First up: THE “SEXY FOOTBALL PLAYER”:

Ready, set, manpris!

THE “SEXY PIRATE” COSTUME:

Arg! Manpris!

THE “SEXY COP” COSTUME:

I love how they saved all the manpris costumes to the same male model. Work it!

THE “ANOTHER SEXY COP” OUTFIT:

I can tell by the two-day stubble and suggestive shoulder straps that this cop is meant to be sexy, but he’s not wearing manpris, so I’m not really buying it.

THE OBLIGATORY “SEXY RACIALLY INSENSITIVE COSTUME” [OK: "SEXY RACIST"]:

GAH. NO. (Buy one in every gender!)

THE “SEXY PENIS JOKE” COSTUME:

Equal parts gleaming muscles and dick joke, it’s the ultimate male Halloween costume!

The first time I heard Usher’s new gender-bending single, “Trading Places,” the D.J. introduced it as a “backseat jam”—a track that’s very conducive to fucking. “Trading Places,” which follows Usher and his lady-friend as they trade gender roles in the bedroom for an evening, presents gender transgression as a one-off sexual novelty. It’s also not very sexy (in one verse, Usher’s girlfriend orders Chinese food and demands that Usher not wash his hands before they do it. Thrilling). Needless to say, it wasn’t really a jam I was willing to climb into the backseat for—and that was before I knew that the song is also a stealth anal sex anthem!

Let’s analyze the male/female dichotomy through the lens of Usher, shall we?

Now we gonna do this thing a lil different tonight
You gonna come over and pick me up in your ride
You gon knock and then you gon wait
Ooo you gon take me on a date
You gonna open my door and I’ma reach over and open yours
Gon pay for dinner take me to see a movie
And whisper in my ear I bet you really wanna do me
Girl now take me home and get up in my Benz
Pour me up a shot and force me to the bed

Things men do: drive cars, take people on dates, open doors, pay for dinner, pay for a movie, voice their desire for sex, pour liquor, force people into bed.

Things women do: ride in cars, go on dates, eat dinner, watch movies, get propositioned, drink liquor, go to bed.

I’m always on the top tonight I’m on the bottom
Cause we trading places
When I cant take no more, tell me you ain’t stopping
Cause we trading places
Now put it on me baby till I say “oooo weee”
And tell me to shut up before the neighbors hear me
This is how it feels when you do it like me
We trading places

Things men do: Be on top, not stop, put it on people, tell people to shut up.

Things women do: Be on the bottom, not be able to take things anymore, be loud.

I’ll be waking you up to a cup of Folgers
Pancakes and eggs I owe ya breakfast in bed, oh baby
And your orange juice sitting on the coaster
Toast on the side baby strawberry and grape jelly
You finished let me get that drink,
Pull the curtain from the window
Time to get up baby let me make this bed up
Today we going shopping blow 30 on me
Make it 60, spend it like u really love me
Skip dinner and we gon rent a movie
You order chinese food right before u do me
You coming on strong baby let me wash me hands
She said hurry up then get your ass to bed

Things men do: Drink coffee, eat pancakes, drink orange juice, eat toast, get out of bed, spend money, rent movies, order Chinese food, do people, come on strong, tell people to hurry up.

Things women do: Make coffee, make pancakes, pour orange juice, butter toast, make the bed, receive gifts, wash their hands, go to bed.

(yeah) Wash the car
(yeah) I’m gonna walk the dog
(yeah) Take out the trash
(yeah) With nothing but your t-shirt on
(yeah) I’m gonna press your shirt
(yeah) I’m gonna wrinkle mines up
(yeah) In the kitchen girl we crazy we don’t give a—
Where you want me?

Things men do: Wash cars.

Things women do: Walk dogs, empty the trash, press shirts, do it wherever they want.

Stay tuned for part two
You been me, I been you
But we gon switch this thing back
I’ma put it on your ass.

Things men do: Force their girlfriends to play out comical male stereotypes while assuming the role of the subservient female. Then, in order to reclaim their masculinity, threaten to insert their dicks into their girlfriends’ anuses.

Things women do: Play along with the gender stereotype game at the request of their boyfriends. Prepare hard, phallic objects to force it into their boyfriends’ anuses at the height of the gender-bending sex. It’s what men do!

This time around: cat fights!

New York Times columnist Mickey Meece (seriously) is here to explain why the recession has resulted in a frightening “workplace bullying” epidemic that threatens to destroy all working women. Why are working girls bitchier than ever to each other? Let me count the ways:

Because “workplace researchers say”:

During this downturn, as stress levels rise, workplace researchers say, bullies are likely to sharpen their elbows and ratchet up their attacks.

