According to the Examiner:

Five out of eight Washington-area universities reported an increase in sexual offenses to the Department of Education from 2007 to 2008. The University of Virginia and Virginia Tech as well as Georgetown, George Mason and Catholic universities reported an increase in sexual assaults—which include rape and any other sexual act against someone's will.

This is how the Examiner crunches that data: "Women are increasingly being victimized on college campuses across the Washington region, with romantic relationships behind most of the assaults, according to the FBI and statistics from local universities."

Nope. It's certainly possible that more women were assaulted at local colleges in 2008 than were in 2007. But equally possible is that more women reported their assaults to authorities. So based on the data, we're really not in a position to either panic or pat ourselves on the back here.

But let's take a closer look at the data. Of the eight schools the Examiner included in its data, five saw their sexual assault report numbers fluctuate by only one assault. At Virginia Tech, reports increased from 3 to 4 assaults. At George Mason, they dropped from 12 to 11. At Catholic, they increased from 1 to 2. At American University, they dropped from 2 to 1. At the George Washington University, they increased from 5 to 6.

Of the three remaining schools, The University of Virginia saw the highest jump in reports—5 to 16. Georgetown saw reports increase from 8 to 10. And at the University of Maryland, reports dropped from 21 to 17.

What do these numbers mean? Absolutely nothing, probably. Unfortunately, the Examiner's go-to campus expert, University of Maryland administrator John Zacker, doesn't help to clarify matters:

He said sexual assault on campus is much higher than data reveals—the number of assault cases ranged from three to 16 in area colleges during 2008, but only 5 percent of victims file a report.

Zacker said students are building higher thresholds for obsessive behavior and waiting longer to report incidents—if they report them at all.

"There are some [victims] that incur this behavior for months without reporting it," he said. He said the invasive nature of campus investigations also deters victims from reporting—especially considering only 10 percent to 25 percent of students found guilty of sexual assault face expulsion, according to a report by the Center for Public Integrity, a nonprofit research center.

Zackler knows that there are huge barriers to reporting sexual assault on college campuses, so it's disingenuous for him—and the Examiner—to claim that a small fluctuation in the already tiny number of sexual assaults reported on campus has any sort of statistical significance. But even more bizarre is the fact that Zackler is actually arguing against the data's (likely insignificant) trend. If more students reported assaults in 2008 than 2007, where is the evidence that students today are "building higher thresholds for obsessive behavior and waiting longer to report incidents—if they report them at all"? Zackler may have personal knowledge that some victims on his campus have high thresholds for obsessive behavior and wait a long time to report their incidents, if they report them at all. But situating Zackler's observations as a frightening trend without presenting any comparative data is extremely misleading.

This week: How to erase your relationship doubts by conforming to stilted gender roles; Buster Darkhole is MIA; college students are getting relationship inspiration from The First Wives Club soundtrack. This time with feeling:

UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND: Girls must be girls.

Sex Tips: In a post-Valentines entry, UMD Diamondback advice columnist Esti Frischling administers a remedy to a female student who is concerned that her new beau is getting a bit too sweet on her (his super-serious Valentine's Day plans "freaked [her] out." Frischling's advice: In order to foster romance, ignore your obvious incompatibility, shelve your feelings, and stick to reinforcing traditional gender roles. "To be honest, I very rarely hear of girls complaining about getting too much attention," Frischling writes. "What is appealing about all these niceties and cutenesses, though, is it means someone cares about you. . . .  Perhaps it’s best not to say anything about how you don’t approve of his Valentine’s Day efforts. Instead, slow things down in other ways that won’t reveal to him how picky and alternative you are. If Hallmark has taught us anything, it’s that no one wants those things in a girl."

Life Lesson: A man doesn't like a complicated woman. Who cares if you don't even like him, either? "However you choose to handle it, don’t make him feel bad or insecure about trying to do nice things for you," Frischling writes. "It’s completely understandable that at this time it was too much for you, but unless you want to scare him away, just let it go."

Progressive Meter: And there's nothing worse than scaring away a guy who freaks you out, amirite ladies? :(

AMERICAN UNIVERSITY: Sex columnists are MIA.

