On the subject of "Lesbians Until Graduation," and all the stigma attached to the label, a commenter points to the Two Nice Girls song on the subject. A sampling:

I spent my last ten dollars on birth control and beer
My life was so much simpler when I was sober and queer
But the love of a strong hairy man has turned my head I fear
And made me spend my last ten bucks on birth control and beer

It concludes: "there's certain thrills that lesbian love simply cannot supply / Like paying for abortions from sperm gone awry." Indeed.

Last week, I wrote about the second KinkForAll unconference to bring ad-hoc alternate-sexuality education to the D.C. area. Below, some video evidence of kink educators from around the country talking everything from oral herpes at orgies to erotic Harry Poter fan-fic. (I'll post videos of that story's anti-porn conference later today).

"Sexy Fun Time With Google Apps", with Maymay and Emma, on the way Google's suite of applications can be applied to sex, from spreadsheets for calculating orgasm rations to calendars for annotating past sexual experiences.

"The Language of Touch", with DDog, on gender politics and touching. One participant: "After i came out as trans and started using male pronouns and presenting more male, it became more OK for me to be touchy-feelie and cuddly with people than I had previously, because for some reason a lot of my straight female friends then saw me as a straight guy instead of a gay woman—neither of which have ever been true!"

"How'd You Get Here? Rocky Horror, Fanfic, and Gateways to Kink", with Julia, on how nerdy subcultures can facilitate exploration of kinky sexualities—from the Rocky Horror Picture Show to Harry Potter fan fiction. Engorgio!

"Sex, Gender, and Pathologies", with xMech, on the scientific language of "gender identity disorder," and how it hurts the trans community.

"Taboo Erotica," with Jack Stratton, on erotica that defies social norms. He begins the session by having participants name "some horrible things." A working list: Scat play, piss play, incest, bestiality, furries, underage people, rape, edge play, snuff, race play, slavery, cuckoldry.

"Kissing," with Molly Ren, on navigating life as an orgy-attender with oral herpes. "I've dated mostly in the kink scene for the past two years, so I don't know what vanilla people do anymore," Molly says. "My first reaction when I would tell people, 'Oh, I can't kiss'? They'd say, 'Oh, Molly has a dom that's telling her not to kiss anyone but her! This is really hot!'"

"KinkForAll: What and Why?", with Maymay and Emma, on the reasoning behind this whole thing.

On a recent Saturday morning in a 14th Street NW community center, a young couple holds forth on one of transient D.C.’s perennial challenges: how to maintain a long-distance relationship. “One of my all-time favorite fetishes is orgasm control, where I play with when and how and under what conditions I get to have sexual pleasure, thanks to my dominant partner,” explains Maymay, a 25-year-old tech professional from San Francisco. “Only if I’m feeling nice!” replies Emma, his Providence, R.I.-based partner.

The educational session is called “Sexy Fun Time With Google Apps.” Its focus: how the suite of applications helps maintain fetish activity across time zones. Maymay and Emma share a Google calendar charting his experiences. “Masturbated and edged a bunch,” one day’s entry reads. “Masturbated in the shower with conditioner,” says another. Through PDFs, they also annotate erotica for one another: “This is one of my long-time favorite animal transformation and chastity stories,” one note reads. And there are spreadsheets, too: “It’s a really hot concept to have one orgasm for like every 20 or 50 I give her,” Maymay says. An orgasm spreadsheet can be used to calculate those ratios.

“This is obviously more helpful if your sex is complicated,” Maymay adds.

Which means it’s especially helpful at KinkForAll, a conference about sexuality’s more intricate possibilities. Attendees, whose name tags feature blog pseudonyms or Twitter handles, deliver 20-minute presentations on everything from the logistics of orgy participation for oral-herpes sufferers to the latest in “teledildonic” technology. (Another session, about the importance of keeping one’s “real life” and “kink life” separate, explains why KinkForAll participants' full names won't be revealed here.)

If KinkForAll had a leader, it would be Maymay, who arrives in blazer and KinkForAll T. He’s the most proactive submissive you’ll ever meet: He blogs prolifically about his relationship with sexual pain, runs a weekly “sexuality netcast,” and has campaigned for transparent sex-ed since co-founding KinkForAll last March. Officially, though, KinkForAll has no leaders. It’s designed as an “ad-hoc unconference,” with responsibilities shared among participants. Gatherings have been held in D.C., New York, Boston, San Francisco, and Providence—seven in all. The only prohibition: live demonstrations. “KinkForAll is about talking with one another, not playing with one another,” conference rules declare.

