Yesterday, the c-word—chivalry—arose in the comments section of this blog, in the context of the outdated gender code's unfairness to men. Ah, chivalry: That old code of behavior that men must follow in order to protect the "honor" of women they know. Through chivalry, a woman's honor becomes a man's responsibility; her honor brings honor to him, and her shame brings him shame. Chivalry isn't just offensive because it forces men to protect women, but also because traditional ideas of what brings  "honor" and "shame" to women are often highly sexist. And so, chivalry also works to encourage women to internalize misogyny in order to preempt shame from befalling men.

Three recent events that provide an insight into chivalry, and how it functions:

1. In a recent post on Holla Back DC, a woman describes being harassed by a group of firemen while out celebrating her fiance's birthday. As her fiance stepped away to retrieve cash from an ATM, she stepped to the curb to look for a cab. She was "dressed up," but "did not look slutty," she says; the firemen disagreed:

As I was looking down the street at oncoming traffic, a fire engine drove by. It was not on its way to an emergency, as its lights and siren weren’t on and they were driving at a somewhat slow speed. However, they honked their loud siren at me and started cheering out of the window. This was of course just as my fiance was walking out of the ATM. He was offended that men in uniform would do that, and to tell you the truth, it made me feel like common street trash and that they treated me like a hooker. Even if my fiance was outside with me and it happened, nothing could really have been done. He may have yelled after the fire engine, but that wouldn’t have accomplished anything.

I was really embarrassed and am still embarrassed when I think about it. I even felt embarrassed on behalf of my fiance, as I thought others may have thought he was with a hooker. I don’t know if that’s rational or not. It makes me want to cover up more when I go out, but I shouldn’t have to. I was dressed quite nicely, yet I still was treated in this manner. It was disgusting.

For this anonymous Holla Back DC poster, being treated "like a hooker" was a stunning insult of her value as a woman, and therefore a great source of shame. (As far as traditional expectations of women go, being confused with a sex worker is, unfortunately, pretty low on the "honor" list). This woman's reaction may help to explain why some victims feel shame after being sexually harassed or assaulted. When women are treated as less-than-human, there are often two conflicting internal reactions: (a) anger at the harassers who devalued her based on her gender, and (b) being forced to consider the idea, however briefly, that she has no value.

Our writer presents a third reaction: A secondary source of shame, derived from the possibility that someone "may have thought [her fiance] was with a hooker." Since the woman's fiance is responsible for her shame as well, he may have a similarly conflicted reaction: (a) anger at the harassers who devalued her based on her gender, and (b) shame that he is associated with a woman who is considered by other men to be valueless. Chivalry encourages him to take personal offense to this, inciting one of two reactions: (a) engaging in a verbal or physical altercation with the harassers in order to compensate for the woman's shame with a display of manhood; and/or (b) chastising the woman for bringing shame upon him, i.e. "Don't embarrass me in front of other men"; "Don't go out looking like that"; "See what you made me do."

In this case, there's no indication that the fiance openly chastised this woman for dressing inappropriately (though he may have gone after the firemen had he had the opportunity). The actual display of chivalry isn't necessary to instill in this woman a sense of responsibility for her fiance's honor. The realization that a man may be shamed when she is harassed for being a woman makes her want to dress more conservatively in order to preempt any further shame on him in the future.

2. This weekend, I had a conversation with a guy visiting the District from Turkey. We got to talking about the evolving tradition of women wearing headscarves in his country. About half the women he knows wear headscarves, and half don't; his mom wears one, but his wife doesn't. In Turkey, he said, a woman who doesn't cover her head brings society's shaming not only upon herself, but also upon her husband. Insisting that a woman wear a headscarf is considered a man's responsibility, and a woman with her head uncovered can reflect a personal failure on the man assigned to enforce the rule. "If you follow all the rules of the religion, you get an A+ in being a Muslim," he explained. If your wife doesn't cover your head, you can still be a good Muslim, but your grade gets knocked down a few points.

Not all women wear the headscarf because their husbands or fathers or brothers tell them (or force them) to. Some choose to wear it for personal, cultural, and religious reasons. And some choose to wear it in order to preempt any possibility of shame being brought upon the men in their lives. They want their husbands to get an A+.

3. Today, WTOP reported that Vladimir Djordjevic has died after spending three years in the hospital attempting to recover from the extreme burns covering his body. Djordjevic, a manager at District strip club Good Guys, was "doused with gasoline and set on fire" on Nov. 4, 2007, after he ejected a patron for breaking a house rule—he took a cell-phone photo of a dancer's butt. The patron, trucker Vasile Graure, returned to the club with a gallon of gasoline and proceeded to light Djordjevic—and then the club—on fire. (You can read a complete account of the trial here; Graure was sentenced to 30 years in prison, which may be increased in light of Djordjevic's death).

