knight, he sat for an interview in which he seemed tweaked, exhausted, and uncomfortable. He talked about how sleepless nights plague him, how a couple of Ambien were only good for a couple hours’ rest: “I couldn’t stop thinking,” he told the New York Times. “My body was exhausted, and my mind was still going.”
And I know such nights too well—2 a.m. becomes 4; 4 a.m. becomes dawn. (I started this piece one long, sleepless night last week at 5:30 a.m., in fact, my frustration drifting to thoughts of this anniversary and why his death hit me so hard.)
So I’ll take a little of one drug and wait. Then a little more. Shit, I guess I’ll try something else. Fuck—now the sun’s up, and my neighbors are heading to work, and I really, really, really need to sleep. So one more hit, this time of something heavier. Ahhh...finally. Sure I’ll sleep until the afternoon on those occasions, but really, I can do that without drugs anyway.
So that’s the thought process I imagine was running through Ledger’s head that night. He’d just flown back from London; surely he was jet-lagged. He just wanted some rest. I look at the list of drugs found in his body, and they’re not all that different from the pharmacy I have scattered around the house, good-faith prescriptions to quell my migraines, my depression, my insomnia.
Granted, I don’t know how much he used or why he had them in the first place; the medical examiner emphasized that it was not the quantity but the combination of drugs that killed him. Reports on his rehab stint are conflicting—was it just research for his role as a junkie in Candy, or was he the compulsive partier from whom Michelle Williams had to separate herself and their daughter?
If Ledger’s passing were just another sad story of an addict who had one hit too many, I wouldn’t have cried so fiercely the day of his death, wandering my neighborhood that night in need of air and to calm myself after my husband accused me of being “too sensitive,” his concern not adequately sugarcoating what I interpreted as callousness. My reaction certainly was and continues to be oddly raw; I’ve never been a starfucker, though my lifelong sense of morbidity (anyone else weep while playing “American Pie” or “Que Sera, Sera” 45s as a kid?) pretty much guarantees that even the latest car-crash story will leave me a little misty-eyed.
And I’ve since realized that it’s not fear for my own life that I’m crying over but an empathetic ache knowing that someone, anyone, has experienced those dark nights of the soul (pardon the pun), to such an extreme that he killed himself trying to quell the demons.
I also mourn the talent lost, though I’m not going to say I saw it in Ledger his entire career. I scoffed at A Knight’s Tale and dismissed him as another pretty boy who’d never do anything interesting. (I did warm to him slightly, though, when I read an interview in which he blasted the film’s poster and tagline—He Will Rock You—which led his friends to taunt him with, “Hey Heath, are you going to rock us?”)
The first time I spotted brilliance in Ledger was when I reviewed Lords of Dogtown. I saw his name during the opening credits and promptly forgot it—surely it was going to be a terrible movie; it was about skateboarding, for God’s sake.
But the film ended up impressing me, and I looked up its production notes when I went home to write the review. Holy shit—that was Heath Ledger? The surfboard store-owner, the organizer of the team, the adult among kids who had bad hair and worse teeth and spoke like a West Coast waste case with a tube sock in his mouth? Unrecognizable, and not only because of the magic of makeup. Ledger was not much older than his co-stars, yet his character was years beyond them. He disappeared in the role. And that totally rocked me.
Then came Brokeback Mountain. The Australian, who had proved a deft Californian, was now a Midwestern ranch hand. His prettiness hardened; Ledger was now a mumbling, nearly uncommunicative man’s man. (You know what I mean, but go ahead and make your jokes anyway.) His performance broke your heart; his Academy Award nomination was well-deserved, and never a more promising young couple did you see than him and Williams on Oscar night: Beaming, gorgeous, the future high talents of film.
The posters for The Dark Knight had come out just before his death; I kept forgetting to mention them to my husband, to tell him how creepy and totally awesome the Joker looked like he was going to be. Then, on Jan. 22, the e-mail with a link to the news landed in my inbox, and suddenly the character’s scarred, horrific persona twisted my gut. How could I ever watch this ghastly merchant of death, knowing the actor died just after filming?
