Listen up, teens: Guess what happens when you get teen pregnant, you’re not allowed to have a smushmortion, and you can’t figure out how to secretly swap your fetus into your mother’s aging but willing womb. Umm . . . you get rewarded with an eccentric celebrity handler and sexy undies shots in Vanity Fair? Oh ho no, honey, that’s what’s happens to the dude. What happens to you is you get to hold the dang thing throughout a couple of tortured appearances on a crazy middle-aged lady’s FOX News program, and then everyone makes fun of you for being a hypocrite because GOD, YOU WISH YOU HAD NEVER EVEN HAD SEX. And then you have to raise it.

Did I mention your babby’s daddy got to do Tyra?

In this edition of Sexist Beatdown: Why Sady of Tiger Beatdown and I think that’s kind of fucked up, actually? BONUS: what to expect next in the SARAH PALYN SNOMOBLOWJOB TODD PALYN BAREBACK LEVI JOHNSON porn saga of the Palin family story, after the jump.

Read More “Sexist Beatdown: Palin Family Anecdote or “Paylin” Porn Plot? Edition” »

It is a simple formula for both comedy and political commentary:

Take a public figure (Sarah Palin) who holds disagreeable views (abstinence-only education). Zero in on an aspect of her personal life counter to those views (her own teen daughter, Bristol Palin, becoming pregnant). Reveal the comedic irony and/or hypocrisy of the public/private contrast. Repeat ad nauseam on blogs, 24-hour news channels, and late night talk shows.

We should all beware this construction. Though very easy to pull off—and often journalistically and comedically sound—it is a trap. And it will render us all hypocrites. Three lessons from history, after the jump.

Read More “Sarah Palin And the “Hypocrisy” Trap” »

There are no words. [Via].

CAN SARAH PALIN SEE THIS WOMAN FROM HER HOUSE? Some are hailing this leggy blond Livejournal blogger as the future “Russian Sarah Palin” (or at the very least, the Russian Ann Coulter). She’s 24, hates immigrants, and has been photographed “drunk, wrapped in a Cuban flag” (right). An excerpt from her blog:

“Думаю, заметку про меня в Дейли Мейл нужно как-нибудь откомментить. Поскольку журналисты иногда стесняются спрашивать и предпочитают додумывать:)”

Incendiary!

Her name is Maria Sergeyeva. Know it.

Read More “Daily Palin: The Russian Sarah Palin Edition” »

TEEN SEX! TEEN SEX! Palin news today is overwhelmed by coverage of daughter Bristol Palin making breaking news by telling Greta Van Susteren that teens like to do it. MISSED IT?

MEDIA NOT TO BLAME, REPORTS MEDIA: Greg Mitchell, author of Why Obama Won, feels some need to defend “the media” against claims that it caused Sarah Palin’s downfall. I’d quote from it, but it’s all super boring.

OKAY: NOW BACK TO BRISTOL!

Read More “Daily Palin: Teens Doin’ It Edition” »

Margaret Talbot has a wonderful piece out in The New Yorker about the political and social divides between liberal and conservative conceptions of teen pregnancy. Writes Talbot:

Social liberals in the country’s “blue states” tend to support sex education and are not particularly troubled by the idea that many teen-agers have sex before marriage, but would regard a teen-age daughter’s pregnancy as devastating news. And the social conservatives in “red states” generally advocate abstinence-only education and denounce sex before marriage, but are relatively unruffled if a teen-ager becomes pregnant, as long as she doesn’t choose to have an abortion.

I think this speaks to one commonality between the two sets of parents: They get upset when their kids prove their own values wrong. For a blue-stater who supports pre-marital sex, a child becoming pregnant or contracting an S.T.D. shows that contraception methods are not infallible, and forces the parent to come to terms with what her kid is actually doing behind closed doors. For a red-stater who opposes contraception, a child becoming pregnant provides a less permanent reality check: once the pregnancy is aired, the parent can rationalize the situation back into their world-view by saying that her child is in love, engaged, and will raise her own baby as a gift from God. Blue-staters without God to look back on probably just have to bite the bullet.

Last month, reports of a 17-year-old Palin spawn’s unplanned pregnancy briefly satiated tabloid hunger for babies-having-babies coverage. The announcement redirected the evergreen “Pregnant Teen” story from Britney sis and new mom Jamie Lynn Spears, also 17, who gave birth to her first child in June. Now, tabs like the National Enquirer (probably more reliable than USA Today!) are again turning their exacting eyes on Spears. “Whoops—she did it again!” reports the Enquirer:

“Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant, and she and her mom Lynne are hysterical,” revealed a close source. “Neither of them knows what to do, but for now they’re trying to keep the news from getting out.”

“Too late,” sneers the Enquirer, after reporting that Spears’ “pals are begging her to abort.”

There’s something very strange about outing celebrity pregnancies (many gossip mags have their own “bump watch” to perpetuate the fetal rumormongering). But reporting on the reproductive activities of underage girls—those who are raised in the shadow of fame, and those who encounter it, suddenly, when their personal lives become political news—can be downright sinister.

Here’s why: Teen girls, for the most part, aren’t planning to become mothers. Those who do carry a pregnancy to term stand to sacrifice their childhoods, leave school, and abandon their career paths in order to become moms. That choice, of course, is a valid one. But by poaching these girls’ pregnancy stories before they’re able to even make that choice, the tabloid, blog, or mainstream paper that outs a girl’s pregnancy effectively eliminates her option to choose abortion. It’s a funny thing about conservative families, industries, and cultures—the abortion option looks a hell of a lot better when it’s done in secret, without neighbors, friends, or the entire media knowing about it. Once the pregnancy is revealed, though, you’ve got a baby, a marriage, and a hastily-worded press release on your hands.

The shame machine affects girls in pro-choice environments, too (like Godless, liberal Hollywood). No matter a girl’s situation, if a tabloid gets her pregnancy story out before she does, “pro-choice” politics bend to a more powerful force: PR. (Yeah, adoption’s probably off the table, too).

So here’s the rule on pregnant teen coverage, Enquirer. It’s only a story when she says it’s a baby. Hey, there’s an upside, tabloids: When you don’t shame a teen into having a baby, it’s a lot easier for you to continue to shame her for having the baby.

Photo by Pete Barr-Watson.