Think of it this way: We all agree that pickpocketing constitutes "theft." A pickpocket doesn't get to come along and argue: "No, what I did isn't theft, it's merely pickpocketing, and therefore it isn't illegal." Any newspaper that played along with a pickpocket's demand to stop using the word "theft" would be taking the pickpocket's side, not occupying any middle ground. There is no middle ground here.

Remember that the next time the media calls intimate partner violence and sexual assault by any-other-name. When a publication calls rape "sex," it is not reserving judgment before trial. When it describes an accused assailant as "a loose cannon" and a "bad boy," it is not adding color. When it characterizes self-defense after sexual assault as a "bar fight," it is not being fair. It's taking sides.

As it turns out, I'm not the only one hoping that the widespread media coverage of date rape drugging will die down a bit. A fraternity on the University of Arizona campus has been accused of sabotaging 10,000 campus newspapers in order to cover up a small item in which a woman alleged having been drugged and possibly sexually assaulted at one of the frat's parties.

The copies of the Arizona Daily Wildcat containing the offending "Police Beat" item were apparently removed from their racks and strewn on the outskirts of campus shortly after publication on Oct. 8. The Daily Wildcat pinned the sabotage on the fraternity named in the piece, Phi Kappa Psi, after the Spanish homework of members Alex Cornell and Nick Kovaleski surfaced at the site of the discarded newspapers—a revelation the Phoenix New Times astutely notes mirrors a plot point from the 1998 film The Big Lebowski. The New Times phoned Phi Kappa Psi President Keith Peters "to find out if two 'pledges' were really dumb enough to steal 10,000 free newspapers and then leave their homework with the stolen stash." Peters declined to comment.

The student paper later received less hilarious evidence linking Phi Kappa Psi to the crime—e-mails from friends and relatives of fraternity members confirming that the theft was engineered "under the orders of fraternity leadership." Despite the paper's leads, the University of Arizona Police Department closed the case "without questioning any Phi Psi members."

Nevertheless, the prank has directed significant campus attention to the original item, a modest 250-word crime brief. It's clear that Phi Kappa Psi severely miscalculated their damage control over the drugging accusations. Even on a college campus, a straight item on an attempted date rape will hardly cause a stir. An item on a fraternity's elaborate—and absurdly botched—plan to keep that attempted date rape item hush-hush, on the other hand? People actually care about that.

But let's get back to the reason this 10,000 paper cover-up is so offensive in the first place: Apparently, the fraternity really, really, really didn't want people to know that its parties may feature date rape drugs. Below is the original crime report that Phi Kappa Psi was so afraid of getting out there. (Heads up for the future, boys: Newspapers are on the Internet these days). According to the alleged victim's testimony, she experienced symptoms of GHB after attending a Phi Kappa Psi party in September:

The woman claimed that on arrival, a fraternity member she knew gave her a drink. Later, an unidentified man gave her another drink. The woman told police she had assumed both drinks contained vodka, as they were both colorless. The woman reported that at approximately 11:30 p.m., she had begun feeling “overly flirtatious.” The woman also claimed to have experienced a loss of both hearing and bladder control. The woman told officers that her friend had walked her back to her residence at the Arizona-Sonora Residence Hall at approximately 1 a.m. on Sept. 27, at which point she vomited. The woman’s friends later told her that between the hours of 11:30 p.m. on Sept. 26 and 1 a.m. on Sept. 27, she had made out with three different men at the party. The next day, the woman looked up GHB online and believed she had experience its symptoms. She also told police that she had attempted to contact the fraternity president and had left several messages at the fraternity, but had received no replies. She told officers she was reporting the incident to document the event in the hopes of preventing any future sexual assaults.

Photo by kenlund, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

—the suspect was gender non-conforming! Police, flummoxed, described the thief as "A black man or woman, in his/her 20s, 6 [feet] tall, weighing 160 to 190 pounds. His/her long black hair was worn in thin braids and pulled back. The suspect was wearing a black and white, checked very short mini-dress with long sleeves and a wide belt at the waist. The shoes worn by the suspect were flat sandals."

On Aug. 10, 20-year-old Jonathan Bradley was arrested in D.C. during a "routine traffic stop," and charged with the theft. Bradley was, again, wearing women's clothing, though—ever the master illusionist!—his driver's license read "male." Here's Bradley in a police photo, after being picked up:

To hear Fox 5's Paul Wagner tell it, Bradley almost got away with the perfect crime—until some hot-shot lieutenant revealed Bradley's true identity as a man! Writes Wagner:

It turns out the person police say lifted a very expensive dress from Saks Fifth Avenue—a theft caught on tape– was a man dressed as a women, just as the lead detective suspected.