Because even though most bullies are male, the female bullies are bitchier (or, cat fights are more interesting than regular old boy office politics):

It’s probably no surprise that most of these bullies are men, as a survey by the Workplace Bullying Institute, an advocacy group, makes clear. But a good 40 percent of bullies are women. And at least the male bullies take an egalitarian approach, mowing down men and women pretty much in equal measure. The women appear to prefer their own kind, choosing other women as targets more than 70 percent of the time.

Because even when you have a career, you still have to be the mother:

Women don’t like to talk about it because it is “so antithetical to the way that we are supposed to behave to other women,” Ms. Klaus said. “We are supposed to be the nurturers and the supporters.”

Because pretending there are “magical keys” to correct female behavior in the workplace makes it easier to market “executive leadership coaches” to women:

“Women are trying to figure out the magical keys to the kingdom,” said Laura Steck, president of the Growth and Leadership Center in Sunnyvale, Calif., and an executive leadership coach.

Women feel they have to be aggressive to be promoted, she said, and then they keep it up. Then, suddenly, they see the need to be collegial and collaborative instead of competitive.

Because men have nothing to do with this:

“As we get into the corporate world,” Ms. Cirocco added, “we’re taught or we’re led to believe that we don’t get ahead because of men. But, we really don’t get ahead because of ourselves. Instead of building each other up and showcasing each other, we’re constantly tearing each other down.”

Sociological Images accuses Facebook of sexism and ethnocentricsm for using a “white and male” image as its default avatar to represent a typical user, while opting for “orange avatars of both sexes” to represent its “global connection” capabilities.

So why does this shadowy male figure look just like me?

Sociological Images writes:

So when Facebook wants to represent global humanity, the avatars are orange and of mixed sex; when Facebook is charged with representing an individual, the avatar is white and male. This is not random or accidental. Globally, as Facebook, ironically, reminds us, people are not “white.” Representing people in this way centers men, Western countries, and whiteness (because there are non-white people in Western countries, too) and marginalizes women, non-Western countries, and non-whites (though one might argue that at least ALL of the avatars aren’t white and male).

What Sociological Images fails to note is that the Facebook avatar is only as exclusively “white” as a silhouette artist’s subject is exclusively black (which is to say, not at all). Similarly, the avatar is only as exclusively “male” as its haircut—short hair with a funny cowlick. Nope, can’t be a woman!:

All woman.

Facebook’s “global” avatars don’t represent users of both sexes—they represent users with both long and short hair. As far as a vague shadow drawing of human can ever have a gender, the avatars looks pretty gender-neutral to me. I identify more with the short-haired “dude” than the more substantially-coiffed orange “lady.” It seems to me that the argument for a more “female” avatar is actually just an argument that the androgyn get a girlier haircut.

Perhaps Sociological Images should be asking why Facebook is so sexist and racist, but not sufficiently heteronormative? Why, Facebook, is your default avatar so vaguely androgynous for all users—male, female, gay, straight, cisgendered and trans? Shouldn’t real men be able to choose a manlier avatar (the chin could be better-defined), and women one with a less queer-looking haircut?

I am outraged.

Combos brand snacks has released a study (stay with me here) ranking the 50 manliest cities in the United States. Washington, D.C. ranks a pathetic 45, proving manlier than only Chicago, Portland, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and New York.

The criteria for maniness appeared to be but a thinly veiled count of how mant Combos brand snacks each city consumes per capita:

Each metro area received a manliness rating between 0 and 100 based on how well it performed in each of the study’s manly categories. Factors used to determine the manliest city rankings included the number of U.S.-made cars driven in the city, number of sports bars and BBQ restaurants, number of home improvement and hardware stores as well as manly salty snacks consumption.

Here’s the full list of manliest cities. Coincidentally, it also appears to be a ranking of cities in which I most do not want to live.

