Ever catch an arial view of Greenbelt, Md., and think, "penis in vagina"? Now, you're not alone! Sex map shot via Jess.

Last week on the Sexist, readers sounded off on the new Kotex ad that isn't allowed to utter the sound "vuh-jahy-nuh," we parsed the difference between the "vulva" and the "vagina," and one commenter received some Very Special terminology instruction on the meaning of "tampon." Let's do this point-counterpoint style, shall we?

POINT: Censoring the word "vagina" is an absurd and sexist practice. Washington Post columnist Gene Weingarten on the Post's history of not saying "vagina" in print:

On this subject, I’d like to reprise a Comment I once made in this very forum a few months ago:

Meanwhile, I’d like to share a story apropos of the argument about whether women “are” their body parts. Back in the 1990s I was editing a story by Laura Blumenfeld about the then-trendy topic of the female condom. When we were done with it, the story had to be approved by a top editor at the paper, because it was about sex, and The Post was very, very nervous about sex. The editor liked the story, but he asked us to take out the word “vagina,” which he found distasteful. (Er, he found the WORD distasteful.)

Laura and I argued strenuously that you cannot write a story about the female condom without indicating how it is used, and that it is absolutely impossible to explain this without using the v word. And that there is nothing wrong with the v word.

The editor got all huffy and declared that he would rewrite it himself, which he did. And so there appeared the following line in The Washington Post; it is still in the archives: “The female condom lines the inside of a woman.”

Voila! In trying to be tasteful and sensitive, this editor put into the Washington Post a line SPECIFICALLY equating a woman with her ladypart.

COUNTERPOINT: Censoring the word "vagina" is an absurd and sexist practice . . . inflicted against men by those danged feminist groups! Also, forget "vagina!" Why can't I say "pussy"? Jeff lays it all down for us:

Did you ever think that women will complain if the word vagina is used and the networks don’t want letters and calls from thousands of women. It’s why words for male genitals are used routinely throughout every show on TV, but you will never hear a slang word for female genitalia. I have heard balls, nuts, dick, pecker, prick, dickhead, and even cock during prime-time on all channels. Why can’t tits or pussy be used? It’s because of the backlash from women’s groups and many women in general.

Could you imagine how many letters and calls NBC would receive if the show Parks and Recreation used the word pussy. But I heard the word dick and balls during the last episode. It’s ok for mainstream media to be sexist and bash men, use words for male genitalia, portray men as bumbling idiots, but not women.

It’s even ok to show men nude in basic cable shows, but never women. Movies and cable shows even have started showing penises regularly, but a vagina is forbidden. It’s given an NC-17 if they try to show it. Only pubic hair or a boob is allowed because women think showing a vagina degrades them. Even the show Spartacus shows penises every episode, but they won’t show a vulva so they make the women wear merkins to cover them up.

So in the end, blame women and women’s groups for acting like a vagina is so vulgar.

Does "A Vagina Is Forbidden" sound like a catchphrase used to sell diamonds to anyone else? And speaking of the difference between the vagina and the vulva, I, too, am interested in basic cable showing more of the internal canal leading to a woman's uterus. Also, why aren't these ancient Roman women depicted with totally bald genitalia? Sexism!

Say what you will about the era of Vajazzling—at least people are talking about vaginas, even if they're talking about replacing natural hairs with space crystals, and even if they are actually talking about the pubic area above the vagina, and even if the whole thing should really be called "Pubazzling." Some people don't even want to acknowledge that vaginas exist. Tampon maker Kotex found that out the hard way when it attempted to sell tampon ads that invoked the word "vagina," and found its commercials rejected by three networks.

The New York Times reports that the above ad—in which a young actress mocks traditional tampon ads for their condescending, euphemistic tone—originally referenced the "vagina." When three networks rejected the spot, Kotex subbed in the euphemism "down there" for "vagina," and only two of the three networks rejected it. Now, the commercial contains no direct references to female genitalia—you know, the place where the fucking tampon goes.

The irony is not lost on Kotex. "It's very funny because the whole spot is about censorship," a director of the ad company who created the spot told NYT. "The whole category has been very euphemistic, or paternalistic even, and we're saying, enough with the euphemisms, and get over it. Tampon is not a dirty word, and neither is vagina."