It was a disguise so convincing, it lead to a spirited debate amongst investigators in Montgomery County. In the end, 20-year-old Jonathan Bradley of the District has been charged with stealing a $2,400 Chanel dress from Saks in Chevy Chase on July 13, assaulting a security guard with pepper spray on the way out the door.

. . . "This man was dressing up to conceal his identity,” said Lt. Paul Starks of the Montgomery County Police, “and in this case he specifically resisted with force, using a chemical mace weapon to defeat the security guard trying to apprehend him at the time. We're glad to have him in custody."

Let's see here: Bradley allegedly dresses as a woman to steal a woman's dress, and is arrested weeks later . . . dressed as a woman.

My God—it's almost too easy! A man dresses as a woman in order to steal women's clothing, which he will undoubtedly employ as a disguise in a future heist . . . of . . . more women's clothing! Then, instead of returning to his mild-mannered male persona in order to duck the cops—ha ha! that would be too obvious!—he continues to dress in women's clothing, even fashioning his hair into ringlets and applying eyeshadow every day of his life in order to maintain the ruse! It's almost too easy. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for that pesky Lt. Paul Starks of the Montgomery County Police!

Or . . . maybe Bradley is transgender?

It's feast or famine over at the Gay Crime Log. The Sexist isn't sure what she did to anger the Gay Crime Gods, but for the past two weeks, her D.C. police crime report e-mails have been barren. Today, her inbox was blessed with a mammoth three weeks of anti-trans hate crimes, costly club hook-ups, and anti-Fred Phelps action.

DOUBLE MOTIVE. "On Sunday, March 15, 2009, at approximately 2 a.m., two adult male victims reported they were robbed at gunpoint by three suspects. During the robbery, one of the suspects referred to one of the victims using a homophobic epithet. The victims received minor injuries. The suspects were described as black males, in their early 20’s. Two of the suspects wore their hair in plaits."

YOU HAVE TO GO HOME, AND YOU CAN'T STAY HERE. "On Tuesday, March 17, 2009 at approximately 5 p.m., members of the Second District were dispatched to the area of Dupont Circle for a possible assault. Upon arrival, officers located an elderly male at the nearby bus stop. He was disoriented and possibly intoxicated. He was accompanied by another male, who advised he was attempting to get his friend home from the local bar. The two began to argue. The elderly male was transported home."

JAIL CELL PHONE. "On Wednesday, March 18, 2009, at approximately 11 p.m., members of the Fourth District were dispatched to the 7700 block of Georgia Avenue, N.W. for the call of an assault. Upon arrival, officers located the victim, a male-to-female Transgender individual, suffering minor injuries to her face and lip. According to the victim, she was in an argument with her former boyfriend, when he punched her a stole her cell phone."

THE COUPLE DETAINED TOGETHER ... "On Saturday, March 21, 2009 at approximately 10:30 p.m., members of the GLLU and Deaf and Hard of Hearing Unit (DHHU) responded to Gallaudet University for the report of a domestic assault. Investigation was unable to determine which individual was the initiator and/or aggressor and both males were arrested. Both received minor injuries."

HEAD CASE. On Sunday, March 22, 2009, at approximately 2:30 a.m., members of the Third District responded to Howard University Hospital for the report of a victim of a domestic assault. Upon arrival, offices located the adult male victim, who was suffering from a serious laceration to his head and possible concussion. According to the victim, he was assaulted by his boyfriend inside their shared residence near 4th and V Street, N.W.

CLUB CLUSTERFUCK. "On Sunday, March 22, 2009, at approximately 3 a.m., members of the First District were monitoring the closing of a club in the 1100 block of 8th Street, S.E., when they observed a large fight outside the club. Three adult males were arrested and all were treated for minor injuries."

IDLE THREAT. "On Tuesday, March 24, 2009, an attorney representing a local GLBT Rights organization contacted the GLLU to report possible hate/bias threats via the internet on an internet blog. A member of the GLLU and the Federal Bureau of Investigations responded to the organization and reviewed the postings with the attorney. It was determined no threats were made and the organization did not want to pursue any further action against the individual who posted the comments. Also at that meeting, the attorney made the GLLU aware of an employee at the organization being harassed via email by a known individual. Members of the GLLU will be investigating this complaint."

