Soften your raging homophobia unto me!

If you’re a raging conservative homophobe looking for a prime time interview spot, all you’ve got to do these days is suddenly pretend to be only a mild conservative homophobe, and you’ve got an audience on on Larry King Live.

First, noted conservative homophobe Rick Warren appeared on King’s show to tell Larry that his official position on gay marriage is “oblivious” and that he wasn’t the outspoken supporter of Prop 8 that he appeared to be obviously was last November:

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Last week, sex columnist extraordinaire Dan Savage gave Rick Warren the Rick Santorum treatment by turning his life into a code-word for a sex act. “Saddlebacking,” named after Warren’s California Saddleback Church, will henceforth signify “the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities.” (Santorum, incidentally, means “The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”)

City Lights Editor Mike Riggs, a born, bred, and lapsed Florida Christian, explains whether the definition rings true for evangelicals and fundies “looking to skirt rules about sex.” [Hint: they're more into oral].

Pictured: hair lessons learned from the Kentucky Bluegrass Ball.

1. New Adams Morgan Bar Loves the Ladies; Dudes, Not So Much, an examination of gender discrimination targeted against douchebags!

2. Rick Warren Don’t Make No Sense, a nonsensical tired against Rick Warren’s nonsensical invocation!

3. The Great Inaugural After-Party, dudes talking about beer and sex, for the President!

4. Woman Offers Ovary for Inaugural Ball Ticket, still going strong!

5. How to Crash an Inaugural Ball: Lessons from the Kentucky Bluegrass Ball, which prompted one reader to huff that I am “opposed to waht we just heard in the President’s speech.”

Oh, hey, slow news day.

* Now, homos, Mormons, baby-killing women, porno freaks, Jesus mockers, and drunks have “sports nuts” to contend with for eternal damnation (above).

* Now, get out of my city please.

* Now, I get to not hear Rick Warren talk about anything for a very long time, perhaps ever.

* Now, there’s only one day left until Oscar nominations!

* Also, now, only one day left until thousands more people come ruin our city, again, this time to protest abortion.

* Now, all the strangers in my group house who have been using my hot water and arguing about Israel or some shit need to leave, now. It’s 9 in the morning!

Photo by Amy Austin

I know everyone thinks Rick Warren is offensive because he hates women and gay people, but I think he proved today that the true offensive trick up his sleeve is that he doesn’t make any goddamned (apologies) sense. Did that invocation make sense to anyone else? I’m waiting on the full transcript, and I’m not a religious woman, but the only thing I can take away from that thing is that Rick Warren pronounces “Sasha” with an occultish, whispered urgency. Sssssasha. Sssssshhhhhhasshshhhsa.

Also there are a lot of words for Jesus, but listing them still comes off as strangely exclusively Christian, no?

UPDATE: The full text of Warren’s invocation, after the jump.

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Frank Rich’s column in Saturday’s New York Times was an indictment of Barack Obama’s mixed message on gay rights in light of the Rick Warren pick (side-note: totally over this). But the headline’s funnier out of context:

You’re Likable Enough, Gay People

The title is a nod to Obama’s primary season declaration that “You’re likable enough, Hillary.” But next to Rich’s smug head shot, it looks more like this.

* Slate’s XX Factor hashes it out over Rick Warren. Sara Mosley hates Warren, but admits that “engagement with the other side” sometimes “makes everyone a little unhappy and uncomfortable.” Noreen Malone thinks Obama’s “selling out.” Hannah Rosin thinks this is all “liberal group think” that amounts to “pretending evangelicals don’t exist”—and calls to let Warren speak for himself.

* In inauguration dating news: This 40-year-old seeks a date for a ball; this out-of-town 26-year-old is looking for a place to stay—not for the inauguration, just any old time.

* Local poet Sandra Beasley wrote this week’s XX Files essay on how to fake it: If “it” means becoming an impromptu motorcycle model for a televised magic show:

The director hadn’t instructed us on attitude, so I kept rotating expressions. Ten seconds smiling. Ten second scowling. Ten seconds of terrified, we’re-crushing-him! face. We kept rolling. Down the ramp. Steve cut the engine.

“That’s it?” I asked.

* The Candy Pitch presents: The Twelve Days of Christmas, burlesque style.

Photo via trialsanderrors.