The Sexist will be out for the holiday weekend tomorrow, so I leave you with last week’s greatest hits. What better way to celebrate America’s birthday than reading a bunch of random shit about sex on the Internet?

1. This Week in Sexist History: Girls, Girls, Girls Edition, an indulgence in olde-tyme sports writing. I say it’s sexist! Commenter says it isn’t! Steve Silver says it’s “interesting how it has to be explained to some readers 100 years later that an article published 100 years ago describing women purely as objects for men’s pleasure is sexist.”

2. Teen Sex Scandal!, in which I put the feminist linkbait-and-switch theory to work.

3. Big Penis Site Reveals Inches Before First Date, in which 7orbetter.com has more longevity than I gave it credit for.

4. Disney’s Closeted Gay Agenda, in which High School Musical debunks all theories about Disney promoting heterosexuality.

5. Sex Tips From Drunk People, in which I pledge to do more research in this area over the holiday, and I encourage you to do the same! E-mail your drunk sex insights to ahess@washingtoncitypaper.com.

Photo by Misserion

The woman, who arrived at the bar alone, is “fascinated by human sexuality,” she tells me. Sure, she’s got theories. “Some of my ideas are pretty radical,” she insists, before flagging the bartender for another Pink Slip.

Two sex tips from a drunk person, after the jump.

ONE. What if human sexual attraction were not based upon pheromones, genetics, or parental issues, but rather “completely mundane things that we don’t even realize?”

Say you’re really into scuba diving. You feel at home in the water. Always liked aquariums. Did you ever think that the reason you are attracted to that guy with a large mouth, wide nose, and the oily skin, is because he looks like fish? Think about it.

TWO. What if human sexual attraction were not based upon pheromones, genetics, parental issues, or marine life, but rather upon the feminine or masculine qualities of one’s teeth?

Say you’re really attracted to very feminine people. Perhaps the reason you like the guy with the rippling abs, the deep voice, and the Joe Biden sensibility is because, beneath it all, he has really girly teeth?

Or say you’re the more masculine type. Perhaps you still harbor an attraction to Tom Cruise—even knowing what we all know—because of his extremely pronounced cuspids?

Try it out next time you’re on the prowl. First, check out your cuspids—the longer, pointy ones toward the outsides of your smile. If you look like a vampire, you’re masculine. If your teeth appear more generically human, you’re feminine.

First, zero in on a target with the appropriately gendered teeth, depending on your sexual interest. Now, approach them and start a conversation. Maybe you could discuss with them your radical theories on human sexuality; whatever. Just make sure to keep your teeth hidden beneath your upper lip, the palm of your hand, or a medical mask. Once things have progressed to pleasant conversation, reveal your teeth to your potential mate—preferably, dramatically. If things go well from there, your dental make-up is likely in line with your target’s gendered attraction. If your teeth bomb, it was never meant to be.

Have you received a sex tip from a drunk person? Submit their insights to the Sexist.

Photo by pink sherbet photography