Georgetown has never been known for its eroticism. But in the brick courtyard of Canal Square—an upscale piece of real estate nestled between M Street NW and the C&O Canal—gallery owner David Quammen, 70, has carved out a space for the risqué. Since 2005, Quammen’s MOCA DC has exposed Georgetown passersby to paintings of childbirth, photographs of Playboy Bunnies, and sketches of Quammen’s own nude body, all via the gallery’s 12-foot-long front window.

But next month, the gallery may very well shutter its doors over a pair of nipple pasties. Why now? The modesty-preserving devices appeared on the breasts of a live woman, not in a work of art. “I think that having live nudity at an opening reception is akin to having it on the wall,” Quammen says. “But a lot of people don’t like what I do.”

Quammen has never figured out how to move very many nudes in Georgetown. So over the years, he’s learned to supplement his exhibitions with exhibitionism. Three times a year, the gallery hosts opening receptions for shows of figural art: “Erotica” in March, “The Celebration of the Figure” in July, and “Heads or Tails: Fine Art Portraits and Tasteful Backsides” in November. In the gallery’s front room, Quammen displays works by local artists. In the back, he conducts live erotic events.

MOCA’s rear room has hosted belly dancers, swimsuit competitions, walk-in body painting (one memorable human canvas had the words “Warning: Choking Hazard” painted on his sizable stomach, complete with an arrow pointing to his penis), live nude statues, and even Playboy model Angelina Leigh, who’s posed naked for photos on a MOCA rug. Quammen keeps the party lubricated with six flavors of boxed wine.

Quammen’s openings have survived by keeping the business in the front and the party in the back. But MOCA’s parties—which can draw hundreds—can’t always be contained.

On March 5, Quammen celebrated the opening of his “Erotica 2010” exhibit by staging a burlesque competition hosted by local strip-tease star Kitty Victorian. During the performance, participants and gawkers were confined to the gallery’s modest rear room, where their activities were shielded from unsuspecting Georgetown bar-goers. But at some point in the evening, one of the amateur competitors managed to wander out into the open-air courtyard wearing little more than a pair of strategically-placed tassels.

Soon, Quammen got wind of some corporate backlash from the courtyard display. Beyond MOCA DC, Canal Square also hosts a few more traditional art galleries, Sea Catch restaurant, and the offices for R B Properties Inc., the real estate management company which rents Quammen his gallery. On March 10, Quammen drafted a letter to Ted Vogel, vice president of real estate for R B Properties, in an attempt to preempt any pastie-based concern. “I understand...that there was a complaint about one of the performers last Friday night going outside without proper clothing,” Quammen wrote. “While she was not nude, her attire was improper and not authorized to be anywhere but the rear portion of the gallery.” Quammen promised to rectify the situation by installing a guard at the gallery’s front entrance to help herd scantily clad attendees toward the rear.

On April 7, R B Properties replied to Quammen’s letter with a list of administrative complaints. “While you recognized the inappropriate attire worn by MOCA participants on March 5th, there were other issues that we find unacceptable that were not addressed in your letter,” the response read. Beyond the pasties, the MOCA party represented an “unauthorized use of the plaza area.” Some MOCA patrons had also utilized the Sea Catch restrooms, which proved “very disruptive to the restaurant’s business” that night.

“We look forward to many well-managed events by MOCA...and appreciate your cooperation and attention for years to come,” the letter finished.

That was before R B Properties discovered it wasn’t stuck with MOCA for the long haul. This summer, Quammen learned that MOCA’s lease with R B Properties—which Quammen had overseen for the gallery’s former director, painter Michael Clark, since 2005—had been a month-to-month arrangement all along. So Quammen approached the company to negotiate a long-term lease in his own name. He got his reply last month, when Vogel arrived at the gallery to tour the space with a new potential renter. On June 24, R B Properties gave Quammen a notice to vacate the premises by July 31. Calls to R B Properties were not returned.