Even without vagina, the ad is still the greatest tampon commercial ever. In it, the actress details all the tampon-ad-related activities she loves engaging in—holding really soft things, running on the beach, twirling, wearing white Spandex—while footage from Kotex's own history of terrible tampon ads plays. It's not "vagina" on TV, but it's still pretty awesome. Here's the final transcript:

How do I feel about my period? We're like this [crosses fingers]. I love it. I want to hold really soft things, like my cat. It makes me feel really pure. Sometimes I just want to run on the beach. I like to twirl, maybe in slow motion. And I do it in my white Spandex. And usually, by the third day, I really just want to dance. The ads on TV are really helpful, because they use that blue liquid, and I'm like, Oh! That's what's supposed to happen!

Thanks to onelovejedi for the tip.

SEX EUPHEMISM: Sushi

[youtube:v=Y-QObX9JeuM]

LITERALLY: According to Wikipedia, sushi is "cooked vinegar rice which is commonly topped with other ingredients, such as fish, or put into rolls."

UNDERLYING MEANING: Urban Dictionary floats several bizarre sexual interpretations of the term, from a threesome, to "rough sex," to "more than 1/4 cup of semen produced in one ejaculation." But the most widespread sexual connotation of "sushi" is surely "vagina."

DEFINING MOMENT: The vaginal sushi reference most recently popped up in Young Money's "Bedrock," in which Drake announces, "I Love your sushi rolls / hotter then Wasabi." The term has not always been employed in a sexual context, however. In 2006's "Killa Cam," Cam'ron uses "sushi" to play off the idea of "sleeping with the fishes": "Ass cap, put em in the river / I'm the sushi king / And I'ma keep ya fresh / Let the fish eat ya flesh."

Perhaps the most overtly sexual use of "sushi" came in Funkdoobiest's 1995 song, "Pussy Ain't Shit" (above). While Young Money's "BedRock" attempts to takes a softer, less explicit approach to the sushi roll, Funkdoobiest's use of "sushi" clearly situates the term in a violent and denigrating sexual context. In a song dedicated to why female genitalia, and by extension, women, "ain't shit," Funkdoobiest drops several lines comparing women to consumable (and therefore disposable) objects. "Pussy ain't shit, give it to me in a frying pan," the track insists, before listing off the menu: "brothas in prison doing time for the coochie / the tuna, the shrimp, the snatch, and the sushi."

Despite Young Money's attempts to convert "sushi" into a sweeter sexual euphemism, the term will perhaps never recover from Funkdoobiest's more explicit interpretation.

An Egyptian scholar has called for the death penalty for people caught importing a new "female virginity-faking device" into the country. The product, a condom which simulates vaginal bleeding, is seen as a "cheap and simple alternative to hymen repair surgery" for a woman who must "feign virginity on her wedding night" in order to avoid the social repercussions of premarital sex. The condom, produced in China, is currently being sold in Syria for $15 a pop. So, how does it work?

Ten years ago, the design (or a very similar one) was patented in the United States by Shahram Shawn Omrani of Passaje, N.J. The product, called the "Condom Simulating Virginity," consists of a flexible, open-ended sheath (like your regular Trojan), but is outfitted with an additional burstable pouch "containing a red colored fluid simulating blood." The pouch is constructed from a weaker material than the condom itself so that the blood compartment "ruptures during sexual intercourse, while the sheath remains intact." Unlike your standard translucent condom, this prophylactic is meant to be made from a dark material to help conceal the red liquid stored inside. If all goes according to plan, the man straps on the condom before sex, the woman appears to bleed during intercourse, and nobody is the wiser.

According to the patent application, the condom was designed to serve cultures where "virginity is demanded of a bride." Writes Omrani, "it is possible that a prospective bride is no longer a virgin, and hence risks being undesirable or subject to scorn and disapproval should her status become known after a marriage. In extreme cases, some cultures even sanction killing of a non-virgin bride. The applicant is unaware of apparatus which will simulate discharge of blood which ordinarily accompanies first sexual intercourse undertaken by a virgin woman, this being the effect of the present invention."

I'm troubled that a product like the "Condom Simulating Virginity," which should never even exist, appears to be in high demand in some corners of the world. I'm saddened that female virginity is still considered a requirement for marriage in some cultures. I'm frustrated that the presence of an intact hymen (which can break under a variety of conditions, including rape) is considered proof of that virginity, and bleeding (not everybody bleeds) is considered proof of an intact hymen. Mostly, though, I'm concerned that the condom is not going to work.

The virginity condom theory has a few serious holes in it. Though condoms are said to have originated in Egypt, the use of any condom—much less a blood-filled virginity condom—is still stigmatized in the country. What if the man does not want to use a condom on his wedding night? What if he doesn't want to use a strange, dark-colored condom on his wedding night? What if the condom breaks too early, or doesn't break? What if he realizes that the condom he is rolling on his penis is outfitted with a pouch of liquid? What if he realizes that the condom, which is designed to rupture, has strangely broken?