Sex Tips: None. The AU Eagle's trio of pseudonymned sex writers—Buster Darkhole, Maxwell Hillcrest, and Amber Sparkles haven't churned out a column since "Stereotypes a Problem for Lesbian Community," a piece which caused some problems for the lesbian community on campus, actually. (A sampling: “Many try and divulge the deep mystery that is lesbian sex. However, this is often met with much difficulty. Lesbians, being quite secretive, rarely give out the methods they use for sex, but we have done the research for you and found out some interesting facts.”)

Life Lesson: Sometimes better to burn out than to fade away. The "AU Threesome" started off their sex-writing careers with a vaguely non-consensual bang back in September, and they've kept up the controversy since—until they fell off the Eagle's map three-and-a-half months ago.

Progressive Meter: This one gets a big frowny face, because I miss these kids. :(

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY: Bette Midler is on the soundtrack to our lives.

Sex Tips: In Hoya "Rounding the Bases" columnist Colleen Leahey's latest, undergrads are advised to avoid festering in "pseudo-relationships" that lie in the gray area between hooking up and exchanging Varsity letterman jackets. Leahey sketches the scene: "After many weeks (sometimes even months) of being together, you and your partner have yet to go on a real date. Many nights, your special friend has a bit too much Burnett’s and passes out, leaving your texts annoyingly unanswered. But when you’re together, everything is perfect. Suddenly, the good outweighs the bad. This, my friends, is another—and the most common for college students—example of when you should leave. Your optimism, hoping to make something good out of a total train wreck, is causing you to trap yourself in an unhealthy relationship. Stay too long and you will end up feeling insecure and unhappy."

Life Lesson: If you suspect that Leahey is writing from a bit of an old-school perspective—beware the Dangers Of Hook-Up culture!— here's some more evidence: "Eventually, you will realize how much happier you are. As great as consistency is, enjoying you’re freedom is so much more fulfilling. And if you’re ever feeling really down, take a tip from my friends and I: Blast The First Wives Club version of 'You Don’t Own Me.' Trust me, you’ll be basking in the golden rays of your newfound singledom before you know it."

Progressive Meter: The First Wives Club is a film about three sassy, middle-aged divorcees who exact revenge on their ex-husbands after they are all discarded for younger women. Is it just me, or is it kind of freaky that a sex column for young people is gleaning relationship inspiration from a movie about cliched, messy divorces caused by hopelessly cliched young women? :-|

The battle for ideological dominance in our nation’s capital’s collegiate sex columns continues. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of romantically forward women being dismissed as aggressive bitches?

This week, our college sex columnists get romantic: Why you should go down on your significant other this Sunday; who's allowed to date 18-year-olds; girls asking boys out is scary!

GWU: Say it with a blow job.

Sex Tip: In a Very Special Valentine's Day edition of her GW Hatchet sex column, Layla offers up some specialized advice: If you don't know how to say it, just say it in your GW Hatchet sex column. "With the guy I've been seeing recently, Red, we tend to skip foreplay and move straight to having sex. Which is totally fine, because as soon as I get him naked, that's all I want. But at the same time, there is something to be said for prolonging that anticipation just a bit longer. I'm still working on a way to say, 'Babe, let's slow down a bit and just touch each other.'"

Life Lesson: That, or say it with a blow job. "I think there's something incredibly hot about going down on a guy and hearing him moan with pleasure just from the way you're moving your mouth. Giving head can often be a lot more intimate than having sex—you can really focus on your partner and what gets him off. And that's what I think Valentine's Day is all about."

Progressive Meter: If preferring oral sex has any political implications, I'm not aware of them. EVEN.

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UMD: Dating out of your age range.

Sex Tips: UMD Diamondback advice columnist Esti Frischling informs co-eds that Aaliyah was wrong.To a 23-year-old super senior dude looking to hook up with an 18-year-old freshman girl, Frishcling writes: "Let’s not fool ourselves with the ol’ 'age-is-just-a-number' bullshit. People who say that are 15-year-olds with daddy issues who like to date their professors or are statutory rapists with conscience issues."

Life Lesson: 23-year-olds can date 18-year-olds. But they don't have to. "As long as you don’t lie about your age, you are transgressing no moral issues that I’m aware of, which are most of them. If you’re still feeling concerned and you think these chicks are too young, try hitting up the downtown bars. Then you can be sure all the girls are at least 21."

Progressive Meter: I appreciate the super senior considering issues of maturity and experience when choosing his sex partners. EIGHT.

