This week: How to erase your relationship doubts by conforming to stilted gender roles; Buster Darkhole is MIA; college students are getting relationship inspiration from The First Wives Club soundtrack. This time with feeling:

UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND: Girls must be girls.

Sex Tips: In a post-Valentines entry, UMD Diamondback advice columnist Esti Frischling administers a remedy to a female student who is concerned that her new beau is getting a bit too sweet on her (his super-serious Valentine's Day plans "freaked [her] out." Frischling's advice: In order to foster romance, ignore your obvious incompatibility, shelve your feelings, and stick to reinforcing traditional gender roles. "To be honest, I very rarely hear of girls complaining about getting too much attention," Frischling writes. "What is appealing about all these niceties and cutenesses, though, is it means someone cares about you. . . .  Perhaps it’s best not to say anything about how you don’t approve of his Valentine’s Day efforts. Instead, slow things down in other ways that won’t reveal to him how picky and alternative you are. If Hallmark has taught us anything, it’s that no one wants those things in a girl."

Life Lesson: A man doesn't like a complicated woman. Who cares if you don't even like him, either? "However you choose to handle it, don’t make him feel bad or insecure about trying to do nice things for you," Frischling writes. "It’s completely understandable that at this time it was too much for you, but unless you want to scare him away, just let it go."

Progressive Meter: And there's nothing worse than scaring away a guy who freaks you out, amirite ladies? :(

AMERICAN UNIVERSITY: Sex columnists are MIA.

Sex Tips: None. The AU Eagle's trio of pseudonymned sex writers—Buster Darkhole, Maxwell Hillcrest, and Amber Sparkles haven't churned out a column since "Stereotypes a Problem for Lesbian Community," a piece which caused some problems for the lesbian community on campus, actually. (A sampling: “Many try and divulge the deep mystery that is lesbian sex. However, this is often met with much difficulty. Lesbians, being quite secretive, rarely give out the methods they use for sex, but we have done the research for you and found out some interesting facts.”)

Life Lesson: Sometimes better to burn out than to fade away. The "AU Threesome" started off their sex-writing careers with a vaguely non-consensual bang back in September, and they've kept up the controversy since—until they fell off the Eagle's map three-and-a-half months ago.

Progressive Meter: This one gets a big frowny face, because I miss these kids. :(

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY: Bette Midler is on the soundtrack to our lives.

Sex Tips: In Hoya "Rounding the Bases" columnist Colleen Leahey's latest, undergrads are advised to avoid festering in "pseudo-relationships" that lie in the gray area between hooking up and exchanging Varsity letterman jackets. Leahey sketches the scene: "After many weeks (sometimes even months) of being together, you and your partner have yet to go on a real date. Many nights, your special friend has a bit too much Burnett’s and passes out, leaving your texts annoyingly unanswered. But when you’re together, everything is perfect. Suddenly, the good outweighs the bad. This, my friends, is another—and the most common for college students—example of when you should leave. Your optimism, hoping to make something good out of a total train wreck, is causing you to trap yourself in an unhealthy relationship. Stay too long and you will end up feeling insecure and unhappy."

Life Lesson: If you suspect that Leahey is writing from a bit of an old-school perspective—beware the Dangers Of Hook-Up culture!— here's some more evidence: "Eventually, you will realize how much happier you are. As great as consistency is, enjoying you’re freedom is so much more fulfilling. And if you’re ever feeling really down, take a tip from my friends and I: Blast The First Wives Club version of 'You Don’t Own Me.' Trust me, you’ll be basking in the golden rays of your newfound singledom before you know it."

Progressive Meter: The First Wives Club is a film about three sassy, middle-aged divorcees who exact revenge on their ex-husbands after they are all discarded for younger women. Is it just me, or is it kind of freaky that a sex column for young people is gleaning relationship inspiration from a movie about cliched, messy divorces caused by hopelessly cliched young women? :-|

Welcome back from Winter Break, sexually active college students (and old people wondering what those darned kids are up to these days)! The battle for ideological dominance in our nation’s capital’s collegiate sex columns continues. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of pretending that sexual orientation is just a "phase."

This week: When you're fucking a guy named "Dirty Jersey," and he doesn't want to wear a condom; how to stop being friends and start getting laid; is bisexuality the new black?

