* In the City Paper this week, Kim Chi Ha writes about the regulatory spotlight on Ziegfeld's/Secrets, the lone SW gay club to survive the construction of Nationals Park. Post-baseball, the D.C. government has kept a close eye on the strip joint:

The club’s regulatory troubles were exacerbated by an ABRA investigation in December, in which two investigators “observed five to six nude male performers, standing on individual pedestals, each performing a sexual act on themselves (masturbation),” in apparent violation of D.C. Code, according to an agency report, which includes a grainy photo of one performer touching himself. Patrons were also observed “rubbing and massaging the performers about the body (not the genital area) and the performers did the same to the patrons,” the report notes.

* In Maryland, Dana Beyer is running for office in the hopes of becoming the "first out transgender person to win election to a state legislature."

* Dear Prudence tackles sperm donation etiquette.

* Carmen Rios offers up "a big fuck you" to street harassers. That happens to be the phrase that I generally employ when harassed on the street. Similarly satisfying possible responses welcomed in the comments.

* Figleaf rejects the idea that"sufficient" progress has been made toward gender equality: "I happen to believe, correctly, that there’s been incredible progress, sure. But sufficient? . . . Just as something’s either legal or it’s not, you’re either equal or your not. And I think 'sufficiently' in this case means 'closer to my comfort level” rather than 'closer to equal.'”

* Sexist internal business: On Twitter, I now answer to @amandahess. "@" me!

Photo via Powerhouse Museum Collection.

Since the strangely explicit anti-pornography briefing "Porn Harms" hit Capitol Hill in June, commentators have been weighing in with alternate perspectives on the state of smut today. Their thoughts—from a defense of "the fuck me look" to nostalgia about a 1978 Penthouse, after the jump:

* GLAA Forum takes on the fervor over porn addiction: "why don't we explore the harm done by some people's addiction to snooping into their neighbors' entertainment choices and bossing them around?"

* A reader of Andrew Sullivan's writes: "The only thing [Gail Dines] convinced me of is that she's got shoddy methodology and her kids must spend an inordinate amount of time rolling their eyes."

* The Good Men Project surveys a couple dozen public figures for their thoughts on porn. Twitter owner Todd Dagres says: “If you have to ask whether porn is good or bad, then you already have the answer. The question is how bad?”

* Bay Windows rejects the feminist take on the "fuck me look":

Dines has more in common with Jerry Falwell than she does with Gloria Steinem. Take, for example, her views on what is termed the "Fuck Me Look" —the sultry come hither look adopted by models since models were first photographed, and which is used to sell almost anything—from cars to mouthwash— no matter how tenuous the product’s actual connection to anything sexual.

Said Dines at a Pornography and Pop Culture conference, "The problem with [the FML] is that males in our culture are socialized in a society in which they are bombarded with the 'Fuck Me’ look, where it offers visual entitlement to ownership of women’s bodies. And what is rape and sexual assault if not taking them up on that offer that she’s offering? The only trouble is that she’s not walking down the street, WE ARE."

Got that? It’s not just genital objectifying hard-core pornography that we need to worry about. It’s now sexy looks that will also bring down civilization as we know it.

* Lifechurch.tv is also leading an online crusade against smut.

* Rod Dreher thinks of the children: "I fear for them all, especially my daughter, trying to find a suitable marriage partner in a world in which so many of their peers will have grown up with widely-available pornography."

* But Time's Joel Stein [via the Good Men Project] says boys will be boys: "What is going on to create such an accelerating and insatiable appetite for porn among men in our country? You clearly have no idea how much of 1985-1989 I spent looking at the same three 1978 Penthouses."

Last month, Washington Examiner gossip columnists Tara Palmeri and Nikki Schwab drafted a hot little item about Miss D.C. 2009 Jen Corey "kicking some tail at the local bars." Corey, the gossips reported, recently physically defended herself after being repeatedly "spanked," "touched," "pushed," "slapped," and "sexually harassed" by men in public. Corey's got a different word for what those men are doing— "sexual assault"—and she wishes the Examiner would use it.

The terminology dispute arose today, when Palmeri and Schwab attempted to get some additional mileage out of Corey's history of being publicly sexually assaulted. The gossip duo asked newly-crowned Miss D.C. 2010 Stephanie Williams if she would also "slam a man" while out at the bars, and reported that "Williams, 23, told Yeas and Nays that she respects all of the controversial decisions of her predecessor Jen Corey, including that bar fight last month."