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GWU Extra: When girls ask the boys.

Sex Tips: For the Hatchet's special Valentine's Day Issue, Lauren Hoenemeyer brings the New York Times "shortage of men" treatment to Foggy Bottom. GW's gender breakdown is 43 percent male, 57 percent female, leading some women on campus to commit what some students consider a "crime against nature." (The crime is asking a boy out, on a date). Hot tip: Some boys like it! "It's really romantic when a girl asks a guy out," freshman Jacob Zachs told Hoenemeyer. "Guys like it but girls don't like it. It takes the pressure off of us."

Life Lesson: But beware, ladies: Some college-aged men still hate women. "Sophomore Blake Eisenberg said that girls who ask guys out are 'too aggressive and too demanding.' He said, 'They should just let things happen, because they will happen if it's meant to be. They shouldn't force it. For it to work out in the end, for it to be a positive relationship, you need the guy to also like the girl.' Aaaand end trend piece!

Progressive Meter: Hoenemeyer balances her piece with two students in favor of the Sadie Hawkins tactic, and two against. But is that really a fair representation of attitudes on this subject? The two guys quoted in the article who oppose the practice actually think that a girl asking a boy if he would like to do something with her constitutes a "demand" that does not take into consideration that boy's feelings. If half of the GW campus really thinks this way, we're fucked. THREE.

Photo via George Eastman House

The battle for ideological dominance in our nation’s capital’s collegiate sex columns continues. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good-old-days of referring to all former sex partners as  "trash"?

This week: How to "recycle" last week's "human trash," in the bedroom; how getting waaaaaasted will help you get into her pants; why you should never approach the person you're fucking in public.

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tip: Georgetown Hoya relationship columnist Colleen Leahey goes green this week by applying the three R's to drunken GW hook-ups. In short: Your previous sex partners are "trash." Having sex with a casual hook-up twice means you're "recycling." "Human recycling is rather different from rocking your older sibling’s hand-me-downs," Leahey writes. "It typically involves alcohol, bad judgment and a late-night phone call. However, it happens on college campuses—all the time. So, is there some sort of benefit to this practice, or should an old hook-up be thrown in the trash, never to be touched again?"

Life Lesson: Sex makes everybody feel worthless. "Next time you see your random hook-up out, think about the repercussions of what you’re about to do," Leahey writes. "Weigh the pros and cons of your situation; if it seems worth it, then feel free to recycle one more time. But do remember, you could wake up the next morning feeling like a piece of trash yourself."

Progressive Meter: Even environmentalists are vulnerable to the conservative idea that having sex destroys every boy and girl's precious reserve of purity. ZERO.

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THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND:

Sex Tip: Seal the deal while she's drunk. UMD Diamondback advice columnist Esti Frischling returns from winter break to dole out advice on how to hook up with the girl you had your eye on last semester. Whatever you do, make sure she's not sober: "You didn’t man up and have your way with her when you had the chance, and now you’re just a loser with some number in your phone," Frischling writes. "The next time this happens, you have to capitalize on her tipsy advances."

Life Lesson: COLLLLEEEEGGGGGE! "I wouldn’t go straight to the sober, daytime date just yet. That’s a serious recipe for disaster. . .  you might not be drunk at that time during the day, meaning you’ll be less confident and she’ll be less attractive," Frischling writes. "I think you should meet her where you’re both most comfortable: drunk at a bar. You also don’t want to be stuck alone with her when everything goes to shit, you realize you have nothing to talk about, and you’re both terrible dancers."

Progressive Meter: Buhh. DRUNK.

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HOWARD UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tip: This time in the Howard University Hilltop's "He Said . . . She Said" column, the He and She team up to warn undergrads against becoming somebody's "boo." According to the Hilltop, "boo" really stands for "Boy Other Option" or "Broad Other Option," depending upon the gender of the "side jawn" in question. How to be a good boo: "Don’t spend all your money, don’t ask a bunch of questions, don’t expect to meet their friends, don’t go physically farther than your emotions will allow, and never try to come up to them when they’re with another person."

Life Lesson: Boos can graduate to boyfriends and girlfriends—if they know their role. "We’re young and many of us have lots of options to choose from when it comes to being in a relationship—especially the guys on campus—so I can’t blame them for testing the waters before jumping into commitment," they write. "But the key to being a good boyfriend/girlfriend is first being a good B.O.O. Play by the rules folks, and you will win."