HOWARD UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tips: in "Is Bisexuality the New Black?", Aaron Randol surveys Howard University students about this crazy new "trend." "Is college a catalyst for bisexual behavior? And if so, does this mean bisexuality is nothing more than a trend, the new black?" Randol writes. "The notion that bisexuality in college is just a trend proves controversial for[one bisexual man]; as he, like many others, have had feelings towards both sexes before college."

Life Lessons: One of Randol's classmates describes the campus male bisexuality epidemic: "I am positive more guys at Howard than girls are trying bisexuality. Less than 5 percent of the girls that I know of here are trying or have tried it, but I’d say 50 percent of my guy friends have tried. I don’t know if it’s Howard or if it’s how people are leaning in general. But it seems like here, 1 in 3 guys are gay or bisexual. It’s not even weird to hear a guy is gay or bisexual at Howard any more.”

Progressive Meter: After setting up the trendy bisexual straw man argument, Randol is ready to smack down that particular theory. Let's hear it, Randol! "So is bisexuality the new black, nothing more than a trend, a staple on the public scene?" he concludes: "Maybe not." Bleh. ZERO.

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tips: Georgetown Hoya dating columnist Colleen Leahey reflects on the Swiftian nature of her romantic life. Taylor Swiftian."The entire situation was straight out of a silly Taylor Swift song: I had a thing for my best guy friend. While he dated various girls, I put myself in the friend zone, giving him advice and being there when he needed to vent to someone," she writes. "Secretly, though, I was hoping he would realize that I was the one he truly liked."

Life Lessons: Refreshingly, Leahey combats this trademark Swiftian passivity by advising unrequited lovers how to step up and do something about it. "So, this new year, if you’re finally ready to admit to your inner desires, then do be more aggressive with your feelings," she writes. "Go with your impulse; if you think there’s a spark and it’s not one-sided, make a move. . . . Don’t overanalyze or freak your friend out, but you do have to make a slight effort if you want something to actually happen (unless you’re trying to be the next victim of the T. Swift syndrome)."

Progressive Meter: Slight effort! What can I say, I'm a sucker for refusing to fall victim to the T. Swift Syndrome. SEVEN.

GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: Hatchet sex columnist Layla admits she's done it without a condom—with a guy she calls "Dirty Jersey." "Since [the first night we had sex], despite his protests, I insisted on a condom every time like I knew I should," Layla writes. But that didn't last: "Somewhere during the next five or six times we had sex, my resolve dissolved. I went from being adamant about using protection, to making Dirty Jersey pull out to get a condom, to finally staying quiet about it. Part of me hoped that he would catch on to my desire to use a condom, but he never did. To be perfectly honest, it felt amazing without it and it was just as much my fault as it was his."

Life Lessons: Fuck that guy! "I may be guilty of condom-use abuse in the past, but now, I am most definitely reformed," Layla writes. "It also helps that I'm not dating Dirty Jersey anymore."

Progressive Meter: What does strapping on a rubber say about your politics? According to Margaret Talbot's "Red Sex, Blue Sex," teen pregnancy is higher and condom use lower in this country's red states. So we'll count this prophylactic flip-flopper as a moderate. Feminist bonus: She ditched a guy who clearly didn't give a shit about what she wanted in the bedroom. Too bad she softens that with a healthy dose of self-blame.  FIVE.

photo via nerdcoregirl, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

The battle for ideological dominance in our nation’s capital’s collegiate sex columns continues. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of ice cream sundaes, hand-holding, and offensive lesbian stereotypes?

This week: When fuck-buddies stop fucking; exploring the "mystery" of lesbian sex; parsing the appeal of the "holiday honey."

THE GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: GWU Hatchet sex columnist Layla is breaking up with her fuck-buddy, "007." The new development helps Layla realize that sex with 007 was just filling another void. "Amidst flashbacks of all of the ways he could make me shiver, I realized that 007 and I tend to fall back into our pattern of hooking up when we're trying to get over particularly bad breakups," she writes. "After a messy breakup, it was always easy to go from innocently hanging out with 007 in his basement, to going down on him."

Life Lesson: Fucking is not as powerful as Facebook. "One of my friends says the best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one . . . At the end of the day, however, the feeling of 007's hands all over me didn't entirely replace the tactile memories I had formed of hookups with my ex," she writes. "I still had to get over my ex using the tried-and-true method of time and patience, not to mention hiding his updates on my Facebook news feed."

