Last night on the premiere of MTV's The Real World D.C., eccentric housemate Andrew Woods admitted that he had been fired from his college newspaper for drawing cartoons that were "purposely trying to offend women and lesbians." Lying is kind of Andrew's "thing," so it's unclear whether Woods' editors actually gave him the boot. But Woods' cartoons about alcohol-assisted sexual assault, pedophilia, and nonconsenual anal sex? Those are real real.

Woods was plucked for reality television stardom as an undergraduate at Colorado State University-Denver. There, he served as cartoonist for student newspaper The Rocky Mountain Collegian from as early as December of 2008 to at least March of 2009 (according to the paper's online archives).  Over the course of his career there, Woods drew a comic strip called "Repeat/Delete," which often featured a cartoon version of himself getting involved in various sexual misadventures—like, you know, sexually assaulting women. Let's take a look at Woods' oeuvre:

Hmm. Yes. In this strip, we see Woods' cartoon persona admitting to sexually assaulting an intoxicated woman. It's funny, because Woods is implicating himself as a lecherous buffoon, but it's not funny, because this actually happens to women.

Ah. I see. In this work, Woods' persona takes the form of a pedophile. It's funny because it's . . . hopefully untrue.

His masterpiece. Who could forget the edgy brilliance of "wrong hole"?

Here, Woods assumes his Christopher Walkenesque "skeezy dude" accessories in order to advise students how to seduce women. In this edition of "Andrew's Can Do's," Woods suggest that students "funnel some cheap vodka into half a bottle of sparkling cider . . . as long as it looks like Champagne, she'll drink it!" Woods assumed this character's signature robe and wineglass in his Real World audition tape (hoto above).

In this strip, Andrew thinks that a girl with a pudgy tummy is hot, prompting his friend to declare him "sick." It's funny because girls with fat tummies are gross. This, coming from someone who was instantly declared a virgin when he entered the Real World house last summer.

But what did his contemporaries think?

In his time at the paper, Woods was criticized for his sophomoric humor, grammatical errors, and depictions of sexual assault. One female student wrote that Woods' column "has depicted women as helpless, stupid and incapable of successful relationships"; another student responded that the women criticizing Woods should stop talking.

Thanks to his stint on the Real World, Woods is prepared to silence all the haters. In the premier episode, Woods tells new housemate (and insta-crush) Emily that he's a cartoonist, and that he's intent on getting some of his work published in the District—"maybe in the Washington Post."  Close. Woods ended up interning for the Washington Times, where Woods' signature illustrated rape jokes apparently didn't make the cut. For Woods' work with the paper, he stuck to less controversial territory: an editorial cartoon [PDF] featuring Americans being boiled alive in a bubbling cauldron of national debt.

The District's official report this week was astounding: The number of people with HIV infections rose 22 percent from 2006 to 2007. More ominously, the report said 6.5 percent of the city's black men are infected—that is more than 1 in 20. The disease is decimating not only the District's gay community, but its African-American neighborhoods. Yet, the city has a major condom distribution program: More than 1.5 million condoms were distributed in 2008. In other words, it is raining condoms and still the District's AIDS rate is soaring. The answer is not free birth control or more sex education, but a return to the old Judeo-Christian moral order—marriage, abstinence and personal responsibility.

If Kuhner thinks that marriage is a leading protector against HIV, and that "the District's gay community" is the one most affected by the crisis, what better solution to stop HIV than to OK gay marriage? Ever since the new District's AIDS numbers came out, conservatives have been quick to point out that throwing condoms at HIV is about as effective as throwing the Pope at Africa. It's time for conservatives to bolster their anti-condom stances with real solutions: Allowing men to have monogamous gay sex under legal marriage protection.

* Want everyone to have to experience your fetus' kicking? Now you can, with kickbee!

* WhozHe at SGL Universe wonders about an increase in deadly violence against gays in Dupont Circle, citing Tuesday's shooting of 35-year-old Durval V. Martins and the September attack of Tony Randolph Hunter. Martins was killed at 11th and Q Sts. NW, Hunter attacked at 9th & N Sts. NW. Troubling, of course, but closer to Shaw than the gay community epicenter in either case.

* And now in Danny Glover social justice news! The civil rights expert and sometime curmudgeonly veteran cop who forms an unlikely partnership with a hotshot suicidal homicide sergeant portrayed on screen by Mel Gibson, is pro-choice and pro-gay marriage.