Quammen is convinced that prudishness is to blame: “For being a liberal city, there’s a lot of conservatism here,” he says. After all, R B Properties hasn’t always been leasing to an “adult” gallery. For more than a decade, Clark had run MOCA DC with a focus on contemporary art, with the occasional phallic piece. The nudity began in earnest in 2002, when Quammen established his Figure Models Guild to connect local artists with nude models. Since assuming director duties in 2005, Quammen has heard plenty of snide dismissals of the gallery’s increasingly disrobed offerings. Of the Canal Square galleries, “MOCA is the pig of the bunch,” says Quammen. But for nearly six years, he scraped up enough rent to make sure it stays that way. “Eroticism is the carrot that God gave us for going ahead with this thing, having some children, and raising them,” he says.

So when Quammen received his notice to leave the space, he sent out a call to the gallery’s 1,400 member contact list, asking them to help the gallery keep doling out carrots. Last week, Quammen held a meeting in the gallery to discuss MOCA’s future. Unlike his erotic displays, the administrative event was “short on attendance,” Quammen says; one friend stopped by the space, and a few more participated via live-streaming Internet video.

Meanwhile, Quammen’s own body threatens to fail him. He wears a black eye patch over his right eye to mitigate a childhood injury; recently, his left started going, too. Over the past two years, he’s fought both prostate and colon cancer into remission. After two heart surgeries, walking a block leaves him winded. “Even with that, I have managed to do more than many half my age,” Quammen wrote in a letter to R B Properties. He’s now seeking out more expensive locations in Arlington and Dupont Circle. He hopes to supplement the price hike with a PBS-style pledge drive. How many are willing to pay a monthly fee for Quammen’s previously gratis events remains to be seen.

The July 31 quit date will, at least, provide Quammen an excuse to throw a party. “As far as the artwork is concerned, I’ll make a statement. I’m going to put the most brazen things out front I can find,” Quammen says. But he remains dedicated to keeping the live demonstration under wraps. “I’m going to respect the right of people, who are coming into the courtyard for other reasons, not to have somebody shove nudity in their face,” says Quammen. He will, instead, use his own face as the scene of the protest: In place of the eye patch, Quammen plans to affix a nipple tassel over his right eye.

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

Today, Tucker Carlson launched The Daily Caller, a Web site that has been hailed as the conservative answer to the Huffington Post. Given my peculiar obsessions with Arianna Huffington's left-leaning political tabloid, I had but one question for Carlson: Will there be nipples?

Last June, I noted the Huffington Post's regular publication of "nipple slips," or the accidentally bared nipples of major and minor celebrities. I argued that the promotion of these red-carpet snafus encourages readers to objectify women's bodies, while denying those women the agency to control their own nipple exposure—and that these non-consensual erotic displays compromised the Huffington Post's ostensibly progressive bent. (Recall this intensely zoomed-in image of the outer reaches of Beyonce's areola to reveal the depths of HuffPo's obsession with accidental nipples).

When pressed on what it all means, editor Arianna Huffington insisted that a nipple slip is divorced from political ideology: "As Freud said, 'Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar'—and a nipple slip is just a nipple slip." (Translation: Sometimes a cigar does not mean a "penis," but sometimes a "woman's nipple" does mean a "woman's nipple," and that means lot of page-views).

Huffington's armchair psychoanalysis failed to shed any light on the matter: How is the objectification of women justified by political progressives? With the launch of Carlson's Caller, I was presented with a rare opportunity to see how a right-leaning Web site might deal with women's boobs peeking out of their dresses. Would it lean toward the side of abstinence-informed modesty? Would it tend toward boy's-club objectification? Or would it just publish, like, real news?

I e-mailed Carlson to ask him about his site's political ideology, and whether it would embrace nipples. Carlson's response: "I can't promise the site will be areola-free—in my experience these things are hard to predict—but even at this late stage we haven't settled on a firm nipple policy," he wrote.

So far, the Daily Caller has yet to promote images of any accidentally naked celebrities on the Web. A perusal of the Daily Caller's "Entertainment" page reveals some tabloid fare ("Lohan in paparazzi incident...again"), and some sexy news ("Avatar was supposed to have a sex scene"), but, alas, no nipples:

Yet.

This Spanish PSA, which warns of the dangers of  "sexting," follows a similar trajectory to domestic anti-sexting initiatives: There's the ill-advised nudity, the mass tween sext, and the shame, oh, the shame. One difference: The Spanish version drops a lot of nipple.

The televised spot follows a sexy Spanish cartoon heroine, who takes a bare-breasted cell phone pic on a whim—complete with exposed cartoon nipples (ding ding ding!)—only to find her cartoon titis land on—where else?—TopTitis.com. As a result, all her tween amigos turn to leprechauns and her familia is paralyzed forever.

While this situation ends up being pretty tragic for our señorita, the overt sexiness of this illustrated sext—cartoon nipple!—may only encourage enterprising young sexters. One danger concerned padres won't have to worry about: In the real world, TopTities.com appears to be—research purposes!—little more than a spam porn site.

But as a consumer of nipple shots, such versatility can become confusing. It's often difficult to know the socially acceptable reaction to every stray projection of skin that catches your eye. Should you high-five your buddy or vomit discreetly into your hands? I'm here to help.

Taking a page from our friends at the Huffington Post, I've compiled some photos of famously exposed nipples—complete with "NSFW Zoom" (Not Janet Jackson, she's too obvious). First, review the Guidelines For Socially Acceptable Reactions to Nipples. Then, check out some Famously Exposed Nipples (NSFW-Zoomed into focus) and see if your gut response to each biological structure is in line with society's nipple norms.

Guidelines For Socially Acceptable Reactions to Nipples:

* All of a woman's breast revealed except for the nipple, which may be obscured by clothing, hair, or paint: sexy.

* All of a woman's breast revealed including the nipple: sexy; obscene.

* Renaissance-era artistic rendering of a woman's breast including the nipple: art.

* All of a man's chest revealed including the nipple: null. Unlike female nipples, which are either HOT or TOTALLY GROSS, male nipples are just there.

* All of a woman's breast revealed including the nipple while breastfeeding: not sexy; not obscene; to some, however, still totally fucking gross, far more disgusting than a normal female nipple, whose only reproductive function ought to be arousing you on-sight (Note: it is not yet socially acceptable to take photos of women breastfeeding in public in order to engineer "gotcha" nipple slip headlines).

* All of a woman's breast including the nipple, which the woman inadvertently flashes for the camera (also known as a "nipple slip"): sexy; obscene; still, manages to maintain the relative innocence of the woman who has inadvertently revealed the nipple, making the it that much sexier; unless of course it is Pamela Anderson's nipple, in which case the nipple slip is simply very obscene and not sexy at all, because Pam Anderson is agreed to be too slutty to pull off the treasured nipple slip dynamic.

—

Famously Exposed Nipples:

A. B.

C. D.

E. F.

G. H.

—

Socially Acceptable Reactions to These Nipples, Revealed:

A. Natalie Portman's nipple slip: sexier. SUITABLE REACTION: High-five.

B. Pamela Anderson's nipple slip: obscene; not sexy. SUITABLE REACTION: Vomit discreetly into hands.

C. Lindsay Lohan's nipple, obscured by hair: sexy. SUITABLE REACTION: Retweet.

D. Ian McKellen's nipple (male): null. SUITABLE REACTION: Curse your "celebrity nipple" google search for leading you astray.

E. Lady Gaga's nipple: sexy; obscene. SUITABLE REACTION: High-five.

F. Beyonce's nipple slip: sexier. SUITABLE REACTION: High-five.

G. A Real Housewife's nipple slip, obscured by clothing: sexy. SUITABLE REACTION: High-five.

H. Mona Lisa's nipple (rumored): art. SUITABLE REACTION: Scratch chin.

Observe:

Pictured: Not Megan Fox's boobs

Pictured: Not Megan Fox's thigh

Pictured: Not Megan Fox's ass

Pictured: Not Lindsay Lohan's nipple

Pictured: Not Lindsay Lohan's side-boob

Pictured: Not an interactive slideshow comparing Megan Fox's side-boob to Lindsay Lohan's nipples

In fact, the closest we come to lady-flesh on HuffPo today is this:

Pictured: Just a bare upper back.