Corey took to Twitter to contest the Examiner's characterization of the "bar fight," which suggests that Corey was the aggressor—not her sexual assailants.

"Still pissed @washexaminer for not getting the story right. My controversial decision to fight? You mean defend myself when attacked?" she wrote, adding: "Apparently @tarapalmeri is the only reporter in dc who doesn't understand the term 'sexual assault' #stillcantgetitright."

Palmeri also jumped on Twitter to defend her work. Her excuse? She didn't actually write that story—she just slapped her byline on an intern's reporting. And if Palmeri attached her name to a story that happens to downplay the seriousness of sexual assault? Well, that's hilarious!:

Corey's response:

UPDATE: Examiner moves on to victim-blaming to defend its journalism.

None of our imaginary professors' names will ever beat the inherent manliness of real Male Studies scholar Lionel Tiger, but we can dream. Oh, can we dream. A selection of uber-masculine names submitted via Twitter hashtag #malestudiesprofessors so far:

Prof. Mann S. Plainer, Linguistics

Prof. Guy Chauvin, Bromance Languages

Dr. Big McLargeHuge, author of the bestselling " The Overcompensation Myth"

Uhgard De Rectum, Self-Defense

Tallywacker P. Smegmadorian, Asst. Professor of Hygiene

Dr. X. Boddyspray, Chemistry

Professor Slapass B. Tweenguyz, Dept. of Homosocial Bonding

Lapdance Feelcopper, Head of Security

Prof. Haught Bol O'Dicks, Culinary Arts

John Q. Buttslap, Athletic Director

Professor Ev Syke, Chair of Naturally Endowe

Beefwhiskey Quarterback, Ph.D.

Professor Grilling Q. Fetchmebeer

Join us.

This year on the Sexist, the pageviews accumulated like so many cats draped across my spinstery blogger frame. I'd like to take a minute to thank you all for clicking and commenting, even those of you who accidentally stumbled onto this blog while searching for porn. Especially you guys.

Below are the 10 most popular blog posts of the past year, with commentary on everything from semen facials to sexy librarians to nipple slips to Sarah Palin. Damnit! You all were just looking for porn!

10. Semen Facials Are Like Weddings, in which the degradation of porn can be ignored in the bedroom (as long as we can address it on the blogs):

Facials are like weddings. We all know that the institution of marriage is one of the patriarchy’s all-time greatest hits, in which women are sold into sexual slavery from father to husband in exchange for livestock. And yet, who derives the greatest joy from weddings? Women! It’s the craziest thing. But even though we all know that weddings were clearly institutionalized to facilitate the willing subjugation of women, feminists figure out a way to do it anyway. Why? Probably because even though we all know it’s sexist as fuck, weddings—like facial ejaculation—still make some people happy. And feminists deserve to be happy, too. But that doesn’t mean we should forget about the sexist tropes that sometimes inform our happiness (and our sex lives).

9. Library Conference Secret Twitter Proves Librarians Sexy, Stern, in which some librarians wish to silence the sexual overtures of other librarians:

Some librarians are exhausted by the conference’s material (”I have reached the point of the conference where I no longer give a damn about anything anyone is saying any more.”) Others are inspired by a perceived lack of cultural acceptance for a librarian’s sex life (”I am an adult. I am a librarian. I enjoy good sex. Including at this conference. What is the problem?”). Most of them, for whatever reason, are talking about fucking—that’s the “sexy” part. Not everyone is happy about it. That’s where “stern” comes in.

8. Huffington Post: Liberal Politics, Sexist Entertainment, in which nipple slips emerge as a liberal mainstay:

The problem is that people really do care about nipples. They care so much about nipples that the Huffington Post devotes pages and pages of photographs to them when women accidentally (or, you know, against their will) reveal them to the public. In that way, there’s no difference between the religious conservative who is scandalized by a bare breast popping up in the middle of his football game and a liberal Web site which devotes its resources to naked chicks. A woman’s body part is a priority. Real women’s issues, not so much.

7. The Onion's Best and Worst Rape Jokes, in which the hilarity of rape jokes is all about the target:

I’ve written a lot recently on who can successfully tell a rape joke and what targets are fair game for the butts of those jokes. One perennial source of rape humor, the Onion, gets the rape joke dynamic right a lot of the time. The format has a lot to do it: as America’s leading source of fake news, the Onion is always skewering the media along with its make-believe subjects, and media treatment of sexual violence is often ripe for satire.