It's already clear that for some Egyptian women, the consequences of premarital sex are high. Now that the virginity-simulating device has been relatively popularized in the country, I'm afraid we'll hear more about the consequences reserved for women forced to fake it.

Tampa's Creative Loafing Recruits More Bloggers from roblimo on Vimeo.

Last month, TampaBay.com posted this video of a blogger meet-up inside the Tampa Creative Loafing offices. Among the attendees at the City Paper parent-company shindig—I spy red solo cups—was Shawn Alff, CL Tampa's "Sex and Love Editor" —me, but more Florida-y. Alff, who has written on bothstrong vaginas, and huge penises—and I got all that just by searching "Shawn Alff vagina penis" on Google—appears around the one-minute mark. "What do I expect from the bloggers? I expect a lot of full frontal, to be honest," he says. "If they want to write for us, they basically have gotta go balls to the wall, have gotta show me what they're working with. It's really, it's part of the job description."

I guess that explains this?

(Having trouble with the video? Click the "HD" button).

The other day, a friend of mine received a helpful pamphlet outside of the Metro entitled "Real Women vs. Fake Women." This handy guide—which reveals which ladies in your life are authentic and which are fake, make-believe women—is excerpted from Allan Williams' book, God Don't Like Fake People. In the book, Williams also tackles "real" and "fake" men. But more on that later—ladies first!

Women: Are you real, or are you fake? I've adapted Williams' tips into a handy fifteen-question quiz. Find out after the jump!

ONE.

a. You are very clean.

b. You put time, focus and energy into your booty.

TWO.

a. You are easy to please.

b. When you receive a compliment, you look at the person who gave it to you as if they were the scum of the earth. However, you are addicted to compliments, and if you go a day in public without getting one you will start getting insecure and looking in the mirror every 20 seconds.

THREE.

a. You cherish the simple things in life that are the really big things in life, like God.

b. You only mention God when you say “Oh MY GOD!!”

FOUR.

a. You intend to get married or have kids early in life.

b. You intend on having kids later in life, possibly as a single parent.

FIVE.

a. You don't have a lot of male friends.

b. You have a lot of so-called male friends.

SIX.

a. You are simple in nature.

b. You deal with multiple men at a time and claim that they are just male friends while steady fornicating with them.

SEVEN.

a. You love straight-forward simple men that need you.

b. You often cheat on your so-called boyfriends with coworkers at your job.

EIGHT.

a. You will take love over security because you know that true love always manifests itself in the physical form eventually.

b. You meet and talk to guys on Myspace.com or Facebook.com that your so-called boyfriends or husbands don’t know about it.

NINE.

a. You can't stand quiet feminine guys.

b. You are always getting into relationships with men that are on the down low.

TEN.

a. You don’t drink or smoke but will perhaps drink a tad bit on occasion.

b. You often drink a lot and sometimes smoke because you get taken out so much, and that’s why you don’t know how to cook and are often very filthy and dirty.

ELEVEN.

a. You speak your mind to your man but don’t mind being submissive.

b. You lack common sense.

TWELVE.

a. You know how to cook and clean.

b. You only work out mostly in the spring time because that’s when you get to compete against unknown females and your fake friends on who got the best body and tattoos.

THIRTEEN.

a. You are clean.

b. You are very used up.

FOURTEEN.

a. You are just happy to be in a real man’s presence.

b. You look pretty but your inside organs and your vagina are work out because so many male private parts have visited there.

FIFTEEN.

a. You are too into your mate to have time and energy to spend with another man.

b. You don't know that you are the cause of your own misery.

—

MOSTLY As: Congratulations! You are a real woman.

MOSTLY Bs: You are a fake woman who may or may not have personally annoyed the author of God Don't Like Fake People by: cheating on him with your so-called friends, co-workers, and Facebook acquaintances; drinking alcohol; having a worked-out vagina; being a single parent; or simply refusing to go out with him. As a result, God doesn't like you. For more information on your condition, read the entire excerpt here.

Photo by gailf548

Yesterday, I took my first trip around the big penis dating site 7orbetter.com, an exclusive online community for men with penises that measure seven inches or longer, and the women who love them.

The site is the brainchild of Steven Pasternack, a Miami, Fla. entrepreneur who is no stranger to the dating woes of the well-endowed. Pasternack is also the man behind sugardaddie.com, an online dating site "Where the classy, attractive, and affluent meet."