Since co-founding KinkForAll, Maymay has encountered some complications that don’t figure into his spreadsheets—which is why, even if there’s no live action onstage, he tapes every gathering. “I record myself because some people like to say I’m a pedophile, and since I’m not really a pedophile, it helps when they see video of me not being a pedophile,” he says. “I’m like, ‘Actually, I was just showing a Google doc on the screen.’”

Maymay’s accuser is a watchdog organization called Citizens Against Trafficking (CAT), which in March released a bulletin warning that the “All” in “KinkForAll” could potentially include minors. Though KinkForAll conferences are nontouching events, the bulletin said they could corrupt the youth all the same. Maymay “wants to attract teens to his events,” the bulletin announced. “He wants to provide youth—including minors—with information about fetishes, bondage and sadomasochism.” And then there was this: “A number of people have warned [him] that he will be labeled a pedophile and end up in prison if he continues to hold this position and act on it.” CAT seemed particularly concerned that KinkForAll’s “kinky sex and BDSM discussions were broadcast live, videotaped, blogged and twittered.” The bulletin featured a photograph showing Maymay’s head cradled in a woman’s arms and his back covered in lashes from a whip.

The image came from Maymay’s personal website, not the conference. But never mind: Maymay’s sin isn’t that he likes it rough in private. It’s that he talks about it in public. Of course, that tendency is also evident at events like the Boston anti-porn conference “Stop Porn Culture”—featuring one of Maymay’s critics from CAT—held the same day as KinkForAll.

Two days later, several of the same activists gather for a Capitol Hill briefing called “Porn Harms.” “The last thing I want to do, people, is talk about porn,” says speaker Shelley Lubben, an activist who lists “ex porn star” among the qualifications on her hot-pink business card.

But that’s just what Lubben does, offering a degree of detail that goes beyond anything at KinkForAll. “I have been hit, spit on, penetrated everywhere you can imagine, told to sit still or pose still while every orifice of my body and hands are engaging five to six male performers,” says Lubben, who performed from 1994 to 1995 in such titles as Roxy: A Gang Bang Fantasy and Beaver Hunt Video 2. “I’ve been totally humiliated on the set, where they had to stop the scene when I didn’t even know what was going on, and they had to wipe up feces.”

When it comes to anti-porn activism, sex sells. At the briefing, Wheelock College professor Gail Dines becomes perhaps the first person to utter the words “cum dumpster” at a Capitol Hill press event. Over the past 20 years, Dines has made a living observing such degradations. As the crowd picks at fruit plates, she rattles off a selection of titles she’s researched, such as Anally Ripped Whores and Gag on My Cock.

Where Maymay displays spreadsheets, the porn critics on Capitol Hill show pictures. “What do you think of when you think of the term ‘watersports?’” asks Donna Rice Hughes, president of online-safety organization Enough Is Enough, displaying a blurred photo that made it clear she doesn’t mean aquatic ballet. (Watersports of a different sort made Hughes famous: When she was just Donna Rice, a photo of her yachting with Gary Hart helped derail his presidential bid. In 1994, she began campaigning against the hard stuff.)

Adult pornographic images, the presenters say, could send viewers down a “slippery slope” to child pornography; they can also encourage young adults to identify with the porn participants. Pediatrician Sharon Cooper shows an illustration of a stick-figure viewing a photograph of a couple presumably having sex—and then imagining its own stick-figure head atop one of the fornicators’ bodies.

Years of anti-porn advocacy haven’t exactly banished the stuff. And “Porn Harms” isn’t pushing some new policy effort. Rather, the activists just want existing laws—which some believe give authorities the power to stamp out porn—to be enforced. But, like any advocates, they need attention to make headway.

If KinkForAll and “Porn Harms” have one thing in common, it’s an obsession with airing taboos. The porn bashers, like the kink educators, quickly upload videos of their day of speeches, placing the content just a Google search away from kids. Dines’ lecture in particular reads like a road map to hard-core porn consumption: “If you go to Gagfactor.com, you’ll see a 20-second clip of a scene with a young woman they call Scarlett.” The “clip opens with Scarlett sitting on a toilet, having a penis thrust down her throat, while the man attached to the penis pulls her head back and forward.”

The audience nods politely, their hands folded over the crotches of their khakis. Given the ubiquity of Internet porn, it’s hard to say whether the young staffers are horrified by the exercise—or just busy imagining themselves as the man attached to that penis.

