This Week In Sexist History:

Good Ol’ Day: August 20, 1883

Dateline: Long Branch, NJ

1. Women must be pretty.

2. But they are born ugly, so we must make them pretty.

3. Women who go to the beach make this task very difficult for us.

4. And women who actually swim are nearly beyond help.

5. It is rather amusing, however, just how ugly swimming makes women!

6. Women who swim are so ugly, they don’t even want men to look at their ugly bodies! But we do look at them, and then detail their hideousness in the pages of the New York Times.

7. Well, at least they are still wealthy.

8. Though these ugly, oceanic women allow no one to see how profoundly uncomfortable they are, I know they are profoundly uncomfortable, because I understand women. Even the ugly ones.

9. If a woman is not pretty, then she does not enjoy herself. As is proper.

10. But perhaps the water will help to cure her extreme ugliness anyhow.

11. And remember, even Butterfaces could be hiding a sensual ankle in the surf.

12. [Obligatory rhapsodic account of historical beach leering].

13. [Obligatory rhapsodic account of modern beach leering].

14. Foreign women! They are kind of hot, but so ignorant of the customs of our modern American beach leering!

15. This one hot foreign actress wore the ugliest swimsuit one time.

16. She was a shitty actress, too.

17. Yes, I am using the term “dudes.” In 1883.

18. Girls can’t swim!

19. Well, at least they display their pearly white arms when they’re trying. Oh, did I mention that I am also a racist?

20. One reason for women to swim, of course, is to wear an outfit which mimics an animal’s yoke, in order to infer that she would make a good, obedient wife.

21. Have I not sufficiently compared women to animals? Women women zebras.

22. Now I am leering at children.

23. Aaaaand back to the racism.

24. Old women are disgusting and must be kept indoors.

25. I like watching girls fall down.

26. Middle-aged women are the most heinous, for they insist upon swimming, though their bodies are universally reviled.

27. Have I mentioned swimming is for men?

Sears is currently holding a contest encouraging mothers to share their worst recession stories in the  hopes of winning “a $2500 Mommy Makeover Package.”  The promotion is titled “Busted Moms.”

Sears explains:

Has the ECONOMY left you feeling BUSTED?

Being a mom isn’t easy. Being a mom right now is even harder. Sears is here to help you out with a cool contest, great deals and random acts of kindness.Being a mom right now is even harder. Sears is here to help you out with a cool contest, great deals and random acts of kindness.

Let’s see what urban dictionary has to say about being “busted“:

1. busted

A way to describe a very ugly female, who can barely be described as female. A “busted” female is not even considered for Mercy Sex simply because they are so ugly.

Yo Jamal, I saw you with your chick at the movies, she so busted she couldn’t even get a date with a convicted killer in jail for the past 50 years. Wanna go to KFC?

No. Just, no.

“It is outrageous to think that men can buy this, programme it and give it to their partners and then monitor them,” Berlin feminist leader Claudia Burghart said about the unfortunately designed lingerie. “It is nothing more than a chastity belt for insecure men.”

Also offensive to women are the disgusting maroon rose print, the trashy sheer bodice, the inexplicable white strings emanating from the vaginal area, and what appears to be a set of satin wings attached to the woman’s arms by elastic straps.

Brazilian designer Lucia Lorio defended her lingerie, describing it as a product for the “modern, techno-savvy woman” who has no taste. Lorio added that the collection “is a wink to women and a challenge to men because, even if she gives him the password to her GPS, she can always turn it off.” Women should note that they may also take off the lingerie, and never, ever put it on again.