Progressive Meter: Layla has sex with dudes she has no interest in dating, and they're both adults about it. Great! I just hope 007 was going down on you, too. Seven.

AMERICAN UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: This time around, AU's anonymous threesome employs a fourth wheel, Beaver McRugmuncher, to help the trio deal with the subject of—guess!—"the phenomena of lesbians." Yes! I have been waiting all semester to hear Buster Darkhole's theories on lesbians! Go on: "Many try and divulge the deep mystery that is lesbian sex. However, this is often met with much difficulty. Lesbians, being quite secretive, rarely give out the methods they use for sex, but we have done the research for you and found out some interesting facts," they write. "Everyone inevitably thinks of scissoring when they think of lesbians. However, from what we have heard, lesbians do not actually do this."

Life Lesson: "Rule number one: don’t piss off a lesbian. They are naturally born with the ability to kick your ass." Umm . . . too late!

Progressive Meter: Let's see here. We're debunking some stereotypes (lesbians rush into relationships) while creating some others (lesbians will "kick your ass"). We're erasing some common fantasies ("everyone inevitably thinks of scissoring when they think of lesbians") and replacing them with some . . . less-common ones (lesbian sex "is like a Jell-O shot: first, you get your finger in to loosen it up, then place your mouth around it to get at the goods.") At the same time, we're reminding everyone that "lesbians are more than just Jell-O shots at parties." Color me confused! Two points. I guess.

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: Hoya sex columnist Colleen Leahey introduces me to a couple of new relationship terms: "Holiday Honey" and "DFMO." Leahey got "Holiday Honey" from her mom: "My mom began using it several years ago, when my older sister was a freshman in college. Every break (Columbus Day, Thanksgiving, Winter, et cetera), Kelly and her high school boyfriend would rekindle their flame for several days, then let it fizzle when they returned to their respective schools." God knows where DFMO came from, but it stands for "Dance-floor make-out." According to Urban Dictionary: "Most of the time a DFMO is voluntary, but they can also occur when a drunkard grabs your face and starts making sweet sweet love to it."

Life Lessons: Holiday Honeys "knew you before you went to keggers and made out on the dance floor with several other partygoers in a night. They evoke a general innocence in you, a quality that can seem lost in the throes of chaotic college events. When with them, you’re reminded of corsages, ice cream dates and movies you never actually watched," Leahey writes. "The nostalgia associated with an old flame is extremely comforting."

Progressive Meter: Side-note: I think name-checking your mom in a sex column is really sweet. Too bad she's invoked to make the argument that relationships were so much better in the good old days of the 1950's high school. Four.

Photo by State Library of Queenstown, Australia

The fight for ideological dominance of D.C.’s college sex column “movement” rages on. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of valiant male chivalry—only drunker? This week: G.W. student fucks Marine; UMD students are bitches, dicks, or pussies; American University issues a Very Special sex column. It must be sweeps week:

GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tips: In Layla's latest heterosexual female romp, G.W.'s resident sex columnist extols upon the virtues of fucking servicemen. She also floats a revised idea of traditional courtship: Men are still confined to the rules of chivalry, but everyone gets drunk and you can do it whenever you feel like it. "Leaning against the bar, I spotted Prince Charming, an incredibly sexy combination of chivalry and a hint of danger, walking down the stairs," she writes of a random Marine she spots while sitting alone, "double fisting" drinks at the bar. "Having stubbornly worn my three-inch heels, I literally stumbled into his arms and swooned at how valiantly and easily he caught me. In my opinion, there is nothing sexier than a man with an accent, especially if its southern and he happens to call me ma'am." They decide to get it on. "Prince Charming grinned and pulled out an umbrella, proving that even in the face of a certain hookup, chivalry is not dead."

Life Lesson: Layla insists there is "something scandalously orgasmic about making out with a marine in the middle of a bar to bad 80s music," proving that people are into some freaky shit. Side-note: Layla may needs to take some life lessons from the Buster Darkhole school of sex column euphemisms. Her target is called "Prince Charming." Her friend? "GI Jane."