Pasternack's anatomically-based venture, launched a couple of weeks ago, "is not a joke," Pasternack, 45, confirms. "Believe it or not, this is a very important thing for some women. They're looking for the size, but they still want a well-rounded, quality guy."

Pasternack says the inspiration for the Web site came "from a female friend of mine," who confided in Pasternack that "she wants to meet quality guys, but when it comes time to go to bed with the guy, she's sometimes disappointed with how the guy can please her," says Pasternack. "She said it would be nice to know up-front what she can get from them."

The Web site has already attracted nearly a thousand women like her: There are currently 875 female members listed on the site. There are also 869 men, indicating that there are as many men out there advertising big penises as there are women who want them. "The men are interested in signing up, obviously, because they’re proud of what they have. They're glad they have a place to say hey—I’ve got eight inches, or nine. It's not a matter of bragging. Some women can’t handle what they have, sexually, and it turns out to be a disappointment for [the man]. They want the women to know up-front what they have—so it works both ways, actually."

The member profiles are on par with most online dating sites—age, height, weight, smoking or not—except that men are also asked to report the length of their penises, and whether or not they are circumcised. Men must claim seven inch penises "or better" to be eligible to use the site; there are no sign-up requirements for women.

Pasternack arrived at the magic number seven after "consulting a few female friends," he says. "Most of them had a preference for six-and-a-half or seven. I rounded up to seven." Men aren't asked to report girth. "Girth—that's a good question. We're considering adding that as a category," says Pasternack.

Pasternack insists that beyond the dimensions, 7orbetter.com is a dating site like any other, and obscene language, revealing photos, or prostitution dealings will not be tolerated. Still, Pasternack admits that revealing one's penis size alongside his snorkeling interest might be considered inappropriate in any other venue. "I don’t think it would sit very well with eHarmony," says Pasternack. "Match.com, I don’t think they’re ready for this either."

But how do women know whether a man's self-reported penis size is accurate? The Web site's terms of use notes that "Any information posted on 7orbetter.com's website must conform to reality and be accurate in its description and content." If you are a member of 7orbetter.com, and you do meet up with a man you believe is misrepresenting his penis size, you can always report him to Pasternack. Pasternack says that once two or more women report that a man isn't packing what hes reported, he's off the site. "Sometimes, a person could be acting vindictively. You never know," says Pasternack. "So we wait for two separate complaints to revoke his membership." So far, no members have failed to measure up.

As for Pasternack, who is married, 7orbetter.com is strictly a business interest—you won't find Pasternack's profile, or his measurements, on the site. But if 7orbetter.com were around when Pasternack was dating, would he have been eligible? "That’s a very personal question," says Pasternack. "If you must know, yes. Yes I would be."

Photo by Maui in Vermont

In the wake of the debut of exclusive big penis online dating site "Seven or Better," I think it's time to address another grave disparity implicit in our society's traditional dating scheme. Now, thanks to Seven or Better, women in the United States, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Australia can learn the dimensions of her potential date's penis before enduring the hassle of meeting, getting to know, becoming sexually interested in, and disrobing him.

But what about these large-penised men? Shouldn't men also be allowed to date freely without having to worry that his date's vagina is not large enough to accommodate his 7" or larger penis?

That's why I'm proposing a new online dating community tailored for men exclusively seeking women with accommodating vaginas. We'll call it something classy, like "Huge Vaginas or Better," and only women with what are generally accepted to be expansive vaginal canals (or, of course, better!) will be allowed to sign up.

But how will women know if they qualify? A woman can't simply hold a ruler up to her aroused genitalia and quickly record a measurement that men can then use to judge her sexual potential.

Ladies, here's how you know. If you are a woman who is so incapable of becoming sexually aroused by—or even consider forming an emotional connection to—a man with a penis smaller than seven inches long that you sign up for a dating site that screens out all men with "unacceptable" genitalia, then your vagina is probably good enough for Huge Vaginas or Better.

Photo by Atrayu

If the vibrating razor rubbed you the wrong way, perhaps this attempt to spice up the act of shaving your vagina will be more up your alley. Probably not, though, because it's pretty racist. It also implicates the house cat in ways I'm not entirely comfortable with.

This ad for the "Wilkinson Sword Quattro for Women Bikini"—a razor/trimmer duo—turns pubic hair shaving into a rousing gardening ditty, complete with racially-informed stereotypes about female sexuality and cruelty to animals!

