This Week In Sexist History:

Good Ol’ Day: August 20, 1883

Dateline: Long Branch, NJ

1. Women must be pretty.

2. But they are born ugly, so we must make them pretty.

3. Women who go to the beach make this task very difficult for us.

4. And women who actually swim are nearly beyond help.

5. It is rather amusing, however, just how ugly swimming makes women!

6. Women who swim are so ugly, they don't even want men to look at their ugly bodies! But we do look at them, and then detail their hideousness in the pages of the New York Times.

7. Well, at least they are still wealthy.

8. Though these ugly, oceanic women allow no one to see how profoundly uncomfortable they are, I know they are profoundly uncomfortable, because I understand women. Even the ugly ones.

9. If a woman is not pretty, then she does not enjoy herself. As is proper.

10. But perhaps the water will help to cure her extreme ugliness anyhow.

11. And remember, even Butterfaces could be hiding a sensual ankle in the surf.

12. [Obligatory rhapsodic account of historical beach leering].

13. [Obligatory rhapsodic account of modern beach leering].

14. Foreign women! They are kind of hot, but so ignorant of the customs of our modern American beach leering!

15. This one hot foreign actress wore the ugliest swimsuit one time.

16. She was a shitty actress, too.

17. Yes, I am using the term "dudes." In 1883.

18. Girls can't swim!

19. Well, at least they display their pearly white arms when they're trying. Oh, did I mention that I am also a racist?

20. One reason for women to swim, of course, is to wear an outfit which mimics an animal's yoke, in order to infer that she would make a good, obedient wife.

21. Have I not sufficiently compared women to animals? Women women zebras.

22. Now I am leering at children.

23. Aaaaand back to the racism.

24. Old women are disgusting and must be kept indoors.

25. I like watching girls fall down.

26. Middle-aged women are the most heinous, for they insist upon swimming, though their bodies are universally reviled.

27. Have I mentioned swimming is for men?

Earlier this summer, FOX deciphered the secret sexting codes teens use to fuck each other on their cell phones. But teens aren't the only ones who need to hide their sexual exploits with absurdly elaborate acronyms. Sex workers and their clients, too, are trained to use the whoooole alphabet.

If you plan to patronize sex workers—and obnoxiously detail your exploits on the Internet—you better be versed in these 31 common trade acronyms. While these sex codes are meant to help johns avoid law enforcement, they have the added benefit of making any guy who uses them sound super douchey.

Do you know the correct racial slur for your masseuse/prostitute? The right acronym to obscure your Holocaust survivor fetish? Can you describe a shitty blowjob in just four easy letters? Test yourself in our sex code quiz, below. Answers after the jump.

SEX CODE WORD:

1. AAMP
2. Aircon BBBJ + Hacks
3. Asian Cowgirl
4. Babyback
5. Baja Sur
6. Barracuda
7. BBBJ
8. BBBJTC
9. BBBJTCWS
10. Beret
11. Blue Steel
12. CCL
13. Civilian
14. CMD
15. Date
16. DFF
17. Ed Zachary disease
18. FOV
19. GFE
20. GF3
21. Hardwood Floors
22. HHHJ
23. Interpreter
24. LBFM
25. Man in a boat
26. NQNS
27. PRC
28. Russian
29. Sybian
30. TCSS
31. XOXO

—

SEX, DECODED: Editor's note: I did not make these up. I swear. Not even "Concentration Camp Look." If these decoded answers still do not make sense to you, well, maybe you just weren't cut out for the world of online john commentary. Consider yourself lucky.

1. "Asian-American Massage Parlor. This is the politically correct acronym."

2. "Scenario: When the maseuse ask, 'want aircon?' if yes, she pop one hacks sweet into her mouth and start blowing."

3. "Girl on top, squatting."

4. "Petite, young, attractive Asian."

5. "Genitals. From the spanish 'the low south'".

6. "A professional prostitute who's only purpose is to separate you from your money as quickly as possible, preferably without giving you anything in return."

7. "Bare Back Blow Job (oral sex without condom)"

8. "Bare Back Blow Job to Completion (oral sex to orgasm)"

9. "Bare Back Blow Job to Completion with Swallowing"

10. "A condom."

11. "Viagra"

12. "Concentration Camp Look."

13. "A woman who makes herself available for sexual encounters but not for financial gain. May be less discreet than a provider and more interested in a relationship."

14. "Carpet Matches Drapes (typically a natural blonde)"

15. "A session with a prostitute"

16. "Dead Fish Fuck"

17. "A woman with an unattractive face."