Progressive Meter: I count six references to "Prince Charming," two to "chivalry," and one each to "swooned" and "valiantly." Layla's column describes a thoroughly modern tale—they meet at a bar and hook up—but the vocabulary is stuck in another century. Three.

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THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND:

Sex Tips: This time around in UMD senior Esti Frischling's regular advice column, she tackles the problem of a third-wheel friend who knows that one of the coupled-up friends is cheating on the other. Frischling's advice—don't snitch, but encourage them to break up, and if they don't, go ahead and fuck the one who's getting screwed over—isn't as memorable as the way she tells it:

- "You better not rat either way (bitch)."
- "I mean, he can’t possibly see her as marriage material if he’s having all this premarital sex with all the sluts, right?"
- "approach the guy and say something along the lines of (and feel free to quote me directly) 'Dude stop being such a dick — your girl is hot, lay off the adulterous pussy.'”
- "I say—and this is my final answer by the way—blow up his spot and f— his girl. Yeah."

Life Lesson: Apparently, bitches, sluts, dicks, and pussies are A-OK in the Diamondback. But in the end, all we get is a "f—."

Progressive Meter: While it's difficult to discern a political bent in decisions over snitching, I do find the emphasis on "marriage material," "premarital sex," and "sluts" a bit off-putting here. You're in college. Stop rating the validity of your relationships on whether or not you're planning to get hitched to the person you're currently doing. On the other hand, the advice that the advice-seeker "f— his girl"  seems to be applied with no concern as to whether the advice-seeker is male or female. Cool. Five.

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AMERICAN UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tips: This go-around, AU's trio of porn-named sex columnists—Amber Sparkles, Buster Darkhole, and Maxwell Hillcrest—have teamed up to deliver a Very Special sex column about personal responsibility. This conversation—how to avoid unwanted pregnancies, STIs, abuse, and disappointment—is important. But Sparkles, Darkhole, and Hillcrest may be biting off more than they can chew here. The column is a little bit about pleasure: "Many people enjoy sex without condoms—scratch that, nearly everyone enjoys the sensations of sex more without condoms." A little bit about shame: "it is your life. It is not the life of the girl who might yell 'slut' at you when you walk home from a fantastic evening." And a little bit about dying of AIDS: "imagine two boys at Apex going home together. They may have amazing sex, but if it is unprotected, the consequences can be fatal."

Life Lesson: Sex undertaken without "planning ahead" can lead to babies, disease, and unhappiness.

Progressive Meter: The column is titled "Planning ahead helps ease worries in bed," but the three-author treatment focuses entirely on sexual anxieties, and not on the peace of mind that can come with entering into sex fully prepared and ready to go. The intended take-away here—when you're having sex, you should be concerned with satisfying your personal needs and taking care of yourself, not conforming to societal expectations—is a fine one. Unfortunately, the message gets lost in a sea of downers about the possible outcomes of doin' it: campus shaming, misogyny, blood tests, abortion, and death. Four.

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

This week, the Nation’s Alex Dibranco declared that the college sex column represents "a radical progressive movement in the sense of pushing against traditional silence and the status quo." That might have been true when sex columns first popped up on college campuses in 1996, but now, fucking and telling is a normal campus activity for radicals and right-wingers alike. At this point, simply rehashing your heterosexual, vanilla, and gender-role-informed Saturday night hook-up through the campus press does not a sexual revolution make—even if you publish under the pseudonym "Buster Darkhole." Sady of Tiger Beatdown and I talk about where the student sex column should go from here.

References: George Washington University's sex column, penned by "Mr. Darcy" and "Layla" [Exhibits A & B]; Georgetown University's sex column, penned by Colleen Leahey [Exhibits C & D]; American University's sex column, penned by "Amber Sparkles," "Maxwell Hillcrest," and our pal Buster [Exhibits E & F].

SADY: ah, the kids today. what are they up to? other than pretending they know enough about sex to write about it, OBVS, since the kids of many various days seem to believe the same thing.

AMANDA: also, inventing hilarious pseudonyms for themselves, like Rex Butthole and V. Gina

SADY: i know, right? or BUSTER DARKHOLE, Legitimate Writer and Giver of Mature Sexual Counsel [Exhibit E]. somehow, i just hold out the hope that Buster Darkhole is his real name and this is the only career path open to him.