Progressive Meter: Some aspects of boo behavior show a respect for your sex partner's autonomy—a willingness to allow some physical and emotional distance "before jumping into commitment." Other characteristics of the boo appear to be an entrée into an abusive relationship. Never try to come up to them when they're with another person! THREE.

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

The battle for ideological dominance in our nation’s capital’s collegiate sex columns continues. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of passive femininity, drunk-flirting double standards, and Jell-O Shot lesbianism?

This week: How to pick up guys sober; when gays and lesbians offend gays and lesbians; what to do when you pick up a guy drunk.

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UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND:

Sex Tips: Diamondback advice columnist Esti Frischling tells UMD girls how to find dates beyond the old standby of "flirting with random guys at the bars." Her venue of choice? "Class. Next time, just sit next to that stud and smoothly pass him an empty tic-tac-toe board—guaranteed to get you at least a smile and a game, possibly even a good lay."

Life Lesson: "Just look approachable and wear stretchy pants."

Progressive Meter: I support any relationship advice column targeted at women that does not rely upon sitting around and waiting for the hottest dude ever to reveal his improbable love for you. Man, Twilight has really lowered my standards. 6.

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AMERICAN UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tips: Since our AU Threesome of sex columnists has retired for the semester, this one's a rebuttal. Sarah Brown, Senior, has this to say about the Threesome's treatment of lesbian sex: "I can look past the inaccurate comparison of lesbian sex to Jell-O shots, the offensive implication that lesbians are all biologically the same and even the language that suggests that 'encountering a lesbian' is similar to running into a strange creature in the wild," she writes. "What I cannot seem to move past, though, is the Editor’s Note at the bottom of the column, which reads: 'In an attempt to prevent misinterpretation, we would like to acknowledge our sex columnists are of varying sexual orientations and genders.'”

Life Lesson: Newsflash: Gays and lesbians can offend gays and lesbians. Writes Brown: "While I’m glad that The Eagle has taken a non-heteronormative approach to the sex column, what this note implies is that The Eagle staff does not regard members of the LGBT community to be capable of saying things that offend and hurt persons in their community."

Progressive Meter: Good points, all. But really, how is one expected to get through a semester of sex column writing without including at least one offensive analogy to Jell-O shots? 9.

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GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tips: This time around, Hoya sex columnist Colleen Leahey invites us to learn from experience. In "How To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Drunken Flirting," Leahey tells the story of "Ian" and "Emma," two Georgetown co-eds who only talk when they're wasted. As the semester goes on, the drunken flirting gets heated: “I just think you’re so beautiful," drunk Ian tells her one night. What exactly do you want from this whole thing? drunk Emma texted back. Weeks later, the hangover sets in: Drunk Ian's girlfriend wants to fight drunk Emma!

Life Lesson: When a dude with a girlfriend goes astray, there is always a woman to blame. "Emma walked home with tear-filled eyes. She went to bed upset, feeling like some kind of worthless tease. The next day, however, her sadness turned to anger. Since when had this whole situation even become a big deal? Nothing had happened. And how was it solely her fault? Albeit, she had crossed a line, actually recognizing their flirtation, whereas Ian had merely straddled it. Yet, once she realized how wrong her actions had been, she immediately backed off. So, why did she deserve such scrutiny an entire month later?"

Progressive Meter: Double standards are a bitch. 7.

Photo via the Library of Congress

The battle for ideological dominance in our nation’s capital’s collegiate sex columns continues. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of blaming girls for getting unexpected boners rubbed on their butts?

This week: How to get laid without anyone knowing you got laid; sympathy for Rihanna is running out; butt boners!

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: Georgetown Hoya sex columnist Colleen Leahey is officially the only person willing to admit that she appreciates the work of Chris Surette, the infamous Fairfield Mirror sex columnist who conceives of casual sex in these terms: "Not only is it a story for you and your boys, but others will soon realize what happened when they see your victim walking back to the dorms in her dress from last night, with a disgraceful look on her face as if she was robbed of her dignity."