So: Graure thought he had complete authority over the naked woman in front of him; Djordjevic informed him that he did not; Graure set Djordjevic on fire.

Djordjevic's death is an extreme example of how chivalry facilitates the transfer of misogyny from women to men. As Amanda Marcotte noted earlier this year,  "when it comes to the patriarchy, sexist men will enforce the rules not just on women, but on other men who seem insufficiently committed to the art of oppressing women," she writes. When Graure set Djordjevic on fire, he applied his misogynistic rage to the man who would not sit back and allow him to control women. You see the same kind of transfer of misogyny with guys who, thanks to chivalry, will "Never Hit A Woman"; instead, they'll hit the closest guy.

This kind of misogyny transfer doesn't just result in the tragic deaths of guys like Djordjevic (who, as club security, had the unnerving professional task of protecting dancers from misogynistic patrons). It also helps to obscure the root of the violence, which is an extreme hatred of women. By placing a male intermediary between a misogynist and the intended recipient of his misogyny (a woman), the misogynist can walk away from a chivalry-induced fist-fight patting himself on the back for how much he "respects women." Meanwhile, some blame for said fist-fight can be conveniently transferred onto the woman for failing to take the punch herself. In order to avoid both the fist-fight and the self-blame, the woman has one line of defense—don't do whatever you think caused the misogynist to get so angry. Don't wear a short skirt. Don't protest when he takes your photo in a strip club. Don't get angry when he sexually harasses you.

"The lesson here is not that women should be more eager to be treated like subhumans," Marcotte writes. "The lesson is that sexual harassment is a dominance display, and the harassers will often resort to violence to maintain the dominance they desire. 'Never hit a woman' doesn’t really do much to address the underlying cause of violence against women, which is male dominance and misogyny."

Chivalry encourages a form of preemptive internalized misogyny that results in the policing of women, how they dress, where they go, how much hair they show, and whether they stand up for themselves when harassed or assaulted. In the future, the woman harassed by the firemen may dress more conservatively, or avoid standing on the street corner alone, in order to prevent her husband from ever being associated with someone who is confused for "a hooker". A woman may choose to wear a headscarf in order to preempt any shame being brought to her husband. And a woman who is victimized by a man may not speak out, in order to avoid the chivalrous man-next-door from starting a fist-fight—or criticizing her for somehow encouraging the harassment.

Chivalry works to unfairly displace misogyny onto men. But focusing solely on that particular failure of chivalry ignores the obvious truth—that misogyny is unfair for everyone. Women, too!

Photo via David Spender, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

"Don't play with fire," prosecutor Kacie Weston said. "This is what we're taught since we are very young, because of the damage it causes and the speed with which it causes that damage." She continued, "Vasile Graure used fire as his own personal weapon to get even. . . to burn that building to the ground and kill everyone inside."

After rehashing evidence in the case that Weston said was "undisputed"—that Graure was a truck driver and tourist in D.C., that he went to Good Guys, that he was asked to leave for taking a photo, that he left the club, and that a fire soon alighted in the building, melting televisions and exit signs, and seriously injuring Good Guys bouncer Vladimir Djordjevic—Weston underscored witness testimony of Djordjevic's statements following the fire. "The man came back with the can and I tried to stop him . . . the man we kicked out," Weston repeated. Djordjevic, still critically injured from last year's fire, could not leave the hospital to take the stand in the case.

Weston then turned to the events that occurred following the fire. Graure conspicuously stopped his tourist activity, Weston said: He didn't go out to eat, drink, or see the city's entertainment. He didn't return to any strip clubs. He stayed in his hotel room. He put a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. He ate bags of chips and sodas out of vending machines. "He was not being a tourist," said Weston. "He was being out of sight."

Weston again showed the jury a photo of Graure as he was arrested inside an Alexandria Day's Inn. In the photo, red burns stretch from his handcuffed wrists up to his elbows. But Graure didn't go seek treatment at a hospital, Weston said. He self-medicated his burns with Vaseline and gauze. He covered his hands when he went outside. And he grew a beard. "He was trying to hide, trying to change his appearance," she said.

"He's still trying to change his appearance," Weston argued. After witness Kathleen Lazorchack identified Graure in the courtroom, Weston says, Graure came back the next day "and he had shaved his head," she says.

