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COVER STORYSept. 8, 2006 Promises to save the schools…aging pols cannibalizing the few higher offices in the city…generational clashes on the campaign trail: Must be primary time in the District of Columbia.By John Metcalfe
(Illustration by Ben Claassen III)
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Mixed MessagesLife under the FentyCroppJohns One of the great pitfalls of American democracy is we elect one politician per race. When we go to the voting booth, we choose just one president, one congressional representative, one councilmember. The problem is particularly limiting in mayoral races such as the one now flashing across TV screens in the District. A half-dozen energetic, mature candidates each day appear at churches and rec centers to propose innovative solutions to transform D.C. into that “world-class city” that gets dreamed about every election cycle. Perhaps the reason that we never reach Paris/Tokyo/London status is that we remain understaffed at the mayoral level. Take this year, for example—why can’t we just hire all the contenders? Hell, they all got on the ballot, and they all have policy positions at the ready. Just think what would happen if we skipped right to the implementation phase! At dawn, residents join the head of the Department of Public Works for coffee and talk about the ever-expanding bulk-trash pickup regime. Officials such as the DPW director sweat for us in the field all day long, not just because they love being so responsive, but also because their former offices at the John A. Wilson Building have been turned into condos for young professionals. Government property is now used to generate revenue (Adrian Fenty). Around noon, these officials put aside their work—as does every other city employee—for a suggested half-hour of exercise (Marie Johns). Meter maids drop and do 20 on the sidewalk. Spontaneous games of touch football break out across the city. Many employees use the time to de-stress over cigarettes and catch up on unfinished cell-phone conversations. 
(Illustration by Ben Claassen III)
At 1 p.m., over at the Unified Communications Center, business resumes when the mayors gather for “Sharing Time,” a teleconference among the nation’s most innovative leaders to discuss best practices (Fenty). There’s inevitably some bitching and moaning, as the mayor who conceived of the idea is perennially late, going door-to-door in the neighborhoods on his endless campaign. Mayor Johns is also unavailable, having passed out while personally monitoring the 24-hour Mayor’s Hot Line (Johns). These meetings break up with the mayors microwaving some Hot Pockets and heading out to attend PTA meetings, ANC meetings, and maybe even your child’s birthday party—except for Artee Milligan Jr., who will spend the rest of his day cleaning garbage from your alley and solving world hunger (Milligan). 
(Illustration by Ben Claassen III)
The schools are strangely quiet in the afternoon, but it’s understandable when one remembers that teachers now outnumber students. Surplus school property shines with new paint and new life as charter schools, and students frequently chat up single moms who live in unused classrooms (Johns). These young learners are not only above-par in terms of grades, they’re also able to cobble your shoes in five minutes flat, thanks to the school system’s emphasis on vocational training. Principals patrol their hallways with tans and broad smiles that could have come only from a lengthy stay at the Principals’ Academy (Linda Cropp), location undisclosed (though rumor puts it somewhere in Bermuda). Traffic actually seems to thin around rush hour, despite the District’s population having grown by 100,000 (Fenty). That’s because all the superdense, mixed-use housing developments—like the Town Center in Ward 5—have greatly reduced the need for car travel (Vincent Orange). Despite the Malthusian swell in population, not one single poor family has been pushed out of the District. Props go to advances in inclusionary zoning (Cropp), eviction-prevention programs (Fenty), and the newly formed Wallet Police, who go around checking people’s pocketbooks to ensure the wealthy don’t infiltrate the city (Michael Brown). In an unfortunate side effect of the growth, however, cops, firefighters, and teachers get bricks thrown at them while walking home from work. After all, the mayors gave them most of the affordable housing (Fenty). As the sun begins to set, it’s evident that D.C.’s quality of life is closing in on that of a Florida retirement community. Kids play in the streets while grandparents watch approvingly from front porches, sipping iced tea. History’s clock has somehow been turned back to kinder, simpler times (Brown). 
(Illustration by Ben Claassen III)
Blending into the background are the city’s 4,600 police officers (Orange), whose desks have all been taken away to remind them of their role as beat cops who wear night-vision goggles (Fenty). On a less-positive note, residents now have to worry about breakouts from two jails—the old one in Northeast and the new one downtown (Orange). But they also have two ballparks to provide distraction (Cropp, Brown). Citizens settle into bed knowing that they’re unjustly cut out of the democratic process (Orange, Milligan, Fenty, Brown, Johns, Cropp). News reports are chock-full of mayors arguing the case for D.C. statehood in front of Congress. At midnight, the “Millennium-like Clock” on Pennsylvania Avenue chimes and presents an updated tally of all the new tax dollars D.C. residents pay without representation (Johns). But no one will lose sleep over new taxes. Because there won’t be any (Fenty) CP |
Copyright © 2006 Washington Free Weekly Inc.