Well, those words were such an influence on Leahey that they inspired her new column: "How to Survive the Dreaded Walk of Shame." (A servicey take on the matter!) "I’m sure [Surette] received countless emails ripping him apart for his chauvinistic comments," writes Leahey. "But the article was also a hoot because it is true."

Life Lesson: Remember: It's not the sex that's  shameful, it's people knowing that you had the sex. "If you truly desire to avoid the walk of shame, make him come home with you," writes Leahey. "Hooking up on your turf, rather than his, is optimal. You can avoid his teasing and snickering friends the next morning. You know your sheets have been cleaned in the past week; Lord knows the last time he threw his into the washing machine. And (sound the trumpet here), you avoid the walk of shame."

Progressive Meter: Hey, at least it's okay to hook up. But it's not a college dating column without some traditional gender roles thrown in for good measure. Boys are dirty! Four.

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HOWARD UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: The Howard University Hilltop doesn't publish a regular sex column, but its editorial staff regularly weighs in on "issues." This time around: "Yeah, He Was Wrong-–-But is Rihanna Trying to Play Us?," in which the Hilltop staff declares that Rihanna's recent 20/20 interview was "calculated and inauthentic." "Maybe it would have been different if she had used the situation and the publicity it received to do what she claimed she was doing with her '20/20' interview all along," they write—"before her album was set for release."

Life Lesson: Keep your private and professional lives separate, so that your history with domestic abuse is never misconstrued as an attempt to gain popularity points.

Progressive Meter: The story's lone commenter dismisses the opinion as "another femi-nazi editorial." Hmm. Really?

I, too, have expressed discomfort with the idea that Rihanna's "recovery" from her abusive relationship must arrive right on schedule—just as her new album drops. But I'm more interested in the public pressure that has required Rihanna's life as a pop star life and abuse victim to be perfectly in sync.

Rihanna's public image has been appropriated by so many fans, feminist commentators, and music executives since Chris Brown beat her up last February, I feel it's short-sighted to pin this awkward timing on Rihanna's own misstep. Instead, let's focus on the music industry's insistence upon exploiting her history of domestic violence to amp up her stardom—and the media's insistence upon exploiting Rihanna's stardom in order to discuss domestic violence. True feminazis know this is all about the structure. Good discussion, though! Seven.

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UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND

Sex Tips: Esti Frischling of the UMD Diamondback advises girls how to avoid getting unexpectedly rubbed by a man's genitals in College Park bar The Thirsty Turtle. This is what "The Turtle" feels like for a girl: "At real-people bars, it’s not socially acceptable to just go up to strange girls and start humping them from behind. At the Turtle there seems to be an unwritten rule that makes uninvited dry sex the new 'can I buy you a drink?' You don’t even get to see the guy’s face, but he gets to feel you up in public, and you get to feel his boner."

Life Lesson: "Boner-to-butt" is an emergency indeed, and should be treated as such. "Your friends can also be a valuable asset in the repelling process. You guys should each agree beforehand to be in charge of rescuing the others in the event of a boner-to-butt emergency." But in the end, it's your fault for whoring it up at the Thirsty Turtle. "You and your friends can also act as a team by collectively dressing less like sluts. If you guys are the only girls in the Turtle who aren’t wearing hankies as shirts and belts as skirts, you’re likely to get a lot less unwanted attention."

Progressive Meter: I love that Frischling is tackling the modern problem of butt boners! I don't love the assumption that butt boners are only a problem for the sluttiest of hos, however—or that the problem should be solved by girls buttoning up. Three.

Photo by Claire L. Evans, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

The battle for ideological dominance in our nation's capital's collegiate sex columns continues. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of romance born out of  aggressive homophobia?

This week: pro-life gay man worries that if he could have children, his pro-choice boyfriend might kill them; how to talk to a girl without being a creep; your boyfriend is cheating on you to avoid rumors he's on the down low.

AMERICAN UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: In this edition of the AU Eagle's triple-threat sex column, Buster Darkhole, Maxwell Hillcrest, and Amber Sparkles take on the issue of  . . . ideological rifts in on-campus relationships. How apropos!

The inspiration: A pro-life man writes in to ask if his crush on a pro-choice man is too immoral to pursue. "While he and I can’t have children, it’s more the idea that if we had children he would be OK with killing them," he writes. "Is this enough to kill a relationship?” I bet you weren't expecting Buster Darkhole's response: "let me just say that it is a relief to find another pro-life gay on this campus."

