A spindly, beautiful woman is extended on a chaise lounge in an immaculate ruffled dress. She is paging idly through an antique book when a floating trail of sparkly light interrupts her reading. She follows the glow up the staircase of the manse and into a room marked by fresh roses and enchanting music, where she twirls luxuriously and pets her own hair. A shining perfume bottle appears, suspended in the air. It turns magnificently to reveal its label: "CERVICAL CANCER."

"Maybe it's unfair to get your attention this way," a narrator admits. "But nothing is fair about cervical cancer." When it comes to marketing products related to women's health, anything is fair game—as long as your sexist tropes are dispatched in the name of "awareness."

The frilly cancer awareness ad is produced by GlaxoSmithKline, the pharmaceutical company behind HPV vaccine Cervarix, an alternative to Gardasil that was approved by the FDA last October and is already in heavy use in the UK. The premise of the new ad is that it's unfair to lure women into cervical cancer awareness with shiny things—but cervical cancer awareness is so important that it just doesn't matter how offensively sexist that premise is.

The pinkification of women's health is nothing new, of course. Breast cancer awareness promoters have long engaged in the deep feminization of women's health. Breast cancer is now inextricably linked to such enduring symbols of femininity as pink ribbons, flowers, butterflies, angels, teddy bears, cartoon penguins, and yogurt. Adult women who develop abnormal cell growth in the tissues of the breasts aren't any regular cancer patients—they're cancer patients who must be treated with infant-fairy-princesses gloves.

The infantilization of women's health is a product of a marketing environment where women's breasts are constantly reinforced as overtly sexual, while other aspects of women's bodies—like menstruation—are dismissed as vulgar. The pervasive pink is an attempt to neutralize the idea that women's bodies are necessarily either sexy or gross by unleashing a boatload of nonthreatening, nonsexual, girly symbolism. The ultimate goal is to normalize the conversation about all the bad shit that can happen to women's bodies . . . by reinforcing the most convenient sexist stereotype for this particular cause. But because that conversation is so important to have, pharmaceutical companies like GlaxoSmithKline are given free reign to take the "ooh, shiny!" route, insult the women their product hopes to protect, and chalk it all up to "awareness."

Other women's health advocates have taken the opposite tactic. Some are hoping to raise awareness of breast cancer in the same way we raise awareness of beer and cars—by emphasizing just how sexy titties really are. This week, Heartless Doll pointed to a recent breast cancer fundraiser in New York City, "Generosi-titties," which features female comedians telling jokes without their shirts on, all in the name of "awareness."

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"Whatever gets people through the door," Heartless Doll's Andrea Grimes writes. "But wouldn't it be more interesting if what got people through the door was hilarious women telling great jokes for a great cause, not hilarious women taking their tops off as a publicity stunt? You can't even argue that the end result is the same–that it's all just raising money and awareness, so no panty-wadding allowed. Because the end result of the topless show is that women can, will and should take their tops off if they really want someone (men) to listen to them. And that's detrimental to all women, everywhere."

I'd add that this tactic—which equates a woman's worth with her breasts—is particularly offensive to women who actually suffer from breast cancer, many of whom find it medically necessary to remove their breasts in order to survive.

I understand the importance of encouraging awareness of women's health issues among men and women. Men can be instrumental in raising awareness among their friends, donating money to the cause, and helping to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted viruses, like HPV, which can cause cancer in women. The importance of breast and cervical cancer awareness among women goes without saying. But I agree with Grimes that cancer awareness that emphasizes women as either silly girls or sex objects doesn't encourage the general population to start caring about women as people. As YouTube user bobyzuckerman of the "Generosi-titties" awareness campaign: "great concept I love boobies."

Well folks, it's that time of the year again when I retire to my secret, undisclosed holiday-time punpkin'-pie sunshine bunker* for the remainder of the year. Things should get back on a regular schedule on December 29th, followed closely by another brief hiatus to allow for my first hangover of 2009. Until then, let's reflect.

I started this blog this fall, after jumping ship from the City Paper's arts beat to cover a subject a little closer to my area of interest—women (am one). Since then, I've written on contraception access, coy Internet sex fiends, and that sexy dunce ice queen who would become the Vice President of our hearts. Let's see what subjects ya'll found most interesting this year: in a list!

1. SEX/OBAMA: Electoral Dysfunction: In Search of Election Night Sex
2. SARAH PALIN: The Sexist's Vice-Presidential Debate Drinking Game
3. SEX/FIRE: The Good Guys Trial
4. OBAMA: Is This Man Your Ticket to the Inauguration?
5. SEX: Nude Coworkers: Disturbing?
6. SEX/SARAH PALIN: Star in the Sarah Palin Adult Film
7. SARAH PALIN: Now: Live-Blogging the Vice-Presidential Debate
8. GAY ENDURANCE CONTESTS: High Heel Race Seeks Volunteers
9. BOOBS: Breast Cancer Awareness Cake: Fail
10. WOMEN'S HEALTH: Yes, We Have No Birth Control

Thanks very much for reading. And let me know what sexy fire boob contests you'd like to see covered in 2009!

* Phoenix.

Photo via trialsanderrors.