1. Nashville, Tenn.
2. Charlotte, N.C.
3. Oklahoma City, Okla.
4. Cincinnati, Ohio
5. Denver, Colo.
6. St. Louis, Mo.
7. Columbus, Ohio
8. Kansas City, Mo.
9. Indianapolis, Ind.
10. Toledo, Ohio
11. Memphis, Tenn.
12. Richmond, Va.
13. Columbia, S.C.
14. Orlando, Fla.
15. Dayton, Ohio
16. Salt Lake City, Utah
17. Milwaukee, Wis.
18. Minneapolis, Minn.
19. Cleveland, Ohio
20. Detroit, Mich.
21. Jacksonville, Fla.
22. Phoenix, Ariz.
23. Birmingham, Ala.
24. Grand Rapids, Mich.
25. Tampa, Fla.
26. Harrisburg, Pa.
27. New Orleans, La.
28. Las Vegas, Nev.
29. Pittsburgh, Pa.
30. Philadelphia, Pa.
31. Louisville, Ky.
32. Atlanta, Ga.
33. Providence, R.I.
34. Dallas, Texas
35. Buffalo, N.Y.
36. Rochester, N.Y.
37. Baltimore, Md.
38. Boston, Mass.
39. Houston, Texas
40. Seattle, Wash.
41. Sacramento, Calif.
42. Miami, Fla.
43. San Diego, Calif.
44. Oakland, Calif.
45. Washington, District of Columbia
46. Chicago, Ill.
47. Portland, Ore.
48. San Francisco, Calif.
49. Los Angeles, Calif.
50. New York, N.Y.

Photo by kimberlyfaye

Welcome back to The Sexist’s Manliest Workplace in D.C. tournament, our ongoing unscientific investigation into the male/female ratios of local employers’ org charts. Last week, we sewed up the Media Bracket, in which the Washington Times crushed the competition with an impressive 94.5 percent manly factor. Now, we move on to an even more high-fallutin’ category of D.C. workplace: “Culture.” Check out the entire 64-workplace bracket here; today, the one-seed Washington Redskins take on eight-seed National Museum of Women in the Arts. May the manliest cultural institution win!

WASHINGTON REDSKINS: These hometown heroes may have the manliest profession this side of the American Presidency, but do they have the manly goods where it counts—the execs? Let’s check out the team’s ownership and coaching staff [PDF]:

Owner Dan Snyder (Male, 10 points)
Ownership Group Member Arlette Snyder (Female, ZERO)
Ownership Group Member Michele Snyder (Female, ZERO)
Ownership Group Member Robert Rothman (Male, 7 points)
Ownership Group Member Dwight Schar (Male, 6 points)
Ownership Group Member Frederick W. Smith (Male, 5 points)
Executive VP Vinny Cerrato (Male, 4 points)
Head Coach Jim Zorn (Male, 3 points)
Assistant Coach Greg Blanche (Male, 2 points)
Assistant Coach Sherman Smith (Male, 1 point)

With only 38 points out of a possible 55, or 69% manliness, first-seed contenders the Washington Redskins prove to be even worse at manliness than they are at football (75% wins this season). No amount of sis-boom-bah-ing from scantily-clad ‘Skins cheerleaders can mediate this stunning blow, which was decided early in the contest when Dan incubated himself with a pair of female Snyders in his ownership group. Consolation prize: Homosocial ass-slap rate in organization remains high.

—

NATIONAL MUSEUM OF WOMEN IN THE ARTS: Oh, man. This does not look promising. But even though this contender stumbles by having “Women” in its very name, an upset against the sorta-manly Redskins is possible. Because NMWA qualifies as a traditionally female workplace, it stands to reap in some free manly points under the Sexist’s affirmative action clause. Accordingly, NMWA will receive a 10-point jump after its index is calculated. Let’s get to the goods:

Director Susan Fisher Sterling (Female, ZERO)
Deputy Director Ilene Gutman (Female, ZERO)
Deputy Director Pam Ayres (Female, ZERO)
Chief Curator Jordana Pomeroy (Female, ZERO)
Director of Library Jason Stieber (Male, 5)
Media Relations Manager Michelle Cragle (Female, ZERO)
Exhibitions Coordinator Rebecca Price (Female, ZERO)
Chief Preparator Greg Abgelone (Male, 2)
Director of Special Events Lori Brubaker (Female, ZERO)
Director of Retail Operations Lynda Marks (Female, ZERO)

Ouch. Even with the free 10-pointer, NMWA scores a weak 17/55 on the manly index, or just over 30 percent manliness. The National Museum of Women in the Arts is so hopelessly unmanly I’ll save them excessive man-punning in this roundup. But check out their new exhibition, “Role Models: Feminine Identity in Contemporary American Photograph,” which I hear is delightful!

Tune in tomorrow for a pan-religious bro-off, when the National Cathedral takes on the Founding Church of Scientology!

Photo by smata2.

The American workplace’s storied glass ceiling is in pretty bad shape. Female workers are on the fast track to conquering the upper echelons of all sectors of industry, including the nation’s highest office. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton invoked the ceiling in her June concession speech: “Although we weren’t able to shatter that highest, hardest glass ceiling this time, thanks to you, it’s got about 18 million cracks in it,” Clinton said, adding, “the light is shining through like never before, filling us all with the hope and the sure knowledge that the path will be a little easier next time.” With Clinton’s defeat, the glass-crushing spread across the political aisle. As Republican vice presidential candidate and self-described “feminist” Sarah Palin confirms, “Women certainly today have every opportunity to succeed.”