Life Lesson: The American University community contains at least two pro-life gay men.

Progressive Meter: Sorry, my brain just exploded attempting to accurately gauge the progressiveness of this situation. I think we'll split the odds and go for a 5.

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UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND

Sex Tips: The Diamondback's latest advice column schools undergrads on how to "start up a conversation without seeming creepy." Columnist Esti Frischling's suggestion: " The rule is this: Any guy can get any girl. . . .  If you approach this situation knowing without a doubt that you are going to get some serious ass, your actual chances improve drastically," she writes. "Seeing as you already know you’re going to get with this girl in the near future, you can certainly start to relax around her. Suddenly, imagining her naked in class changes from awkward and creepy to fun and clairvoyant. . . . Keep in mind: You are the man."

Life Lesson: She wants to fuck you.

Progressive Meter: Assuming that a strange woman wants to have sex with you whenever you like will inevitably lead to complications. As one commenter notes, it ain't the first time she's doled out this advice. So much for the "without seeming creepy" part. Zero.

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HOWARD UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: In this Howard University Hilltop opinion piece, Morgan Winbush attempts to get to the bottom of Howard's "dating double standard." She writes: "in a man’s world; you have to be on top of everything including your woman and your relationships. . . . Messing around with other women feed into the need for a man to feel as if he is needed. The more women who 'need' him the more he is solidified as a man possessing the qualities that are 'manly' and thusly proving himself to be the leader of the pack when it comes to female dependency. 'Is he gay?' 'Is he on the DL?' — the more female partners a man has the less likely these labels will be placed on him." But aggressively proving one's heterosexuality ain't just for men any more: "times have progressed and women want just as much ego rubbing as their counterparts."

Life Lesson: Your boyfriend is cheating on you so that nobody thinks he's gay. At least now you can get in on the homophobic fun, too.

Progressive Meter: Winbush makes a good-faith effort to encourage fellow students to embrace female promiscuity alongside the traditional male version. In the meantime, she raises the specter of the guy on the "down low" without even giving a positive shout-out to the campus LGBT contingent. Three.

Photo by Ollie Crafoord, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

The fight for ideological dominance of D.C.’s college sex column “movement” rages on. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of valiant male chivalry—only drunker? This week: G.W. student fucks Marine; UMD students are bitches, dicks, or pussies; American University issues a Very Special sex column. It must be sweeps week:

GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tips: In Layla's latest heterosexual female romp, G.W.'s resident sex columnist extols upon the virtues of fucking servicemen. She also floats a revised idea of traditional courtship: Men are still confined to the rules of chivalry, but everyone gets drunk and you can do it whenever you feel like it. "Leaning against the bar, I spotted Prince Charming, an incredibly sexy combination of chivalry and a hint of danger, walking down the stairs," she writes of a random Marine she spots while sitting alone, "double fisting" drinks at the bar. "Having stubbornly worn my three-inch heels, I literally stumbled into his arms and swooned at how valiantly and easily he caught me. In my opinion, there is nothing sexier than a man with an accent, especially if its southern and he happens to call me ma'am." They decide to get it on. "Prince Charming grinned and pulled out an umbrella, proving that even in the face of a certain hookup, chivalry is not dead."

Life Lesson: Layla insists there is "something scandalously orgasmic about making out with a marine in the middle of a bar to bad 80s music," proving that people are into some freaky shit. Side-note: Layla may needs to take some life lessons from the Buster Darkhole school of sex column euphemisms. Her target is called "Prince Charming." Her friend? "GI Jane."

Progressive Meter: I count six references to "Prince Charming," two to "chivalry," and one each to "swooned" and "valiantly." Layla's column describes a thoroughly modern tale—they meet at a bar and hook up—but the vocabulary is stuck in another century. Three.

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THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND:

Sex Tips: This time around in UMD senior Esti Frischling's regular advice column, she tackles the problem of a third-wheel friend who knows that one of the coupled-up friends is cheating on the other. Frischling's advice—don't snitch, but encourage them to break up, and if they don't, go ahead and fuck the one who's getting screwed over—isn't as memorable as the way she tells it:

- "You better not rat either way (bitch)."
- "I mean, he can’t possibly see her as marriage material if he’s having all this premarital sex with all the sluts, right?"
- "approach the guy and say something along the lines of (and feel free to quote me directly) 'Dude stop being such a dick — your girl is hot, lay off the adulterous pussy.'”
- "I say—and this is my final answer by the way—blow up his spot and f— his girl. Yeah."

