In honor of hungry arcade icon Pac-Man's 30th birthday, The Digital Vegetarian unearths this photo demonstration of the Sexy Ms. Pac-Man Halloween costume, and how it works (you pull your sexy castle grommet skirt up to reveal a ghost!) I surveyed my fair share of ridiculous sexy Halloween costumes last October, but Sexy Ms. Pacman may be the most curious of them all. Why is the ghost on her vagina? Why is Pacman trying to eat Ms. Pacman—on some boobs? Shouldn't the wearer keep her sexy castle grommet skirt on, in order to protect Pacman and his other half from this life-sucking vagina ghost? Whose side is she on, anyway? Whatever. Sexy! [Via Jess at Birthday Bread Horse].

This year on the Sexist, the pageviews accumulated like so many cats draped across my spinstery blogger frame. I'd like to take a minute to thank you all for clicking and commenting, even those of you who accidentally stumbled onto this blog while searching for porn. Especially you guys.

Below are the 10 most popular blog posts of the past year, with commentary on everything from semen facials to sexy librarians to nipple slips to Sarah Palin. Damnit! You all were just looking for porn!

10. Semen Facials Are Like Weddings, in which the degradation of porn can be ignored in the bedroom (as long as we can address it on the blogs):

Facials are like weddings. We all know that the institution of marriage is one of the patriarchy’s all-time greatest hits, in which women are sold into sexual slavery from father to husband in exchange for livestock. And yet, who derives the greatest joy from weddings? Women! It’s the craziest thing. But even though we all know that weddings were clearly institutionalized to facilitate the willing subjugation of women, feminists figure out a way to do it anyway. Why? Probably because even though we all know it’s sexist as fuck, weddings—like facial ejaculation—still make some people happy. And feminists deserve to be happy, too. But that doesn’t mean we should forget about the sexist tropes that sometimes inform our happiness (and our sex lives).

9. Library Conference Secret Twitter Proves Librarians Sexy, Stern, in which some librarians wish to silence the sexual overtures of other librarians:

Some librarians are exhausted by the conference’s material (”I have reached the point of the conference where I no longer give a damn about anything anyone is saying any more.”) Others are inspired by a perceived lack of cultural acceptance for a librarian’s sex life (”I am an adult. I am a librarian. I enjoy good sex. Including at this conference. What is the problem?”). Most of them, for whatever reason, are talking about fucking—that’s the “sexy” part. Not everyone is happy about it. That’s where “stern” comes in.

8. Huffington Post: Liberal Politics, Sexist Entertainment, in which nipple slips emerge as a liberal mainstay:

The problem is that people really do care about nipples. They care so much about nipples that the Huffington Post devotes pages and pages of photographs to them when women accidentally (or, you know, against their will) reveal them to the public. In that way, there’s no difference between the religious conservative who is scandalized by a bare breast popping up in the middle of his football game and a liberal Web site which devotes its resources to naked chicks. A woman’s body part is a priority. Real women’s issues, not so much.

7. The Onion's Best and Worst Rape Jokes, in which the hilarity of rape jokes is all about the target:

I’ve written a lot recently on who can successfully tell a rape joke and what targets are fair game for the butts of those jokes. One perennial source of rape humor, the Onion, gets the rape joke dynamic right a lot of the time. The format has a lot to do it: as America’s leading source of fake news, the Onion is always skewering the media along with its make-believe subjects, and media treatment of sexual violence is often ripe for satire.

6. The Rapiest Quotes From "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell", in which Tucker Max's jokes rely on almost (but not quite!) rape:

[youtube:v=-qpHzm5Z-eQ]

Max’s stories succeed on orchestrating sexual conquests that are increasingly outrageous, drunk, dubiously legal, painful, objectifying, and embarrassing to his sex partners. In order to continue to one-up himself, Max intentionally pushes the line of consent—getting drunker, getting her drunker, leaving his sex partners to fend for themselves—naked—on the street, hiding his friend with an undisclosed video camera in his closet while they’re doing it. It’s not hard to think of the ultimate scenario these increasingly absurd sexcapades are inching toward—it’s, like, rape, dude. And now—thanks to Max’s movie tour—undergrads everywhere can compete to have the consensual sex that’s most like rape without actually being a prosecutable offense. Sure, some dudes might fail and actually rape chicks. Oh well!