But what about that unsung other half of our nation’s workforce: men? As more and more women enter the workplace and climb to its highest ranks, they do so to the detriment of a group that has comfortably occupied high-level positions in our nation’s capital for centuries. At risk of extinction are D.C.’s manliest institutions: its unions, newspapers, and government agencies. In 2008, what workplaces may truly call themselves manly?

The Sexist is pleased to announce D.C.’s Manliest Workplace Competition. Beginning next week, The Sexist will run 64 D.C. workplaces in eight industries through a highly unsophisticated algorithm to assess each organization’s manliness. In order to determine manliness, the Sexist will take the top 10 positions in each organization, ascertain which positions are staffed by men, then assign a point value to each male staffer. A man in the highest-ranking position (i.e., president, CEO, publisher) will earn 10 points; one in the 10th-most-powerful spot will receive one point. The manliest workplace—one that employs all men, all the time, in the most powerful and well-paid positions—can score as high as 55 on the Manly Index. The least manly workplace—one that employs no men, none of the time, in any position—will receive a zero.

The Manly Index
0-10: Non-manly
11-30: Mannish
31-50: Manly
50-55: Manliest

Note: The Sexist reserves right to base assumptions on hasty once-over of workplace’s org chart. If a workplace’s chart does not have clearly ranked positions, the Sexist will arbitrarily assign rank. If a workplace employs fewer than 10 people in total, the Sexist will improvise.

Example: Washington City Paper

Publisher Amy Austin (Female, 0 points)
Editor Erik Wemple (Male, 9 points)
Ad Sales Director David J. Walker (Male, 8 points)
New Media Director Joshua Lieb (Male, 7 points)
Business Devel. Manager Sheila Alexander-Reid (Female, 0 points)
Information Technology Director Jim Gumm (Male, 6 points)
Managing Editor Andrew Beaujon (Male, 5 points)
Classified Sales Manager Heather McAndrews (Female, 0 points)
Assistant Managing Editor Jule Banville (Female, 0 points)
Senior Writer Jason Cherkis (Male, 1 point)

Note: The Washington City Paper scores a 36 on the Manly Index, indicating that the paper is barely even manly.

The Sexist recognizes the need for affirmative action in the pursuit of manliness. Historically non-manly organizations face several obstacles to becoming manly. These workplaces deal in traditionally non-manly pursuits, such as domestic violence protection and book lending. Additionally, they lack a male base, making recruiting of even manlier employees challenging. In order to level the playing field, the Sexist will add a full point to the manly index of workplaces that traditionally employ women. This progressive affirmative action policy will help lift historically non-manly organizations from the depths of femininity, while ensuring the Sexist Cinderella-story material throughout contest coverage.

Remember, this is a numbers game. No matter how macho the corporate culture at your environmental nonprofit, if it can’t show the men, it will fall hard and fast.

Factors the Manliest Workplace Tournament will not take into consideration (among others): Presidential Fitness Award honorees employed; history of sexual harassment suits filed against workplace; importance of tool belt to employee uniform; homosocial ass-slapping traditions. While these factors certainly add to the “heart” of a manly workplace, the Manliest Workplace competition looks only at the true test of an organization’s manliness: How many men the workplace employs, and how high on the org chart it employs them. (Additional manly factors may be considered in the event of a tie).

Think you know manly from mannish? Fill out the bracket with your picks for D.C.’s manliest workplaces. Find a paper bracket on page 46 of this week’s newspaper, or complete our handy on-line bracket.

Send your paper brackets to:

Amanda Hess
Washington City Paper
2390 Champlain St. NW
Washington, DC 20009

The winner wins something!

Ever since “bro” crept out of the frat house basement and into the mainstream, the now-ubiquitous term has suffered a backlash. Consider the dominant definition of “bro” on urbandictionary.com: “Stupid white trash guys . . . with lifted trucks, wife beaters, shitty music . . . ugly girlfriends, ugly hair, mouths constantly open, retarded as all get up, have no common sense . . . Fags.”

Also indicative of the term’s current status: Even the founder of forthcoming online community BroBible.com —the world’s first online “brocial network“—hesitates to self-identify as “bro.” “The word bro has a negative connotation to some,” admits Doug Banker, the bro behind Bro Bible. “I’m definitely a bro in certain aspects,” he adds. “But I consider myself a well-rounded bro.”