HOW ARE THREATS NOT "CRIMINAL ACTIVITY"? "On Thursday, March 26, 2009, at approximately 3 p.m., members of the Third District were dispatched to the Metro Station at 7th and S Streets, N.W. Upon arrival, the adult male caller advised officers he was threatened by several juveniles inside a nearby business and the caller believed he was going to be robbed. The caller also heard the juveniles using homophobic language outside the business. Although the juveniles were stopped and identified, it was determined no criminal activity occurred, so the incident was documented as a hate/bias related incident."

FUCKED AND ROBBED. "On Friday, March 27, 2009, at approximately 5:30 a.m., members of the Third District responded to a residence in the 600 block of Irving Street for a report of an armed burglary. According to the victim, an adult male, he met the suspect at a business located in the 3500 block of Georgia Avenue, N.W. and agreed to allow the suspect to return to his home to engage is sexual activity. When the two arrived at the victim’s residence, a dispute arose over payment and the victim demanded the suspect depart. The suspect returned to the residence, kicked in the door, and while armed with a knife, robbed the victim of U.S. currency. The suspect fled the scene prior to officer’s arrival. The victim was not injured. The suspect is described as a black male in his 30’s wearing all black clothing."

M I.S.O T. "On Friday, March 27, 2009, at approximately 4:30 p.m., a female caller paged the on-call member of the GLLU to complain about officers harassing a member of the Transgender community. According to the caller, officers had visited the Transgender individual’s home, which is located in the 5200 block of 3rd Street, N.W. on four occasions, in the attempt to locate the Transgender individual. According to the caller, the Transgender individual no longer resides at that address. This information was passed along to the Warrant Squad, as they were attempting to locate the individual pursuant to an arrest warrant."

SEX-NEGATIVE "On Saturday, March 28, 2009, at approximately 3:30 a.m., an adult male contacted the GLLU to report his ex-boyfriend was advertising as a male prostitute in Baltimore, MD, but not disclosing he is HIV positive. The information was forwarded to the Baltimore City Police Department’s Gay and Lesbian Liaison Officer for their investigation and follow-up."

GETTING SPECIFIC. "On Sunday, March 29, 2009, at about 8 p.m., an adult male victim responded to the Third District to report he had been the victim of a sexual assault. According to the victim, he met the suspect, an adult male, inside a bar in the 1500 block of 17th Street, N.W. After engaging in conversation, the victim and suspect walked to the victim’s apartment, which is located in the Logan Circle neighborhood. Once at the victim’s apartment, the two men engaged in consensual sexual activity, up to the point the victim refused to engage in specific sexual acts. The suspect then forced the victim to engage in the unwanted sex act. The victim was examined at a local hospital, but did not have serious injuries. This case is being investigated by members of the Metropolitan Police Department’s Sexual Assault Unit."

DISAPPEARING GUN. "On Monday, March 30, 2009, at approximately 2:30 a.m., members of the Sixth District responded to the call for a man with a gun in the area of 900 Division Ave, NE. Upon arriving on the scene, officers located the 9-1-1 caller, a male-to-female Transgender individual, who stated she was robbed by the suspect. No weapon was mentioned and the victim was not injured. The suspect, an adult male, was located and arrested. The case is being considered a potential hate/bias crime based upon the victim’s actual or perceived sexual orientation and/or gender identity, based upon comments made by the suspect at the time of the robbery."

BAD CONNECTION. "On Monday, March 30, 2009, at approximately 3 a.m., members of the Sixth District responded to an apartment in the 1700 block of Minnesota Avenue, N.E. for the report of threats. Upon arrival, the victim, a male-to-female Transgender individual, advised her boyfriend had threatened to kill her and pull the phone cord out of the wall when she attempted to call 9-1-1. The suspect was arrested later that day."

FUCK FRED PHELPS. "On Monday, March 30, 2009, members of the GLLU, working with members of the United States Secret Service Uniformed Division, United States Park Police and Metropolitan Police Department’s Intelligence Division, monitored a counter-protest of the Westboro Baptist Church. The demonstrators moved about the city, culminating their demonstration in the 1600 block of Pennsylvania Avenue, N.W. There were no incidents or arrests."

UNWANTED ADVERTISEMENT. "On Wednesday, April 1, 2009, at approximately 3 p.m., a citizen found a brochure on the windshield of her vehicle, which was parked in the 1800 block of Massachusetts Avenue, N.W. Handwritten on the brochure were homophobic, racist and anti-Semitic remarks."