Yesterday, City Lights Editor Mike Riggs revealed that he dressed as "Trailer Trash Zombie" for Halloween this year, a costume he claimed was “not even a little bit" sexy—“unless short denim shorts, suspenders, a camo ball cap, a black sabbath tee with no sleeves, and really upsetting face paint is your idea of sexy.” Now, we have the photo evidence to judge for ourselves. Is Trailer Park Zombie sexy? Is it just offensive? Or is it one of the rare offensively sexy costumes?

Keep this tidbit in mind, courtesy of Riggs: "also, the shorts progressively shortened through the night as I (a) ripped pieces of them off and (b) pulled them up over my gut."

According to media reports, this Halloween was gearing up to be the sexiest, most infantilizing, super sexiest, most racially insensitive, nipple-suspender-y Halloween ever! So, how sexy was it? I surveyed the staff of the Washington City Paper to find out.

Account Executive Nikki Caporale, who dressed as Domo from Yo Gaba Gaba Japan, Target, and 7-Eleven, says her sexiness was not hindered by the body-engulfing cardboard. "It was sexy in the mysterious kind of way," she writes. "Lots of people wanted to know what was inside the box, wanted to get in my box. . . . I met a really cute French Bevis and we made out while I was wearing the box. I later took it off so I could dance/make out with Bevis some more."

Andrew Beaujon, Managing Editor, appeared as himself. Beaujon didn't opt for a costume this year, but that doesn't mean it wasn't sexy: "The bar is pretty low in Del Ray. I wasn't wearing polar fleece and did not have a cellular telephone clipped to my belt, so yes, compared to the other dads, I was exquisitely Sexy." Later, Beaujon found some competition: "There was a grown woman who came to our door in a witch costume at about 4:30, which was just weird, not Sexy. Later I saw her walking on a different street in just her bra, or maybe she'd switched to a belly-dancer costume? Looked like a bra. Does that count?"

Terri Holtz, Senior Account Executive, dressed as the Evil Queen from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. She says the costume's full-body coverage, including requisite head-covering, was "closer to nun's clothing"—ironic, perhaps, for a character who tempts the virginal Snow White with the poison apple of sin:

The other cartoon characters at Holtz's party, however, were less than modest. Like the guy who dressed as Sexy Dr. Manhattan. As far as I know, the dimensions of Manhattan's junk were never revealed in Watchmen, so this guy decided to improvise with a semi-erect rod and a couple of Christmas ornaments:

Speaking of Sexy Cartoon Characters: I went as the cat that Pepe Le Pew thinks is a skunk, a costume I thought to be fairly innocuous until I stumbled upon one very Not Safe for Halloween anime porn rendering of the minor Looney Toons character, to which I will not be linking. (OK: Just Google image search "Penelope Pussycat" with Safe Search off, and she'll be on the first page):

More from the no-picture-attached crowd: Receptionist Alicia Merritt dressed as Janis Joplin, which she says included a "little cleavage," but mostly "sloppiness." Staff Writer Ruth Samuelson dressed as Lady Gaga dressed as Minnie Mouse, a costume that was sexy only "IN THEORY. BUT CHEAP WIGS ARE NEVER SEXY. I HAD ON A REALLY CHEAP WIG, AND THE PLASTIC HAIRS KEPT STICKING ON MY LIPS. I THREW IT IN THE GARBAGE AROUND 12:30." (I don't know why she's yelling). City Lights Editor Mike Riggs dressed as "Trailer Park Zombie." Was it sexy? "Not even a little bit," he writes—"unless short denim shorts, suspenders, a camo ball cap, a black sabbath tee with no sleeves, and really upsetting face paint is your idea of sexy." (It is).

Account Executive Nick DiBlasio went as "Scary no eyeballs guy," a costume he claims was not sexy. I think he's just being modest (second from the right):

Web Programmer Will Mitchell went as a pizza. It wasn't sexy.

Leave it to the Atlanta contingent to sex up City Paper's Halloween. Brooke Hatfield, Art Director based out of Creative Loafing HQ, redeems us all with her Sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg:

Yesterday, a reader wrote in with an interesting conundrum: How do you politely explain to a friend that their chosen Halloween costume could be racist? Commenter CA lays out the issue:

Obviously, there is a market for costumes that are based on racial discriminations. But I am guessing that the majority of people who purchase these types of costumes are not doing so out of blatant racism, but more out of ignorance that the costume is offensive, or that they are perpetuating a stereotype.

A good friend of mine’s Halloween costume is just one of these types of costumes. My question is—how do you tell someone, and not just tell them, but explain to them, why a costume like that is offensive? Not everyone has acquired this level of cultural understanding/sensitivity to latent racism (for lack of a better term?) (I know for me it was in college, in a race and media class, that these types of realizations came onto my radar. It was one of those “ah-ha” moments.)

So what is a simple, nonconfrontational and constructive way of telling someone “your costume is racist” or at the very least “your costume could be perceived as racially offensive by many people” ? Thoughts?

Your mission—sensitively informing a friend that their Halloween joy is a product of racial stereotype—is a valiant one. But given the high level of defensiveness surrounding accusations of racism, the conversation will likely turn tricky. I don't have any personal experience with The Your Halloween Costume Is Racist Talk, but I have read some tips from other sources that might help you out.

* Don't make it personal. Try starting a general conversation with your friend about a well-publicized racist Halloween costume—not hers—and comments you have read from people who have been offended by the costume. This "sexy illegal alien costume," which was hopefully not your friend's choice, would make for a pretty good jumping-off point to talk about two common issues in Halloween costumes: (1) visual jokes which imply that certain groups of people are not fully human, and (2) "sexy" costumes which tend to objectify racial minorities. Last month, meloukhia, the author of the wonderful blog this ain't livin', described how avoiding direct accusations can help people learn the error of their ways:

So, recently, I made a stupid comment on the Internet. I know, shocking. And someone else responded to the post I commented on, and pointed out that my comment was stupid without explicitly calling me out on it, simply by talking about the issues in the post. It was actually pretty sly, because I read that comment and was like “right on,” and then realized “oh, wait, this person is kind of talking about the fact that I AM AN ASS.” I thought it was a great correction, because it allowed me to respond honestly and without defensiveness.

Perhaps your friend will realize on her own that her costume is kinda racist, and start thinking of some other options.

* Realize that they will probably take it personally anyway. It's likely that your trick-or-treat buddy is going to be pretty attached to her Halloween costume idea, especially if she's already shelled out for her "sexy squaw" wig. A person's investment in their chosen Halloween costume goes far beyond the price-tag. This shit can get emotional. Your friend has probably been imagining herself wearing her outfit for the past couple of weeks, and has definitely tried it on—maybe more than once. Nobody likes to be called on their racism, ever. But on Halloween, when a person's unintentional racism is nevertheless put proudly on display—when it becomes their very identity for an evening—the possibility that your friend might react defensively is pretty high.

At this point, it might be to helpful to point out that members of the group that stand to be offended by your friend's costume have to live with their marginalized identities 24/7. Your friend may think you're trying to ruin her Halloween fun. But really, racist stereotypes ruin a lot of people's fun every day of their lives, and delicately making that clear may convince your friend that changing up the costume isn't too much of a sacrifice. Alternately, perhaps you can suggest how she might convert her costume elements into a less offensive final product?

