More false advertising from Taylor Gourmet? It turns out, the real mayor didn't show up for the fancy sandwich shop's grand opening festivities on 14th Street NW on Tuesday. When the operators said "mayoral ribbon cutting," they were apparently talking about these guys. [Twitter]

Forget paying 29 cents for water. The stuff from D.C. taps  is now free at Elisir; bottled water, meanwhile, will set you back $3.49. [Washingtonian via Eater DC]

Zuppa Fresca has opened in NoMa [Prince of Petworth]

Oh, truck it: those zany Fojol Bros. are at it again, this time with Thai food. [Washingtonian]

The whipped cream variety is nothing: flavored vodkas may only get stupider in 2012. [Post]

Tips from a hipster dieter: eat Ethiopian, drink Miller Lite and avoid Five Guys fries at all costs. [Express Night Out]

My boyfriend, a regular meat eater, ordered easily from the server in the 100 section of center field. Our limited menu there consisted of burgers (beef and turkey), tenders, and dogs. I hoped the chicken Caesar wrap could be fixed minus chicken, but they were pre-made so the answer from our server was a quick no.

What could a vegetarian eat? I rescanned the menu and choose a soft pretzel and split fries with my companion. I thought, hey, if everyone else gets a pass on eating healthy on game nights, why should I not indulge too?

I have since scanned the rest of the stadium concessions guide and put together a list, a sort of guide to the guide, if you will, on how to eat meat-free while watching Jayson Werth take the Nats to last place in the division. Herewith, my vegetarian batting rotation:

1. Cheese Pizza

You know what combats sizzling humidity mid-summer: sizzling cheese.
From: Flippin' Pizza
Where: Section 214

2. Hummus and Chips

Keep your protein up – you'll probably have to stand up to cheer for this year's breakout, Wilson Ramos.
From: In-seat Menu
Where: Throughout stadium

3. Soft Pretzel

What better way to up your mustard intake than a salty pretzel. Be warned, don't let the Gulden's mustard packets fool you: there's yellow mustard inside, not its famous spicy.
Where: Throughout stadium

4. Black Bean Burger

Use the no booze rule after the 7th inning stretch to refuel before post-game drinks at Das Bullpen's "beer garden."
From: Red Porch Restaurant
Where: Section 244

5. Sno Cones

Is your beer not keeping you cool enough? Try ice.
From: Hawaiian Shaved Ice
Where: Section 143

6. Veggie Wrap

I get it. It's beach weather. Way to stick to your diet.
From: Field of Greens
Where: Sections 110

7. Falafel

Certified kosher by the Rabbinical Council of Greater Washington, eating falafel is basically like praying for a win.
From: Kosher Grill
Where: Section 143

8. Gelato

Ice cream, it's what's for dinner.
From: Dolce Gelati
Where: Sections 112, 135

9. French Fries

Oh, fuck it. You know you could eat fries for a meal, like, every day, might as well use the game as an excuse.
Where: Throughout stadium

Photo by lrargerich/Creative Commons Attribution License

Me: I'd like to order the worst beer on your menu: a Miller Lite.

Bartender gives a contemptuous look and begins filling a glass from the tap. It's pure foam.

Me: You don't sell many of those do you?

Bartender: It's the first one I've poured all night.

Bartender puts aside the foamy glass and fills a new one. He finishes and pauses before handing me my beer.

Bartender: Don't worry. . . it's triple hopped. (Delivered with contempt.)

We all know that beers like Miller Lite are lacking in a lot of ways, but is it right for a bartender to ridicule a customer for ordering one of them? There's a time for any beer and, for me, last night was Miller time.

Follow The Lagerheads on Twitter | on Facebook

PBR, before its ironic hipness:

Schlitz, with McLean Stevenson proving, once again, that he'll do anything for a buck:

Schaefer, for when you really want to get drunk:

Schlitz, your preferred disco-era suds:

Miller Lite, more disco era, complete with blatant racism:

Miller High Life, what every '50s-era hostess craves: