Think boys are simply born into their masculine gender role? Consider, for a moment, how quickly the cultural norms of acceptable maleness can change. The past decade of masculine fads saw cultural expressions of manliness range from finely-groomed boy bands to shlumpy stoners to blowed-out "guidos." The versions of masculinity that gained popularity in the aughts saw an infusion of traditionally feminine traits—along with a heavy dose of hyper-masculine compensation. Seven of the decade's enduring expressions of masculinity, below (and revisit the Decade in Femininity here).

BOY BANDS

[youtube:v=Eo-KmOd3i7s]

Peak Year: 2000

Lou Pearlman is credited with single-handedly inventing the slickly marketed boyhood embodied by the late '90s "boy bands." In a brilliant move, Pearlman (now serving time for the giant Ponzi scheme he engineered to exploit the Boys) created not one but two wildly successful boy bands, *N SYNC and the Backstreet Boys. These groups were essentially the same product, but they nevertheless managed to inspire strong preferences among young consumers (*N SYNC vs. Backstreet became a longstanding source of debate in American middle schools). It could be argued that Pearlman's bands were more a reflection of late-'90s girldom than boydom; the slickly packaged, highly emotional masculinity adopted by the boy bands provided an inoffensive outlet for young female fantasy. But face it, boys: You were into it too.

Ambassadors: Justin Timberlake, Nick Carter

Uniform: Skin-tight mock turtlenecks, earrings, hair gel.

Activities: Choreographed dancing, emoting.

—

METROSEXUALS

[youtube:v=v9Xsjl7e5UM]

Peak Year: 2003

Metrosexuality reflected a conspicuous consumption of masculinity in a way that had previously been reserved for women. According to Mark Simpson, who is credited with coining the term, metrosexuality revealed a willingness to incorporate aspects of gay culture into heterosexual maleness. Metrosexuals, like gay men, were "decidedly single, definitely urban, dreadfully uncertain of their identity (hence the emphasis on pride and the susceptibility to the latest label) and socially emasculated. . . . gay men pioneered the business of accessorising–and combining–masculinity and desirability." Interestingly, metrosexuality began appropriating gay culture before mainstream America was entirely comfortable celebrating men who were actually gay. Straight guys were identifying as "metrosexual" well before Neil Patrick Harris and Lance Bass came out in 2006, and Dustin Lance Black gave his Oscar acceptance speech in 2009.

Ambassadors: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, David Beckham

Uniform: Designer.

Activities: Shopping, exercise bulemia, reading GQ.

In an interview on AskMen.com, Tucker Max clung to his dwindling relevance by blaming the failure of the movie I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell on other people, comparing himself favorably to Dane Cook, and touting the film's successes in Tempe, Ariz. Of course that's the last bastion of Tucker Max supporters. Tucker Max was made for Tempe!

Max on his Tempe celebrity:

We had a $10,000 or $15,000 per screen average in New York City. It did great! Then, like, Tempe, $10,000. Then we open it up in a place like Carbondale, and I’m like: "Why are you guys opening in Carbondale? Oh, it’s Southern Illinois — they like you.” They just don’t know the f*cking movies! They don’t get first-run movies, so of course it has, like, a $500 per screen average there and it looks like… F*ck, dude, it was so frustrating on so many levels. [sighs] That’s something I would’ve done different.

So, either the folks of Carbondale, Ill. don't understand "fucking movies," or they don't understand the fucking movies of Tucker Max. How could they? Max's subdued humor is fine-tuned to the delicate aesthetics of Tempe, Ariz., a town that (in addition to being my hometown), hosts Arizona State University. ASU, for the uninitiated, is the state's most prestigious center of higher beer bongs, and the school the Daily Show crowned the "The Harvard of Date Rape."

Coincidence? I think not. That leaves us only to tidy up the film's apparent success in New York City: Here's my theory.

Chris Brown appeared on the Wendy Williams Show on Friday, where he talked about his anger management classes, explained that his posture has been misconstrued by the media, and basked in the excessive fawning of Williams' female audience.

The whole interview was weird. Williams opens the segment by describing Brown in strangely passive language: "Our first guest has faced a firestorm of criticism for the past several months after a widely-publicized domestic violence incident which occurred with his former girlfriend, Rihanna." But the low point of the interview comes at segment's end, when William asks Brown if he's dating anyone. Brown responds, "Of course. I love women." And the crowd goes wild.

I hate "I love women."

Let's see what other illustrious male stars also "love women":

Tucker Max loves women:

I hate a lot of things, (stupid people and Duke basketball, for instance) but nowhere on that list is women. I LOVE women. Now, do I treat some women like shit? Yes, sometimes, but I treat EVERYONE like shit, not just women. Sexism is treating one sex differently from the other(s). I treat people as individuals.

Mel Gibson loves women:

I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.

Tom Cruise loves women:

Interviewer: You seem to have a real respect for women. What is it that you like so much about them?

Cruise: They smell good. [Laughs]. They look pretty. I love women. I do.

Silvio Berlusconi loves women:

"I think Italians recognise themselves in me. I am one of them. I was poor, I am interested in the things that interest them, I love football, I smile, I love others and, above all else, beautiful women," he said to loud applause.

Christopher Walken, as the eternally skeevy dude in the SNL sketch "The Continental," loves women:

You look so lovely. It is as though Michelangelo sculpted you by hand . . . then kept you for himself.. in a closet . . . to visit on lonely nights. Would you care for a glass of champagna? I knew you would. I knew you enjoy champagna. How do I know this? Because I love women. I can read their mail . . . I mean, mind!

Why is "I love women" the worst thing you could possibly say?

(a) It assumes that all women are the same. I'm a heterosexual woman with plenty of men in my life. I love my father, my brother, and my boyfriend. I do not love Tucker Max, Tom Cruise, or the skeevy guy in The Continental. How could this possibly be? Because I understand that even though my boyfriend and Tucker Max share a couple of pronouns, they have little else in common. Men who announce that they "love women" fail to recognize us as individuals.

(b) When you say "I love women," you really mean, "I love having sex with women."

(c) The phrase is almost always evoked defensively. Accused of calling a female police officer "sugartits"? Just say, "I love women." Convicted of beating up your girlfriend? "I love women." Accused of frequenting underage prostitutes? "I love women." Rumored to have brainwashed a beloved female star in order to make her into your Scientology baby factory? "I love women." This statement is the misogynist's answer to the racist's "I'm not racist but," and the homophobe's "some of my best friends are gay."

(d) Note the context. "I love women" is almost always prefaced or followed by some seriously sexist shit. You love women because they smell good? Great. What about women who don't smell good? Possibly the most annoying "I love women"-related commentary is the sentiment that "women are better than men" (See: Gibson). When Gloria Steinem said that “A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space," she was talking to all these skeezes, who hold women up to a high standard of fuckability, then degrade all the females who fail to live up to that standard.

The ads, which are running on Glenn Beck's delightfully incomprehensible Web site, refrain from denigrating women, Mexicans, and the disabled in order to ridicule the religious right. Now that's a deliberately offensive marketing campaign that I can get behind (still not into the movie, though). The ads, which pair nicely with Becks' series of incoherent ramblings, are after the jump.

In a promotional blitz for his film, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, Tucker Max has published a series of comedic "facts" to help publicize the IHTSBIH way of life. "Blind girls never see you coming," reads one insight; "The best thing about fat girls is heart disease," reads another. These "facts" have been deemed too offensive for ad space by at least one ad agency and the Chicago Transit Authority. But for every feminist spoilsport who finds Max's facts vile, there's a fan willing to defend the jokes as just plain hilarious.

I have one big problem with the "but it's just funny!" defense. If an appreciation for Max's "facts" requires only a sense of humor, and not latent misogyny, racism, or homophobia, why are his fans willing to listen to the exact same joke over and over and over again? It's the same fucking joke.

Today, I clicked refresh on Tucker Max's Web several dozen times in an effort to distill Max's comedy down to seven easy-to-learn formulas. Now, you too can become a brilliant college humorist with a true ear for real comedy! Just insert deaf-girl-joke here, aspiring Maxes!:

1. The "Disability / Body Type" joke (by far the most common).

* Formula: [ comment on a woman's disability / height / size] + [sexual pun / assault inference / expression of disgust (explicit)] x [expression of disgust (implied)].

Variation: "Blind"

#7 Blind girls never see you coming.

#13 Blind people hate electric cars.

#29 Bros Before Hos: Unless she’s blind.

Variation: "Deaf"

#6 Deaf girls never hear you coming.

#15 Deaf people hate the Verizon guy.

#25 Ever heard a deaf girl come? Neither has she.

Variation: "Midget"

# 1 Midgets have shallow vaginas.

#11 Midget jokes are beneath us.

#30 Bros Before Hos: Unless she’s a midget.

Variation: "Fat"

#3 Fat girls are not real people.

#19 The best thing about fat girls is heart disease.

—

2. The "Challenging Feminist Definitions" joke:

* Formula: [feminist trope] + [misogyny] + [denial].

#8 It’s not misogyny if you hate EVERYONE.

#22 Sexism isn’t the same as misogyny, you stupid bitch.

#27 Bitches are cunts.

—

3. The "Mexican" joke.

* Formula: ["Mexicans"] + [are / are not] + [something in Spanish].

#2 Drunk Mexicans are not your “amigos."

—

4. "Women are Sluts (Also, Homeless People)" jokes.

* Formula: [ women / homeless people] + [are] + [sluts].

#10 There’s at least one slut in every bachelorette party.

#16 Every woman has her price.

#12 Strippers will not tolerate disrespect (HAHA, just kidding!)

#21 Whores fuck for money, sluts fuck for free.

#23 Girls Night Out = Bathroom BJ.

#20 Bums will fuck anything.

—

5. The "Gay" joke:

* Formula: [Thing] + [is] + [gay]

#24 Weddings are gay.

—
6. The "Violence Against Women" joke:

* Formula: [Universally recognized bad thing] + [surprise reversal] x ["edge"] x ["shock value"] = [Family Guy]

#4 Scott Peterson killed his pregnant wife. But not in a funny way.

—

7. The "Science" Joke

* Formula: [dismissal] + [thing girls like] + [hopefully conscious reversal of underlying scientific fact] = [actually kinda funny!]

#9 If it has sugar in it, it’s not a real shot.

This week, the top two search terms leading to the Sexist were as follows:

Have you ever seen your life's work stripped down to its very essence? Mine looks like penis, and a guy who pens humorous essays about vomit on his penis. Since I've written quite enough on the top search term this week, let's take penis and run with it, shall we? The week's best "penis" searches, after the jump.

First, I'd like to give a very special thank-you to the man with the 7 inch penis, who submitted multiple entries this week:

Seriously, dude, don't worry about it:

There was the classic penis search:

And queries for more expressive genital arrangements:

Insider tip: punctuation marks imply confidence:

My personal favorites, though, were the three people who wanted to know what it looked like inside a penis inside a vagina:

Tucker Max's message board has launched a Photoshop competition for the best reimagined protest signs from the "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" protests. Creative Max devotees are working off images from the film tour's photostream in order to ridicule students from the NC State women's center, which staged a Raleigh protest of the film. Predictably, the submissions are sexist (above). Since this is a contest to ridicule people who care about rape, sexism is to be expected. So why are the submissions so racist?

You can view all of the submissions here. I agree with some of Max's defenders that "Tucker Max culture" encourages a hatred of pretty much everyone—not just women, fat women, or black people, but also white men who Max considers douchey. I don't agree, however, that it hates everyone equally.

Some of Max's fans have championed his committment to women's rights because he believes that "women should be able to make their own choices." Yes—Max believes that women should be allowed to choose just as much crazy drunken sex as he does. Except that when those women choose that path, they are publicly embarrassed, reduced to the size of their vaginas, and literally vomited upon for doing so, while Tucker Max is held up as a hero (albeit a hero who admits, jokingly or not, to hate himself).

But at least thin, white, able-bodied women are allowed that one choice: They can choose not to have sex, and be ignored; or they can choose to have as much sex as they want, and be labeled a "whore". As the Photoshop contest shows, fat women and black men and women aren't afforded that privilege among Max's fans: their size and race is reason enough to bring on the hate.

According to one employee from an ad network solicited by Tucker Max, everyone's favorite rape culture scholar has been shopping around some ads for "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" based on his fratty "fact" catchphrases. Sample Tucker Max "facts": "Sexism isn’t the same as misogyny, you stupid bitch," and "The best thing about fat girls is heart disease."

Apparently, some ad networks don't like "facts"! According to the employee, the firm rejected the above mock-up, deeming it too "offensive" and "ignorant" for general distribution. The employee says that each of Max's "facts" proved contrary to the network's terms of service, as the advertising firm dos not tolerate "garbage."

UPDATE: Max confirms that his "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" ads have been rejected by firms, and has this to say:

"Fuck them. I definitely had some agency pull some holier-than-thou trip a few weeks ago and I went elsewhere. I'm not paying them money so they can tell me what my ads are supposed to be like. Fuck them, and anyone who thinks they can tell me what to say or not say."

Last month, Tucker Max's cross-country movie premiere tour hit Raleigh, where students from the North Carolina State Women's Center were on hand to protest the screening. Max's people, predictably, had some anti-feminist fun with it, and posted the video online. In the video, Max sends out his minion to interview the protesters while masquerading as a gay Duke student writing a thesis on "the linguistics of rape culture." Of course, anyone actually interested in the linguistics of rape culture need only watch "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" to figure out what it sounds like. Basically, there are a lot of references to "cum dumpsters."

In the Raleigh Q & A, Max himself expounded upon the rape culture issue. "Fucking rape sucks, dude," Max said. "It's, like, not a joke, and I feel like [the protesters'] hearts are probably in the right place, to be honest. But I fell like they're fucking it up, man, because what they're doing is really kind of devaluing the seriousness of an actual crime. . . . Dude, I mean, the discussion about where consent lies and doesn't lie is an important one, and should be had, but this is not the fucking forum. And, uh, and that's never been an issue for me, so, I don't know man, I feel like if that's an issue to you, that's great, and you should pursue it, but pursue it with the people who it needs to be pursued with. And not with me."

Of course, "where consent lies and doesn't lie" is a consistent issue in Max's work. Max's stories succeed on orchestrating sexual conquests that are increasingly outrageous, drunk, dubiously legal, painful, objectifying, and embarrassing to his sex partners. In order to continue to one-up himself, Max intentionally pushes the line of consent—getting drunker, getting her drunker, leaving his sex partners to fend for themselves—naked—on the street, hiding his friend with an undisclosed video camera in his closet while they're doing it. It's not hard to think of the ultimate scenario these increasingly absurd sexcapades are inching toward—it's, like, rape, dude. And now—thanks to Max's movie tour—undergrads everywhere can compete to have the consensual sex that's most like rape without actually being a prosecutable offense. Sure, some dudes might fail and actually rape chicks. Oh well!

In the middle of Max's protest video, an actress from the film criticizes the protesters for failing to "read and watch any of the material!" She's right: Max's words are the best ammunition his protesters have, and it helps to get specific. So let's take a look at the rape-culturiest quotations from "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell." Shannon Johnson, the director of the NC State Women's center which staged the Raleigh protest, has collected some highlights of the film for future protesters to use in their arguments:

On women:
- “She may be a vacuous slut with no taste, but at least she’s not a stripper.”
- “I’d rather mainline Drano than listen to another minute of your whore prattle.”
- “Your gender is hardwired for whoredom.”
- “I don’t like her because she’s a negative fucking bitch, not because she has tits.”

- “Fat girls aren’t real people.”

- "Cum dumpsters."

On fun:

- “Ready to get shit-faced and grab some titty!?”

- “We can’t all go after the girl with low self-esteem.”

On what women are good for, beyond fucking:

- “I will gut you and grind you into pig fodder.”

- "Get away from me or I’m going to carve a fuck hole in your torso.”

- “I want to shoot every one of these bitches.”
- “The only way I can cut you deep is with a battle axe and a running start.”
- “Rape’s not funny, but murder can be.”

]]> http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/sexist/2009/09/11/the-rapiest-quotes-from-i-hope-they-serve-beer-in-hell/feed/ 127 http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/sexist/2009/09/10/spot-your-local-tucker-max-douchebag/ http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/sexist/2009/09/10/spot-your-local-tucker-max-douchebag/#comments Thu, 10 Sep 2009 17:35:42 +0000 Amanda Hess http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/sexist/?p=6357 [youtube:v=FXTmNApNrxM]

Tucker Max, professional sexist, swung through College Park, Md., and Washington, D.C., last month to help promote his new movie, "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell." Tucker Max events, you may be surprised to learn, can actually prove helpful to us feminists. Max has the power to gather all the local sexist douchebags into one convenient location for an evening, and that makes those people a lot easier to identify (and mock). But if you didn't have the heart to trudge out and ridicule the hordes of Tucker Max fans in person, it's not too late to get in on the fun. Max has graciously provided anecdotal and recorded evidence of the tour's douchiest attendees for us! See if you can spot any douches from your workplace, biology class, or overpriced Georgetown lounge:

[youtube:v=LVdOO_PnL6s]

Here's Max's video of the "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" premiere in College, Park, Md. It includes a douchebag who allows Max's video minion to shoot him in the face with a Nerf gun in the hopes of coming face-to-face with his douche idol. It also features a lady-douche who allows a gentleman-douche to spit his chewing tobacco into her mouth. She wins a beer bong. Over on the written side, Max informs us of one College Park douche who says he once had sex with a fat woman in order to finally seize the opportunity to tell a disposable sex partner to weave him a basket.

[youtube:v=i2y1oxAPQws]

Over at the Washington, D.C., premiere, Max's video minion ridicules both Vietnamese and African-American women, the former for being employed as a pedicurist, and the latter for having a name he finds funny. He also exposes several douchebags gathered outside the premier who can recite obscure details of Tucker Max's sexcapades, but are unable to name the second and third presidents of the United States. Max's douchey law-school buddies get in on the fun, but they ask Max not to repeat any of the shit they said, because they are douchey guys who went to law school. Also featured: An awkward night-vision shot of a theater full of douchebags writhing with glee when Tucker Max makes a joke about exterminating fat chicks, or whatever the fuck that guy does for a living.

UPDATE: Oh! Welcome, Tucker Max fans! While I'm not scraping the sand out of my vagina or feeding my cats, I'm composing more poorly-written articles about Tucker Max that you're sure to love. Clicky-clicky!

I'm debuting a new feature on The Sexist today—the  Misogynist of the Week. Who truly hates women and who's merely phoning it in? Let's take a spin on the Internet misogyny whirl-a-gig and crown ourselves a winner!

CANDIDATE: Roissy in D.C., "Keys to a Healthy Relationship"—manages to make "whey protein" even fucking lamer than it already is!

After you’ve shot your whey protein-boosted load across her chest, admire your handiwork for a bit, get up, grab a towel, and throw it in her face while saying 'You’d better clean yourself off, babe.' This is catnip to chicks. I don’t know why. Just run with it.

CANDIDATE: Tucker Max: "The Celebrity Tipping Point"—manages to offend both women and the disabled!

"shit man, I've fucked a midget, and amputee and a set of twins, raise your hand if you've ever done that!"

CANDIDATE: Linda Hirshman, "How Jezebel Hurts Feminism"—manages to incoherently label real, live rape victims as "symptoms," and also accuse these symptoms of being incoherent—incoherent symptoms of weakness, these women are.

Women can pretend they’re female chauvinist pigs, but it’s still women who are more sexually vulnerable to stronger men, due to the possibilities of physical abuse and pregnancy. These Jezebel writers are a symptom of the weaknesses in the model of perfect egalitarian sexual freedom; in fact, it’s the supposed concern with feminism that makes the site so problematic. How can Tracie, who posted this picture, criticize the men who go to Hooters? How can writers who justify not reporting rape criticize the military for not controlling…rape? It’s incoherent.

Do I have to choose? The winner, after the jump.

WINNER: Let's give it to Roissy. He's a local, and he offers this irresistible bonus misogyny at the end of his post: "Cum in her mouth and hold it closed until she swallows it. Also known as: Pair bonding." Yes, but how can you cum in her mouth and throw a towel at her face at the same time?

Photo by SantaRosa OLDSKOOL