* Ask your friend if she has any reservations about wearing the costume in public. Just straight up ask her if she's worried about any indigenous Alaskans seeing her Sexy Eskimo Costume. Sometimes, offensive costume wearers don't even consider the possibility that a person from the minority group they've dressed as will actually see them. Georgetown student Anna Bank realized this when she confronted a fellow student about his Halloween costume last year. The guy, who had dressed up as Georgetown sexual assault suspect the "Georgetown cuddler," expressed to her that he "hoped that nobody who was a victim of the cuddling actually saw his costume, because he thought that that might be upsetting." Sometimes, the simple realization that the people a racist costume is meant to lampoon actually exist— and will likely be at your Halloween party—is enough to make a costume-wearer reconsider.

* On the other hand, perhaps your friend likes the costume because it is racist. Some people do wear costumes because they find the absurd stereotypes hilarious . . . on an "ironic" level. The theory—I assume—is, "Oh! Look at that horribly racist costume targeted at women from the Middle East! I will wear it to point out how awful the costume industry has become!" Here, it is probably enough to point out that even though your friend does not intend to be racist, that strangers won't be aware of her intentions just by looking at her.

If anyone knows any other helpful strategies, please file them in the comments. And if anyone ends up speaking with a friend about this issu —or simply plans to confront any racist-costumed strangers they spy on Halloween night—please let us know how it goes.

Pin Up Girl Clothing, a leading advocate of Sexy Halloween, offers up this year's must-have slutty accessory: The "Sexy Halloween Costume Hat." What makes a hat sexy? Does a Sexy Hat reveal intimate portions of the wearer's scalp? Does it function as a substitute for pants? And are we sure it's not just the eye patch? According to Pin Up Girl's gallery, a hat is only as sexy as the "fuck me" facial expression you're making beneath it.

The "Brown Buccaneer Hat," $12, is but a pirate-themed frame for your best blow-up-doll gaze:

The gold trim on this "Unisex Black Pirate Hat" isn't enough to achieve gender-neutral sexiness. Better slacken your jaw and grit your teeth at the same time (at least, that's how I think she achieved this. I can't do it).

Alternately, tip your head up saucily, thereby saving this "Sexy Pirate Hat With Gold Lace Ribbon and Feather" from becoming another "ridiculous and asexual head-covering featuring bows":

There! She's doing the slack-jawed teeth-gritting thing again! And she's wearing a hat!

Despite my continuing protest against the sexualization of all things Halloween, even I have to admit that Slutty Halloween appears to be here to stay. Let's say that all women accept their duty to dress Sexy this Slutty Halloween. When every woman is Sexy, will Sexy be enough? Or must the Sexiest among them strive to be Sexier—dare I say, Super Sexier? If you're simply planning on dressing "Sexy" come October 31st, beware: I have seen the future of Sexy Halloween, and it is "Super Sexy":

Watch how a regular costume is slowly rendered unrecognizable as it devolves from normal to sexy to super sexy:

SNOW WHITES, via Costume Kingdom:

Snow White

"Sexy" Snow White

"Super Sexy" Snow White

—

COPS, via Buy.com:

Cop

"Sexy" Cop

"Super Sexy" Cop

—
RAGDOLLS, via Amazon.com:

Ragdoll

"Sexy" Ragdoll

"Super Sexy" Ragdoll

While I recognize the creativity that must have gone into designing a costume to show the maximum amount of skin while still incorporating puffy princess sleeves, I'm not sure that the same appreciation for design work is going to extend to the party atmosphere, where the reaction to these absurdly sexy get-ups will more likely be: "WTF does that lady have dozens of red ribbons tied all over her half-naked body?" I'm also concerned for our children, and our children's children. When the time comes, how will they possibly turn these "Super Sexy" Halloween costumes into "Super Duper Sexy" versions? My predictions: Snow White loses everything except for a pair of red bow pasties. What the Cop loses in skin coverage she makes up for with a vibrating nightstick. And our little Ragdoll's braids are lengthened just enough to help her perform a precarious Lady Godiva function.

We all know that the Sexy Halloween Costume industry has got a penchant for indulging in underage fantasy. The Sexy Schoolgirl Costume, of course, is a perennial favorite. But even when grown women dress up in knee-highs, pleated minis, and Britney-style button-downs, schoolgirl afficionados can still tell themselves that the style reflects a student in her late teens—perhaps one graduating from high school, or recently enrolled in a Catholic girl's college. In other words, she could be 18. Maaaaybe.

