People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals may have a monopoly on sexualizing cuts of meat, but it takes a Czech surrealist artist to really romanticize steak. Because I am who I am, I can't help but analyze the traditional mating rituals (and the tragic ending) on display between two cuts of beef in Jan Švankmajer's 1988 short, Zamilované Maso, or Meat Love (via Pukeimmediately).

A run-down of their brief (and ill-fated) courtship, after the jump.

Meat 1 awakens underneath the body of Meat 2. After swiftly removing itself from the immodest position, Meat 1 rushes to the mirror to make sure it looks okay.

Meat 2 awakens with a masculine grunt. Meat 2 approaches Meat 1 from behind and slaps it in the butt. Meat 1 expresses shock, covers its naked meat body with a towel, and hangs its meat head in shame. Meat 1 is not that kind of beef. Or perhaps it is simply playing hard to get.

Meat 2 realizes it will have to invest in some more traditional courtship activities in order to woo Meat 1. Meat 2 puts on some music. It beckons Meat 1. They dance.

In a reversal of roles, Meat 1 breaks their embrace and rushes to a private plate covered in flour. Meat 1 playfully splashes Meat 2 with the white powder. They make love.

Unfortunately, this playful, flour-covered tryst has set up the two cuts perfectly for consumption. They are spiked by a large fork and sacrificed to the frying pan.

But what does it all mean? Is this meaty courtship a morality tale warning against the dangers of submitting to sexual advances? Or an uplifting testament to seizing the day before it's too late? Which one is Juliette? Are you hungry? I am!

So, Pamela Anderson's new commercial for PETA, which features the former pin-up screening airline passengers for "prohibited" leather, fur, and animal products, won't be shown on the CNN's Airport Network. According to the New York Post, "PETA planned to debut the spot tomorrow at all three Gotham-area airports, and later this fall in the other 45 major airports serviced by CNN. But the network wrote to PETA saying it's 'particularly sensitive because children make up part of the demographic in airports.'" PETA, banned? You don't say.

Let's see: We have a Transportation Security Administration screener turned into a sexy Halloween costume. We have that TSA screener repeatedly assaulting people. We have what looks like some illegal search and seizure. We have an unintelligible racial stereotype. We have butts. Why wouldn't anyone want to show this thing in an airport? Probably because airports hate animals!

The Post says that the "propensity for nudity by PETA has backfired this time," but seeing as PETA dedicates an entire online television station to screening its banned ads, I'm betting this is a strategy, you guys. Whenever PETA produces a "too hot for TV" ad, it gets to drum up some viral press over the injustice, but skips out on shelling out the cash required to actually show the thing on a network.

Since other PETA banned ads feature a man clubbing a woman to death, animatronic cats fucking, and women appearing to stuff asparagus into their vaginas, Pammy's short-shorts and belt play actually fall on the Lighter Side of PETA. Which raises the question: If PETA produces its ads in an attempt to get banned anyway, why doesn't it skip the soft-core stuff and start filming straight-up animal-friendly pornography? It's a sad day when I have to give PETA pointers on how to more effectively exploit women in order to save the chinchilla.

When I first learned of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals' new "Save the Sea Kittens" ad campaign, I was confused—and not because re-branding one species of animal (fish) as another (kittens) doesn't make any fucking sense. No, I was confused because PETA's campaign just doesn't seem overtly sexist enough! There are no Playboy models, lettuce bikinis, or shrink-wrapped naked ladies to objectify in this campaign—just some cute fish you can dress up in costumes in an attempt to humanize them.

I know. I was suspicious, too.

Thankfully, PETA supporters accustomed to sneaking a bit of lasciviousness into their animal rights advocacy can dress their cute fish in a variety of super sexy fish costumes. Ta-da:

This is my sexy sea-kitten, complete with string bikini, pageant tiara, fetish-y cat whiskers, and porno lips.

Your BDSM sea kitten can sport a pink studded collar, or opt for a more traditionally sexy ruffled tube top. The truly kinky sea-kitten, though, ties on a bonnet.

On the accessories side, choose from bloated sex-doll lips or a tray of kitty litter (if your sexy fish is into the whole scat thing).

Umm . . . for the sea-kitten into furries?

Of course, as we've seen from PETA's other sexy ad campaigns, dressing up your spokesmodels in sexy outfits actually tends to dehumanize them instead of the other way around. Oh, well. At least it keeps dudes interested.

The Huffington Post has finally discovered the porthole through which its sexist entertainment content can jump off of the Entertainment page and onto more explicitly political verticals. What is this valuable new discovery which suddenly makes sexy naked women so politically relevant? It starts with a P, ends with an Eople For the Ethical Treatment of Animals, and it has been pulling this liberal sexist bullshit for years.

Well, PETA and HuffPo are together at last, with two super-sexy animal protection stories making their way onto the site's "Green" page this week. After the photo-accompanied "Lydia Guevarra, Che's Daughter, Poses Semi-Nude for PETA" made a semi-nude splash in the Web site's Popular Stories last week, HuffPo cashed in on the theme with the full slide-show: "The Sexiest PETA Ads of All Time." Click on it for the environment!

To HuffPo—and PETA's—credit, the collection of PETA's notoriously naked ads includes its share of topless dudes alongside the unclothed women. But as the interactive poll feature demonstrates, Huffington Post readers are not so down with this nudity-for-all tactic.