* The Dayton Business Journal spots a trend! Man Madness be damned, female partners are becoming more common in law firms, the DBJ claims. How do they know? Well:

Female lawyers make up 45 percent of associates at U.S. law firms, but only about 19 percent of partners, according to October numbers from the National Association for Law Placement. Those percentages are up just slightly from the same data collected in 2003, when women made up 43 percent of associates and 17 percent of partners.

If that's not compelling enough, listen to these quotes from dudes about why the process totally isn't sexist:

“It wouldn’t surprise me if some people assume that because there are more male partners in a firm that there’s some sort of subtle gender discrimination,” said James Gottman, managing partner at the Dayton office of Dinsmore and Shohl. “But I would find it hard to believe that it happens at any firm.”

“That sort of thing takes a while to change,” Gottman said.

“It was motivating to know how flexible and accommodating they were,” [lady lawyer Suzanne] Sumner said. “You have to have a good firm, and good men, to recognize the good women.”

* Meanwhile, the Washington Times spots a crisis! Well, well, cue the kitty cat noises and fill the kiddie pool with puddin'! According to WaTi, "High-end stores are stocking fewer gowns than usual this year, says fashion industry guru Cynthia O'Connor, increasing a woman's likelihood of appearing at an inaugural ball in the same outfit as somebody else."

Photo via trialsanderrors.

In the Blade, Lou Chibbaro Jr. runs down some of the challenges facing a ballot referendum banning gay marriage in the District. They are many: For one, 21,000 signatures is a lot.

Meanwhile, in WaTimes, Gary Emerling examines how gay-marriage advocates are “re-evaluating their strategy.” Pretty much everybody says it’s all about timing. Emerling manages to get one minister on the record, the Rev. Derrick Harkins of Nineteenth Street Baptist, who says he doesn’t think a bill “would be met with great enthusiasm on the part of the African-American church.”

The Manliest Workplace in D.C. tournament, in which we rate local businesses based on the man factor of their org charts, kicks off today. Check out our online bracket for all 64 workplaces that will be competing in the coming weeks. We're starting with the media bracket this week, culling top jobs from editorial, advertising, and production floors. And now, for our first media match-up: Who's manlier, the Washington Times or the Washingtonian?

And they're off!

THE WASHINGTON TIMES: Founded by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon in 1982, the paper is a rare conservative beacon in a town of dirty liberals. But are they manly conservatives, or mere equal-opportunity ones? Let's go to the org chart!

Chairman of the Board Douglas D.M. Joo (Male, 10 points)
President and Publisher Thomas P. McDevitt (Male, 9 points)
Executive Editor John Solomon (Male, 8 points)
Chief Financial Officer Keith Cooperridedr (Male, 7 points)
Associate Publisher Richard H. Amberg Jr. (Male, 6 points)
V.P., Sales & Marketing Randall S. Brant (Male, 5 points)
V.P., Strategic Development Frank Grow (Male, 4 points)
V.P., Human Resources Sonya R. Jenkins (Female, ZERO)
Managing Editor-Print David Jones (Male, 2 points)
Managing Editor-Digital Jefrrey H. Birnbaum (Male, 1 points)

Well, well, well. Look at who has all the boldy names on the masthead! (Excepting you, Sonya R. Jenkins, brave Vice President of Human Resources). The Washington Times comes out fighting on opening day with an impressive score of 52 out of 55 on the manly index (very manly). In 2002, Rev. Moon announced (in Korean) that WaTi is “responsible to let the American people know about God.” Shout it from the hilltops, staffers: The God of Washington Times is a 94.5 percent manly God.

—

WASHINGTONIAN MAGAZINE: D.C.'s lifestyle monthly is always there to help you in all aspects of Washington livin', from judging your "sidewalk style" to testing your bridal etiquette. But are these stylish 'zillas the bride or the groom type? Let's take a look, shall we?

Chairman Eleanor Merrill (Female, ZERO)
President & Publisher Catherine M. Williams (Female, ZERO)
Editor John A. Limpert (Male, 8 points)
Design Director Eileen OTousa Crowson (Female, ZERO)
Advertising Director Edward P. Mansfield Jr. (Male, 6 points)
Production Director Margaret Dooley (Female, ZERO)
Online Ed. Director Catherine Andrews (Female, ZERO)
Senior Editor Sherri Dalphonse (Female, ZERO)
Senior Editor Ken DeCell (Male, 2 points)
Senior Managing Editor William O'Sullivan (Male, 1 point)

That stings! Sure, few pubs would stand a chance against the manpower of the Washington Times—that's why the paper was predicted a one seed, and the Washingtonian a lowly eight. Still, with only 17 points out of 55, Washingtonian Magazine is only 30% manly (hardly manly at all). Looks like the Washingtonian is out of the race early this year, but they have managed to record six parting blows in our ...