Not so with the "SEXY BROWNY BABE" COSTUME:

The "Sexy Brownie Babe" get-up is modeled after the youngest class of Girl Scouts. And there ain't a lot of wiggle room in terms of age.

According to the Scouts, "Brownies" are girls enrolled in grades one to three, aged 6 to 8 years. Typical activities for Brownies include "learning to swim at summer camp," "planning an overnight to celebrate their birthdays," and "deciding how many cookies to sell to earn money for trips."

Obviously, using the image of these young girls to help adults get their rocks off (retail price $74.00) is really fucking gross. But how do we know that the "Browny Babe" is truly a rip-off of our young Brownie Scouts? Take a look at the Brownie uniform:

They got the colors (brown and baby blue) just right. They even threw in the accessories:

The "Sexy Browny" version only missed one little detail: Instead of merit badges, the sash boasts a smiley face and a button reading "69." And I'm going to be hard pressed to find a Halloween costume grosser than that.

Still looking for that sexy Halloween costume? If you've been dreaming of dressing as former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, except naked and horny for other high-profile female politicians, you are so in luck!

Hustler has produced a promotional cardboard mask in the likeness of Lisa Ann, the adult film star who portrayed everyone's favorite VILF in the Hustler-produced picture "Who's Nailin' Paylin?" (featuring porny Hilary Clinton and porny Condoleezza Rice) and its spell-checked follow-up, "You're Nailin' Palin: Interactive!" (co-starring porny Carrie Prejean).

Ladies, I'd really love to tell you to strap on Hustler's "Parody Mask of Lisa Ann" this Halloween. But according to the instructions on the back, the mask is actually produced for men to slap on to you. Presumably in the boudoir. It reads:

PLACE ON FACE OF:

• Wife
• Girlfriend
• Mistress
• Significant Other

Doesn't every man deserve to pretend to fuck a dead-eyed porn star who is pretending to be an absurd Republican politician? Just shut up and take the mask, Mistress.

Every day in October, I'm been rollin' out the worst "sexy" Halloween costumes on the market this year. Now that we're two-thirds of our way to the big 31, the world's most offensive sexualized costumes have gained a few defenders. And they will be damned if I continue to insult their racist, sexist, and sizist pastimes! Let's hear what they have to say:

On the "Sexy Indian" costume:

Cara is concerned that pointing out racism may ruin Halloween for everyone (but particularly people who sell racist costumes!):

PLEASE! It’s halloween! Get over it! No one is trying to offend anyone, they are trying to sell costumes. Let it go and quit trying to bring down everyones holiday by disecting every stupid name and costume. If you don’t like it, don’t wear it.

On the "Sexy Anorexia" costume:

Cara is back to say that sexy costumes aren't even sexy—and also that you are all jealous of just how sexy they are:

I don’t really know what all the fuss is about. As much as I understand the Anna-rexia costume being absurd and wrong, you can’t judge these costumes as being slutty until you try them on. The costumes that the models are wearing are always made tighter, or shorter so they look ‘better’ in the photograph.

It sounds like someone is a little jealous. If you have a problem with the way these costumes look, why don’t you make something for yourself. Like a Moo Moo?

Even he "Sexy Fat Arab" costume has its defenders!

OverIt believes that the get-up serves a valuable public health function:

Perhaps if more people laughed at the morbidly obese, the United States wouldn’t be in the disgustingly fat shape it is now.

Cara, tireless defender of offensive holiday sexiness, insists that people don't wear racist costumes to be racist—they wear them to be funny!

I honestly think you blow things way out of proportion. I truly doubt the ‘racist’ guy is going to wear this. You are way over thinking all of these costumes.

Why would someone wear it? Because it looks funny, a guy in a fat suit.