Photos by Darrow Montgomery

Worried that tomorrow's Capital Pride Parade won't be enough sex-and-gender related activity for one day? Pass the time before and after with an ad-hoc sexuality conference by day, and gay balloon dinos on stilts by night:

BEFORE: Kink-For-All Washington D.C. 2, an "unconference" "about the intersection of sexuality with the rest of life." The first D.C. Kink-For-All sailed on Nov. 21, 2009 (you can watch videos of some of the sessions here); the next iteration will be held throughout the day tomorrow. The conference is free for all to attend, but there are rules. Oh: and RSVP here.

Kink-For-All Washington D.C. 2
Saturday, June 12, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.
The DC Center
1810 14th Street NW
Free

AFTER:

"Homo Erectus: The Evolution of Pride," a BYT-sponsored, caveperson-themed, Capital-Pride-ending party featuring an eight-foot T-Rex Ice Luge. Need I say more? OK: There's also a balloon dinosaur outfit on stilts. And an erupting DJ volcano booth. 21+ RSVP here.

Homo Erectus: The Evolution of Pride
Saturday, June 12 at 9 p.m. to 2 a.m.
Washington Hilton
1919 Connecticut Ave. NW
$25 (pre-sale)

But isn't the impressive public concern over sexualizing young girls outweighed by the fact that most people seem to truly enjoy watching these videos until they go viral—even if they then turn around to condemn the inappropriateness?

As Sady Doyle wrote in this very space, on the Important Cultural Issue of How People Generally Regard Miley Cyrus:

A lot of it was just grown men (and women) being all, “I’m afraid this might turn me on! And I’m scared!” And, yeah, you ought notta be eroticizing the teenagers. But constantly monitoring this one specific female teenager to determine whether she’s inappropriately sexy is, like . . . Not that much less creepy?

I think young women’s sexuality is often put in that place of overtly well-meaning, covertly creepy monitoring. Like, we’re SO OBSESSED with young women not being sexual (which they really usually are) that we constantly evaluate how sexual they are. And then there’s all the teen-eroticizing that takes place ANYWAY, because it’s so taboo. And the result is Britney, America’s #1 Virgin, dancing in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit, and later sort of cracking under the weight of how VERY many contradictions she was expected to represent.

Of course, there's a world of difference between what's deemed culturally appropriate for 17-year-old Cyrus and these 7-year-old dancers. But the monitoring of these girls is no less creepy, and their young age actually makes the fervor over the display even more suspect.

At some point, the outrage over the suggestive costuming and dance moves is just a convenient narrative for us to facilitate the distribution of the video to more gawkers. Somehow, those who had a hand in making the video are either exploited (the dancers) or sick (the parents and choreographers), but everyone who keeps watching the video (and forwarding it, and re-posting it on their blogs) are—what? Performing the valuable service of informing the world what displays are appropriate and inappropriate for young girls to parrot? Please.

I'm not writing this to throw stones—I re-posted the "Single Ladies" video on this blog, and I've watched it more than once. I'm writing it because I know as well as anyone that as much as this is about taking a stand for our nation's girls, it's also about the spectacle of watching a group of 7-year-olds dancing sexy. Somehow, my faith in humanity has not been restored.

We're in the middle of the worst recession in our lifetimes. The state of Maryland is hanging at a 7.2 percent unemployment rate. And one Maryland employer has found a silver lining in the desperation of his countrymen: The potential for hiring a total babe.

Last week, an area job seeker alerted me to this Craigslist ad for an office assistant job at a Rockville, Md. automotive repair company. Necessary qualifications: Sexy "gal" who knows how to "take direction." Unessential: Actual knowledge of cars.

Here's the ad (it's since been flagged for removal):

I am seeking an attractive self motivated, mature, detail oriented female with good computer and telephone skills to help me run my business. This is a full time position with full company benefits. Knowledge of the Automotive Repair business is a plus, but not essential to performing the requirements of this position, however a good sense of humor is. I need a gal that is confident with her sexuality and does not mind working around a bunch of guys. This is a very fast paced business so I need a gal that can think fast on her feet take a proper message and take direction and do what is needed of her. This job is not for everyone, I need a gal that can interact well with the general public and handle a large volume of incomming calls on a day to day basis. A good clear voice and good communication skills are essential to this position. Reply with resume and photo if available to this post, I like to have a face to go with a name. If you think you can keep up with me and our work environment then I want to hear from you.

Seeing as this job ad alone blatantly defies Montgomery County human rights law, which specifies (and I'm paraphrasing here) that you cannot exclusively hire hot chicks on the basis of their glamor shots. This employer better hope his new hire isn't too confident in her sexuality. She may just end up suing his ass.

