"Seven or Better" is a new online dating site for women and men interested in meeting men with penises that are confirmed to be seven inches or longer (the site doesn't clarify, but I'm assuming we're talking erect). "Hello ladies," the Web site begins. "Wouldn't it be nice to know upfront if a man has what it takes to satisfy you sexually?"

No. But go on:

For men interested in women, it is quite easy to see if the woman's breast size is to his liking or not, or even the shape and size of her derriere. The same goes for women interested in men. There are many women that feel the size of a man's penis is very important to them. Unfortunately, because of how society is, it is very inappropriate to ask a man immediately how big his penis is or even if he is uncircumcised or not. A properly behaved woman that is respectful would never ask such a question. Instead, a woman will date a man perhaps for a few days, weeks or maybe months. After all this time the woman will decide she likes the man and that it is finally time to take things to a new level/the bedroom. It is at this time that many women are disappointed with what they find and now they are in an awkward situation.

Isn't society just terrible? A "properly behaved woman" who is only interested in men with huge penises may have to wait months—months!—before figuring out that the man that she has spent months falling in love with has been hiding a dick that's slightly too small to deserve that love. Now, with Seven or Better, that woman can know from the first date the exact dimensions of that penis she doesn't want to see yet.

This is only fair, seeing as men know immediately and exactly the size of a woman's breasts—a measurement that can never be hidden, covered up, padded, or surgically augmented. Now, women, too, can have their potential sex partners flaunt their size before they even have to meet for coffee. But remember guys, this is a dating site for women, not a porn site for exhibitionist dudes. Men are encouraged to reveal their penis size in a completely friendly, non-pervy context, alongside their other attributes, like how smart they are or whatever.

But there's more. In accordance (I'm assuming) with anti-discrimination policies, those who become members of Seven or Better include: Men with penises 7" or longer looking for women, women looking for men with penises 7" or longer, men with penises 7" or longer looking for men with penises 7" or longer, or women looking for women. Yes, Seven or Better welcomes all, except for men with penises shorter—excuse me, worse—than 7" long.

So—are these women-looking-for-women looking for women who are looking for men with penises 7" or longer? Or are they simply signaling an interest in 7" or longer penis-shaped sex toys? I didn't finish the registration process—perhaps I was afraid of what I would find—so I don't know if any lesbians have signed up here yet. If anyone out there is an, ahem, member, I'd be interested in learning what might intrigue lesbians in this big dick business.

Photo by Maui in Vermont

Well, Matt Roberts, President and Founder of mytinge.com—and maker of the Tinge vibrating razor—has got me. "Our records indicate you have never purchased this or requested a press sample for review," he writes. "If you had you’d know there is no danger with our product at all as it cannot be used as a razor and vibrator simultaneously" (demonstration above).

I'll admit it: I have never masturbated myself with a razor.

The Tinge-fomercial is indeed eye-opening.What's creepier—that the Tinge razor is designed discretely so as to "finally allow all of us to keep a fabulous adult toy right under their ["your kids'"] noses," or that Roberts keeps a master list of every human who owns one?

If the vibrating razor rubbed you the wrong way, perhaps this attempt to spice up the act of shaving your vagina will be more up your alley. Probably not, though, because it's pretty racist. It also implicates the house cat in ways I'm not entirely comfortable with.

This ad for the "Wilkinson Sword Quattro for Women Bikini"—a razor/trimmer duo—turns pubic hair shaving into a rousing gardening ditty, complete with racially-informed stereotypes about female sexuality and cruelty to animals!

So, the black woman's bush is big (wink), the Asian lady's bush is small (tee-hee), and by the end, the pussycat (oh, the subtelty) is completely hairless. Women of all races and vaginal styles spend their time enthusiastically grooming a slutty suburban wonderland that recalls Stepford, but with shorter skirts. I think the thing to take away here is that no matter how hairy your vagina is (if you're unsure, review the ethnic rubric above), just get rid of the damn thing, seriously. Also, make me a sandwich.

This ad comes recommended by the creepy dude who watched the whole thing over my shoulder while I was blogging about it in a coffee shop. He especially liked the pussy.

Daily Candy is an e-mail service that sends sassy, glowing, and thoroughly useless advertorials to your inbox each morning. For reasons even I cannot comprehend, I subscribe to this service, only to methodically delete each morning e-mail without reading it.

Some Daily Candy subscribers who are more dedicated than I brought this recent ad to my attention: It's for "Tinge, the first (and, we’re pretty sure, only) razor-slash-vibrator!"

The product is so ridiculous that it manages to stretch the bullshit capabilities of even the Daily Candy team:

Have you ever been in the shower, shaving your legs, when you started to get turned on? Didn’t you wish that trusty razor of yours could satisfy more sensual needs?

Now it can with the Tinge, the first (and, we’re pretty sure, only) razor-slash-vibrator! Yes. Really.

The Tinge may look like an ordinary shaver, but just throw on the cap and voila—party time! Finally, you can remove unwanted stubble and get off with a single device.

But wait, there’s more: The Tinge has a whopping 32 different speed/mode combinations for your pleasure, and it’s water resistant, so you can get freaky in the bathtub.

At first, I assumed this was some bizarre April Fools prank. But no: The Tinge is real, and its creators really do want you to shove a razor up your vagina. Daily Candy,

A new sex shop has opened up on King Street in Old Town Alexandria, and ABC News is simply shocked!

"With its cobblestone streets and row houses, Old Town Alexandria, Va., is known for quaint colonial charm," write reporters David Wright and Jenna Mucha, before immediately shattering their idyllic tableau: "The newest boutique on King Street, then, tends to stop people in their tracks. La Tache sells unique adult novelty items"—such as lingerie, lotions, and sex toys, oh my.

Lotion and cobblestone? It can never be!

If this is such a Big Fucking Deal, why is it that Wright and Mucha the only ones who seem to care about this clashing-of-worlds? The two Old Town residents ABC News could find to interview—anonymously!—about this frightening new retail trend appeared to not give a shit. At all:

But the really interesting part is that in Old Town, the neighbors don't really seem to mind.

"It's certainly different. As long as it doesn't attract undesirable people," said one resident.

Another who lives nearby said she doesn't mind, "as Queen Victoria said, as long as it doesn't startle the horses."

Wait a second—that's the interesting part? That nobody cares? And that the suggestion that anybody did care was purely an invention of ABC News? More interesting, I think, is that between two news reporters, nobody could get "a resident" to say a quote as inflammatory as "It's certainly different" on the fucking record.

Photo by Afghan LORD.