Weston then argued that Graure's intent in the case was clear. "The defendant's actions show that he was trying to kill everyone in that club and specifically in the area where he poured the gasoline," she says. "He took his time," she added. "He left the club. He walked to the gas station. It took him time to walk to the Chevron station. And it took time to talk to [station attendant] Mr. Berhane."

When he returned to the club, Weston said, Graure poured gas. "Not in a small spot on the floor, or in a trash can to make a point," she said. "He poured it everywhere he could reach. . . . He didn't come down to this building in the middle of the night to make a point. To burn it down when no one was there," she added. "What other intent is there for lighting gasoline in a fully occupied building?" she said.

"You don't yell fire in a crowded theatre," concluded Weston. Graure "did far, far worse," she said. "He lit a fire in a crowded club."

Weston asked the jury to convict Graure on all counts.

Jeng says that one year later, his patient remains in a life-threatening situation. Djordjevic's injuries are at the "extreme limit of what can be survived," Jeng says. In his 15 years at the area's main burn unit, Jeng says he has "never had a case worse than this that had a chance of survival. . . . It's an unbelievably horrific insult to the organism."

For the first few weeks after he was admitted to the hospital, Jeng attempted to keep Djordjevic from succumbing to "burn shock"—where the body's circulatory system shuts down and fails to deliver blood to all areas of the body, causing organ failure. Over the past year, he's worked to replace the 95 percent of Djordjevic's skin that was irreparably burned, using artificial skin, human skin grown in petri dishes, cadaver skin, and pig skin to patch the body. He's also had to work to cut off dead flesh from Djordjevic's body—which could end up toxic, "Just like food poisoning."

Jeng says his unit has "pulled out all the stops" in Djordjevic's case, and has been forced to "make this up as we go along." He's had sheets of Djordjevic's own dish-grown skin delivered from Boston, a "horrifically expensive" measure he's never seen utilized before. He was also forced to beg fellow surgeons to work to close a hole between Djordjevic's trachea and esophagus, because the throat surgeons "thought he was unsurvivable." The operation "damn near killed him," Jeng says.

As for Djordjevic's future prognosis, Jeng says, "I hope he's not going to die. I'm not sure he's not going to die."

"Sometimes I wonder if I've done him a favor or not," he says. "Sometimes I wonder."

The man, she says, was "nice"—if loud, obnoxious, and appearing drunk. After their exchange, Kremer says she didn't see the man for about 20 minutes—when she saw him return to the club carrying a "can of gasoline and a lighter."

"Vladimir [Djordjevic] had his arm around him to make sure he didn't get any further into the club," Kremer says. The man "was pouring gasoline anywhere he could possibly pour it." Kremer says she smelled the gasoline. She didn't see the fire ignite, but felt the heat on her back and ran toward the bar to tell the bartender what was happening. She says she has no doubt it was the same person who complimented her appearance earlier in the evening.

Later, Kremer made it down to the basement kitchen, where she saw Djordjevic again. "He was like, engulfed in flames," Kremer says. He was on fire, head to toe, and trying to put himself out with a hose attached to the sink, normally used to clean dishes. It wasn't working. When Kremer turned and ascended the stairs, she says, Djordjevic was still on fire.

When it was all over, Kremer's backside and shoulder were badly bruised. She didn't go to the hospital.

During the cross-examination, the defense questioned whether Kremer actually saw a lighter in the patron's hand. "You didn't actually see a lighter," the defense attorney argued. "I saw a lighter," replied Kremer. "You saw something shiny." "It appeared to be a lighter."

Later, another waitress who was on duty that night, Stephanie Palmer, took the stand. Palmer was working as a "Shooter Girl," a waitress who circles the club with a tray of shots, trying to sell them for $9.75 a pop. She didn't sell any that night before the fire. Shortly after she sat down with her tray, "Vladimir and this guy came in," she says. "They were wrestling. The guy had a canister and he was pouring it all over him, and all over the floor."

Palmer says she noted the stranger was wearing a red jacket and blue jeans. She and her coworkers looked on, confused at what was happening. Then, the gasoline ignited. "The flames hit the ceiling. It blocked off the doorway," she says. Everyone ran. There was pushing and shoving. "I felt like my hair was on fire."

At one point, Palmer lost her shoe and went back to retrieve it. The dancer on the stage nearest the fire, "Golden," jumped off stage. "She flew," Palmer says.

When Palmer finally got outside, she watched Djordjevic exit the building, she says. "He came up next to me and said, 'don't touch me, don't touch me,'" she says. Girls began crying and puking from the scent. Palmer stayed with Djordjevic until the ambulance arrives, she says.