DEEP LOVE. "On Thursday, April 2, 2009, at approximately 2:30 a.m., members of the Fourth District responded to the call for a stabbing inside a residence in the 5300 block of 8th Street, N.W. Upon arrival, the officers located the adult female victim suffering from a stab wound to her hands and arms. The victim was uncooperative and refused to provide officers with any information regarding who attacked her. A witness advised officers the victim was stabbed by her former girlfriend, but the witness did not know the suspect's identity. The victim refused medical attention."

POLICE ASSISTED BREAK-IN REQUESTED. "On Friday, April 3, 2009, at approximately 4:30 a.m., members of the Third District responded to a call for assistance at an apartment in the 1500 block of Ogden Street, N.W. Upon arrival, the officers were met by the caller, a male-to-female Transgender individual, who desired assistance getting back into her apartment. Further investigation revealed the caller did not live at that address and was heavily intoxicated. She was escorted from the building."

GUNS AND GROCERIES. "On Friday, April 3, 2009, at approximately 3 a.m., members of the Seventh District responded to a call for threats in the area of Good Hope Road, S.E. Once on the scene, officer located the victim, a juvenile male, who advised he was walking home from a nearby grocery store, when a male suspect began to call him homophobic names and threaten to shoot him. No weapon was displayed. Although the suspect had fled the scene prior to the officer's arrival, he was located later that night and arrested."

UNDERCOVER PROSTITUTE. "On Saturday, April 4, 2009, at approximately 3:30 a.m., a male contacted the GLLU's on-call member to report he had been the victim of a theft. According to the victim, who was visiting from New England and staying at a hotel in the 1500 block of New Hampshire Avenue, N.W., he met a black male online and invited him to his hotel room. Upon the departure of the guest, the victim realized he was missing a significant amount of U.S. currency from his wallet. The suspect is described as a black male, approximately 40 years old, 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, wearing blue jeans and a white sweatshirt."

Photo by k763

"The only concern we have is that the substitute costume is technically a dragon," Eli's father, Tomicah Tillemann, explains over the phone as the boy's mother travels by car to inspect a last-minute switcheroo offered up by a neighbor: The Pottery Barn Kids "Dragon Costume" (below).

But the anatomy of the dragon, as any 3-year-old can tell you, deviates from that of the Tyrannasarus Rex in one obvious way. "It has wings," laments Tillemann, who has already begun devising a plan for explaining away the extra appendages to a suspicious Eli. "If forced, we will explain that the wings are a result of an evolutionary process, but that it is still very much a dinosaur," he says.

Eli's parents have tried to keep the explanations to a minimum since they discovered the missing package, now four days overdue. "We have tried to keep it quiet as best we can. He certainly realizes that something is afoot, but he's not sure what," says Tillemann. Eli's parents are not so blissfully unaware. "Needless to say, the news hit his parents like a meteor strike at the end of the Cretaceous period," says Tillemann.

When they discovered the box missing, Eli's parents notified the Capitol Hill community Listserv of the theft and implored neighbors to help them restore their son to "Jurassic proportions." "Unfortunately, the city's retail establishments seem to have sold out of anything resembling dinosaur outfits, so we're relying on your collective assistance to save our would-be Tyrannosaurus from extinction," wrote Tillemann. But this was about more than just a dino costume, he informed the Listserv; this incident could very well shatter young Eli's entire "faith in the fundamental goodness of humankind."

Once summoned, Eli's Capitol Hill community sprung into action. Tillemann says he fielded a "half-dozen" replacement costumes from generous neighbors within a day of posting the notice; after a couple interviews–one with the aforementioned dragon, one with a frog—Tillemann decided on a costume that is "almost identical" to the original. "The only difference is some polka dots," says Tillemann.

The dino-thieves who sent the Tillemann family into a frantic search for the toothy disguise, however, are not forgiven. "We continue to view the theft of the original T-Rex outfit as a cold blooded, reptilian assault on all that is good in the world," Tillemann insists. "However, in the aftermath of this tragedy, we have also been amazed by the decency and goodness of our Capitol Hill neighbors."

Yesterday evening, Tillemann voiced his gratitude on the neighborhood Listserv. "[D]ue to the efforts of many noble neighbors, our little guy ended up with a magnificent T-Rex costume," Tillemann wrote. "Our son is delighted. His parents are relieved. And all of our faith in the fundamental goodness of humankind has been restored."