In a blog post entitled Sigh . . ., El Guapo in DC makes his triumphant return by lamenting the mass exodus of high-heel wearing ladies from the district. “Ballerina flats,” he writes. “Si, ballerina shoes. The women of DC have for some reason turned to wearing ballerina shoes. Have they done this to spite me? I think so. Is this their way of telling me that I’ve mistreated women in the past? Lo siento. En serio, I’m sorry. Please, por favor, put the heels back on. I cannot take this anymore.”

El Guapo shies from outright blaming the return of “the footwear equivalent of sweatpants” on “that Latino president that is in the White House (Yes, he’s part Guatemalan. No black man is that smooth).”

“I don’t want to point fingers,” he writes. “No fingers pointing at Obama. But there were no ugly ballerina shoes when Bush was in town. All heels. All the time. . . . Please bring the heels back. You look horrible. Seriously.”

Okay. I’ll bite. Are Democratic women more likely to wear flat shoes? I voted for Obama, and have never worn any shoe north of a half-inch heel for more than a very uncomfortable afternoon. Coincidence? Probably.

But aren’t Democratic women more likely to be hippies, who are more likely to ride bikes, which are more likely to require flat feet [Fig. 1]?

FIGURE 1:

OBAMA —> HIPPIES —> BICYCLES —> BALLERINA SHOES

Bushies, on the other hand, were rich enough to not have to care about the environment, OR to display their token hippiedom by using special lightbulbs and staging charity balls for trees, to which they traveled in taxis, which are far more accomodating of the high heel [Fig. 2].

FIGURE 2:

BUSH —> $$$ —> LIGHTBULBS/ CHARITY BALLS —> TAXIS —> HIGH HEELS

Proof.

Photo by Kekka

I’m torn.

The press release, which made its way into my inbox earlier today, began on a high note. “Take a Stand Against Domestic Violence With Marshall’s,” read the e-mail, before taking a quick turn for the worse: “. . . IN THE SEASON’S HOTTEST SHOES.”

I want nothing more than to take a stand against domestic violence. But I’m not sure the best way to protest violence against women is to reinforce the perception of women as frivolous consumers whose activist passions are largely fueled by their enduring obsession with shoes. “It’s no secret that women love their shoes,”declares Marshall’s. “And now they can indulge in this season’s most fashion-forward shoe styles while taking a stand against domestic violence.”

The shoes don’t stop there.

On October 2, 2008, Marshall’s will co-sponsor an event to kick off “Domestic Violence Awareness Month.” The Union Square event will feature comments by “Gossip Girl” star Leighton Meester, live sculpture-building by New York artist Nancy Bowen, and participation from other “notable New Yorkers.” But will there be shoes?

Oh, yes. There will be shoes:

Don’t forget your old shoes—Marshalls is offering the first 100 participants who arrive at the event a new pair of shoes from their fall fashion collection in exchange for their gently-worn shoes.  After receiving their new shoes, guests will have the opportunity to take a stand against domestic violence and walk one of two runways, which will lead them to local artist, Nancy Bowen, who will work during the event to create an artistic shoe sculpture.  At the conclusion of the event, all shoes not used in the sculpture will be donated to Soles4Souls, a Nashville-based organization that facilitates the donations of shoes, which are used to aid the hurting worldwide.

Forget about the shoes. Did you say Leighton Meester of “Gossip Girl”? See you on the runway, Marshall’s.