Three Georgetown students (and another from NYU) have launched WorstHookUps.com, a website for anonymously airing your greatest sex fails. “After a traumatizing hookup experience, [we] looked for a place to post the story online and realized that no such website existed," a site creator (they won't reveal their names) told Chris Heller at Vox Populi. Of course, some of the entries are horrifying for all the wrong reasons—like this one, in which our anonymous contributor complains about hooking up with an "older black woman" whose breasts he describes as "straight-up National Geographic shit." The hook-up takes a turn for the worse when she expects him to help her orgasm, and employs a vibrator in this pursuit. Also? This "older black woman" is 27 years old.

Photo via rachelkramerbussel.com, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

DILDO OF THE FUTURE: "The double anchor strapless dildo"

PATENT APPLICATION DATE: April 9, 2004

HOW IT WORKS: Dildos of the future will engage the "bony structure of the symphysis pubis," which will finally replace the pesky and impractical "strap" with AN ANCHOR IN YOUR VAGINA:

A double-anchor strapless dildo has an insertion shaft (1) formed for insertion in a vagina of a first female by a second female to whom the insertion shaft is double-anchored with an anal anchor (4) and a vaginal anchor (5) on an attachment base (2). . . . the attachment base has a vaginal-anchor hook (11) formed for engaging bony structure of the symphysis pubis and for engaging erogenous entry walls of the vagina of the second female while being double-anchored to the second female with the anal anchor and the vaginal anchor.

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DILDO OF THE FUTURE: "personal exercise system"

PATENT APPLICATION DATE: February 25, 2004

HOW IT WORKS: Basically, takes an ab cruncher and puts a dildo on it. "The present invention relates to a personal exercise system and more particularly pertains to for allowing a user to perform a sexual exercise in a stimulating and healthful manner," the application reads.

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DILDO OF THE FUTURE: "Rocker apparatus"

PATENT APPLICATION DATE: November 6, 2007

HOW IT WORKS: "A sexual aide apparatus comprising a wicker rocking chair with a simulated male member frictionally held by wicker in a front panel of the chair and a method of using the apparatus."

Actually, I have no idea how this works.

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DILDO OF THE FUTURE: "method of making a detailed replica"

PATENT APPLICATION DATE: June 29, 2004

HOW IT WORKS: Facilitates creating the inexpensive, detailed replica of a penis . . . for any time you need an inexpensive, detailed replica of a penis:

A method of making an inexpensive, detailed replica of an actual penis by using a specifically designed cylindrical molding container filled with a formable and curable molding material to produce the mold, placing a phallic shaped vibrating device into that mold to partially fill the area, then filling the remainder of the mold with a pour able, curable casting material to create the finished copy.

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DILDO OF THE FUTURE: "Entertainment Articles of Manufacture Using the Idea of Female Sperm as a Plot Element"

[Not pictured].

PATENT APPLICATION DATE: July 31, 2007

HOW IT WORKS: This patent application doesn't intend to create a dildo which ejaculates female sperm—it only intends to further the idea of a dildo which ejaculates female sperm as a plot element in lesbian erotica, science fiction, political literature, and what have you:

Not only is there an absence of female sperm as a plot element in the no-limits-to-ideas worlds of science fiction and fantasy, but also there is no published motivation to so use female sperm as a plot element.

Such motivation is missing in the wealth of literature of lesbian fantasy stories, lesbians who presumably would be most motivated to have such fantasies of female sperm (especially in an era of the fight for legalizing same sex marriage). For example, some stories make use of certain strap-on artificial human penises that have the ability to squirt a liquid at an appropriate moment, presumably, to simulate ejaculation (Google search using "ejaculating dildo").

You would think that at least one pair of lesbians in a loving relationship, using such a device for entertainment, would have thought "If only the fake sperm was real and from our cells", and created entertainment about a world where female sperm from women exist.

In case it wasn't obvious, this patent was filed by a dude.

The base of the vibrator is encircled with a stunning “eternity” band of 28 round-cut black diamonds, the perfect accompaniment to the handwritten chorus from Dave Stewart’s song.The ultimate backstage pass, the vibrator comes with a leather cord threaded through the cap so it can be worn around the neck and taken out on the town. Also on the strap is a custom guitar pick—just in case a serenade or a solo is in order

"Eternity," coincidentally, is how long I will be haunted by the vision of former Eurythmics psych-synth mastermind Dave Stewart and his fade-tinted indoor sunglasses invading my private bedroom space. Stewart's website says that the vibrator, made in concert with sex toy producer Jimmyjane, "comes on the heels of his launch of Rock Fabulous, a concept brand that embraces the empowerment and attitude of rock and roll" and that vibrator enthusiasts should think of Stewart's lyrical inscription "as a semi-lucid love note, scrawled around the circumference of the vibrator."

Knowing that this vibrator is clearly meant to be an extension of Dave Stewart's rock God dick poses more questions than answers. How much does it cost to actually have sex with Dave Stewart, anyway? Probably a lot less than that, right? Do you think that when Dave Stewart has sex with a woman, he throws in one of those babies as a souvenir?

Image via DaveStewart.com