I have seen frat guys wear costumes like this, and they do it to make there friends laugh, not to show their racist colors and bring down society. Why don’t you just live in a cave and never come out. Speaking of which, what are you going to be for Halloween? A skeloten is ’slutty’ and ‘anorexic.’ An indian (what my 5 year old niece wants to be, I guess shes racist). Would a ghost be disrespectful to the spirit world? How about a witch, or would we offend old people who live alone? How about a fruit, would that hurt the gays?

I mean, this is getting a little ridiculous.

Hold on. Don't throw up yet! Check this out: This little padded, veiled number is being marketed as the " HAREM SCAREM SEXY HALLOWEEN COSTUME":

Okay. Now you can throw up.

I pity the man who wears this costume in my general vicinity. But perhaps, had I the opportunity to interview the man beneath this foam display of misogyny and racism, he could answer a few of my most pressing questions.

Like:

• What the fuck is this fucking costume?
• What is the joke, exactly?
• Is the joke that Arab women are scary?
• Or is it that Arab women are ugly?
• Is it that fat women are scary, and ugly?
• Is it just the "harem" pun? Is that it?
• Is the extra padding to help protect you from an inevitable beatdown?
• You couldn't just stop at the "sexy fat hula dancer," could you?

Oh, and if you're wondering how much it will cost a white dude to proudly display his fear and hatred of Muslim women this Halloween, the answer is $39.99.

THE "SEXY BREATHALIZER" COSTUME:

This little polyester-foam number, which retails for $49.99, invites party guests to see if their blood alcohol content registers as "Boring," "Life of the Party," or "Sotally Tober": All you have to do is blow into the phallic tube positioned in front of some douchebag's crotch. Basically, somebody manufactured a human-sized foam box complete with full-color meter, graph, oversize arrow, and foam erection so that some guy can put it on and say, "Hey, baby! You appear drunk! Why don't you suck my cock to make sure?"

Interestingly, the product page suggests that buyers "Invite your date to dress as an alcoholic beverage for a fun couple's costume!" Because it's not a fun Halloween party until a Sexy Breathalizer Machine pressures a Sexy Margarita to awkwardly assume a kneeling position and fellate it in your living room, right?

Buycostumes.com commenter Becky74 certainly thinks so. "I bought this costume for my husband, seeing as he never knows what to be. I am thinking he will be the hit of the party!! This costume is hilarious, especially seeing as we live in Wisconsin!! I think everyone at the party will get a kick out of it! We are keeping it TOP secret so no one knows what he is going to be and the suspense seems to be killing everyone, so they know it is going to be good!! Maybe he will win first prize this year!!"

Commenter CPickle, on the other hand, raised a structural concern with the product. "I got this costume for the annual costume party and it was perfect," CPickle wrote. "The only thing that could be changed is the 'blow tube'—it took longer to get it to stand up than to get the wrinkles out of the rest of the costume."

Not only is the costume outfitted with a foam penis—it's outfitted with a foam penis that you have to carefully massage in to place in order to ensure that it is erect.

If you're not prepared to shell out 50 bucks for a breathalizer machine that can't even get it up, don't worry. Any guy who would actually wear this costume doesn't need to pay to look like he preys on drunk women. Just check out the model: he's already got the turtleneck.

While men-sized revelers will be sporting sweet skeleton costumes like this come Halloween, looks like I'll have to settle for an uncomfortable and oddly sexual costume that CUTS OFF ALL MY SKELETAL LIMBS. Above we have "Sexy Skelly," a stretchy skeleton minidress which turns the pelvis and ribs into erotic suggestions of nearby organs. Sexy Pebbles hair accessory not included.

This skintight ladies skeleton, below, isn't so bad—the hoddie turns into a sweet skull mask, and at least I get pants! (Okay, leggings). Did you know that even girls bones are pink? That's how different girls are from boys!

This next one is my personal favorite: A women's skeleton costume that lights up with the flick of a switch. Unfortunately, it comes attached to a caped tube top.

The "Light Up Sexy Skeleton" costume comes compete with cape, scythe, and batteries, but suggests that the wearer fine one crucial accessory on her own: "This sexy Grim Reaper always gets her man."