6. The Rapiest Quotes From "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell", in which Tucker Max's jokes rely on almost (but not quite!) rape:

[youtube:v=-qpHzm5Z-eQ]

Max’s stories succeed on orchestrating sexual conquests that are increasingly outrageous, drunk, dubiously legal, painful, objectifying, and embarrassing to his sex partners. In order to continue to one-up himself, Max intentionally pushes the line of consent—getting drunker, getting her drunker, leaving his sex partners to fend for themselves—naked—on the street, hiding his friend with an undisclosed video camera in his closet while they’re doing it. It’s not hard to think of the ultimate scenario these increasingly absurd sexcapades are inching toward—it’s, like, rape, dude. And now—thanks to Max’s movie tour—undergrads everywhere can compete to have the consensual sex that’s most like rape without actually being a prosecutable offense. Sure, some dudes might fail and actually rape chicks. Oh well!

I'm told that "SARAH MCLACHLAN CAN DANCE CIRLCES AROUNF YOUR UGLY ASS" is Kabbalah for "You have hereby failed to keep it sufficiently real." I'm also pretty sure that "ANOOYING PIECE OF SHIT" is Canadian for "annoying piece of shit." Kabbalah.

The comment inspired me to Google investigate Sararh McLachlan's ties to Kabbalah, which, if they exist, appear to be secretive and underground. Publicly, McLachlan is still considered a "Catholic-influenced environmentalist feminist animal rights activist human rights activist humanist," of course. BONUS Sarah McLachlan Jesus video:

[youtube:v=ZgPuqHd1hAE]

SUPER BONUS shameless plug: Follow this ANOOYING PIECE OF SHIT on Twitter!

10. Barbara knocks out the personal and the professional in under 140 characters.

9. I love how Barbara calls what she does "making news."

8.  So . . . what are you doing? Yeah, me too.

7. This is more like it:

6. Ow!

5. Happy, but . . .

4. Hehe!

3. Which is cuter: Barbara Walters' honesty, or her spelling? Trick question: The periods in the middle of a sentence are the cutest!

2. I'm sure "touching" doesn't mean what I initially thought it meant here.

1. Why waste a Tweet on one thought alone?

Hat tip: I started following Walters on Twitter after being introduced to her 140-character insights through Tracie Egan's Tweet Beat.You can follow Tracie on Twitter here.

Like many people, I harbor a modest fascination with Mad Men's Don Draper and his charmingly misogynistic web of lies. I wonder what Don Draper would tweet about, if he lived in 2009?

Super boring shit, apparently! Oh yeah: And Don Draper would never be pathetic enough to stoop to social networking. This guy, however, looks like a Don Draper worth following:

How are only 37 people into this?

Those sexy librarians who are tweeting their way through the American Library Association conference aren't content with burying their innermost secrets into the social networking ether. Now, some conference attendees are preserving their stereotype-busting contributions to the nerd-sexuality canon in the slightly more permanent form of online document-sharing. Can sexy secret powerpoint presentations be far behind?

If you'll recall, this year's ALA attendees began airing their "secrets"—nerd-crushes, wi-fi frustrations, and sexual exploits—on Twitter via @alasecrets. It wasn't long before the book-nerd confessional was shut down—-likely by one of their own. The Twitter account has since been reborn in the form of @ALASecrets2009, a den of impropriety even more sexually explicit than the first. Before the fall, however, the sex-starved librarians and stern conference brown-nosers Tweeted their secrets as one.

One ALA secrets completist has thwarted those who would silence the librarian secrets, preserving all the previous account's Tweets in an online document for all to peruse. It's titled "TRANSCRIPTS FROM @ALASECRETS 2009 BEFORE BEING SHUT DOWN BY A TIGHTASS KILLJOY," and it's probably much more interesting than whatever cataloguing powerpoint they're all pretending to appreciate right now. So let's check out the sexiest, sternest, and downright creepiest tweets to come out of the first half of the American Library Association conference!

THE SEXY:

5. "not discrete enuf. We had to go to Starbucks restroom for quickie. Missed start of next session :( ALA get it sorted."

4. "Using Web 2.0 tools to build community, even if it is a community of hung-over sex-crazed librarians, McCormick W-177"

3. "Last night kinda hazy. Very tired, not focused this morning. Kinda sore down *there*. Need more coffee. Poss. meds later."

