[WARNING: Do not attempt this at home. Unless maybe you have a qualifying medical condition. If you do, please consult your doctor and/or lawyer as results may vary.]

Tonight, at Artisphere in Arlington, celebrated D.C. chef Carole Greenwood hosts a special $150-per-person "pop-up culinary adventure," inspired by one of the best-selling cookbooks of all time, The Alice B. Toklas Cookbook. [UPDATE: Greenwood canceled the event this afternoon.]

It's the second area food event to pay tribute to the famed Parisian literary scenester's gustatory tome in recent months (Proof in Chinatown hosted a similar Toklas-themed $59 four-course dinner last fall)—as well as the second straight event to neglect to include the famous cookbook's most infamous recipe: hashish fudge. (Straight Dope's Cecil Adams tackles the history of Toklas' "most gone concoction" here.) "We're not making hashish spread, I can tell you that," Greenwood flatly told Metro Weekly. For his own excuse, Proof proprietor Mark Kuller, simply explained to Eater DC, "Alice B Toklas' pot brownie recipe was left off the tasting menu because mine are much better!"

Kuller has yet to share his own signature recipe with Y&H. So I must defer to the original. Inspired by the other gourmands' reluctance, Y&H enlisted the help of a baker friend in recreating this otherwise-snubbed classic dish. Her gut feeling after reading the recipe: "It's going to taste like ass and a half." Surprisingly, though, it doesn't. Although you may feel like sitting on yours for a while after eating.

1. "Take 1 teaspoon black peppercorns, 1 whole nutmeg, 4 average sticks of cinnamon, 1 teaspoon coriander. These should all be pulverized in a mortar. About a handful each of stone dates, dried figs, shelled almonds and peanuts: chop these and mix them together...."

While I appreciate the early 20th-century cook's fashionably modern approach to using only the freshest ingredients, D.C. in 2012 ain't exactly Paris in 1954. Obviously, you can save yourself a ton of time by buying a bunch of this stuff already ground and chopped at your local Safeway. In our experiment, only the sticky figs required a knife. (And we used fresh ground peppercorns.) Simple enough.

2. "A bunch of [sic]canibus sativa can be pulverized....[o]btaining the [sic]canibus may present certain difficulties...."

Ah, yes, the tricky part: the main ingredient isn't available at Safeway (at least not the one we tried). Thankfully, Y&H knows a gal. Who knows a guy. Or something like that. The original recipe calls for cannibus sativa. But our local purveyor only offers cannibus indica. (Locally sourced, of course, in nearby Maryland, we're told.) In this town, we'll take what we can get. The super-skunky, super-sticky stuff turns out to be tougher to chop than even the figs. The recommended pulverizing takes seemingly forever. Eventually, we wind up with a sizable green pile.

3. "This along with the spices should be dusted over the mixed fruit and nuts, kneaded together. About a cup of sugar dissolved in a big pat of butter. Rolled into a cake and cut into pieces or made into balls about the size of a walnut...."

Here's where this already vague recipe gets puzzling. How big a pat of butter are we talking? (My baking companion and I probably went a tad overboard: we melted a full stick.) The recipe also says nothing about actually baking the mixture. I suppose the active ingredient might, you know, activate, if the melted butter is hot enough when finally added to the mixing bowl. But just to be sure, we spread our mixture in a baking pan and stuck it in the oven on low heat for about 20 minutes. Then let it cool. Initial impressions are mixed: "Looks like bear shit," my fellow baker notes. "It smells like Christmas," another friend says. Minty is the first strong flavor. Also:  sweet, fruity and spicy. "Like mulled wine," a friend says. Sticky, too, and rather chewy. But, overall, not bad. At least it doesn't taste like ass. Or a half.

4. [I]t should be eaten with care. Two pieces are quite sufficient.

I can't emphasize this part enough. Also: if this should happen to serve as your late night snack, expect some really bizarre dreams.

Get the full details, if you're interested, below:

Beer Director Greg Engert Introduces The Beer Academy at Rustico

Get Schooled on the Basics of Beer at Brew U.