GLASS CEILING CRACK COUNT! Where we record how many high-powered Washington women are chipping away at that pesky invisible promotion-killer.

Six women in the upper echelons of Washington Magazine and one at the Washington Times brings our glass ceiling crack count up to—-SEVEN!

Tune in tomorrow, when four-seed Congressional Quarterly takes on the five-seed Washington Post!

UPDATE: A reader informed me that I initially looked over Washington Times Executive Editor John Solomon–a very important man—on the paper's org chart. Well, he's back in the game, and WaTi is manlier than ever!

8:58 PM ... The Washington Time has a slight edge by having a reporter live-blog from the actual debate, while Wonkette, in a stunning maverick move, looks to have decided on a squirrel theme. Good move.

9:02 PM ... Silence on stage, but chatter in the blogosphere! An aimeefausser, practicing something called "twittering" (as far as I can tell, some sort of rustic artisan craft), chimes in with this analysis: "hahah john mccain looks like he wants to kick obama in the balls." Thank you Internets.

9:05 PM ... Ken Layne takes over at Wonkette: starts off with, " It was super nice of McCain to loan Chris Matthews one of his old gay sweaters." Zzzzzing!

9:06 PM ... Curl, meanwhile, has the inside-the-debate scoop on Schieffer: "He just coughed, drank water, coughed again." Bob Schieffer: A human!

9:09 PM ... McCain and Obama get deep into tax policy. nightstand, meanwhile, asks, "Has McCain EVER been in the sun?" He's from Arizona, dick head.

9:11 PM ... "Joe the Plumber" ... a bit of a step-up from "Joe Six Pack." missouri_gal on twitter posits, "McCain is on crack."

9:12 PM ... Wonkette says, "Oh lord. Gibberish already, stumbling, talking to the camera, “What you want to do?” Huh?" Huh? What is this live-blog thing? Debate what?

9:13 PM ... Washington Times continues with the insider details. "Both nominees in dark suits; Obama with a red tie, McCain, blue. (Shouldn't they be switched?) Flag pin on Obama; none on McCain." Meanwhile, Wonkette notes, “Ordinary families” and the squiggly rises!" Listen closely, children: this man speaketh the language of the twitter.

9:16 PM ... Over on twitter, misteng calls Obama on his bullshit. "page by page line by line....fat chance obama would even open the budget let alone look at it." Yeah, fuck, can Obama even read? I've never seen it!

9:17 PM ... During the depression era? McCain is so old. Twitterer emptyonline, whose icon is a caveman missing his buck teeth, opines, "McCain must have dry eyes." The people have spoken.

9:19 PM ... Wonkette is stalled, Washington Times too. John McCain says he's not George Bush; willakammerer tweets, "McCain sounded like he was going to wrangle down the budget like a wild animal."

9:23 PM ... Oh Christ the live blogs are even worse than the debate. Do ya'll have these lie detector audience reaction male/female income meters on your teevee? I can't watch something without the rest of America immediately telling me what I think about it!

9:24 PM ... John McCain has scars! Scars! He stresses his leadership; Twitter says, malena2: "stop talking about scares McCain we get it your Old. get over your self, the Presidency doesnt off a Senior Citizen Discount,Scars dnt count." A 140 chrctr magician!

9:26 PM ... John Kennedy before the tragedy at Dallas? WTF? Why does John McCain always bring up every American tragedy as if he were intimately involved in it?

9:27 PM ... Talking about mudslinging, McCain says he's "hurt" to be associated with segregation. linkinchan splits hairs, saying, "segregation isn't the worst thing that's happened in this country... slavery, anyone? god, mccain... *sigh*... try again." Ugh, what? Thank god these are under 140 characters.

9:29 PM ... Washington Times is taking its sweet time with the live-blogging. It's almost as if they're just blogging! Ba bam!