2. "you don't like the way you're being presented then go set up an account for @sanctimoniousgetoveryourself"

1. "Who you calling 'middle aged'? I'm sixty-six."

—

THE STERN:

5. "Librarians need to learn how to silence cell phone ringers. And don't answer your calls during a session!"

4. "Are they still playing Neil Diamond on the shuttle?"

3. "conference hookups are never worth it. don't be stupid."

2. "other people's one-night stand stories are just as exciting as other people's drug stories, i.e., NOT VERY"

1. "This twitter account is disgusting. It's just a sewer of depravity. Is this the image librarians wish to proect to the world?"

—

THE CREEPY:

"Not only big but have never cum that hard b4. Bet there won't be a box for that on the #ala2009
evaluation form ;-) Thanx; u know who u r."

—

THE PROBABLY LYING:

"Hope she was on the pill last night. She was hot. I never got her name. I'll never drink again. Shitting myself with worry."

Photo by gruntzooki

When the American Library Association's annual conference kicked off in Chicago last Thursday, some attendees wanted the world to know that librarian get-togethers aren't all about shushing and stacking: There's a lot of fucking, too.

The nearly week-long librarian meet-up, which began July 9, delivers "over 300 educational programs" to professional bibliophiles each year—including workshops like "Collection Development: Decision Making With Data" and "When Is Nice Too Nice? Strategies For Disengaging From the Talkative Patron." Some attendees, however, haven't been entirely satisfied with the ALA programming. So they launched a "secret" Twitter account for librarians to share more intriguing professional insights. A typical anonymous ALA tweet:

Some librarians are exhausted by the conference's material ("I have reached the point of the conference where I no longer give a damn about anything anyone is saying any more.") Others are inspired by a perceived lack of cultural acceptance for a librarian's sex life ("I am an adult. I am a librarian. I enjoy good sex. Including at this conference. What is the problem?"). Most of them, for whatever reason, are talking about fucking—that's the "sexy" part. Not everyone is happy about it. That's where "stern" comes in.

According to the librarian-blogger at not all bits, ALA's first anonymous Twitter free-for-all, @alasecrets, was accessible via a username and password circulated among conference-goers. Less than two days into the festivities, however, the account was shut down by a fellow librarian. Writes not all bits:

Well, it saddens me that a member of the library profession took exception to @alasecrets and shut it down by logging in and changing the password. They protected the updates thereafter so, supposedly, people couldn’t see them.

You’re going to have to pardon my language here but FUCK that. I despise censorship in any form and I especially loathe the idea that a librarian shut down that Twitter account. So I did something about it.

The sexy librarian gossip site has now been re-born in the form of @ALASecrets2009—and re-illustrated with an icon of a Naughty Librarian Halloween costume (pictured). Conference attendees can now only post to the new feed by e-mail, meaning that fun-hating librarians can't tinker with the account details to quiet the masses. For the less horny librarian, the #ala2009 hash tag still offers up plenty of non-sexual ALA chat fare.

The first go-around of librarian fucking Tweets has now been "protected" from the public. Below, the ten sexiest nerd tweets from the feed's second incarnation:

TEN:

NINE:

EIGHT:

SEVEN:

SIX:

FIVE—THREE:

TWO:

ONE:

UPDATE: The American Library Association annual conference will be held in Washington, D.C. next year. Yesss.

UPDATE 2: Some sexy preservationists have uncovered the lost secret tweets!

Speaking of creepy things to do: Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson, and Reese Witherspoon are reportedly filming in Adams Morgan today until 1:30. I don't have time to go stalk Paul Rudd, so instead I'm stalking people stalking Paul Rudd on twitter. And repeatedly watching this Paul Rudd dancing compilation (above).

The top ten creepiest Paul Rudd in D.C. tweets—including one from a CP staffer—after the jump!

10. Can't argue with this one:

adefran Wow, Paul Rudd's dreamy.

9. At least she didn't pee ON him:

theresamac Holy crap. I was just 5 feet from Paul Rudd. We smiled at each other. Then I had to keep walking, lest he see me pee my pants.

8. The CP Tweet!

cernest: I wonder if I'll be able to see Paul Rudd from my office window: http://tinyurl.com/ljqdha

7. "Mark my words" is never creepy!