So, the black woman's bush is big (wink), the Asian lady's bush is small (tee-hee), and by the end, the pussycat (oh, the subtelty) is completely hairless. Women of all races and vaginal styles spend their time enthusiastically grooming a slutty suburban wonderland that recalls Stepford, but with shorter skirts. I think the thing to take away here is that no matter how hairy your vagina is (if you're unsure, review the ethnic rubric above), just get rid of the damn thing, seriously. Also, make me a sandwich.

This ad comes recommended by the creepy dude who watched the whole thing over my shoulder while I was blogging about it in a coffee shop. He especially liked the pussy.

Daily Candy is an e-mail service that sends sassy, glowing, and thoroughly useless advertorials to your inbox each morning. For reasons even I cannot comprehend, I subscribe to this service, only to methodically delete each morning e-mail without reading it.

Some Daily Candy subscribers who are more dedicated than I brought this recent ad to my attention: It's for "Tinge, the first (and, we’re pretty sure, only) razor-slash-vibrator!"

The product is so ridiculous that it manages to stretch the bullshit capabilities of even the Daily Candy team:

Have you ever been in the shower, shaving your legs, when you started to get turned on? Didn’t you wish that trusty razor of yours could satisfy more sensual needs?

Now it can with the Tinge, the first (and, we’re pretty sure, only) razor-slash-vibrator! Yes. Really.

The Tinge may look like an ordinary shaver, but just throw on the cap and voila—party time! Finally, you can remove unwanted stubble and get off with a single device.

But wait, there’s more: The Tinge has a whopping 32 different speed/mode combinations for your pleasure, and it’s water resistant, so you can get freaky in the bathtub.

At first, I assumed this was some bizarre April Fools prank. But no: The Tinge is real, and its creators really do want you to shove a razor up your vagina. Daily Candy,

Earlier this week, I explained, ever-so-respectfully, why I thought sex-positive feminism was boring and dumb. In this edition of Sexist Beatdown, a chatty-thing, Tiger Beatdown's Sady kindly explains how she came to personally identify as a "sex positive feminist" by being the only employee in a sex shop who didn't know her anal nerve endings from the ones in her "cooter," and I realize that a preponderance of rope restraints may be the only thing keeping me from the dark "sex-positive" side. Enjoy!

AMANDA: ok. so. sex sex sex sex feminism sex

SADY: Indeed! I have, at times – many, many, MANY times – identified as a "sex-positive" feminist. Yet your article demonstrated for me some of the reasons why that can be annoying even to my very own ears!

AMANDA: yeah, and the issue is actually a lot more interesting than the form it was presented in my post ("rant")

SADY: Well, I feel like "sex-positive" is kind of a necessary construction, or was, at a certain point, when people were arguing with each other over whether porn, or heterosexual intercourse, was inherently oppressive to the ladies because of The Sexism. I even feel like right now we need to talk about ladies having sex drives and bodies that can enjoy sex and how that is not just necessarily some thing women inexplicably do to gratify man boners!

AMANDA: incidentally, i identify as a man boner gratifying feminist. i definitely agree with you, and i think the history of "sex positivity" and "feminist" is part of the reason it sort of nonsexually rubs me the wrong way. i just think at this point it's so obvious that feminists are not sex-negative. but i am a young female feminist-identifying person, so maybe it's not as obvious to, say, feminist-hating middle aged men.

SADY: RIGHT? They probably think you are out luring the man boners into wood chippers or something. OR marrying dudes so you can then divorce them, which I hear is quite popular. OR, you are a big old slutty slut slut boner slut. ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE TRUE, in the mind of the Middle-Aged-Feminist-Fearing-Dude.

In the future, women may be able to protect their vaginal linings from the HIV virus by smoking a special cigarette containing the anti-HIV drug griffithsin. Or maybe you'll just rub it all over your vagina, but either way, this is good news.

Griffithsin has been known for years to be effective in preventing HIV from "colonizing the vaginal lining," but science has yet to figure out how to reproduce the drug effectively, as "the only known naturally occurring source of griffithsin is a red algae found off the coast of New Zealand"—essentially, nowhere. Now, scientists have found a plant that has that grows under the necessary elements to cultivate griffithsin growths—tobacco.

Already, scientists have sprayed an entire tobacco field with a synthetic version of the algae and extracted the drug. Now, a vaginal gel is being tested on animals, with hopes of "phase one FDA clinical trials" within a year.

For those still hoping to smoke their HIV away, take heart: "A cigarette containing griffithsin hasn't been discounted either."

Photo by lissalou66