AMANDA: hahaha

SADY: actually, as i read your summary, i was fondest of the work and pseudonym of MR. DARCY [Exhibit A]. i remember the third-act twist in Pride and Prejudice which mr. darcy exclaimed, "verily, miss bennet! our coffee date has involved a most unexpected oral manipulation of my genitals! yet i cannot refuse the fair lady Bingley, who is a superfreak in word and in deed!"

AMANDA: agreed, but at least mr. darcy is better than "layla" [Exhibit B], the name of the female columnist. though i knew a lot of kids in college into Clapton, so i guess it's a cultural thing

SADY: haha. but, you know, reading these things and your summary of them, i was reminded of (CURSE ME FOR UTTERING THE FORBIDDEN NAME) T*cker M*x. [Exhibit douche]. Somehow, it's just not scandalous any more to note that ladies like to have sex and are having casual sex. Unless you are the Pope, in which case all sex scandalizes you to some degree or another. The Kids These Days are pro-sex, including the lady ones. but they're also pro-ridiculously-conservative-gender-norms. and i had somehow hoped that making the point that ladies and dudes can both enjoy sex would change things. IT HAS NOT.

AMANDA: one idea i've seen in a couple of these stories (and from adults talking down to college-age people, too) is: yes, women like to have sex just as much as men do, but they have to not do it in order to be happy [Exhibit E].

SADY: oh, yes. the HOOKUP CULTURE! which is DESTROYING LADIES' CHANCES OF HAPPINESS!

AMANDA: because if they don't not have sex they'll never be in a relationship, which is what they REALLY want.

SADY: right. your vagina has to accumulate enough charge, through non-use, in order to work its Boyfriend-Entrapping powers on the dude of your choice.

AMANDA: i just read a chapter of a new book about young adult sexual experiences, ill remember the name later [Exhibit Laid: Young People’s Experiences with Sex in an Easy-Access Culture], and the introduction compared "hooking up" to a "microwave burrito" — you want it in the moment but eventually, you're going to regret it. the book called casual sex "settling," and insisted that good sex can only be had in committed relationships. personally, i really like being in a relationship, but part of the reason i like it is because i'm not only in the relationship so that i am ALLOWED TO HAVE SEX. i imagine this worldview just ends up with a lot of women settling into relationships with people they they don't really like that also don't provide great sex

SADY: yeah, and the mr. darcy column (i am sorry i keep returning to it! it fascinates me!) sets up the same good girl/bad girl paradigm. like, i COULD be with the girl who i might legitimately want a relationship with... or i could be with AWESOME SEXY TIMES lady. and, you know? it's kind of sad to me that dudes still think this division exists. although hilarious that dude is puzzling out loud over how he wasn't able to "settle down" as a damn college student.

AMANDA: i know. but then at the end, darcy is all, "you know what, maybe i can find a freaky girl that i love!" but you know he's just gonna kinda keep fucking both of them. Whatever. that is the weirdest thing to me about the Concerns over the Hook-Up Culture. why should college students be encouraged to search out their Final Life-Long relationship among the first relationships they've ever had? that makes no sense, and neither does telling girls that hooking up will damage them. they can look for a boyfriend whenever they want to do that. or a girlfriend, which is one thing that none of these sex columns is really addressing.

SADY: YEAH. it's all boys sexing the girls, and ridiculous gender stereotypes of boys sexing girls [Exhibit D], but these "sex" columns often seem more like the work of not terribly reflective or original straight college kids marveling over the fact that they can have sex and not worry about their moms overhearing them or showing up to offer suzy a ride home before it gets too late. but shouldn't "sex" be a more, um, inclusive discussion than this thing about giggling over how you got SOOOO wasted and sexed up someone in your totes heterosexual manner last night?

AMANDA: of course, i would say yeah, but i can see why this happens. when you're in college, those things are exciting to you, as a boring heterosexual person, even if its not terribly interesting to even, say, your classmates. it can be hard to look past your own experience when you're first experiencing all these things. also, it can be hard to write when you've recently graduated from 5 paragraph essays.

SADY: oh, yeah. and, i mean, that's cool and all. but it also – and i speak as someone who is ancient as the grave and yet remembers similar pressures from when i went to college – it creates this weird atmosphere on campus, where you ARE, to some degree, pressured to have enough casual sex to prove that you can do it and aren't some clingy relationship-needing heterosexual female, yet you're also a slut if you don't eventually have a relationship, and you don't exist, basically, if you're queer.