MereDitty Paul Rudd/Reese/Owen Wilson were filming yesterday 3 blocks from my office and I missed them! I will see them by summers end, mark my words

6. Just "considering" at this point:

necsortenecfato Film crew on Columbia. Word on the street Paul Rudd is in the movie. Considering my stalking options.

5. What's creepier than kissing Paul Rudd until he calls the cops?

XrisThomas @theresamac i would have kissed paul rudd had i saw him. on the lips. until he called the cops.

4. . . . referring to kissing as "putting my mouth on his mouth"

CMCrawley @necsortenecfato Let me know if you need some company stalking Paul Rudd. I want to put my mouth on his mouth.

3. Paul Rudd, a PERSON?

ejhonsa Saw Paul Rudd today on the street by Archives. It was like running into a classmate whose name you've forgotten. He looked like a person.

2. Ah, yes: It's the famous and successful actor who is truly "terribly alone":

molluskbrigade Paul Rudd passed by me on the street. He looked at me. He looked terribly alone. This is something that happened to me.

1. And the creepiest Paul Rudd tweet goes to:

rileykim Paul Rudd.. Paul Rudd.. Paul Rudd.. Paul Rudd.. Paul Rudd.. Paul Rudd.. Paul Rudd.. Paul Rudd.. Paul Rudd.. Paul Rudd.. Paul Rudd..

On Twitter. "Oh, Karl Rove follows everybody," you might say. "Meghan McCain notably declared Rove creepy for following her."

To which I might reply, were this conversation real: "That is just not true! An impressive 44,891 Twitterers follow Rove. He only follows 42,473. Plus, Meghan McCain doesn't even follow Karl Rove, though he follows her, making my margin of victory that much more impressive!"

"Yes!" I would continue. "I am among the 94.6 percent worthy of basking in the Glory of Rove's decidedly creepy user photo (above)! I have so much to @KarlRove!"

I would then take leave of you to gloriously sign in to my Twitter account and actually @KarlRove, only to find that the words would not come—I really have nothing to say to that guy. I would be redeemed, however, by discovering a new treasure: the @KarlRove Twitter feed. It's like being inside his head!

Twilight's Kristin Stewart! (Kbitch): Twitter error message: "That page doesn't exist!"

Singer/Actress Brooke Hogan! (BrookeHogan): "@Bradshaw27 That's terrible..You can borrow one of mine if you need to"

Singer/Actress Vanessa Hudgens! (VanessaHudgens): "Wish I could re-live the Grammy parties" (The previous tweet is even better: "just bought a juicer online. the name of the game is enzymes who knew")

Unemployed Mischa Barton! (MischaBarton) "@aplusk happy birthday!"

Celebrity relative/hanger on Solange Knowles! (solangeknowles): "@tcherryx can u call me asap!"

One Tree Hill's Sophia Bush (SophiaBush): Twitter error message: "This person has protected their updates."

American Idol alum Taylor Swift (taylorswift13): "Chicago."

O.C. alum Rachel Bilston (rachel_bilson): "thank you to all my followers! Sorry I haven't been updating more!"

Porn Star / hipster icon-in-training Sasha Grey! (sashagrey): "Woooow the cancer didn't get her but the peanuts did, that was/is so fucked up to hear."

Tomorrow, I'll be blogging live from spots around the city on City Paper's homepage. I'll also be twittering every step of the way. Join the Washington City Paper's twitter feed—updated live on our website—by tweeting to #dcvotes. See you tomorrow!

Photo by Perla*

8:58 PM ... The Washington Time has a slight edge by having a reporter live-blog from the actual debate, while Wonkette, in a stunning maverick move, looks to have decided on a squirrel theme. Good move.

9:02 PM ... Silence on stage, but chatter in the blogosphere! An aimeefausser, practicing something called "twittering" (as far as I can tell, some sort of rustic artisan craft), chimes in with this analysis: "hahah john mccain looks like he wants to kick obama in the balls." Thank you Internets.

9:05 PM ... Ken Layne takes over at Wonkette: starts off with, " It was super nice of McCain to loan Chris Matthews one of his old gay sweaters." Zzzzzing!

9:06 PM ... Curl, meanwhile, has the inside-the-debate scoop on Schieffer: "He just coughed, drank water, coughed again." Bob Schieffer: A human!

9:09 PM ... McCain and Obama get deep into tax policy. nightstand, meanwhile, asks, "Has McCain EVER been in the sun?" He's from Arizona, dick head.

9:11 PM ... "Joe the Plumber" ... a bit of a step-up from "Joe Six Pack." missouri_gal on twitter posits, "McCain is on crack."

