Last spring, I discovered the CockBib, an oral sex accessory for men who want a dryer blowjob. “The whole idea for cockbibs came to me right after I was pleased orally and realized,’Damn, I can’t just fall asleep, I need to get up and wash my balls,’” the device’s inventor explained on his Web site, CockBibCrazy.com. “I had just been a victim of another sloppy blowjob.”

As it turns out, CockBibCrazy’s proprietor was not the first martyr to the sloppy blowjob. Though CockBibCrazy.com was registered on March 13, 2009, a different CockBib outfit, CockBib.com, was registered all the way back on Dec. 22, 2008. At CockBib.com, a duo called Jon and Shan market what they call “the original cockbib.” When I wrote to CockBibCrazy for his thoughts on the “original” CockBib, he seemed unfazed by the competition. “I am sure you can see a big difference in the quality of our product and the time put into our site?” he wrote to me.

For once, CockBib guy was right. CockBib.com’s CockBib designs are even weirder than dick accessories “Caution: May Cause Trauma” and “Pussy Killer.” Let’s check ‘em out!

Read More “The Original CockBib: For Drunk Brides, Small Children, and Subaru Owners” »

Last week, The Frisky writer Jessica Wakeman stood up in defense of the facial. Wakeman argued that the old porn standby—whereby a man ejaculates onto a woman’s face—isn’t inherently demeaning, as long the woman wants it. “In some porn films, the facial is played up to emphasize his humiliation of and domination of her, but in other porn flicks, the money shot is just something the actors do,” she wrote. “In real life, I suspect facials happen more for pleasure than for humiliation, seeing as women have a little thing called self-respect.”

But Wakeman errs in her either/or assumption about the sex act: that facials are either grounded in mutual respect, and elicit pleasure, or are grounded in degradation, and elicit humiliation. In fact, facials can imply all of these things, though we rarely analyze it all in the moment. Plenty of sex acts made popular in mainstream pornography, like facials, are based on achieving male pleasure. Under this model, the female’s pleasure is derived by successfully pleasing the male—and in the process, allowing herself to be degraded. As Amanda Marcotte writes, “our culture constructs sex as something women do for men, and men do for fun.” That model of sexuality is undoubtedly objectifying for women. But it nevertheless—voilà!—conjures up an idea of “pleasure” for both sex partners.

Read More “Semen Facials Are Like Weddings” »

Tomorrow, the fate of our alt-weekly’s ownership may finally be decided, again.  While Creative Loafing brass are hugging it out in Atlanta bankruptcy court, CP staff will be busy proving that we still deserve our paychecks. We’re spending the whole day writing about fucking.

On the Sexist tomorrow: explore D.C.’s massage parlors, porn shops, courthouse weddings, clinics, and pick-up bars with the city’s finest romantics, stalkers, bartenders, activists, and queens.

All sex. All day. Eat it, Tampa.

Photo by Darrow Montgomery.

So, the cutest viral wedding video of the moment—dare you not to cry!—is this wedding entrance dance staged to Chris Brown’s “Forever.” Goddamnit!

Read More “Chris Brown Wedding Video: Unbearable Cuteness With a Side of Domestic Abuse” »

What does a punk-rock bride wear to her big day? If designer Stephanie Ward’s “Punk Rock Bride” collection is any indication, she wears the same flowey white thing the other brides wear—but with an attitude. Ward writes that she designs for the “bride who is looking for an original, non-traditional wedding dress.” To me, these pretty, ruffled, white designs are perfect fit for the bride who wants a different kind of wedding dress—without sacrificing the traditional virginal imagery (or the cost).

Check out Ward’s Joey Ramone-inspired off-white silk charmeuse creations, after the jump.

Read More “Punk Rock Brides: Like Regular Brides, With Attitude” »

The Washington Post’s breakout Weddings section, “OnLove,” has debuted, providing Washingtonians with another outlet for more-of-the-same coverage of the institution. You’ve got your pair of interlocked golden rings illustrating the header; your bouquet-clutching, white-veiled bride gracing the front page; and your tales of everlasting love sparked in Dewey Beach spicing up the copy.

But WaPo’s weddings page is stepping out of the traditional mold in one way: It’s soliciting stories and photos of same-sex weddings and commitment ceremonies, as well.

Read More “Washington Post Recruits Gay Marriage Photos” »

In March, the Washington Post announced that it would be expanding its wedding coverage in the paper. “Style is seeking a reporter to help launch a new feature covering local weddings,” read the memo. The new section, the memo explained, would be balancing a major gender inequality in WaPo’s pages—it would serve as “the Sports page for women.” Because where men compete to get a ball in a hoop, women compete for the most taffeta, diamonds, and love. They’re basically all the same thing, to women!

Now that WaPo is preparing to roll out this “Sports page for women,” perhaps it’s time we consider to what other seemingly gender-neutral activities have been crying out for a clearly feminine alternative all along.

A colleague of mine suggested a game: I name an area of interest relegated to the ladies, and you tell me what normal (or “male”) activity it corresponds to. When I say “hair salon“; you say, “gym, for women!” Ready?

1. High School Reunions: _______, for women!

2. Victoria’s Secret: _______, for women!

3. Cosmopolitan: _______, for women!

4. Anorexia: _______, for women!

5. Childbearing, cooking, and vacuuming: _______, for women!

Answers are after the jump.

Read More “Washington Post Launches Its “Sports Page for Women”” »

Earlier this month, I called out local bride-to-be website DC Nearlyweds (which appears to be, in general, a lovely resource for aspiring brides) for employing the acronym “BM” to refer to their dear bridesmaids. Last week, one nearlywed struck again with this post detailing the arrival of her “BM” dresses:

Read More “DC Nearlyweds Drop Another “BM”” »

Interested in converting your commitment ceremony to the person you love into a farcical display of your own vanity and/or a parable for the nation’s economic woes? You’re in luck! Filene’s Basement has released the dates for this year’s “Running of the Brides” bridal sales, the annual event wherein women compete in a contest of speed, agility, and taste to secure relatively inexpensive ornate white gowns. No Bridezilla stampedes will be held in Washington, ladies, so the District’s enterprising brides-to-be will have to skirt over to one of the event’s five other locations:

Aventura, Fla, Jan. 16; Columbus, Ohio, Jan. 30; Boston, Mass., Feb. 20; Manhattan, Feb. 27; Atlanta, Ga., March 20.

Photo by mistercullen.