“Seven or Better” is a new online dating site for women and men interested in meeting men with penises that are confirmed to be seven inches or longer (the site doesn’t clarify, but I’m assuming we’re talking erect). “Hello ladies,” the Web site begins. “Wouldn’t it be nice to know upfront if a man has what it takes to satisfy you sexually?”

No. But go on:

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Well, Matt Roberts, President and Founder of mytinge.com—and maker of the Tinge vibrating razor—has got me. “Our records indicate you have never purchased this or requested a press sample for review,” he writes. “If you had you’d know there is no danger with our product at all as it cannot be used as a razor and vibrator simultaneously” (demonstration above).

I’ll admit it: I have never masturbated myself with a razor.

The Tinge-fomercial is indeed eye-opening.What’s creepier—that the Tinge razor is designed discretely so as to “finally allow all of us to keep a fabulous adult toy right under their ["your kids'"] noses,” or that Roberts keeps a master list of every human who owns one?

If the vibrating razor rubbed you the wrong way, perhaps this attempt to spice up the act of shaving your vagina will be more up your alley. Probably not, though, because it’s pretty racist. It also implicates the house cat in ways I’m not entirely comfortable with.

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The “Tinge” vibrating razor (artist’s rendering)

Daily Candy is an e-mail service that sends sassy, glowing, and thoroughly useless advertorials to your inbox each morning. For reasons even I cannot comprehend, I subscribe to this service, only to methodically delete each morning e-mail without reading it.

Some Daily Candy subscribers who are more dedicated than I brought this recent ad to my attention: It’s for “Tinge, the first (and, we’re pretty sure, only) razor-slash-vibrator!”

The product is so ridiculous that it manages to stretch the bullshit capabilities of even the Daily Candy team:

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Nobody caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaares

A new sex shop has opened up on King Street in Old Town Alexandria, and ABC News is simply shocked!

“With its cobblestone streets and row houses, Old Town Alexandria, Va., is known for quaint colonial charm,” write reporters David Wright and Jenna Mucha, before immediately shattering their idyllic tableau: “The newest boutique on King Street, then, tends to stop people in their tracks. La Tache sells unique adult novelty items”—such as lingerie, lotions, and sex toys, oh my.

Lotion and cobblestone? It can never be!

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