9:12 PM ... Wonkette says, "Oh lord. Gibberish already, stumbling, talking to the camera, “What you want to do?” Huh?" Huh? What is this live-blog thing? Debate what?

9:13 PM ... Washington Times continues with the insider details. "Both nominees in dark suits; Obama with a red tie, McCain, blue. (Shouldn't they be switched?) Flag pin on Obama; none on McCain." Meanwhile, Wonkette notes, “Ordinary families” and the squiggly rises!" Listen closely, children: this man speaketh the language of the twitter.

9:16 PM ... Over on twitter, misteng calls Obama on his bullshit. "page by page line by line....fat chance obama would even open the budget let alone look at it." Yeah, fuck, can Obama even read? I've never seen it!

9:17 PM ... During the depression era? McCain is so old. Twitterer emptyonline, whose icon is a caveman missing his buck teeth, opines, "McCain must have dry eyes." The people have spoken.

9:19 PM ... Wonkette is stalled, Washington Times too. John McCain says he's not George Bush; willakammerer tweets, "McCain sounded like he was going to wrangle down the budget like a wild animal."

9:23 PM ... Oh Christ the live blogs are even worse than the debate. Do ya'll have these lie detector audience reaction male/female income meters on your teevee? I can't watch something without the rest of America immediately telling me what I think about it!

9:24 PM ... John McCain has scars! Scars! He stresses his leadership; Twitter says, malena2: "stop talking about scares McCain we get it your Old. get over your self, the Presidency doesnt off a Senior Citizen Discount,Scars dnt count." A 140 chrctr magician!

9:26 PM ... John Kennedy before the tragedy at Dallas? WTF? Why does John McCain always bring up every American tragedy as if he were intimately involved in it?

9:27 PM ... Talking about mudslinging, McCain says he's "hurt" to be associated with segregation. linkinchan splits hairs, saying, "segregation isn't the worst thing that's happened in this country... slavery, anyone? god, mccain... *sigh*... try again." Ugh, what? Thank god these are under 140 characters.

9:29 PM ... Washington Times is taking its sweet time with the live-blogging. It's almost as if they're just blogging! Ba bam!

9:30 PM ... McCain makes a sports metaphor! And with the Arizona Cardinals! Drink! Meanwhile, ActsofFaithblog (?????) calls the game: "This debate is now officially OVER. McCain you had the chance to be Presidential but you blew it." Thank G*d there are blogs for everything.

9:32 PM ... JOE THE PLUMBER AGAIN? Fuck. Joe the Plumber loses this debate. Didn't they remember any other "real American" story they picked up on NPR or something?

9:35 PM ... Hey Barack Obama, thanks for telling McCain to tell you all his mudslinging to your face because everyone watching this debate wants to bring those ridiculous negative ads into presidential talky time. Another hour of this?!

9:37 PM ... Hey, a Republican candidate dodger for once: On Twitter, Jessicawendt insists, "I personallly am a huge mccain supporter. I think everything he stands for is legit . If obama wins i am moving to canada." Later, dude.

9:38 PM ... Hey Bill Ayers, become a part of this campaign: get a twitter. XOXO, Current TV.

9:39 PM ... Facts are facts, but those are not the facts? Hug it out Mr. & Mrs. Fact.

9:40 PM ... Bam, Schieffer with the running mate question! Oh goody I just can't wait for McCain's answer! PS: "Scranton PA is my homeboy."

9:42 PM ... Obama shies from attacking Palin; ECByrd on the other hand says, "Obama should say, because my running mate isn't functionally retarded."

9:43 PM ... Palin, a role model for women you say! Your pandering conquers my weak feminine identity!

9:44 PM ... She understands special needs families? She would be a great teacher ... no, no nevermind. Nevermind, I didn't say that.

9:45 PM ... Obama, always classy. Says her capability is up to YOU, the twitterers of America! What say you, American voters? "portlandishone: McCain said Sarah brings the breasts!" Great.

9:46 PM ... Are you reading Wonkette, Senators? Ken Layne pwns u: "The voters of Ohio REALLY do not care for Sarah Palin. Not the women, anyhow. Broads hate this Palin character, good LORD. Are all the lady voters in Ohio suddenly dead or asleep or something? John McCain cannot even pronounce “breath of fresh air” correctly. “She understands that autism is on the rise.” Yes, that is a very important quality for a vice president to possess."