Months passed, and The Dark Knight opened, and I did, of course, watch it—several times, both in the theater and at home. I’ll probably go again now that it’s being rereleased, because I never did see it in IMAX.
Ledger’s Joker, unquestionably the triumph of the film, will again be larger than life. And maybe once he gets the Oscar—as if another outcome is even possible—I’ll finally be able to make peace with his death.
Jan. 29 - Feb. 4, 2009 (Vol. 29, #5)
Comments
7:03 pm
Beautiful piece. I, too, think of him late at night when nothing seems to make the mind turn off. I, too, grieved him deeply and grieve him still. To add to your list of commendables, watch 'Monster's Ball', 'Candy', and '10 Things'. He was our Montgomery Clift, I think. But would have grown to be our Brando. Thanks for writing so eloquently.
1:07 am
Beautifully and respectfully written. You can rest assured that there are many, many people, myself included, who are still saddened and affected by Heath's death. A lot of people don't know this, but his talents went way beyond acting. He was a photographer, director (music videos), entrepreneur, a consummate artist, and all-around generous human being.
3:48 am
Heath Ledger was real in an unreal world.
He reflected to me - honesty, vulnerability and courage.
His life echoed, "Here I am, me being me. It is pure joy. You can also experience this. Just choose to be you....and go for it."
Thanks for your honest article.
I have seen Dark Knight many times - at the cinema and on dvd. Then I went to the Imax. It was like watching a different movie - it was simply awesome. :)
6:36 am
This is so well written and echoes my feelings entirely (although I must add I knew from the second I saw him in '10 Things' this guy had something). Since Heath died, I can honestly say there hasn't been a day thats passed that I haven't thought about him. I can't really explain it but he touched so many hearts and was so full of talent, honesty and life that I don't think I'll ever get over it. It's a tragedy beyond tragedies especially as he had so much more to do. Thank you for writing this and showing me and others we are not alone in our continuous grieving.
7:26 am
Great article. Yeah, here it is 4am as I write this. Insomnia is a bitch. The death of Heath Ledger has had a particular impact on me for some reason. I don’t know why. I didn’t know him and he was younger than either of my kids. It may be because I feel a little guilty about it. He was only 19 in the first film I saw of his (an Australian flick), and, after watching his career grow and mature, I also saw his personal life start to disintegrate. There was nothing I could have done to prevent his death, but I think I saw it coming … and wish I would have TRIED in some way.
11:33 am
Very well written! It's nice to know that there are so many other people in the world that have this un-describable feeling of loss when you think of Heath. I cried for days and was glued to the TV and internet. Still am. I really can not explain why I feel so incredibly close to him and I never even met him. I have even thought about naming my first child Heath or Matilda (my name is already Michelle). Every time I read an article bashing Heath, Matilda, or Michelle, I get upset and want to post things bashing those people back.
This is honestly the VERY first article that I read that I felt compelled to write and thank you for writing. Also thanking the others who posted such kind words. Its really nice to know that I am not alone in this mental tornado of why's and how's. I hope that Heath's memory will live on forever and that Michelle and Matilda will live the happiest lives they can.
2:42 pm
Can I just say, thank you for this beautifully written article and thanks also for highlighting what a great performance Heath gives in Lords of Dogtown. People seem to overlook this film and it always bemuses me because he is so fantastic in it and, as always, steals the movie. It is clear watching him as Skip Engblom that he had the joker performance in him from a very early age. And of course, sadly, that there was so much more still to come.
7:39 pm
What an extraordinary article. Sometimes you think, am I overemotional for being so upset about someone I didn't know. Thanks for reassuring me that I'm not alone and it's normal to be saddened by a tragic death of someone so young and full of life. All that I ever saw when he was on tv during his interviews was an honest, dedicated, and humble person who was true to himself. He did what he thought was right and felt deeply for his family and friends. He was sentimental and open about his love for the special people in his life and mostly his daughter, Matilda. His interviews always leaned as far away from himself and closer to the people he shared his life with. We don't know the whole story, but I do know that most important thing...He loved his family, his friends, and acting. And he thought that the simple, intangible things in life were the most important. And that's all I need to know.
