According to media reports, this Halloween was gearing up to be the sexiest, most infantilizing, super sexiest, most racially insensitive, nipple-suspender-y Halloween ever! So, how sexy was it? I surveyed the staff of the Washington City Paper to find out.

Account Executive Nikki Caporale, who dressed as Domo from Yo Gaba Gaba Japan, Target, and 7-Eleven, says her sexiness was not hindered by the body-engulfing cardboard. "It was sexy in the mysterious kind of way," she writes. "Lots of people wanted to know what was inside the box, wanted to get in my box. . . . I met a really cute French Bevis and we made out while I was wearing the box. I later took it off so I could dance/make out with Bevis some more."

Andrew Beaujon, Managing Editor, appeared as himself. Beaujon didn't opt for a costume this year, but that doesn't mean it wasn't sexy: "The bar is pretty low in Del Ray. I wasn't wearing polar fleece and did not have a cellular telephone clipped to my belt, so yes, compared to the other dads, I was exquisitely Sexy." Later, Beaujon found some competition: "There was a grown woman who came to our door in a witch costume at about 4:30, which was just weird, not Sexy. Later I saw her walking on a different street in just her bra, or maybe she'd switched to a belly-dancer costume? Looked like a bra. Does that count?"

Terri Holtz, Senior Account Executive, dressed as the Evil Queen from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. She says the costume's full-body coverage, including requisite head-covering, was "closer to nun's clothing"—ironic, perhaps, for a character who tempts the virginal Snow White with the poison apple of sin:

The other cartoon characters at Holtz's party, however, were less than modest. Like the guy who dressed as Sexy Dr. Manhattan. As far as I know, the dimensions of Manhattan's junk were never revealed in Watchmen, so this guy decided to improvise with a semi-erect rod and a couple of Christmas ornaments:

Speaking of Sexy Cartoon Characters: I went as the cat that Pepe Le Pew thinks is a skunk, a costume I thought to be fairly innocuous until I stumbled upon one very Not Safe for Halloween anime porn rendering of the minor Looney Toons character, to which I will not be linking. (OK: Just Google image search "Penelope Pussycat" with Safe Search off, and she'll be on the first page):

More from the no-picture-attached crowd: Receptionist Alicia Merritt dressed as Janis Joplin, which she says included a "little cleavage," but mostly "sloppiness." Staff Writer Ruth Samuelson dressed as Lady Gaga dressed as Minnie Mouse, a costume that was sexy only "IN THEORY. BUT CHEAP WIGS ARE NEVER SEXY. I HAD ON A REALLY CHEAP WIG, AND THE PLASTIC HAIRS KEPT STICKING ON MY LIPS. I THREW IT IN THE GARBAGE AROUND 12:30." (I don't know why she's yelling). City Lights Editor Mike Riggs dressed as "Trailer Park Zombie." Was it sexy? "Not even a little bit," he writes—"unless short denim shorts, suspenders, a camo ball cap, a black sabbath tee with no sleeves, and really upsetting face paint is your idea of sexy." (It is).

Account Executive Nick DiBlasio went as "Scary no eyeballs guy," a costume he claims was not sexy. I think he's just being modest (second from the right):

Web Programmer Will Mitchell went as a pizza. It wasn't sexy.

Leave it to the Atlanta contingent to sex up City Paper's Halloween. Brooke Hatfield, Art Director based out of Creative Loafing HQ, redeems us all with her Sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg:

Despite my continuing protest against the sexualization of all things Halloween, even I have to admit that Slutty Halloween appears to be here to stay. Let's say that all women accept their duty to dress Sexy this Slutty Halloween. When every woman is Sexy, will Sexy be enough? Or must the Sexiest among them strive to be Sexier—dare I say, Super Sexier? If you're simply planning on dressing "Sexy" come October 31st, beware: I have seen the future of Sexy Halloween, and it is "Super Sexy":

Watch how a regular costume is slowly rendered unrecognizable as it devolves from normal to sexy to super sexy:

SNOW WHITES, via Costume Kingdom:

Snow White

"Sexy" Snow White

"Super Sexy" Snow White

—

COPS, via Buy.com:

Cop

"Sexy" Cop

"Super Sexy" Cop

—
RAGDOLLS, via Amazon.com:

Ragdoll

"Sexy" Ragdoll

"Super Sexy" Ragdoll

While I recognize the creativity that must have gone into designing a costume to show the maximum amount of skin while still incorporating puffy princess sleeves, I'm not sure that the same appreciation for design work is going to extend to the party atmosphere, where the reaction to these absurdly sexy get-ups will more likely be: "WTF does that lady have dozens of red ribbons tied all over her half-naked body?" I'm also concerned for our children, and our children's children. When the time comes, how will they possibly turn these "Super Sexy" Halloween costumes into "Super Duper Sexy" versions? My predictions: Snow White loses everything except for a pair of red bow pasties. What the Cop loses in skin coverage she makes up for with a vibrating nightstick. And our little Ragdoll's braids are lengthened just enough to help her perform a precarious Lady Godiva function.