9:47 PM ... Washington Times' Joe Curl is the most earnest dude to hit the Internet! He is just straight quoting the candidates and adding context as if he were writing an article in a newspaper (or as the children refer to them, "encyclopedia.") Where's the snark, Curl? Snark it to me!

9:49 PM ... Obama and McCain talk oil, drilling, "climate change" (totally natural). But is Palin totally natural, gentlemen?! Twitter of the night: grahamchilla: " Find out what america thinks of Sarah Palin...vote at ispalinshaved.com." Fucking jerk.

9:50 PM ... Meanwhile, Wonkette pretty much sums up my thoughts on the debate: "Cockamaimie! Drink!" Yep.

9:51 PM ... McCain respects Obama's "eloquence." Did he get his debate notes from Joe Biden's gaffe book??

9:52 PM ... But what, you ask, does Fishbowl D.C. think of all this? Well I'll tell you: "Strong Obama response to Ayers, ACORN." Live-blogging conventional wisdom: How I thirst for it!

9:53 PM ... Is Joe Curl really the Washington Times' greatest blogger? Has the Washington Times ever heard of blogs? Is Joe Curl just reciting a letter to an olde-tyme lady secretary who is filing her typewritten pages into his air-pressurized Internet tubes?

9:56 PM ... Health care shmealth care. Wonkette says, "Barack Obama has never traveled south of our border, whereas John McCain is secretly Panamanian and had sex with some hot Brazilian model back in the 1930s!" Everything the Internet says is true. Live blog fact checkers make sure of it.

9:59 PM ... John McCain speaking about health care is subtly hillarious. Says alisonboring: "Listen I don't think there's any doubt that John McCain pees in a portable pee bag."

10 PM ... FUCCKKK Joe the Plumber needs to come up every half hour. Great. Will Joe the Plumber mysteriously enter the debate at the very end, as if to accelerate the plot of the porn film that is the electoral process?

10:02 PM .. Wonkette is on its third live-blog page. How many squirrel/old/gay/old gay squirrel jokes can one live blog made? Plenty.

10:03 PM ... I just ate a glob of raw cookie dough my friend accidentally dropped on the rug, which I am laying on as I stupidly watch a twitter feed of "real Americans." THIS IS THE LIFE OF A LIVE-BLOGGER.

10:05 PM ... Sick of the debate? I know I am! binkybink on twitter has got the afterparty: "McCain is d**cheb*g – I might just have to watch Kung-Fu Panda and tune it all out."

10:04 PM ... McCain calls Obama Senator Government? Is that the new super hero twitter name for President? I like it!

10:06 PM ... Best line of the night, Wonkette: "Obama says yes, because my plan excludes penalties on small businesses, such as professional cumming."

10:08 PM ... McCain will search the deepest jungles of South America to find the best judges in the "world" for "America's" Supreme Court. Also, RidaZehra thinks you're dumb and old, John McCain! "LOL why is McCain using a sharpie to take notes...oh yeah, he is 378 years old" At least he can write, unlike Barack Obama who may be unable to read.

10:09 PM ... Abortion, rahhh!!! McCain says he won't use a litmus test, while Barack Obama says he's looking for judicial record AND for Supreme Court judges that "understand what people are going through," a.k.a., people who agree with him on what he finds important. Fucking answer the abortion question though.

10:11 PM ... Courage and compassion on this decision? But you don't want it to be a decision! Oh god, don't bring up the Obama dead baby thing again. Barack Obama voted against keeping braindead dead babies alive after they're aborted. In other words, he is "a maverick."

10:12 PM ... Obama and McCain duke it out on the health of infants the mothers wanted to abort. justinmassa weighs in to say, "McCain has very, very old looking hands." Citizen journalism at its best.

10:15 PM ... Wonkette found Joe the Plumber's website! Wooooo, crash and burn it! Burn it!

10:17 PM ... College debt! Beer bongs don't come cheap, folks.

10:19 PM ... This is the last question? Schieffer lets them talky talk a lot, which is better at least, then those stoplight timers during the Town Hall.

10:20 PM ... Says Fishbowl D.C., clairvoyant wizard of the Republican base: "Think McCain's "Senator Government' was a silly goof? The GOP base is loving it."

10:22 PM ... The live-blog bubble has burst. Law school?

10:23 PM ... McCain gives a big 'ol shout out to INSIDER WASHINGTON D.C. with the charter schools! Way to go D.C. schools! Wait . . .