Life Lesson: Apparently, bitches, sluts, dicks, and pussies are A-OK in the Diamondback. But in the end, all we get is a "f—."

Progressive Meter: While it's difficult to discern a political bent in decisions over snitching, I do find the emphasis on "marriage material," "premarital sex," and "sluts" a bit off-putting here. You're in college. Stop rating the validity of your relationships on whether or not you're planning to get hitched to the person you're currently doing. On the other hand, the advice that the advice-seeker "f— his girl"  seems to be applied with no concern as to whether the advice-seeker is male or female. Cool. Five.

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AMERICAN UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tips: This go-around, AU's trio of porn-named sex columnists—Amber Sparkles, Buster Darkhole, and Maxwell Hillcrest—have teamed up to deliver a Very Special sex column about personal responsibility. This conversation—how to avoid unwanted pregnancies, STIs, abuse, and disappointment—is important. But Sparkles, Darkhole, and Hillcrest may be biting off more than they can chew here. The column is a little bit about pleasure: "Many people enjoy sex without condoms—scratch that, nearly everyone enjoys the sensations of sex more without condoms." A little bit about shame: "it is your life. It is not the life of the girl who might yell 'slut' at you when you walk home from a fantastic evening." And a little bit about dying of AIDS: "imagine two boys at Apex going home together. They may have amazing sex, but if it is unprotected, the consequences can be fatal."

Life Lesson: Sex undertaken without "planning ahead" can lead to babies, disease, and unhappiness.

Progressive Meter: The column is titled "Planning ahead helps ease worries in bed," but the three-author treatment focuses entirely on sexual anxieties, and not on the peace of mind that can come with entering into sex fully prepared and ready to go. The intended take-away here—when you're having sex, you should be concerned with satisfying your personal needs and taking care of yourself, not conforming to societal expectations—is a fine one. Unfortunately, the message gets lost in a sea of downers about the possible outcomes of doin' it: campus shaming, misogyny, blood tests, abortion, and death. Four.

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

Eighteen-year-old Seth Rudnitsky, a freshman student at the University of Maryland, has been charged with first-degree burglary after allegedly entering a G.W. residence hall and attempting to sexually assault several sleeping women. That's according to the charging documents in the case, which allege that Rudnitsky initiated "unwanted physical contact" with the women, and entered one room with the "intent to commit a criminal act." The G.W. Hatchet reports that one of the women has secured a stay-away order against Rudnitsky.

Rudintsky's attorney, Mark Schamel, has got another theory: He was just being silly!

Schamel "declined to comment on the specific allegations from the female students who said Rudnitsky tried to initiate unwanted sexual conduct." But Schamel did comment on the featherbrained frivolity of the whole affair:

'This is not a sexual assault case. You have a really good kid who has never been in trouble his entire life," Schamel said. "It's your typical freshman 'I went out and had too much to drink and was being silly' kind of case."

Come on, you guys: It's college! Surely you must remember college, a time when it was perfectly typical to go out, get hammered, have your friend sign you into his dorm, troll the building for sleeping women, and then, according to a police report, twice attempt to stick your hands down some shorts. These were just typical freshman college shenanigans, not unlike sampling marijuana or poisoning a rival college's fountain with soap bubbles!

For the women who were assaulted, the "typical freshman experience" is a bit different: being awoken by unwanted groping from a strange man. But listen, ladies: That's fine if that's your college experience, as long as you don't make a big fucking deal about it. "This frankly shouldn't even be a criminal case," Schamel told the Hatchet. "I think it's being entirely blown out of proportion."

Photo by arvindgrover

Early this morning, George Washington University police apprehended a suspect who had been seen attempting to "touch several females while they were sleeping." According to a campus alert, a male student helped the suspect access campus dorm Thurston Hall at 19th and F Streets NW around 4:30 this morning. A security camera then recorded the male student "leaving the building alone soon after signing in his guest," leaving the suspect unaccompanied in the freshman dorm.

