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COVER STORYSept. 8, 2006 Promises to save the schools…aging pols cannibalizing the few higher offices in the city…generational clashes on the campaign trail: Must be primary time in the District of Columbia.By Ryan Grimadvertisement
A HILL STAFFER’S PRIMER ON THE D.C. PRIMARY ELECTION How to choose your local candidate without leaving the Rayburn Building The District is a unique confluence of two worlds. Designed for the sole purpose of governing the nation, it somehow became a city with its own identity, citizens, and, eventually, homegrown politics. The people it was built for, though, generally invest little interest in the city surrounding them, unless it’s to experiment with some policy idea an intern at the Cato Institute came up with. But the folks who move here to run the country are just as much a part of the city as anyone else. They live here, eat here, get shot here, raise families here, and do all the other things District residents do—except vote. The city needs these luminaries—with all their political knowledge and experience—to take an active role in the local scene. With that in mind, we provide here a guide to our politics, federal style.
Mayoral candidate: Linda Cropp 
Similarities: Cropp and Dole both led their legislative chambers with a monotonous aplomb that lulled lawmakers into obedience. Neither has hatched an original idea over a combined 50-plus years of public service. They both refer to themselves in the third person and both seem to have launched their biggest campaigns on the flimsiest of reasoning: I guess it’s my turn, right? Killer difference: Mobility—Dole is light on his feet.
Mayoral candidate: Adrian Fenty 
Similarities: This one might look like a layup. Young, energetic, ambitious African-American attorneys, Fenty and Booker are both media darlings, eager to bring bright new ideas to the urban landscape. During a recent fundraising trip to the District, says Fenty spokesperson Alec Evans, Booker was mistaken for Fenty and thanked for his hard work on behalf of District residents. Killer difference: Brains—Booker was a Rhodes scholar.
Council chair candidate: Kathy Patterson 
Similarities: Both represent deeply rich, liberal districts. Pelosi’s caustic style makes her a polarizing leader. Patterson’s caustic style makes her a polarizing leader. Killer difference: Botox—Pelosi is 116 years old but looks like she could be Patterson’s daughter.
Council chair candidate: Vincent Gray 
Similarities: Both are well-spoken, business-friendly Democrats with ambition to spare. Gray has the nerve to launch a bid to lead a council he’s been on for barely more than a year. Ford has the cojones to think he can become the first African-American senator elected from the South since reconstruction. Killer difference: Looks—Ford is hot.
Ward 1 candidate: Jim Graham 
Similarities: They love to hear themselves speak. Biden has been mocked for using his entire allotted time to “question” Supreme Court nominees without once offering up a question. Graham is known for his nine-hour hearings. Killer difference: Slavery—an attack against Graham portrayed him as a slave master in cartoons posted throughout the city. That might be a compliment to Biden, who recently noted with pride that Delaware was a slave state.
Ward 3 candidate: Jonathan Rees 
Similarities: Both are unavoidable. The Larouchies lurk the subway like Rees stalks cyberspace, searching for blog comment threads he can use either to pump up his campaign or attack other candidates. “I can be progressive but obnoxious in the process,” says Rees. Killer difference: Flesh—Larouche’s cult followers are all live human beings. Rees’ followers are mostly concocted in cyberspace by Rees himself.
Ward 5 candidate: Rae Zapata 
Similarities: Both are enemies of the left; both refuse to quit. Zapata launched her council bid after getting bounced from District government amid charges she was too business-friendly. Lieberman is carrying on despite losing his primary, counting on overwhelming Republican support. Killer Difference: Authenticity—Zapata has redeeming qualities.
At-large council candidate: Phil Mendelson 
Similarities: Byrd famously carries around a tattered copy of the Constitution in his breast pocket. No one on the council cares more about parliamentary procedure than Mendelson. Killer Difference: Résumé—Mendelson has never been a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
Ward 6 candidate: Tommy Wells 
Similarities: Both strong enviros from down South who have grown and shaved beards. Wells has vowed to try to live car-free as a councilmember. Killer difference: Democracy—in the District, we have direct elections. CP |
Copyright © 2006 Washington Free Weekly Inc.