But to Banker, 23, the term “bro” means something different. “We see it in the playful way . . . Really, a bro is just someone who likes to go out and have a good time, who likes to stay connected to their group of friends while expanding their horizons,” he says. “It’s not one of our goals to make the word ‘bro’ more positive,” adds banker. “But yes, hopefully, that will happen.”

Banker, who graduated this year from the University of Richmond with a B.A. in “Leadership Studies,” hopes that BroBible.com will give a voice to what he views as a sorely underrepresented demographic. The Web site, tag-lined “Every bro has a story,” will debut its mix of social networking, open forums, and bro-generated content on Oct. 15. “This is one of the first sites that’s tailored specifically to the needs and interests of the bro,” says Banker. “Finally, there will be an outlet on the Internet where [bros] can truly express themselves.”

The nationwide site aims to connect a diverse network of bros around the country. “The actual type of bro varies, but there are bros everywhere,” explains Banker. “You’ve got the Southern bro, enjoys being outside; the Colorado ski bro; the California surf bro; the Texas down-South bro; the Northeastern preppy lacrosse bro. There are all different types of bros, but they share common attributes.”

Banker hopes to court the bros of the District of Columbia specifically. “A lot of my friends at Georgetown are huge bros, and they really enjoy the nightlife scene there,” he says. “In the bars, you can find a great deal of bros. Any sporting event, a lot of bros. I would imagine that D.C is full of them,” he says. Banker says he is planning to take his promotional bro tour to Washington, D.C. within the next month.

Other types of bros, however, are less welcome in the online community. “It’s not the ‘yo, bro’ type of thing,” says Banker, “We’re not trying to get a guy who’s going to drink ten beers and crash them over his head. . . . The site is not going to be glorifying male conquest and championing their exploits.”

Still, Banker says he hopes to promote an “open forum” where bros “can share all types of stories and not feel embarrassed to get that information out,” he says. “And if that includes beer and hooking up, then so be it.”

Though the bro is typically defined as male, Banker says that female bros—and women close to bros—are also encouraged to check out the site. “I think it’s going to be very popular with women,” Banker says. “Women are really going to enjoy the site. They’ll be able to gain insight into the male ego, the male bravado, how the male mind works. At the very least, they’re going to want to know why their boyfriend is spending so much time on the site.”

Banker is hopeful that, with the help of the online bro community, a new term for a female bro will soon be coined. “I’ve been looking for one. I can’t think of one off the top of my head,” says Banker. “Trust me, I’ve been wracking my brain for a long time.”

Photo by Tavallai.

* For Slate, The Abstinence Teacher author Tom Perrotta explains the political appeal of Sarah Palin’s “Sexy Puritan” archetype:

I’m only trying to locate her within the context of the great American culture war, which she seems to have single-handedly reignited during an election season that was supposed to have been dominated by other issues (and may well be again, now that Wall Street has imploded). With the selection of Palin, McCain succeeded not only in thrilling the Christian right but in scrambling the categories of the campaign. It used to be perfectly clear which ticket represented youth and change, which seemed old and boring, and which had more appeal to women voters. For a moment, at least, Palin seems to have turned these certainties into open questions.

* Also in Slate: How the financial crisis is good for the high-end prostitute business:

Sex workers of the past waited on street corners, outside bars, and around parks, and their transactions were fleeting and usually for a few dollars. Today’s high-end sex workers see themselves as therapists, part of a vast metropolitan wellness industry that includes private chefs and yoga teachers. Many have regular clients who visit them several times per month, paying them not only for sex but also for comfort and affirmation.

Ahh, but what of the comfort and affirmation of your local alt-weekly?

* Stuff Hipsters Don’t Like: Hipsters. Thinking about the economy. Pregnancy:

Hipsters are very torn about pregnancy. On the one hand, they don’t have any problem with abortion seeing as they got their BA in post-structuralist conceptual astrology and have endured hundreds of hours of NPR, Ira Glass’ infanticidal socialist drone lingering in their subconscious. On the other hand, being pregnant is kind of cool. It gives them some sort of purpose in an otherwise directionless post-graduate existence. In fact, some hipster girls dream of having a traditional nuclear family. They fantasize about their husband handsomely dressed in wool flannel and Ray-Bans returning home from his long shift at the record store and coddling their infant son decked out in a vintage neon Morrissey romper.

That said, most of the time they just get an abortion.

* Women dumb! Men lazy! Unfabulouz.com shows “the difference between men and women” in this recovered gender cartoon.

* Guess what’s the only supreme court case Sarah Palin can name! Yeah, that one.

Photo by dreamsjung