Welcome back to the Manliest Workplace in D.C. Tournament. The winner of the legal bracket will be decided today, as the arsenal of partners at Arnold & Porter faces off against the hired guns at Jones Day. (See the full 64-workplace bracket here). Will Arnie and Port be found guilty of employing an all-powerful percentage of manly men? Or will Jonesie be indicted for butt-slapping in the boys club? Could any lawyer possibly surpass the manly standard set by the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer character (right), as portrayed by the late Phil Hartman on NBC’s seminal sketch comedy program, “Saturday Night Live”? Never!

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Welcome back to the Manliest Workplace in D.C. Tournament. This week, the long arm of the law has its strength tested as D.C.’s biggest law firms compete for man dominance. Today, the local partners of Williams & Connolly take on the upper-level lawyers at Hogan & Hartson (See the full 64-workplace bracket here). Will Williams, Connolly, Hogan, or Hartson have what it takes to claim the mantle of eternal manliness from the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer character (right), as portrayed by the late Phil Hartman on NBC’s seminal sketch comedy program, “Saturday Night Live”? Court is now in session!

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Welcome back to the Manliest Workplace in D.C. Competition, wherein I arbitrarily and decisively rate local workplaces based on how many dudes they employ. Fear my wrath! (And see the entire 64-workplace bracket here). This week: Are D.C.’s law firms as manly as the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer character (right), as portrayed by the late Phil Hartman on NBC’s seminal sketch comedy program, “Saturday Night Live”? Let’s find out!

The legal bracket of the competition continues with two surname heavy firms. But doth Wilmer Cutler Pickering Hale & Door & Akin Gump Strauss Hauer & Feld protest too much? Show me your non-sexual partners!

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Welcome back to the Manliest Workplace in D.C. competition. This week, Washington’s workplaces take the stand in this, our legal bracket! (See the full 64-workplace bracket here). Since D.C.’s most powerful firms have a whole lot of man power, I’ve decided to switch up the format here. In the most sexually charged Man Madness contest yet, the manly factor of the District’s law firms will be decided solely by the ratio of male to female partners. Today, first seed Covington & Burling LLP faces off against eighth seed Steptoe & Johnson in the battle to most closely approximate the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer (right), as portrayed by the late Phil Hartman on NBC’s seminal sketch comedy program, “Saturday Night Live.” Howdy, partners!

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Last week, we determined the manliness factor of eight workplaces in the local government sector of the Manliest Workplace in D.C. competition. (See the full 64-workplace bracket here). Let’s go to the standings!

With 47 out of 55 manly points, Fenty’s cabinet edges out the fiery competition to go on to our tournament’s elite eight of Manlieness. Stay tuned later today for the kick-off of our legal competition!

The Manliest Workplace in D.C. Competition continues today in a match-up sure to be less painful than most acts of Congress! (See the full 64-workplace bracket here). Today, the Federal Government bracket heats up as our bicameral legislature goes mano-a-mano to determine final man dominance (until the new, possibly gender-compromised Congress is sworn in). For now, we live in 110th Congress man-bliss as the House takes on the Senate:

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES: Congressional leaders are listed first, followed by the longest-serving members of the House, in order to give credit to those public servants who have lent the most years of manliness to our great man nation. Lets get to governin’!

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Welcome back to the Manliest Workplace in D.C. Tournament. With the Culture bracket languishing in a statistical dead heat between the Washington Redskins and the Smithsonian Institution, it’s time to turn our attentions to the granddaddy of all granddaddy employers: The Federal Government! (See the full 64-workplace bracket here).

Today, one-seed the Supreme Court takes on the eight-seed U.S. Postal Service. Will a collection of robed-swathed old men fall to a legion of boys in short pants? Let’s find out!

THE SUPREME COURT: This high-talkin’ decidey-branch hashes it out on issues manly (District of Columbia v. Heller) and non (Roe v. Wade). But in the court of Man, will these Justices be served? Let’s go to the line-up:

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Well, it’s been a hell of a week in non-manliness. I hope we’ve all learned something about D.C. culture here, folks: It is, at best, marginally manly. So while the winner of the Culture bracket will have the satisfaction of besting his peers, he will almost certainly fall to the mighty Washington Times in the elite eight. (See the full 64-workplace bracket here). Whatever. Let’s get straight to the recap:

Oh, Fuuuuck come on! With a just-ok manly rating of 38, the Smithsonian Institution and the Washington Redskins manage to tie this pathetic thing. Figures, “Culture.” Tune in next week as we determine the winner of the Culture bracket through arbitrary decidey-things!

This week wraps up the Culture bracket in the Sexist’s Manliest Workplace in D.C. Competition. Today, we give the arbitrary calculation treatment to the Studio Theatre and the D.C. outfit of Madame Tussauds. Will the human impressionists of the threatre prove manlier than the wax dummies of the house of oddities? Find out!

STUDIO THEATRE: This contemporary theater claims to have “received nearly 200 Helen Hayes Award nominations for artistic excellence since the awards were founded in 1985.” But will it receive the local theater world’s highest honor, victory in the Manliest Workplace competition?

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It’s day two of the Culture bracket in our ever-searching Manliest Workplace in D.C. tournament (See the whole 64-workplace bracket here). Yesterday, the manly Redskins strong-armed the National Museum of Women in the Arts to clinch their second-round spot; today, two of D.C.’s religious institutions, the National Cathedral and the Founding Church of Scientology, duke it out. Which of these churches is made in the manly image of God? Let’s find out.

THE FOUNDING CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY: When I graduated college, the Church of Scientology posted a dozen or so job openings on my university’s student job board, in fields ranging from agriculture to writing. I was prepared to apply for a job (hey, I’m a writer) when a friend of mine suggested that the Church was likely just preying on lost, confused post-grad souls.

If anyone did find a real job with the Church of Scientology, founded in Washington, D.C. in 1955, I wouldn’t know it; beyond celeb devotees like Tom Cruise and Victoria Beckham, Scientologists are pretty cagey about who prays—and works—for the spiritual machine. When I called the local office, a guy named “David” told me that the church wasn’t too interested in publicizing a list of higher-ups; he referred me to “Sylvia.” When I called “Sylvia,” I was transferred back to “David.” Figures.

Never mind that the only leaders of the Founding Church of Scientology I was able to find on the Web were a dead dude and a celebrity minister who chairs the board of the Religious Technology Center, the organization tasked with “monitoring and enforcing the purity of technical application” of the religion. The show must go on:

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