Women love men who look like they may have mysteriously murdered other men in the past. But how do you fake that killed-a-guy-but-dont-really-wanna-talk-about-it aura? Turn to local dude blogger Roissy in D.C., who shells out a hell of a lot of advice on how to pick up women—usually, through deception. Roissy’s crowning achievement in faking intrigue is his “Shady Character Game,” which offers up 22 helpful tips on how to cultivate that irresistible murderer look. For one, buy a “green-eyed black cat.” That’s a freebie.

The top 5 ways to pick up chicks by “making her think you’ve killed people,” after the jump.

Read More “Top 5 Ways to Make Chicks Think You’re a Sexy Murderer” »

I’m debuting a new feature on The Sexist today—the  Misogynist of the Week. Who truly hates women and who’s merely phoning it in? Let’s take a spin on the Internet misogyny whirl-a-gig and crown ourselves a winner!

CANDIDATE: Roissy in D.C., “Keys to a Healthy Relationship“—manages to make “whey protein” even fucking lamer than it already is!

After you’ve shot your whey protein-boosted load across her chest, admire your handiwork for a bit, get up, grab a towel, and throw it in her face while saying ‘You’d better clean yourself off, babe.’ This is catnip to chicks. I don’t know why. Just run with it.

CANDIDATE: Tucker Max: “The Celebrity Tipping Point“—manages to offend both women and the disabled!

“shit man, I’ve fucked a midget, and amputee and a set of twins, raise your hand if you’ve ever done that!”

CANDIDATE: Linda Hirshman, “How Jezebel Hurts Feminism“—manages to incoherently label real, live rape victims as “symptoms,” and also accuse these symptoms of being incoherent—incoherent symptoms of weakness, these women are.

Women can pretend they’re female chauvinist pigs, but it’s still women who are more sexually vulnerable to stronger men, due to the possibilities of physical abuse and pregnancy. These Jezebel writers are a symptom of the weaknesses in the model of perfect egalitarian sexual freedom; in fact, it’s the supposed concern with feminism that makes the site so problematic. How can Tracie, who posted this picture, criticize the men who go to Hooters? How can writers who justify not reporting rape criticize the military for not controlling…rape? It’s incoherent.

Do I have to choose? The winner, after the jump.

Read More “Misogynist of the Week” »

Roissy in D.C. attempts to ruin the memory of Paul Newman for me by reducing his classic sex appeal to fine-tuned pick-up-artist sensibilities:

Read More “Paul Newman Is Impervious to Your Game” »

* PETA makes overly sexual, vegan Superbowl ad (above). NBC rejects it, counts the ways:

- licking pumpkin
- touching her breast with her hand while eating broccoli
- pumpkin from behind between legs
- rubbing pelvic region with pumpkin
- screwing herself with broccoli (fuzzy)
- asparagus on her lap appearing as if it is ready to be inserted into vagina
- licking eggplant
- rubbing asparagus on breast

* The New Gay seeks contributors.

* Roissy in D.C. finds the District’s youngest cat lady. Quoth the cat lady, “My cats have never taken me on a date to the 7/11. My cats have never pretended to be the love of my life, then disappeared into thin air without even the courtesy of a post-it note explanation. My cats have never lied about being Navy SEALs. Not once.” Replies Roissy, “She sounds like one of my exes. Always bitching. Her standards are way too high. What’s wrong with 7-11?”

* Feministing outlines the trouble with panic over teen sex—it’s only reserved for the girls, and not the boys.

* Photos of Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston’s son, Tripp, have netted the underage couple $300,000 from People magazine. Is that enough to get the fuck out of Wasilla and never look back? Or just enough to fund a forced white wedding?

* Dude blogger Roissy in D.C. knows how to identify a slut! She is sarcastic, wears no underwear, and has “that crazy, hyper, coked-up look in her eyes.” Roissy knows this because he has had sex with many, many sluts, which raises the question—does Roissy wear underwear?

* Zack at The New Gay writes on the type of gay men straight men are comfortable befriending:

Recently, a straight guy told my boyfriend how much he loved him for not letting his gayness define him as a person. In short, he was really excited that my boyfriend was gay, but not “gay like that.”

* Note to cops: Don’t threaten feminist bloggers; they’ll put it on YouTube and make fun of you for only having one friend on MySpace (Tom).

* Tiger Beatdown calls out the New York Times Book Review for its glowing Phyllis McGinley review:

Ginia Bellafante, apparently not into this whole “history and also actual well-documented fact” thing, seems to recall the 1950s differently: as a blissful Eden, from which women were expelled when they ate from the Tree of Wanting an Actual Freaking Choice.

Photo via trialsanderrors.

* New Columbia Heights reports on a rash of violence that hit an underground Petworth brothel this month. According to an Examiner piece on one incident, wherein a robber lost his thumb to a machete-wielding victim after trying to lift cash from the bordello and gambling house. Earlier, two men were shot inside the brothel, located near the intersection of 14th St. and Quincy.

* Slate asks you to break off your long-distance relationship for the sake of the environment. Advises Barron YoungSmith:

You’re sitting in the airport terminal, rolling your copy of the Economist into a sweaty tube and waiting to see a significant other who lives far away. You’re excited. You’re aroused. But there’s something else, a nagging feeling that gurgles in your stomach and won’t go away. Is it pangs of guilt? It should be: The planet is about to suffer for your love.