9:30 PM ... McCain makes a sports metaphor! And with the Arizona Cardinals! Drink! Meanwhile, ActsofFaithblog (?????) calls the game: "This debate is now officially OVER. McCain you had the chance to be Presidential but you blew it." Thank G*d there are blogs for everything.

9:32 PM ... JOE THE PLUMBER AGAIN? Fuck. Joe the Plumber loses this debate. Didn't they remember any other "real American" story they picked up on NPR or something?

9:35 PM ... Hey Barack Obama, thanks for telling McCain to tell you all his mudslinging to your face because everyone watching this debate wants to bring those ridiculous negative ads into presidential talky time. Another hour of this?!

9:37 PM ... Hey, a Republican candidate dodger for once: On Twitter, Jessicawendt insists, "I personallly am a huge mccain supporter. I think everything he stands for is legit . If obama wins i am moving to canada." Later, dude.

9:38 PM ... Hey Bill Ayers, become a part of this campaign: get a twitter. XOXO, Current TV.

9:39 PM ... Facts are facts, but those are not the facts? Hug it out Mr. & Mrs. Fact.

9:40 PM ... Bam, Schieffer with the running mate question! Oh goody I just can't wait for McCain's answer! PS: "Scranton PA is my homeboy."

9:42 PM ... Obama shies from attacking Palin; ECByrd on the other hand says, "Obama should say, because my running mate isn't functionally retarded."

9:43 PM ... Palin, a role model for women you say! Your pandering conquers my weak feminine identity!

9:44 PM ... She understands special needs families? She would be a great teacher ... no, no nevermind. Nevermind, I didn't say that.

9:45 PM ... Obama, always classy. Says her capability is up to YOU, the twitterers of America! What say you, American voters? "portlandishone: McCain said Sarah brings the breasts!" Great.

9:46 PM ... Are you reading Wonkette, Senators? Ken Layne pwns u: "The voters of Ohio REALLY do not care for Sarah Palin. Not the women, anyhow. Broads hate this Palin character, good LORD. Are all the lady voters in Ohio suddenly dead or asleep or something? John McCain cannot even pronounce “breath of fresh air” correctly. “She understands that autism is on the rise.” Yes, that is a very important quality for a vice president to possess."

9:47 PM ... Washington Times' Joe Curl is the most earnest dude to hit the Internet! He is just straight quoting the candidates and adding context as if he were writing an article in a newspaper (or as the children refer to them, "encyclopedia.") Where's the snark, Curl? Snark it to me!

9:49 PM ... Obama and McCain talk oil, drilling, "climate change" (totally natural). But is Palin totally natural, gentlemen?! Twitter of the night: grahamchilla: " Find out what america thinks of Sarah Palin...vote at ispalinshaved.com." Fucking jerk.

9:50 PM ... Meanwhile, Wonkette pretty much sums up my thoughts on the debate: "Cockamaimie! Drink!" Yep.

9:51 PM ... McCain respects Obama's "eloquence." Did he get his debate notes from Joe Biden's gaffe book??

9:52 PM ... But what, you ask, does Fishbowl D.C. think of all this? Well I'll tell you: "Strong Obama response to Ayers, ACORN." Live-blogging conventional wisdom: How I thirst for it!

9:53 PM ... Is Joe Curl really the Washington Times' greatest blogger? Has the Washington Times ever heard of blogs? Is Joe Curl just reciting a letter to an olde-tyme lady secretary who is filing her typewritten pages into his air-pressurized Internet tubes?

9:56 PM ... Health care shmealth care. Wonkette says, "Barack Obama has never traveled south of our border, whereas John McCain is secretly Panamanian and had sex with some hot Brazilian model back in the 1930s!" Everything the Internet says is true. Live blog fact checkers make sure of it.

9:59 PM ... John McCain speaking about health care is subtly hillarious. Says alisonboring: "Listen I don't think there's any doubt that John McCain pees in a portable pee bag."

10 PM ... FUCCKKK Joe the Plumber needs to come up every half hour. Great. Will Joe the Plumber mysteriously enter the debate at the very end, as if to accelerate the plot of the porn film that is the electoral process?

10:02 PM .. Wonkette is on its third live-blog page. How many squirrel/old/gay/old gay squirrel jokes can one live blog made? Plenty.

10:03 PM ... I just ate a glob of raw cookie dough my friend accidentally dropped on the rug, which I am laying on as I stupidly watch a twitter feed of "real Americans." THIS IS THE LIFE OF A LIVE-BLOGGER.