AMANDA: yep.

SADY: like, it's about "freedom," and rebellion, but freedom can only ever take one pre-existing shape. by trying to make sex more public, you should be opening it up, but you end up writing a script for what sex should look like. which is not good for anyone, actually.

AMANDA: no, and it's not particularly fun to read. which should be the main point. though i thought the American University anal sex column was getting there a little bit. at least Darkhole was all, "if you want her to put her finger in your butt, it's cool, man." [Exhibit F].

SADY: well, i mean, you have SEEN HIS NAME, right? he is buster darkhole! this is the column he was born to write!

AMANDA: yeah. I mean, it's possible that Darkhole is a little too eager with the anal sex. i think i noted that the column didn't mention the fact that like, it's cool not to have anal sex, too, if you're not into it.

SADY: maybe his full name is actually Buster Orhis Darkhole III.

AMANDA: i really want to score an interview with this person. but the AU column is an interesting approach because it is three people, two men and one lady, and i don't know if there's any gay or lesbian representation on that board, but that approach does open up the possibility of diversity, and not preaching one person's crazy high school abstinence-only education lessons to an entire campus [Exhibit C]. although god knows how they actually get together and write that thing.

SADY: yeah, i mean, i'm fond of the collaborative approach to all this. maybe if there were like FIFTEEN college sex journalists per campus (and there are probably enough candidates!) you might get one of them that is confident enough not to just say whatever they think will make them look cool and sexually experienced, middle-school style. and hey, maybe one or two that aren't straight people! that would be fun! i mean, i am skeptical of the entire "sex expert" position. i'm a grown lady who has been thinking about this stuff for the majority of my grown lady life, and i'm still not an expert on how my OWN sexual relationships should go.

AMANDA: it's interesting, because the Nation's piece on student sex columns painted them as this really radical progressive movement. and i think there's a confusion there, because people still think that "talking about sex" makes you a liberal and saying "people shouldn't talk about sex" makes you conservative.

SADY: right! and i think it is an issue of the younger generation! battle lines have shifted a bit; now, EVERYBODY talks about sex, liberal and conservative and that's kind of taken for granted. it's what they say that is the issue. or, alternately, the fact that everybody who is given a platform to do so seems to say the same thing.

AMANDA: right. and i don't know what Mr. Darcy or Ramm Bottomham's political persuasion is, but I imagine there's more political diversity in these columnists than there is actual sexual diversity. which is weird!

SADY: yeah. and, honestly, i think T. Otis Notavirgin or whatever are – MAYBE! JUST MAYBE! – feeling more pressure to seem in line with the most widely accepted version of College-Age Sexuality than to actually, seriously think about sex and maybe come up with some insights.

AMANDA: yeah, and seeing as whenever i happen to write about college students they all flood my comments with insights like, "gay," or ... "gay," i can't really blame them [Exhibit frat]. college students are really harshly scrutinized over their sex lives, and college sex columnists must experience the worst of it.

SADY: Honestly! Here is what I think: I think that Buster Darkhole and Layla and Mr. Darcy and whoever are all filing these pieces that are like, "so I got totally WASTED! and had SEX! like PEOPLE MY AGE TEND TO DO!" then they are going home to make microwave popcorn and watch a movie and call their moms. and maybe ask someone out to a movie. that is what i believe. or hope?

AMANDA: i think they're probably also silently weeping over the comments and/or getting shit from their friends [Exhibit single tear].

SADY: oh, god yes. but, you know, if embarrassing college sex columns are what it takes to teach the young people about Dealing With The Terrible Mean Blog Comments That People Will Eventually Leave On Any Blog Ever, I think it's a sacrifice worth making. sort of!

Photo by BodogGirl

Criticisms of D.C.-area student sex columns, however, rarely take the form of the right-wing, anti-sex diatribe. At local colleges and universities, sex columnists are more likely to catch heat for furthering sex-negative sentiments, antiquated gender roles, or sloppy writing.

Last month, the American University Eagle's anonymous sex column was criticized for trivializing rape, ignoring LGBT students, and discouraging women from pursuing sex. Also this month, Georgetown University student journalist Juliana Brint accused her campus' sex columns of being "backwards, anti-feminist screeds" based on "outdated, belittling generalizations about the female psyche." How progressive are our local student sex writers?

