This Week In Sexist History:

Good 'Ol Day: July 22, 1893

Dateline: Long Branch, N.J.

Subject: The summer of 1893 is nearly ruined for this sad sack New Jersey scene reporter—until the sexiest underage bather this side of puberty catches his roving eye!

What's lifting these male vacationers from the depths of their pathetic existences? If you've been studying your Sexist History, you'd know that the answer probably starts with Pretty and ends with Girls:

Oh, it makes no difference what shape you are in the freewheeling social scene of the Jersey surf! Unless, of course, you're "pretty girl" shaped, in which case your body will likely be obsessively detailed in the pages of the New York Times. Proceed:

Euugh! How old is the young lady in the red swimsuit, anyway? One the one hand, it's great that this girl is still in her spluttering-around-in-the-water bathing suit phase, and not yet in her crippled-by-body-issues bathing suit phase. On the other hand, I'm willing to bet the girl's sexy childhood innocence was shattered riiiiiight arrroooound July 23, 1893—the day this Skeevy Turn-Of-The-Century Reporter's ruminations on her sexy childhood innocence was printed in the pages of the New York Times.

How can Skeevy Turn-of-the-Century Reporter possibly redeem himself from the true skeeviness of ogling bathing children? By turning next to an even sleazier specimen: The Skeevy Turn-Of-The-Century Sketch Artist.

Done and done.

And now, from Mount Laurel, New Jersey, your daily dose of toddler-used-condom-swallowing news! According to the Philadelphia Daily News, the family of a 22-month-old boy is suing a Mount Laurel "Homewood Suites" hotel after the boy "choked on a used condom" he found in the room. By the time Amy Wolfe heard her son "chewing and choking on the condom" (ugh -ed), he had already "ingested the contents (euughhh -ed), possibly exposing him to a "sexually transmitted disease" (aaaghhh -ed), "including HIV [euuGHHH -ed] or AIDS [AUGUGHGHHHHH!!! -ed], or some other, potentially life threatening, potentially fatal illness" (God, ugh -ed).

UPDATE: Check out this sensitive anonymous comment left on the story! "LOL HE FOUND SOME PLASTIC BUBBLE GUM OH MAN THIS MADE MY DAY BUT I FEEL BAD FOR THE LITTLE KID CHOKING." [ :( -ed]

Photo (ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh -ed) by Mandi Gaga

A New Jersey Council Member was arrested and charged with simple assault this weekend after "patrons at a Northwest Washington nightclub complained that someone had urinated on them from the balcony," the Washington Post reports. Steven Lipski, a Jersey City council-member, was arrested at a V Street club the story doesn't name after two people complained he peed on them "while they watched a concert Friday night at the nightclub." Hmm. Are there any other V Street venues that this could be?

Photo by garycycles2.