10:05 PM ... Sick of the debate? I know I am! binkybink on twitter has got the afterparty: "McCain is d**cheb*g – I might just have to watch Kung-Fu Panda and tune it all out."

10:04 PM ... McCain calls Obama Senator Government? Is that the new super hero twitter name for President? I like it!

10:06 PM ... Best line of the night, Wonkette: "Obama says yes, because my plan excludes penalties on small businesses, such as professional cumming."

10:08 PM ... McCain will search the deepest jungles of South America to find the best judges in the "world" for "America's" Supreme Court. Also, RidaZehra thinks you're dumb and old, John McCain! "LOL why is McCain using a sharpie to take notes...oh yeah, he is 378 years old" At least he can write, unlike Barack Obama who may be unable to read.

10:09 PM ... Abortion, rahhh!!! McCain says he won't use a litmus test, while Barack Obama says he's looking for judicial record AND for Supreme Court judges that "understand what people are going through," a.k.a., people who agree with him on what he finds important. Fucking answer the abortion question though.

10:11 PM ... Courage and compassion on this decision? But you don't want it to be a decision! Oh god, don't bring up the Obama dead baby thing again. Barack Obama voted against keeping braindead dead babies alive after they're aborted. In other words, he is "a maverick."

10:12 PM ... Obama and McCain duke it out on the health of infants the mothers wanted to abort. justinmassa weighs in to say, "McCain has very, very old looking hands." Citizen journalism at its best.

10:15 PM ... Wonkette found Joe the Plumber's website! Wooooo, crash and burn it! Burn it!

10:17 PM ... College debt! Beer bongs don't come cheap, folks.

10:19 PM ... This is the last question? Schieffer lets them talky talk a lot, which is better at least, then those stoplight timers during the Town Hall.

10:20 PM ... Says Fishbowl D.C., clairvoyant wizard of the Republican base: "Think McCain's "Senator Government' was a silly goof? The GOP base is loving it."

10:22 PM ... The live-blog bubble has burst. Law school?

10:23 PM ... McCain gives a big 'ol shout out to INSIDER WASHINGTON D.C. with the charter schools! Way to go D.C. schools! Wait . . .

10:24 PM ... Did McCain just say, "children, precious children, children who have autism . . . Sarah Palin." ??? These are the issues we talk about in the "domestic" debate? Oh, sorry, didn't know America was so fucking boring.

10:25 PM ... Big diss to D.C.! Shoutout to Michelle Rhee! Thanks for giving us the Joe Plumber treatment, Governor Government. Thanks very much.

10:26 PM ... McCain scary laugh ENDS IT. Wonderful!

10:27 PM ... FINAL STATEMENTS: McCain is a reformer, he wants to focus on health care and education and the economy. In a surprise maverick move, McCain also announces candidacy for President of United States!

10:28 PM ... Aww. Despite "Country First," McCain's kind of crazy angry kooky cute, I guess. Pat pat!

10:30 PM ... Barack Obama's final statement: Why it would be an honor! Meanwhile, mikemimik asks, "What would Obama look like with a mustache? Kinda looks like he's got a 5 o'clock shadow going on."

10:31 PM ... Voting will make you feel big and strong? I'm convinced!

10:32 PM ... Oh, bring the ladies out. Come on. Now go on, shoo.

10:33 PM ... Wonkette brings out the cum again on McCain: "But My Friends, Joe the Cummer, Plumber, needs a new caulk gun for his cumming. And he can’t do that with the Obama Money Tax. Fuck all this shit. Bye." Over at Washington Times, Joe Curl is a bore. In other news, why am I watching this on FOX? And what happened to that cookie dough?

10:35 PM ... Bye :(

Refresh for more.

So join us tonight for the Sexist's live-blog live blog, where we live-blog your live blogs for you! (Hear that, Google? We're live-blogging!) This evening, watch the debate with us as we rate the live blogs of your favorite Washington live-bloggers, from the sarcastic leftist live-bloggings of Wonkette (rumored to have carried on domestic terrorist affair with Bill Ayers) to the hard-hitting right-wing catchphrase recycled live-bloggers over at the Washington Times (once caught attempting to nail Jello to a wall). Bonus: The best and worst of the twitter pile (I'm looking at you, Fishbowl D.C.)!

Stay tuned to The Sexist around 9 p.m. EST for all your live-blog needs. Live blog.