18. "Finger Outside Vagina"

19. "Girl Friend Experience"

20. "Girl Friend Experience w/all three holes"

21.  "Clean shaven pussy."

22. "Half Hearted Hand Job."

23. "Condom (e.g. She spoke French without the aid of an interpreter = BBBJ)"

24. "Little Brown Fucking Machine"

25. "Clitoris"

26. "Non-quitter, non-spitter"

27. "Women from the People's Republic of China"

28. "Penis between breasts""

29. "A mechanical sex device that is in the shape of half-barrel with a dildo attachment mounted in the middle."

30. "Talk Cock Sing Song"

31. "Kisses & Hugs"

Photo by Todd Huffman

Last week's column on ANC commissioners' bad words, 5C Commissioner Gigi Ransom Censured Over "Potential Hate Crime", has inspired even more incendiary speech, courtesy of the comments section.

Matt Corrigan, on why ANC personality problems should be checked at the door:

I’m in 5C and do the neighborhood walks with John Salatti. He cannot stand to be around people and not hear his own voice chattering along. When it comes to documenting, looking at things from the neighborhood’s view, keeping drains free of debris, John’s the MAN! I Encourage the public to go on the walks Thursdays @ 7pm. You can learn much about our community. John knows many homeowners by name and is demonsterably saddened when they move. Personally I can’t stand him, but as my ANC he rocks!

pacnwjay proposes a final solution to the ANC problem:

When will the good people of DC rise up and force the city (congress?) to rid them of the ANC system??? They are not only embarrassing, but constantly hinder any useful community action in the city.

Bloomingdale Resident pities the fools:

Sociological Images accuses Facebook of sexism and ethnocentricsm for using a "white and male" image as its default avatar to represent a typical user, while opting for "orange avatars of both sexes" to represent its "global connection" capabilities.

So why does this shadowy male figure look just like me?

Sociological Images writes:

So when Facebook wants to represent global humanity, the avatars are orange and of mixed sex; when Facebook is charged with representing an individual, the avatar is white and male. This is not random or accidental. Globally, as Facebook, ironically, reminds us, people are not “white.” Representing people in this way centers men, Western countries, and whiteness (because there are non-white people in Western countries, too) and marginalizes women, non-Western countries, and non-whites (though one might argue that at least ALL of the avatars aren’t white and male).

What Sociological Images fails to note is that the Facebook avatar is only as exclusively "white" as a silhouette artist's subject is exclusively black (which is to say, not at all). Similarly, the avatar is only as exclusively "male" as its haircut—short hair with a funny cowlick. Nope, can't be a woman!:

All woman.

Facebook's "global" avatars don't represent users of both sexes—they represent users with both long and short hair. As far as a vague shadow drawing of human can ever have a gender, the avatars looks pretty gender-neutral to me. I identify more with the short-haired "dude" than the more substantially-coiffed orange "lady." It seems to me that the argument for a more "female" avatar is actually just an argument that the androgyn get a girlier haircut.

Perhaps Sociological Images should be asking why Facebook is so sexist and racist, but not sufficiently heteronormative? Why, Facebook, is your default avatar so vaguely androgynous for all users—male, female, gay, straight, cisgendered and trans? Shouldn't real men be able to choose a manlier avatar (the chin could be better-defined), and women one with a less queer-looking haircut?

I am outraged.

I am a respectable redneck, bigoted, racist, gay bashing homophobe, democrat slamming, liberal trashing, ACLU cussing, gun toting, Muslim hating, SUV driving – gas guzzling, cigarette smoking by the No Smoking sign, beer drinking, meat eating, resource wasting, free porno watching, God Fearing Christian...employed full time.

Great. But how does "urbuggenme" account for homosexuals like Maddow, who spend their time eating vegetables, saving resources, and loving Muslims—and still manage to hold down full-time jobs? Homosexuals with jobs! The gay agenda, it has gone too far.

A new reality television show pilot will be filming in the District next week. Casting director seeks locals willing to fulfill standard network television stereotype of a black woman. Successful applicants will be rewarded with the ultimate fantasy of all stereotypical women on network television: makeovers!

Casting Call Information
City: Washington DC

Seeking LOUD, FEARLESS, OPINIONATED African American women to get a FREE MAKEOVER by a celebrity hairstylist.

You will be participating in a docu-reality pilot set in Washington DC for a major cable network.

The pilot will be taping between April 7- 11th in Washington DC.

Apply within.

Photo by nicolasnova.