Last week we narrowed down D.C.’s workplaces to the four manliest organizations in the District (okay, due to several close manly ties, it was really six). They are: conservative moonie news source The Washington Times; obscure U.S. representative body the Senate; a whole bunch of unionized dudes; and bald eagle/Ronald Reagan advocacy group Citizens United (relive the madness with the full 64-workplace bracket here).

Now, it’s time to fight out the ties of our top-tier man-stitutions and crown a winner! First off: The Washington Times vs. Senate. This contest is an easy one—the Senate is perfect, the Times is not—sending the Cheney-Biden squadron of male lawmakers into the finals. The Unions vs. Citizens United face-off presents a tougher fight—three perfectly manly unions (United Union of Roofers, Waterproofers, and Allied Workers; International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers; International Brotherhood of Teamsters) versus a perfectly manly conservative advocacy organization. Add in the Senate, and that’s five perfectly manly D.C. workplaces! How ever will I choose between them?

Indiscriminantly! I’ll grade these five remaining workplaces on these three factors, on a scale from one to ten:

1. Manliness in Name
2. Manliness in Purpose
3. Enduring Manliness

Let’s see how they do!

THE SENATE:

1. Manliness in Name. According to internationally renowned reliable resource Wikipedia, “The word senatorial is derived from the Latin word senātus (senate), which comes from senex, “old man.” 10 POINTS.

2. Manliness in Purpose. The Senate is the upper house of Congress, and takes on such manly duties as deciding things and appointing people. Some of its duties, however, are downright feminine. “Consenting” to treaties? The manly decide. The feminine consent. 5 POINTS

3. Enduring Manliness. The Senate has been going strong for 220 years. However, the Senate’s manliness has been receding steadily since 1922, 1922 when Rebecca Felton—a lady!—temporarily filled a senate vacancy for two days. 6 POINTS.

TOTAL: 21 POINTS

UNITED UNION OF ROOFERS, WATERPROOFERS, AND ALLIED WORKERS:

1. Manliness in Name. Roofers, Waterproofers, Men.  8 POINTS.

2. Manliness in Purpose. This union works to “organize workers” (manly) and work with “various groups on safety and health issues” (hardly). 3 POINTS

3. Enduring Manliness. This union’s roots only go back so far as a 1903 AFL charter. However, the union has this to say about its history: “Roofs have been necessary since our ancestors first stepped out of their caves and began building shelters using indigenous materials.” I’m convinced. 9 POINTS.

TOTAL: 20 POINTS

INTERNATIONAL BROTHERHOOD OF ELECTRICAL WORKERS:

1. Manliness in Name: Brotherhood, bro. 8 POINTS.

2. Manliness in Purpose: The Brotherhood “represents some 725,000 members in construction, utilities, manufacturing, telecommunications, broadcasting, railroads and government.” That’s a lot of men! 9 POINTS.

3. Enduring Manliness. The Brotherhood claims that as far back as 1890, the IBEW “Dream is Born.” On the one hand, that’s a long time for manliness to endure. On the other hand, “dream” is nothing other than the idle dilly-dallying of those who cannot “do.” ZERO POINTS.

TOTAL: 17 POINTS

INTERNATIONAL BROTHERHOOD OF TEAMSTERS:

1. Manliness in Name. Brotherhood, brah. 8 POINTS.

2. Manliness in Purpose. The Teamsters not only represent the nation’s transportation and “freight-related” workers—they also built Las Vegas! Plus, funnest Teamster ever, Jimmy Hoffa, went to prison before mysteriously disappearing, earning him a prominent spot in the Encyclopedia of Manliness. 10 POINTS.

3. Enduring Manliness. Then again, Hoffa’s been “missing” for 33 years. ZERO POINTS.

TOTAL: 18 POINTS

CITIZENS UNITED

1. Manliness in Name. I see a missed opportunity: Male Citizens United? Citizens Man-nited? Manly Man Men? Get real. ZERO POINTS.

2. Manliness in Purpose. Citizens United aims to restore “traditional American values” set down by the “founding fathers,” including “strong families.” Read: Man, man, man, man, man! 10 POINTS.

3. Enduring Manliness. Citizens United was founded in 1988, which doesn’t give it a very manly track record. Hell, it’s younger than me (a woman)! However, perhaps we can see CU’s relatively recent formation as a sign that America’s manliness is still healthy enough to spawn another inane right-wing advocacy group. 8 POINTS.

TOTAL: 18 POINTS

That leaves only the victor: the incomparably manly:

U.S. SENATE!!!!1

Yes, yes, rah rah, celebrate now, U.S. Senate—women’s rights activist Joe Biden will be lording over your activities soon enough! Then where will you be? Utter mannishness!

(It’s not over just yet—later this week, I’ll announce the winner of our fill-in bracket competition).