4:50 pm
I think the words extraordinary and beautiful are a little over the top. It is sad to see anyone die but this is just a poor reflection of how star struck people in the world are... Get over it. He is no more important than any else who has died of a mixing of bad drugs. He had one or two good films but this over glamorizes his life. I feel like I am reading a twelve year olds diary. Not to trivialize the feelings of a twelve year old...those are very real feelings. But this is just more sad star obsession...Get over it there are more important things to deal with and plenty of other people who have far more tragic stories that will never be printed because they have never been in so many shit movies. Even Dark knight was trite pop culture shit. I think it was the greatest roll he played but Joker was the only good performance in that movie and it has no correlation to his death.
But please keep on over romanticizing this crap and worshiping famous people. There is plenty of real tragedy in this world to have real feelings for. Please stop giving this guy so much intention....
4:51 pm
Insomnia is a bitch...cheers to that. I have the same problem. You middle class suburbanites keep crying over the death of a guy who had it easy and gave it all away
4:51 pm
Insomnia is a bitch...cheers to that. I have the same problem. You middle class suburbanites keep crying over the death of a guy who had it easy and gave it all away
5:27 pm
On a dark night, remembering Heath Ledger?! I just noticed that! Seriously?! is this a satire? Way to make a parody out of commemorating someone's death...
2:58 pm
I am relieved to find so many that are/were so touched by Heath Ledger's life and death. It never ceases to amaze me to find so many insomiacs in the world. I have suffered (yes SUFFERED) from insomnia for almost 30 years! Like many other insomniacs I can totally identify with the desperation for SLEEP that Heath and so many of us beg for. Like Heath I have turned in desperation to anything I can get my hands on that could aid me. I had admired Heath's work for years and oddly enough had just watched "A Knight's Tale" again when my daughter texted me of his death. I was devastated by his loss.
I also want to thank the author of this piece. I thought I was the only one in the world who cries at the drop of a hat. I have always said that I cannot let anyone cry alone, and I don't. I have been known to cry when someone wins big on a game show! It's very embarrassing at times and I get mad at myself which makes me cry all the harder! No one can ever accuse me of being cold hearted!
11:22 pm
Bravo Joe, what a perfect example of someone who is "obsessed" with thinking that they can degrade other people's genuine feelings.
Star struck??? Sorry to inform you but this woman is not star struck. Yes there are far more horrific stories...but who am I to say one is the most tragic or the least tragic. It's just tragic and leave it at that.
It bothers me when I read about something catastrophic in the paper. I might not know the victims I'm reading about personally, but they are in my thoughts. And with these heartbreaking occurrences comes the feeling of empathy. Life can hand you twist and turns, like the insomnia for example, but it just makes you appreciate what you have even more. Well, for me it does.
I believe that each person has something good to offer to the world, big or small, doesn't matter either way. The fact of the matter is sometimes people have a light around them and they have something unique that draws you towards them. Has absolutely nada to do with being famous, glamorous, or attractive. And during Heath Ledger's interviews, I saw that radiance. I saw his honesty, his sincerity, and his love of the simple things. He didn't think he was beyond other people and he was appreciative to be able to play a role and touch peoples lives. He was someone who wouldn't "give it all away".
It's wonderful to be able to see the good in people, doesn't matter who they are or where they come from. Don't be so quick to discriminate just because he was an actor.
10:34 am
Are you kidding me? Who gives a $hit? Anyone who knows anyone who does drugs knows that they routinely go overboard. Heath went too far overboard, died, and now we're supposed to mourn his death like it wasn't his fault. Sorry, but just another famous POS that gave it all away for a buzz. The only one to feel sorry for is his daughter.
12:19 am
JB-Yes I feel for his daughter and his family. So if you have something negative to say about someone you didn't know, do us all a favor please comment somewhere else. Try to find something that you actually believe in or like...might do you some good focusing on something that's positive to you.