Last week, Montgomery County high schoolers brought home an extra special science lesson with their report cards: A flier from Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays (PFOX) informing parents that their gay kids don't have to stay that way.

The flier, which claimed to be in the business of promoting "diversity for the ex-gay community," contained a series of "scientific" ruminations on human sexuality. It's all good, but this is my favorite part (emphasis mine):

According to mainstream psychological associations, there are no replicated scientific studies to support that a person can be born "gay." No "gay gene" or gay center of the brain has been found. No medical test exists to determine if a person is homosexual. Sexual orientation is based on feelings and is a matter of self-affirmation and public declaration.

The gay center of the brain: The final frontier.

So, while the world's most brilliant scientists are busy mining the deepest recesses of gay brains in search of that elusive chocolaty center, I've got a related question for PFOX: How many real, live ex-gay people has PFOX discovered at this point?

PFOX claims that the ex-gay community grows by the thousands each year. But last time I checked, PFOX's ranks were overflowing with "everstraights"—heteros who say they have never been gay, not even once in college—and positively hurting for members who had really, truly successfully prayed the gay away. I can only conclude that the world's ex-gays are all on a very long vacation to somewhere just out of our reach—the gay center of the brain, perhaps!—sipping on Mai Tais and having enthusiastic heterosexual sex with their spouses, far away from the uncomfortable glare of scientific fact.

—

Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX) promotes diversity for the ex-gay community. Ex-gays demonstrate that those with unwanted same-sex attractions can seek help and information on overcoming their feelings. All individuals deserve the right to self-determination and happiness based on their own needs, and not on the needs of others. PFOX supports tolerance for everyone regardless of sexual orientation.

PFOX can provide: resources for parents and students, ex-gay speakers for your school or club, books for your school library, and brochures on same-sex attractions, bullying and tolerance.

Who are ex-gays?

Every year thousands of people with unwanted same-sex attractions make the personal decision to leave a gay identity through gender affirming programs, including therapy, faith based ministries, and other non-judgmental environments. Their decision is one only they can make. However, there are those in society who refuse to respect an individual's right to self-determination. Consequently, formerly gay men and women are subjected to verbal and physical attacks simply because they dare to exist. Ex-gays and their supporters are denied equal access and support, forcing them to remain silent for fear of negative reactions and disapproval, while gays are affirmed for their decision to come out as gay. Former homosexuals do not think something is wrong with them because they decided to fulfill their heterosexual potential by overcoming unwanted same-sex attractions.

But aren't some people born "gay"?

According to mainstream psychological associations, there are no replicated scientific studies to support that a person can be born "gay." No "gay gene" or gay center of the brain has been found. No medical test exists to determine if a person is homosexual. Sexual orientation is based on feelings and is a matter of self-affirmation and public declaration.

If only one part of you has gay feelings, should your whole life be gay identified?

Many people would agree that just because one part of you feels a certain way, it doesn't mean you entire identity is that way. Having feelings of same-sex attraction may make you feel different. We all feel the need to fit in and be accepted. But no one should identify themselves based on sexual feelings alone,. There is more to your identity than your sexual attractions. Thousands of ex-gay men and women had those very same feelings when they were in school. You may have heard, "You must be gay!" But no one should be labeled based on the perception of others. Get smart! Explore the origins of your same-sex attractions. Why do I have these feelings? Where did they come from? The decision of a prom date, a car, or whether to super-size those fries can be based on a feeling, but important decisions should not be made on feelings alone. In order to make an educated decision, you have to be informed! Sexuality develops over time. It is not necessary to label yourself today.

Find out more at www.pfox.org !!!

(These materials are neither sponsored nor endorsed by the Board of Education of Montgomery County, the superintendent, or this school.)

Illustration by Robert Ullman.

Teachers occupy an interesting gender space in the mainstream media. As institutional caretakers of the young, teachers—male and female—are often cast into a mothering role. And like mothers', the sexuality of teachers is thoroughly socially policed.

Media gawkers are both fascinated and horrified by the sexuality of teachers. Like mothers, teachers are expected to remain publicly nonsexual—and when they're not, their sexuality is fetishized. (See: pornography's teacher-student fantasy; MILFs).

Often, the horror part is for good reason—in the case of student sex abuse allegations, for example. However, the the fascination part often extends far beyond sex crimes. A current search for "teacher" in Google News turns up as many sex-related teacher pieces as it does educational inquiries (also popular: dead or dying teachers). Are all of these cases really that bad? Or does the occupation of "teacher" guarantee another level of juiciness in the story?

REALLY BAD: The Hutchington, Kansas High School basketball coach sentenced to one year of "community corrections" for having sex with a 16-year-old female student.