The incidents sound familiar to a series of sexual assaults that have hit the campuses of Georgetown and the University of Maryland in recent years. But unlike the Georgetown and UMD cases, in which suspects continued to terrorize the campus communities for years, GW's nighttime sexual assailant was immediately neutralized. The suspect was apprehended after several students living in Thurston hall "brought the male to the security desk at Thurston Hall" and police were notified. The suspect is currently in police custody.

The GW campus alert reminded students not to sign strange people into freshman dorms and then leave, so that they may touch sleeping women in your absence. "Students who violate the security protocols, such as the sign in procedure, may face serious consequences through the Office of Student Judicial Services, up to and including suspension or expulsion from the University," the alert read. "In this case, a student signed in a guest and left the building, and put the security of all of the other residents in the building in jeopardy. Students should not allow people they do not know to piggy-back in the building and students are required to follow the procedure of escorting any guest they bring or sign into their residence hall."

Photo by RyanGWU82

The University of Maryland women's soccer team has earned an interesting new sideline chant: "Do Her." The saying, promoted by Sophomore bio-engineering student Chris Dupuis (the guy in the face-paint), is also the name of the team's fan base. They made T-shirts.

"Do Her," Dupuis explains, is "a word that means that when they're going down the field, and you want them to do a move so they can get by the opponent, or make the opponent look silly or embarrassed, you just yell, 'Do Her!' and they'll go right by." Thankfully, Dupuis anticipated alternate interpretations of the term:

The back of the T-shirts reads, "'Do Her' is not a sexual reference, but rather a skilled move that enables progress down the filed of play." This guy is awesome.

Watch the UMD Diamondback's "Do Her" video coverage here:

[youtube:v=cXl5D6w43O8]

Before D.C.-area colleges welcome back their undergraduates from summer vacation, let's give the schools a little test of our own. Campus Pride's LGBT-Friendly Campus Climate Index rates four-year colleges and universities around the country based on their "LGBT-Friendly policies, programs and practices." The index surveys schools on eight subject areas (click through for survey questions): LGBT "Policy Inclusion," "Support & Institutional Commitment," "Student Life," "Academic Life," "Housing," "Campus Safety," "Counseling & Health," and "Recruitment and Retention Efforts." Campus Pride also administers a "Sexual Orientation Score" and a "Gender Identity/Expression Score" to isolate schools that are friendly to LGB issues but not to T issues, or vice-versa.

Since the index is based on a voluntary survey, not all local schools have submitted themselves for rating here—though 204 schools nationwide have. So keep in mind: even a low rating from Campus Pride shows more commitment to LGBT issues on campus than a school that's not rated at all. Local ratings (out of 5 possible points) are after the jump.

American University: 4.5
Sexual Orientation Score: 4.5
Gender Identity/Expression Score: 4.5

University of Maryland, College Park: 4.5
Sexual Orientation Score: 5
Gender Identity/Expression Score: 4

George Mason University: 4
Sexual Orientation Score: 5
Gender Identity/Expression Score: 4

George Washington University: 4
Sexual Orientation Score: 3.5
Gender Identity/Expression Score: 3.5

Virginia Tech: 3.5
Sexual Orientation Score: 4
Gender Identity/Expression Score: 2

University of Virginia: 3
Sexual Orientation Score: 4
Gender Identity/Expression Score: 2

Maryland Institute College Of Art (MICA): 2.5
Sexual Orientation Score: 4.5
Gender Identity/Expression Score: 2.5

Towson University: 2.5
Sexual Orientation Score: 2
Gender Identity/Expression Score: 1

Not rated: Georgetown University, Catholic University, and Howard University.

Photo by A Girl And Her Camera

Last week, the Maryland state legislature threatened to withdraw $424 million dollars in funding to the University of Maryland if its College Park campus proceeded with its plan to screen the satirical hard-core porn "Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge."

University officials nixed the screening, but allowed a campus student group to show portions of the film "in an educational context"—with ACLU reps speaking on free speech issues.

Now, Republican state senator Andrew P. Harris, who led the anti-porn charge, is moving to ensure that, in the future, hard-core pirate sex will be contextualized in an educational setting that will address more than simply his own ass-hattery:

Mr. Harris said Monday he plans to insert language in the state's capital budget that would require the university to come up with a plan that will address the health and social concerns that are attributed to pornography, in the event an adult film is ever showcased on campus again.

Photo by St3ve