* Listen up, cynical ladies: Roissy in D.C. finds sarcasm sooo unfeminine:

Sarcasm is a leading indicator of low self esteem in a woman. It is a masculine manifestation driven by the ego that cannot coexist with the inner feminine driven by the heart. A girl who leans on the crutch of sarcasm to thrash her way through a conversation is hiding insecurities behind a phony facade of gritty toughness.

Yep, and we all just secretly want a dick. Your dick.

* Feministing and Jezebel sound off on Chantilly’s new pro-life pharmacy.

* Via Daily Intel: Upcoming Gossip Girl guest star Nastia Lukin hints at (maybe) GG’s next plot twist: threesome, anyone?

Photo by PetroleumJelliffe

* Amazing story from NPR about an Iraqi woman from Fallujah who makes good—then not so good—in the United States. Includes:

- Daring escape from abusive brother
- Illicit Marine base love affair
- Booze-fueled Ozark, Mo. marriage
- Tattoo rings
- Last-ditch job as topless dancer
- Husband’s post-traumatic stress disorder
- Arrest for child abuse

* Will Barack Obama come in at the buzzer to upstage Palin’s SNL appearance on the Saturday before Election Day?

* Evil Slutopia reminds you that the rest of SNL still sucks:

We had actually been raving about SNL lately, because of the pure genius they’ve been coming up with consistently regarding the election. But we had been watching those sketches online for the most part, missing all of the really shitty stuff in between.

*New The New Gay “Lefthanded Lesbians” comic strip: How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?

* Things over at Roissy in D.C. get political. Dropping “Bill Ayers” in da club: Not getting anyone laid since 1969.

* Photo by NCinDC

The New York Times last week reported on a new “beautification engine,” a “computer program that uses a mathematical formula to alter the original form into a theoretically more attractive version.” The program runs on the idea that a common standard of beauty can be predicted across cultures, based on international surveys and the ratios of flower pedals or something. The NYT ran the above woman, Martina Eckstut, through the program to see how it would tweak her less-than-perfect features: The computer raised Eckstut’s forehead, shrunk her nose, rounded her face, and came out with a new, prettier Martina.

That’s the idea, anyway. But is the more symmetrical, standardized photo actually more attractive than the original? Local dude blogger Roissy in D.C. seems to think so. “If you are honest in your assessment and not trying to score dorm room debate points on your not-so-humble narrator, then I predict 95% of my readers, male and female, will agree that the girl on the right is more attractive.”

Count me in the five percent. Both women, I think, are undeniably beautiful. At the risk of racking up whatever “dorm room debate points” are, I’d say the human pretty face also connotes character, experience, and individuality, while the computer pretty face connotes promotional materials for the CW. Sure, computer android Eckstut’s a pretty girl, but she’s a bit of a bore.

When presented with her new look, Eckstut, 25, politely complimented the computer-generated image before declining the extreme makeover. “I would like to keep my original face,” she wrote.

The NYT also ran some celebrity faces through the pretty machine, ostensibly to provide guidelines for future plastic surgery. Brigitte Bardot looks like she was hit with the boring stick. Michael Cera’s darling face, when “prettified,” may produce tween girl nightmares. Only the inimitable James Franco survives unscathed: “The before and after shots of the actor James Franco were almost indistinguishable,” notes NYT, “suggesting his classically handsome face is already pretty perfect.”

* Juicy Campus has hit George Washington University. How do G.W. gossips compare to Georgetown’s finest? So far, Juciy Campus’ G.W. page seems to have a lot more nonsense on it. That’s a good thing, writes Travis of G.W. student blog The Colonialist: “I spent the weekend surfing the site a lot, putting up things about myself and my roommates. I’d like to openly admit to writing all 10 of the comments calling The GW Patriot racist. I’d be willing to bet that 80% of the posts on the site are done with the same innocent prank attitude. It’s a playground.”

* The New Gay blogger inspired, depressed by gay couples. TNG’s Jon surveyed the scene at the annual HRC fundraiser on Saturday: “Men were holding hands, women were kissing, and partners were snuggling up and laughing together at their tables,” Jon laments. “This is all wonderful of course, but it served as an in-your-face reminder that I’m currently partner-less.”

* Sex blogger dude Roissy in D.C. says the recession will mean better sex:

If a protracted and deep recession leads to the average woman cutting costs at the supermarket and steering clear of the high calorie packaged foodstuffs, it could mean more slender women and, consequently, better sex. . . . Hard times bring “hard” times.

Hmm. Maybe it will also teach Roissy a lesson in economics.

* Local blogger Jimbo makes an appearance at Maryland Renaissance Festival, hears best catcall ever: “Oooh, gurl, he’s dressed up like an evil sex sorceror.”

* Before the presidential face-offs resume tonight, let’s remember just how far we’ve come since last Thursday’s veep debates. Thanks to The Guardian’s Michelle Goldberg for highlighting Palin’s most nonsensical non-answer:

Say it ain’t so, Joe, there you go again pointing backwards again. You preferenced [sic] your whole comment with the Bush administration. Now doggone it, let’s look ahead and tell Americans what we have to plan to do for them in the future. You mentioned education, and I’m glad you did. I know education you are passionate about with your wife being a teacher for 30 years, and god bless her. Her reward is in heaven, right? … My brother, who I think is the best schoolteacher in the year, and here’s a shout-out to all those third graders at Gladys Wood Elementary School, you get extra credit for watching the debate.

Shit, is it possible to just place a [sic] around an entire quote? Or to have one floating over her head every time she speaks? Get on it, magic Jesus.

Photo by dumbonyc, in mourning of last night’s re-run of Gossip Girl. –XOXO, The Sexist