PRETTY BAD, BUT ACCIDENTAL: The teacher who unintentionally spliced six seconds of the teacher performing a sex act into her elementary-age students' homework DVD, then called each household asking that the evidence be returned or destroyed.

NOT THAT BAD—HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK THOUGH—AND ACTUALLY WORKED!: The West Yorkshire High School teacher suspended for using a self-penned "racy" novel—including "underage drinking, hints of drug use and 'pupil fantasies'"—to entice her male 15 and 16-year-old students to read. The novel was later discovered on the Internet.

TERRIBLE, BUT NOT EVEN A TEACHER ANYMORE: The former Physical Education teacher in Birchington, Kent found guilty of running a brothel.

MEH: The teachers who "friend" their students on Facebook.

FEELING REALLY BAD FOR THIS GUY RIGHT NOW: The teacher who intentionally mock-married a fourth-grade student in a "brief playground ceremony" complete with "graduation gown and a clown tie" for the adult groom and a "sheet" gown for the prepubescent bride. The educator has since fallen "sick with regret" over the incident.

Photo by ne*

The woman, who arrived at the bar alone, is "fascinated by human sexuality," she tells me. Sure, she's got theories. "Some of my ideas are pretty radical," she insists, before flagging the bartender for another Pink Slip.

Two sex tips from a drunk person, after the jump.

ONE. What if human sexual attraction were not based upon pheromones, genetics, or parental issues, but rather "completely mundane things that we don't even realize?"

Say you're really into scuba diving. You feel at home in the water. Always liked aquariums. Did you ever think that the reason you are attracted to that guy with a large mouth, wide nose, and the oily skin, is because he looks like fish? Think about it.

TWO. What if human sexual attraction were not based upon pheromones, genetics, parental issues, or marine life, but rather upon the feminine or masculine qualities of one's teeth?

Say you're really attracted to very feminine people. Perhaps the reason you like the guy with the rippling abs, the deep voice, and the Joe Biden sensibility is because, beneath it all, he has really girly teeth?

Or say you're the more masculine type. Perhaps you still harbor an attraction to Tom Cruise—even knowing what we all know—because of his extremely pronounced cuspids?

Try it out next time you're on the prowl. First, check out your cuspids—the longer, pointy ones toward the outsides of your smile. If you look like a vampire, you're masculine. If your teeth appear more generically human, you're feminine.

First, zero in on a target with the appropriately gendered teeth, depending on your sexual interest. Now, approach them and start a conversation. Maybe you could discuss with them your radical theories on human sexuality; whatever. Just make sure to keep your teeth hidden beneath your upper lip, the palm of your hand, or a medical mask. Once things have progressed to pleasant conversation, reveal your teeth to your potential mate—preferably, dramatically. If things go well from there, your dental make-up is likely in line with your target's gendered attraction. If your teeth bomb, it was never meant to be.

Have you received a sex tip from a drunk person? Submit their insights to the Sexist.

Photo by pink sherbet photography

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Above, learn the meaning of phrases like!:

"Es necesario usar condon para evitar enfermedades contagiosas"

"La virginidad ya no es mas un valor"

and my personal favorite:

"Decidio que un aborto solucionaria sus problemas."

BONUS: One phrase is translated, "Freud invented the concept of Pennis envy."

Is Haggard taking a progressive stance here in asserting that dividing the spectrum of sexuality into two opposing camps (heterosexual; homosexual) serves only to condemn those members we deem to be "deviant," and repress all others into sexual conformity? Or does he just not want to admit that he might be gay?

Local blogger Band of Thebes thinks something's missing in The National Gallery of Art's new exhibition, "Pompeii and the Roman Villa": Gay men. "The first ever Roman exhibit at the National Gallery in Washington is indeed a convincing trip back in time: to the McCarthy era," writes Thebes, who takes issue with the lack of context in the show, which fails to acknowledge Roman sexuality.

The wan written commentary seems designed to reinforce what viewers already believe rather than educate them about what they don't know. Many, many artifacts have no commentary at all. Although the show's subtitle specifically promises the culture of the ancient world, nowhere do the curators acknowledge the prevalence of same-sex relationships. The exhibit is packed with male subjects who exclusively or enthusiastically loved men, yet this aspect of their lives is whitewashed: Plato, Alexander the Great, Epicurus, Julius Caesar, Caligula, Nero, and Achilles.

My favorite line in the post: "Is the enormous painting above Vesuvius erupting or my mind exploding?"

Photo of "Vesuvius from Portici" by Joseph Wright of Derby courtesy of brewbooks