Readers are allowed to rate each PETA rep's naked ad on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 signifying "Rather have meat" and 10 "Pass the produce!" Here are the current rankings, from hottest to not-est:

Charlotte Ross 8
Alicia Silverstone 7.6
Annalise Braakensiek 7.6
Sophie Monk & Maggie Q 7
Dita Von Teese 6.9
Jenna Jameson 6.7
Pam Anderson 4.7
Kathy Najimy 3.7
Jamie Bamber 3.7
Two male models making out 3.4
Tommy Lee 2.2

Let's take a look at the hierarchy here. The nine women on the list all score higher than the four men. The women lose points as they get closer to the porn spectrum, with the exception of Kathy Najimy, who is un-young and un-skinny enough to rank just above the men. At the bottom, we have the four guys: The dude from Battlestar Gallactica ranks above the overt display of male homosexuality, but the kissing guys still beat out the universally reviled Tommy Lee. In my opinion, Tommy Lee's low-ranked bare chest alone is enough to debunk HuffPo's "sometimes a nipple is just a nipple" theory. Nobody wants to see that shit.

The Huffington Post brushes off the idea that the female nudity focus on its Entertainment page has any impact on its progressive political cred. In passing off interactive nude slide-shows as environmentalism, however, HuffPo wades into explicitly political sexist territory. PETA paved the way here by exploiting women in the hopes of ending the exploitation of animals. HuffPo joins the fray not by presenting a counterpoint to PETA's sexist tactics, but by reveling in it—asking its readers to rank the "hottest print promotions."

I have to wonder if PETA's T&A has ever convinced a soft-core porn enthusiast to stop eating beef. I bet the naked stuff is actually used more of a peace offering to the general public—they may be annoyed by PETA's radical vegetarianism, but at least there are naked chicks.

But unlike PETA, the Huffington Post is not a one-issue newspaper. PETA objectifies women in order to save the lives of the poor, helpless bunny rabbits, but it never professed to care about women. HuffPo objectifies women in order to save its entire politically progressive business model. Why not pull a fast one on PETA and stick to objectifying wallabies instead?

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It's clear that now that there's an animal at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., PETA will be able to target all its campaigns specifically at the President, using Bo as a scapedog for whatever issue it would like to further at the moment. Hey—at least it's better than using hot chicks.

Expect a lot more press releases that tangentially refer to Bo before launching into a thinly veiled press release as to why the White House needs to employ vegan mouse traps, or whatever. In this edition, Bo helps us understand that purebred dogs are "disquieting," that the overpopulation problem won't benefit from monetary donations "unless you pour in as much as the Iraq war has cost us," and animals are just like humans, "except that they are in a different type of body and have a somewhat different culture."

The full PETA letter is after the jump.

President of the United States
1600 Pennsylvania Ave. N.W.
Washington, DC 20500

Dear President Obama,

Now that you have brought a dog into your family, we urge you to take a most important action—have Bo sterilized. We are sending you a coupon good for one free sterilization at PETA's SNIP clinic, which you are welcome to use or pass on to a member of your Cabinet or someone in a low-income neighborhood of Washington, D.C.

We love that the girls are going to grow up with a dog, as having a dog teaches people an extra dimension of love and allows youngsters to see into the lives and feelings of others who experience the same emotions as they do: joy, pain, confusion, loneliness, fear, and love of life. Loving and caring for a member of a different species also teaches compassion for those who are like us in so many ways, except that they are in a different type of body and have a somewhat different culture.

While it is disquieting that your decision to get a "purebred" dog from a breeder will inspire others to do the same and that the subtlety of acquiring a dog who had a home but originally came from a breeding kennel may be lost on most people, we are grateful that you plan to make a donation to the Washington Humane Society (WHS), where I used to be director of cruelty investigations; funds are always needed there. However, money alone, unless you pour in as much as the Iraq war has cost us, cannot "fix" the overpopulation problem. Please show that you understand this by making the first dog the last dog of his line and having Bo neutered. Sex in the White House has been the topic of past scandals, but with a simple "snip," the first dog can set a new tone and a great example.

In the U.S. alone, up to 8 million animals are abandoned in animal shelters each year, and half of them must be put to death for lack of a good home. Simply put, every animal purchased from a breeder or pet store takes a home away from a needy, homeless animal. Because the spotlight is now on your new dog, people will imitate your actions and may seek out breeder without giving a thought to the tragic consequences of breeding or considering the time and money it takes to care for an animal properly.

We look forward to hearing that Bo will be getting neutered. This will set a fine example for the world to follow, and Bo will be the happier for it. Thank you for your consideration.

Very truly yours,

Ingrid E. Newkirk
President

As it turns out, all you have to do to get George Clooney's attention is steal one of his sweat-soaked gym towels and threaten to extract its flavor to market as a celeb-flavored vegetarian alternative. If you thought PETA's oversexed ads were hard to stomach, consider CloFu: Tofu flavored by Clooney's sweat glands that would "spare animals from being killed for the table."

After some hippie recovered Clooney's discarded towel and offered it up for a PETA fundraiser, PETA President Ingrid Newkirk "immediately thought of using his perspiration for bean curd."

Is that vegan? Whatever. Newkirk actually wrote Cloon a letter asking for his permission to use his flavor, and Clooney actually replied.

He said no. "As a mammal, I'm offended," he said.