Razors.

I shave my legs, but I just picked up a new razor that may almost encourage me to unlearn that particular expression of femininity. The razor is called "Soleil Twilight," it's made by Bic, and it features a triple-blade and, as I discovered after I had already hit the check-out line, "lavender scented handles." Because, you see, men also use razors, which means that razors may be perceived as overly masculine, a misconception that can be cleared up with just a touch of feminine aroma making some skin contact with your hand area. The lavender business makes about as much sense as the name, which from my understanding literally means something like "Sun Growing Darkness." It removes hair.

Birth Control.

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Listen, there's nothing more naturally feminine than popping a birth control pill—so far, only women are allowed to perform this particular function. Still, contraception manufacturers have labored to market the medication in the most feminine way possible. Yaz, arguably the most feminized form of birth control, has claimed to alleviate moodiness, reduce bloating, clean up acne, and even help women lose weight in addition to, you know, stoppin' babies. Accordingly, Yaz commercials feature a bunch of Sex and the City types hanging out at a swanky lounge talking about how Yaz has cured their emotional problems, allowing them to continue to hang out at swanky lounges. In case a bunch of women talking frankly about PMS was getting a bit too masculine for you, the ad goes on to explain that Token Woman Who Knows Too Much About Birth Control knows so much because she is a medical doctor, an admission that causes her friends to laugh and dismiss her as a "show off." Tee-hee! Because any woman who could speak intelligently about what birth control actually does has got some 'splainin to do.

Tampons.

Last week, Heartless Doll's Andrea Grimes wrote a screed about frilly tampons, in which she admitted, "I've never been able to tell much of a difference between something like a Tampax Pearl and a Duane Reade Just Shove It Up There, It'll Be Fine." Grimes points to the frilliest tampon of them all, the Tampax Pearl, which features a string of ladylike pearls on its packaging in order to emphasize the product's enhanced feminine quality. What's pearly about this product, exactly? The applicator is made of fucking plastic instead of cardboard, and you can't get anything more girly than that.

Deodorant.

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Everyone knows that Secret is "strong enough for a man, but made for a woman." What I still can't wrap my head around is how this company can simultaneously market deodorant as a product through which femininity must be performed, while insisting that this performance be kept "Secret." As one branding expert explains, "That chant has made the Secret® deodorant brand spectacularly successful, especially with females 12-24, because it reaffirms gender identity to a particularly vulnerable, insecure audience. For a small investment, you get to go from girl to woman and feel good about it." Now women are expected to feminize our armpits for ourselves, because no one else will ever notice. Thanks Secret!

Yogurt.

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OK,  so yogurt isn't a specifically feminine product, but you wouldn't know that if you've ever seen any yogurt commercial ever. Take, for example, this Yoplait commercial, which manages to incorporate commentary on cute men, short men, bridesmaids dresses, high heels, ladies room lines, and bouquet catching within the span of 30 seconds.  Men eat yogurt too. Get the people behind the Dockers ad on this one!

Say what you will about the era of Vajazzling—at least people are talking about vaginas, even if they're talking about replacing natural hairs with space crystals, and even if they are actually talking about the pubic area above the vagina, and even if the whole thing should really be called "Pubazzling." Some people don't even want to acknowledge that vaginas exist. Tampon maker Kotex found that out the hard way when it attempted to sell tampon ads that invoked the word "vagina," and found its commercials rejected by three networks.

The New York Times reports that the above ad—in which a young actress mocks traditional tampon ads for their condescending, euphemistic tone—originally referenced the "vagina." When three networks rejected the spot, Kotex subbed in the euphemism "down there" for "vagina," and only two of the three networks rejected it. Now, the commercial contains no direct references to female genitalia—you know, the place where the fucking tampon goes.

The irony is not lost on Kotex. "It's very funny because the whole spot is about censorship," a director of the ad company who created the spot told NYT. "The whole category has been very euphemistic, or paternalistic even, and we're saying, enough with the euphemisms, and get over it. Tampon is not a dirty word, and neither is vagina."

Even without vagina, the ad is still the greatest tampon commercial ever. In it, the actress details all the tampon-ad-related activities she loves engaging in—holding really soft things, running on the beach, twirling, wearing white Spandex—while footage from Kotex's own history of terrible tampon ads plays. It's not "vagina" on TV, but it's still pretty awesome. Here's the final transcript:

How do I feel about my period? We're like this [crosses fingers]. I love it. I want to hold really soft things, like my cat. It makes me feel really pure. Sometimes I just want to run on the beach. I like to twirl, maybe in slow motion. And I do it in my white Spandex. And usually, by the third day, I really just want to dance. The ads on TV are really helpful, because they use that blue liquid, and I'm like, Oh! That's what's supposed to happen!

Thanks to onelovejedi for the tip.

Pharmacies that keep their condoms in locked cases cite shoplifting as the main rationale for the safe-sex lock-up. When shoppers are ashamed to buy sex-related items, the theory goes, they're more likely to steal them—instead of sheepishly carrying them to the counter. But condom shame could hold a hidden benefit for pharmacies as well: When customers do buy condoms, they're more likely to impulse-buy other items, as well.

Online pharmacy mastersdirect.com has conducted a survey about pharmacy shopping habits which is probably mostly bullshit. But the dubious reporting here may hold some truths about pharmacy hang-ups:

* "One out of 10 men said . . . they have had unprotected sex because they were too embarrassed to buy condoms from a pharmacy."

* "A quarter has simply walked out of a pharmacy because they were too embarrassed to ask for a particular health product."

* "Thrush creams, tampons and pregnancy tests also made people feel conspicuous. In an attempt to hide their embarrassment over their purchases, well over a third had even bought something they didn't need as a 'cover-up'."

If the last statement is true, pharmacies may not be too eager to reduce the stigma of condom purchasing in their stores. If purchases of condoms, tampons, and lube are accompanied by a lucrative cover, why tone-down your employees' sex-product gawking?

Personally, I've never been so embarrassed to buy a health product that I've walked out of the store. But I have definitely picked up a cover item or two to balance out my sex-related purchase. I usually go for the gummy bears—cheap, tasty, close to the counter. I can't really explain why I find that necessary. Am I afraid the cashier will know that I'm on my period? That I plan to have sex soon? That I plan to have reduced-friction sex soon? Why, instead, would I prefer that the cashier know I'm bleeding out of my vagina, want to have sex, and require a snack?

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

Last week, I wrote about how CVS Pharmacies in Washington, D.C. are continuing to limit access to condoms by locking up some stores and declining to work with public health activist groups. The main problem with condom lock-up is that it forces customers to interact with several employees, wait around in front of the condom box, and verbally request the product. In short, it's embarrassing.

Sometimes, the employees make it more so. I stopped by a CVS in Los Angeles last week to pick up some personal items—not condoms, though. I approached the cashier with a box of tampons, some Midol, and a pack of gum. I was with a boy.

The cashier rung up my merchandise, requested my CVS card, and delivered my change. Then, she said this to us:

"You kids have fun this weekend, whatever you do or don't do!"

Whatever we "do" or "don't do"? You got us good, CVS. I thought your employees could only make me uncomfortable about doing it when I bought something actually related to sex. Now I know you can make me uncomfortable about doing it (or not doing it!) when I buy anything at all!

Photo by Editor B