Oh, when will the world stop mourning!

Huffington Post's Vice President for Communications, Mario Ruiz, responded to my inquiry by copy-pasting Kurtz' column into an e-mail, adding: "There's nothing much we can add to what she already emailed Howie."

Huffington to Kurtz:

Huffington dismisses this argument by e-mail, calling it "silly and highly limiting to assume that all progressives can't wait to get to the orgy and all conservatives have a chastity belt in their drawer. . . . As the Washington City Paper's blogger herself points out, we have a wide range of news and opinion on all our sections — including our Entertainment section.

"Looking for hidden political agendas in every article and every photo on HuffPost will lead to some very convoluted conclusions. As Freud said, 'Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar' — and a nipple slip is just a nipple slip."

Huffington misses the point here. This isn't about valuing promiscuity or chastity. It's not about whether liberals or conservatives should or shouldn't like sex. This is about objectifying women by reducing them to their nipples, which is, in my opinion, anti-feminist. And personally, I would hope that progressives would make very basic women's issues like this a priority.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes a woman is just a nipple.

UPDATE: Ruiz has written back with an expanded version of Huffington's statement:

At The Huffington Post we feel that trying to analyze everything in life by looking through a right vs left political prism — including Entertainment and celebrity coverage — will lead to a very distorted view of the world. In fact, we feel that looking at politics in that tired way will lead to a distorted view of the world (compare Dick Cheney’s view on gay marriage to Barack Obama’s and get back to me about right vs left). It is silly and highly limiting to assume that all progressives can’t wait to get to the orgy and all conservatives have a chastity belt in their drawer. History has proven otherwise again and again and again.

[As you pointed out last week], we have a wide range of news and opinion on all our secctions — including our Entertainment section. Looking for hidden political agendas in every article and photo on HuffPost will lead to some very convoluted arguments. As Freud said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar” – and a nipple slip is just a nipple slip.

On Tuesday, I wrote a post criticizing the Huffington Post for espousing progressivism in its political coverage while exploiting women in its entertainment pages.

I'm still waiting to hear back from HuffPo on how ritual public outings of women whose clothing accidentally slips a couple centimeters keys into their liberal political identity—though it looks like somebody over there, at least, has read the piece. In the meantime, HuffPo continues to plug away at the nipple beat. Three stories on the Entertainment page today make news out of accidental nipple:

Here we have a barely-a-celebrity in a barely-there dress. The commentary on the photo insists, "Her show may be off the air till next year, but the 'Real Housewives of New York' single lady and 'Skinny Girl' embodiment Bethenny Frankel is making news." Is Frankel really making news, or is the Huffington Post making the news, out of her nipples? Chicken, egg, etc.

Heather Graham's breasts double as weather report. I like this, because it reminds women that if they ever make a mistake by misjudging the temperature, or not realizing that their dress would go sheer under bright camera lights, or underestimating the power of HuffPo's "NSFW zoom," they will be held accountable for their crimes. In case you're curious, the poll asks, "Who would you most want to be in this picture?" The guy holding her butt is winning.

That old stand-by.

Of course, not all the entertainment stories are about nipples:

It's no secret that The Huffington Post fancies itself a left-leaning Web rag. Wikipedia describes Arianna Huffington's aggregatorial monster as "an American liberal news website." Conservapedia's definition, however, might be more helpful: "The site is an extreme mouthpiece for liberals," it reads. "The Huffington Post calls itself an internet newspaper of blogs, news and video but often is referred to as a hate site where its one-sided news cannot be trusted."

But even HuffPo's liberal readership gets tired of hating on conservatives sometimes, guys. Sometimes, they just want to sit back, relax, and look at accidentally bare nipples—just like the rest of America. This one-sided liberal hate site has one fatal weakness—boobs. Let's check out some recent stories from the Huffington Post's entertainment section:

* Here are some photos of Natalie Portman's nipple.