To Wikipedia, Native Americans are "indigenous peoples from North America [that] comprise a large number of distinct tribes, states, and ethnic groups, many of which survive as intact political communities." To the Halloween industry, Native Americans are super sexy! (As long as we're talking about large-breasted, thin white women dressing up as Native Americans, and not real Native Americans).

CostumeSupercenter.com devotes an entire category of sexy costume to "Indians." Above we have the "Tribal Tease Adult Costume"—already out-of-stock! Luckily, accompanying costume accessory "Black Sqaw Wig Adult" is still available. Did you know that "squaw" is a term widely considered demeaning to Native American women? Buy yours today.

We also have the "Woman's Sexy Pocahottie" Costume":

In case "Pocahottie" wasn't enough to convince you that this is a sexually arousing take on a historically persecuted indigenous group, the "Sexy" qualifier is there to hammer the racist eroticism into the ground. Next up, the "Indian Babe Adult Costume":

Is that a belly ring I see in there? Hot! Up next is my personal favorite: the "Adult Sexy Indian Dream Catcher Costume."

It comes with a vagina flap! And finally, we have the "Adult 2 Piece Sassy Native American Costume":

Ouch: "Sassy." What makes this Native American "sassy" instead of "sexy"? Is it the stiletto boots? No, Sexy Pocahottie is wearing those, too. Is it the hands-on-hips pose? Nope, Indian Babe has got it going on as well. Could it be that a company marketing sexualized tribal costumes to white women couldn't help but slip in a racially charged term? I'm betting yes!

PREVIOUSLY: Worst Sexy Halloween Costumes: The Flasher

THE FLASHER:

The Flasher costume, on-sale at ZoogerCostumes.com for the low price of $32.99, features a "male-themed flesh-colored jumpsuit with attached black overcoat." "Male-themed" is an interesting euphemism for "dick the size of my arm," so kudos for that, Zooger Costumes!

Which of the following characteristics can we assume about the guy who actually wears this costume to your Halloween party:

a) He wasn't invited

b) He actually wears those loafers with those socks

c) Even after several dozen surprise revelations of his hilariously gigantic stuffed phallus, he will still think it's hilarious

d) He'll start rubbing the fake penis against all the girls at the party in about 5 seconds

e) He's always gotten off on the idea of flashing strangers, but has always been self-conscious about size

e) He has a real erection under his fake erection

One late October evening somewhere in the 1980's, in the time before children, a friend of my parents traveled from Clintonville, Wi. to Madison to attend the city's Halloween block party. The friend, though, had trekked sans-costume. So they did what any noble crew of young professionals would do: They dressed him in snug overalls, dyed his exposed skin with green food coloring, and tied him up in a mass of uprooted garden vegetables. The costume contained three main organic components: An artichoke crown, a pair of beet testicles, and a large carrot phallus. They dubbed him "Plant Man."

This is the right way to do the scantily-clad Halloween costume: Innovative, messy, edging toward the pathetic. Sadly, Plant Man and his brethren have been eclipsed in recent years by a far sadder costuming tradition: The Sexy [Whatever].

Sure, it may be easier for men to just strap on some home-grown goods, don themselves Vegetable Dude, and manage to come away from the evening without sacrificing their attractiveness to interested parties. Still, ladies: Heed the lessons of Plant Man. The sexy nurse, cheerleader, or leprechaun (now available in wee sizes, too) are mere distractions to the far sexier costume:

The huge phallic object.

Trust me: Dudes love this. In recent years, I've had three female friends go this route, and all were smashing successes. One, a huge, yellow banana, was hounded at a New York City house party by a dude who desperately wanted to slip on her peel, if you know what I mean. Another, a homemade foam strip of bacon, got a string of high-fives from the passengers of a city bus. The sexy hot dog, perhaps the most obvious of the phallic imagery, glued a bra and panties on her body-obscuring foam costume for good measure.

So for any woman thinking about reaching for that last sexy inmate costume on the shelf: Hold out for something that looks more like a penis. You will not be disappointed.

Photo by Brettf