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Student Paper: The G.W. Hatchet

Columnists: Mr. Darcy, an anonymous heterosexual male; Layla, an anonymous heterosexual female.

Areas of Coverage: In Darcy's inaugural column, the male sex columnist posed an Austenian dilemma: Shall he choose the nice girl who gives a satisfying blow job, or the freaky one into semi-public window sex? Answer: Looks like he's sleeping (with both of them) on it for a little while longer. In Layla's latest go-around, she describes her unorthodox relationship with a "best friend" from out-of-town: They do it all the time, but they're not dating or anything, and it's awesome!

Progressive Score: 6. Both Darcy and Layla describe their personal experiences with casual sex with multiple partners—and they do so with respect for themselves and for everyone else involved. In college, that can be difficult—it's hardly edgy, but I'll take it. The problem with first-person sex columns from two heteros, though, is that the LGBT experience is completely shut out of the paper.

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Student paper: The American University Eagle.

Sex columnists: Three anonymous writers—one female, two male, sexual orientation undisclosed. Their porny bylines: Amber Sparkles, Buster Darkhole, and Maxwell Hillcrest.

Areas of Coverage: The trio got off to a controversial start last month when they posited this hypothetic sexual experience—"It’s three in the morning. You have it inside you right now. It kind of hurts. You’ve had one too many cups of jungle juice"—as a normal AU hookup. In their follow-up column, Sparkles, Darkhole, and Hillcrest winked at the controversy as they moved on to another taboo campus topic. "It’s 3 a.m. and he has it in you right now. It hurts," the column read. "You are two sober, consenting adults who have just embarked on the journey of anal sex."

Progressive Score: 7. While the first column from the threesome was extremely ill-advised, this servicey anal sex primer—don't use silicone lube with silicone toys!—imparted some helpful and open-minded advice for dorm-dwellers embarking on an anal excursion for the first time. It also made a stab at inclusiveness: "Gay, straight, bisexual—it doesn’t matter," the column reads. "Anyone can enjoy the feeling that comes from anal stimulation, no matter their gender or sexual orientation."

But while the column worked to dispel the "taboo" against straight men enjoying ass play, it failed to tackle the pressure many straight women feel to do anal. It also only addressed the anal pleasure derived from massaging the prostate. Not everybody has a prostate!

On the other hand, the threesome managed to stir up some conservative ire for the column—always a good sign. "I am appalled at the content of the Eagle’s new column," wrote one commenter. "I find this particular article vulgar."

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Student Paper: The Georgetown University Hoya.

Sex Columnists: Colleen Leahey

Areas of Coverage: According to Brint, who writes for the Georgetown Voice, Leahey's "backwards, anti-feminist screeds" come from a long line of conservative Georgetown sex columnists (Julia Allison was the first). In Leheay's first column, she declared that "The quest for 'Prince Charming' consumes the lives of most 20-something females." The odd advice in her second column wasn't so much gender-specific as it was stalker-specific: "After shouting their name, you wait for them to come running into your arms. Instead they ask, 'Why are you following me?'"

Progressive Score: 4. Leahey may very well have her hands tied at this particularly conservative student rag, which is lucky to have a sex column at all. "“[V]ulgarity is discouraged through all sections in The Hoya,” Hoya Managing Editor Marissa Amendolia explained in an e-mail to Brint. “[W]hen it comes to editing for style, vulgarity—and, depending on the situation, this may include sexual explicitness—is subject to editing as long as the editor maintains the author’s viewpoint.” That being said, Leahey doesn't have to get vulgar to become a bit more open-minded. It would behoove her to direct her columns to all members of the campus community, not just heterosexual females she deems "desperate."

Nevertheless, I give Leahey and the Hoya major points for refusing to hide their sex coverage under a pseudonym (even a pseudonym as inspired as "Buster Darkhole"). The Hoya's sex talk may be low on the sex, but at least they own it. If there's nothing wrong with talking about casual sex and anal experimentation, why keep your identity under the covers?

Note: I couldn't find any current sex columns at the UMD Diamondback, the Howard University Hilltop, or, uh, Catholic University. If you know of any other local student sex writers, let me know!