* Here are some photos of Beyonce's nipple, complete with HuffPo-provided "NSFW zoom."

* Here are some photos of Pamela Anderson's nipple (hardly news, but a boob's a boob).

* Here is an entire page devoted to recently naked women (and Barack Obama).

* Here is a collection of zoomed-in photos of 23 celebrities' breasts, made into a fun game called "Guess the Celebrity Breast Implants?"

Pretty standard entertainment-section blog fare here—though HuffPo does go above and beyond with the "NSFW zoom." You don't see a Beyonce nipple that close just anywhere.

So, what do nipple slips and boob jobs have to do with liberal politics?

The obvious answer, of course, would be nothing. People—even progressive, conservative-hating, liberal-minded people—will click on nipple slip slideshows and boob jobs guessing games, and that's a big part of the Huffington Post's model.

But look past the nipples, if you can, and you will find a clear liberal bent in HuffPo's non-boob Entertainment stories. Yesterday, the top three links on the Entertainment page could be considered GLBT interest stories: "Adam Lambert Confirms Rolling Stone To Address His Sexuality"; "WATCH: Neil Patrick Harris' FANTASTIC Tonys Closing Song"; "Gordon Ramsay Shocks Audience With 'Lesbian' Rant About Journalist." Also on the page yesterday was blogger Jackson Katz's post directly addressing the objectification of women in entertainment, titled "Eminem, Misogyny and the Sounds of Silence." Even "Guess the Celebrity Breast Implants" was inspired by a progressive premise: the Carrie Prejean controversy, which the Huffington Post began following as a homophobia-shaming story, before turning around and covering it as a topless-photograph-shaming story.

Here's the lib logic on that one: How dare this professional spokesmodel both hate gay people and take revealing modeling photographs? Our only choice is to shame her by posting them on our Web site. It is the only thing that will finally reveal her hypocrisy (and reel in the pageviews)!

This same Prejean logic is used by the Huffington Post to justify its other women-as-object pieces, as well. Though Senior Features editor Katherine Thomson didn't immediately return my request for comment yesterday, HuffPo has, in the past, addressed stray nipples directly. Cenk Uygur, host of "The Young Turks," took this position on the Janet Jackson flap:

CBS was fined $550,000 for showing Janet Jackson's right nipple on live television. Coal mines that endanger the lives of their workers are commonly fined $60 per violation. . . . How do you like those priorities?

Uygur has a point—who cares? It's just a nipple! Only a religious conservative would bother to make a stink out of a body part which most men, women, and children have in sets of two. It's almost enough to make fetishizing nipples on your Web site sound like a liberal position. If it pisses off the religious conservatives, that means it's a good thing, right? After all, this is just "entertainment," anyway—who cares if it's progressive or not when we're all just staring at nipples and having a good time? As Harry Shearer points out on HuffPo, everybody's doing it!

The problem is that people really do care about nipples. They care so much about nipples that the Huffington Post devotes pages and pages of photographs to them when women accidentally (or, you know, against their will) reveal them to the public. In that way, there's no difference between the religious conservative who is scandalized by a bare breast popping up in the middle of his football game and a liberal Web site which devotes its resources to naked chicks. A woman's body part is a priority. Real women's issues, not so much.

The Prejean logic, while tenuous, is at least accompanied by her blatant homophobia; how items like "Rihanna's Battered Face (PHOTO)" and "Valerie Bertinelli Gets Back In Her Bikini" key into HuffPo's liberal identity remains a mystery to me. But I'm confident that any item that reaps a lot of pageviews can some way, somehow, be justified as "liberal."

[youtube:v=lJR-WzMjCGA]

"There was never a nipple portrait of Lincoln, I'm sorry."

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"I tell my kids: If two cars pull up, and one of them has a stranger, and the other one has Dick Cheney, you get in the one with the stranger."