Arlington, VA − On Saturday, January 21, Rustico, located at 4075 Wilson Blvd. in Arlington, will officially become home to The Beer Academy a.ka. Brew U.  Guided by Neighborhood Restaurant Group’s Beer Director Greg Engert, The Beer Academy will offer a comprehensive curriculum for beer enthusiasts with two-hour tutorials, once a month for the entire year. Each class will be held from 1 PM to 3 PM on Saturdays at Rustico in Arlington, and is priced at $24 per person. With a Food & Wine “Sommelier of the Year” as their guide, students will receive a first-class education, as well as tastes of at least six beers, hand selected by Greg to exemplify the featured theme of each class.

Those who attend the inaugural class on Saturday, January 21 will get schooled on Tasting Craft Beer: Examining the Flavor Spectrum across the History of Beer. During this course, students will be led on a journey through Greg’s flavor profiles (Crisp, Hop, Malt, Roast, Smoke, Fruit & Spice, Tart & Funky), while sipping and studying six different beers. Future classes will focus on topics such as casks ales, sour ales, farmhouse ales of the world, and brewing locally vs. locally sourced brewing. To heighten the experience, Rustico will offer their full brunch menu a la carte with standouts such as buttermilk biscuit sliders, sweet potato skins and crispy deviled eggs to the attendees.

The Beer Academy will commence on January 21 and run every four weeks, with subsequent classes scheduled for February 18, March 17, April 14, May 12 and June 9. Dedicated students, who wish to enroll in the full year will receive a discount of $6 off each class (additional discounts for packages of three, six and nine classes are also offered). To reserve a spot for The Beer Academy please call Rustico at (571) 384-1820.

As the beer director for Neighborhood Restaurant Group, Greg Engert draws on his extensive beer knowledge to create the beer programming for the company’s ten concepts.  To source unparalleled selections, Engert works with breweries around the globe both renowned and remote to find the best beers available. Engert specializes in domestic microbrews as well as international craft rarities that are not readily available in the United States. Recognized for his work, Engert has been featured in The New York Times, USA Today, Food & Wine, Food Arts, The Washington Post, Washingtonian, Beer Advocate, All About Beer, Imbibe, Draft and Mid-Atlantic Brewing News and appeared on national television programs such as Cooking Channel’s Foodography and Unique Eats.

About Rustico

Rustico is a neighborhood restaurant that pairs honest, robust cooking with an amazing beverage program. With a cache of over 400 beers, a bustling bar scene and a passionate kitchen committed to its craft, Rustico is a restaurant to visit with family and friends time and time again. Rustico in Ballston is located at 4075 Wilson Blvd. in Arlington, VA. For reservations or more information please visit www.rusticorestaurant.com or call 571-384-1820.

District Taco

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

"Please bear with us as we close briefly to reformat," a sign posted on the door explained. But not everyone was convinced. "This kind of note," observed WaPo food scribe and Y&H alum Tim Carman, "is often just a knuckle sandwich delivered in a velvet glove — a way to soften the blow of closing a struggling restaurant." Carman reached out to proprietor Michael Landrum for clarification. Landrum declined comment.

Landrum now tells Y&H the sign is no ruse: "Despite the deliberately misleading insinuations of the Washington Post, my plan to reformat the menu at East River while doing periodic, necessary repairs is on track for reopening in early to mid January—exactly like the sign says."

During renovations, Landrum says some 20 staffers of the shuttered restaurant have been working at his other eateries in Arlington, which the owner describes as a "real world practicum" allowing his employees to "expand their horizons and confidence in service" in a more established community. "They are growing and thriving and improving their confidence in that environment," he says.

As for what to expect from the new and improved Dix Street NE location, Landrum, true to character, is short on details. "Ray's to the Third," he says, referring to his recently opened steak frites joint in Arlington, "is the result and culmination of lessons learned over a decade, and the reinvigorated Ray's at East River will be the culmination of what we've learned in opening Ray's to the Third."

So, does that mean that Ray's to the Third is a sort of preview of what to expect from the reformatted Ray's at East River?

"Somewhat," Landrum says, "and that's one of the reasons for the timing because I wanted the Dix Street crew to be a part of the opening of Ray's to the Third so that they could experience first-hand not just what it takes to run a great restaurant but what it takes to build a great restaurant. And that's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have that timing come together."