10:24 PM ... Did McCain just say, "children, precious children, children who have autism . . . Sarah Palin." ??? These are the issues we talk about in the "domestic" debate? Oh, sorry, didn't know America was so fucking boring.

10:25 PM ... Big diss to D.C.! Shoutout to Michelle Rhee! Thanks for giving us the Joe Plumber treatment, Governor Government. Thanks very much.

10:26 PM ... McCain scary laugh ENDS IT. Wonderful!

10:27 PM ... FINAL STATEMENTS: McCain is a reformer, he wants to focus on health care and education and the economy. In a surprise maverick move, McCain also announces candidacy for President of United States!

10:28 PM ... Aww. Despite "Country First," McCain's kind of crazy angry kooky cute, I guess. Pat pat!

10:30 PM ... Barack Obama's final statement: Why it would be an honor! Meanwhile, mikemimik asks, "What would Obama look like with a mustache? Kinda looks like he's got a 5 o'clock shadow going on."

10:31 PM ... Voting will make you feel big and strong? I'm convinced!

10:32 PM ... Oh, bring the ladies out. Come on. Now go on, shoo.

10:33 PM ... Wonkette brings out the cum again on McCain: "But My Friends, Joe the Cummer, Plumber, needs a new caulk gun for his cumming. And he can’t do that with the Obama Money Tax. Fuck all this shit. Bye." Over at Washington Times, Joe Curl is a bore. In other news, why am I watching this on FOX? And what happened to that cookie dough?

10:35 PM ... Bye :(

Refresh for more.

* Jezebel considers telling off Columbus Day.

* How did big tobacco make smoking acceptable for women? It got cozy with women's lib, writes Jennifer 8. Lee for the New York Times:

Recognizing that women were still riding high on the suffrage movement, [American Tobacco Company P.R. dude] Mr. Bernays used the equality angle as the basis for his new campaign. He convinced a number of genteel women, including his own secretary, to march in the 1929 Easter Day parade down Fifth Avenue and light up cigarettes in a defiant show of their liberation.

* Internet nerds plan nerd union with Twitter engagement. Nerds. [via Boing Boing].

* How long must you date IRL before txt breakups become uncouth? From This Recording, In Which You Autocomplete Me, by a Georgia Hardstark.

* The raddest 106-year-old Roman nun is voting for the first time since Eisenhower. Which whippersnapper does she support?

* A couple of breeders who cannot, themselves, breed tell homosexuals why same-sex marriage is unnatural: "Patricia and Wesley Galloway could not have children of their own. Yet for them, the essence of marriage is rooted in procreation," write Ray Rivera and Christine Stewart for the New York Times.

NYT covers this angle—opposing gay marriage for biology, not religion—as if it's a new trend, when homosexuals (women, non-gender conforming individuals, minorities of any kind) everywhere know this "nature" bullshit has always been used to perpetuate institutionalized discrimination even among the non-religious. It's just a hop and a skip from "it's just not how God made us" to "it's just not how nature intended." Laments Ms. Galloway, “Everyone who disagrees is automatically labeled a right-wing bigot.” Adds Mr. Galloway, “How can you be a bigot when you’re looking out for society as a whole?” Thanks, Mr. & Ms., for showing us two bigots who defy the odds to manage that just fine.

Oh, and let's add some misogyny in there for good measure: "Mr. Galloway, whose father died when he was 3, said being raised solely by women—his mother and his aunts—hindered his development and altered his sense of self-worth." Hi, mom!

* Donna Fish is tired of people telling her she can't be a little bit pregnant when she's had an embryo implanted invitro and she's waiting to see if it turns into a real live baby, because apparently people tell her she can't say she's a little bit pregnant or she wouldn't have written this blog post about the new trend of being a little bit pregnant. How about being a little bit baby crazy?:

For six years, my husband and I lost seven babies. Two of them in the sixth month, five in the first trimester. We tried everything. Doctors could offer us no further options, so we turned to adoption. One evening I threw caution to the wind and became pregnant. For reasons no doctor to this day can understand, my first daughter was born nine months later. My subsequent two pregnancies were also uneventful and lo and behold, we have our three daughters.

Attn. Mr. & Ms. Galloway: Some people are so into nature they only turn to adoption after losing their seventh baby, and the miracle of nature rewards them with three healthy pregnancies. Who really deserves to be married now?