But the term "preview," Landrum adds, isn't quite the right word: "Not necessarily a preview. But what we've learned together as a team in opening Ray's to the Third will be applied to how we can best serve the east-of-the-river community. "

Logo courtesy of Ray's the Steaks East River

A semi-regular roundup of tantalizing developments outside the District

Frederick, Md.—Volt's Bryan Voltaggio not only has his sprawling $2 million North Market Kitchen concept in the works. The former Top Chef contestant tells WaPo critic Tom Sietsema that he's also opening a 30-seat soup-and-sandwich joint called Lunchbox, as well as a yet-unnamed diner coming this spring.

Arlington, Va.—Memphis Barbeque in Crystal City could open as soon as Nov. 25. WaPo's special smoked meat correspondent Jim Shahin investigates the cagey ways of proprietor Chris George, who confirms only that the place "will serve wet and dry ribs, which, this being a Memphis-style barbecue restaurant, is a little like the owner of a burger joint saying he will sell burgers."

Alexandria, Va.—Cathal and Mechelle Armstrong's long-awaited "epicurean emporium," Society Fair, is expected to open by Christmas. The couple takes HuffPo DC on a tour of the yet unfinished food market, which will include a bakery, butchery, wine shop, bar, and demo kitchen.

Merrifield, Va.—Cava Grill has leased a 2,100-square-foot space for its next location in the Mosaic District now under development. Washington Business Journal has the scoop.

As the chef explains in this week's column:

“You drink a Turbodog, what flavors do you get? You get that malty, sort of rich, rounded Guinness Stout-y kind of flavor, and so you bring that into a really spicy, bold, black-peppery, heavy garlic dish and it just sort of balances everything and mellows it out. Turbodog, believe it or not, has got a sweetness to it. Just like Guinness has got a sweetness to it. When you taste the head on a Guinness, it tastes sweet. I mean, it’s got that black strap, molasses-y sort of snap at the end, that bitter roundness. But, still, there’s a complexity to it. I just think it makes [the dish] bolder and sort of reinforces the flavors you’ve already put into it.”

Photo by Chris Shott

The bacon bacchanalia recalls the old comedy skit on MTV's The State where actor Ben Garant extolls the many virtues of bacon—ultimately slipping into a little bacon dress and breaking out in bacon-themed song. Bring on the bacon:

Video courtesy of MTV

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

Eating my way through your advice, an ambitious list of vegetarian sandwiches from 24 different restaurants.  More Comments Come True.

A streak of customers curved around the perimeter of this tiny sandwich spot on Wilson Boulevard during the lunch hour one Thursday a few weeks ago. The last in line butted up against the door. A good sign.

Sure enough, the Mona Lisa vegetarian sandwich at Earl's Sandwiches would live up to the level of anticipation embodied in that considerable queue.

The ciabatta takes on a hoagie-like quality, but remains lovely in its cushy tenderness. The sandwich layers a grilled-to-silky soft eggplant, with just enough mushrooms (but not too many) and thick strips of roasted red pepper. In a bold mood, Earl's piled lettuce in the sandwich. Not greens that naturally wilt into something appetizing, such as spinach or kale, but ordinary mesclun. Somehow, the purplish greens stood up to the heat, only slightly wilting but not turning soggy.

In a most heretical statement, I find that this sandwich didn't even need the melted layer of provolone. The soft eggplant lent enough creaminess to be left alone on that front. Earl's offers a choice of balsamic vinegar and olive oil or pesto mayonnaise. Go with the pesto for an added snare of garlic.

One last tip: pickles come for free, when you ask for them. My advice: Ask.

In order of appearance in the comments:

1. Cork Market
2. Cowgirl Creamery
3. Busboys and Poets (sandwich 1) (sandwich 2)
4. Taylor Gourmet (sandwich 1) (sandwich 2)
5. Booeymonger
6. Pret a Manger
7. California Tortilla
8. Jaleo (sandwich 1) (sandwich 2)
9. Highland Cafe
10. Jimmy John's
11. Greek Spot
12. Sticky Fingers
13. Earl's
14. Yum's
15. Super Taco
16. Luna Grill
17. Five Guys
18. Sidamo
19. Everlasting Life
20. Au Bon Pain
21. Devon & Blakely
22. Corner Bakery
23. Potbelly
24. Black Squirrel

Photo by Stefanie Gans