Well, folks, it’s been a long, hard trudge up Man Mountain in this, the first-ever Manliest Workplace in D.C. Competition. Mannishness was shunned! Femininity was ignored! And now,we’ve finally whittled our 64-workplace bracket down to eight crowned Captains of Industry who are proud to call themselves Men. Behold, the Emasculating Eight!

MEDIA: The Washington Times (52 points)
CULTURE: Washington Redskins, the Smithsonian (TIE, 38 points)
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT: The Senate (PERFECTION)
LOCAL GOVERNMENT: Fenty’s Cabinet (47 points)
LEGAL: Jones Day (88 percent manliness, or 48 points)
UNION: United Union of Roofers, Waterproofers, International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers, International Brotherhood of Teamsters (A TRIUMVIRATE OF TIED PERFECT SCORES)
ACADEMIA: Georgetown University (54 points)
ADVOCACY: Citizens United (PERFECTION)

For those filling out their brackets at home, those stats leave us with a final Fleshy Four of conservative moonie news source The Washington Times, obscure U.S. representative body the Senate, a whole bunch of unionized dudes, and bald eagle / Ronald Reagan advocacy group Citizens United. Who shall be victor (hint: not the Times!)? That depends on how each Fleshy Four candidate performs in the Sexist’s Manly FEATS OF STRENGTH (arbitrary decidey-things)!

On Monday, I’ll announce the tie-breakers between our five perfectly manly workplaces, and reveal the winner of our stay-at-home bracket-fill-out contest!

Today wraps up the intellectual bracket of the Manliest Workplace in D.C. tournament (See the full 64-workplace bracket here). Right now: The Center for American Progress takes on American University. Which org puts the man in A(m)eric(an)? How much longer can I sustain strained wordplay on the term “man,” “man”? Let’s find out!

CENTER FOR AMERICAN PROGRESS: This local think tank is dedicated to “improving” American lives through “ideas” and “action.” But can they put the man in “ideas” and/or “action,” to words that, in fact, do not hold the necessary letters to form the word “man”? To the org chart!

President and CEO John Podesta (Male, 10 points)
Exec. VP for Management Sarah Wartell (Female, ZERO)
Senior Fellow Laura Nichols (Female, ZERO)
Senior VP for Comm. Jennifer Palmieri (Female, ZERO)
Chief of Staff Peter Ogden (Male, 6 points)
Senior VP Nat’l Security & Int’l Pol. Rudy deLeon (Male, 5 points)
Senior VP for Development Debby Goldberg (Female, ZERO)
Senior VP and Dir. California Nina Hachigian (Female, ZERO)
Senior VP and Dir. Campus Progress David Halperin (Male, 2 points)
Senior VP for Online Andrew Sherry (Male, 1 point)

You call this progress? Twenty-four points out of a possible 55.

AMERICAN UNIVERSITY: Established by an act of Congress in 1893, this private institution is a shining beacon of United Methodism upon the banks of Nebraska and Massachusetts Avenues NW. But is there a method to its Man Madness? Let’s find out!

President Cornelius Kerwin (Male, 10 points)
Chairman of the Board Gary M. Abramson (Male, 9 points)
Provost Scott A. Bass (Male, 8 points)
Vice Chairman Thomas A. Gottschalk (Male, 7 points)
Exec Dir. Communications Terry Flannery (Female, ZERO)
VP of Campus Life Gail Short Hanson (Female, ZERO)
VP, General Counsel Mary E. Kennard (Female, ZERO)
VP of Development Thomas J. Minar (Male, 3 points)
VP of Finance, Treasurer Donald L. Myers (Male, 2 points)
Chief of Staff David Taylor (Male, 1 point)

With 40 points out of a possible 55, American University is a poor man’s Manly Institution, but it’s enough to advance this private U to the next round. Next week, we recap up the thinky bracket—and wrap up the tournament!—as the District’s advocacy organizations prove which side of the gender divide they’re really on.

The thinky portion of the Manliest Workplace in D.C. tournament continues today as Brookings challenges Georgetown for intellectual man dominance (See the full 64-workplace bracket here). So put on your thinking caps, four-eyes, and lets get to the competition!

BROOKINGS INSTITUTION: This D.C. think tank aims to “Strengthen American democracy, foster the economic and social welfare, security and opportunity of all Americans and secure a more open, safe, prosperous and cooperative international system.” But what is its position on strengthening and fostering our nation’s shrinking reserve of Manliness?
President Strobe Talbott (Male, 15 points*)
Chairman of the Board John L. Thornton (Male, 9 points)
Managing Director William Antholis (Male, 8 points)
VP, Dir. of Econ. and Devel. Lael Brainard (Female, ZERO)
VP, Dir. of Brookings Press Robert L. Faherty (Male, 6 points)
VP, Dir. of Econ. Studies William Gale (Male, 5 points)
VP, Dir. of Met. Policy Bruce Katz (Male, 4 points)
VP, Dir. of Foreign Policy Studies Carlos Pascual (Male, 3 points)
Treasurer and VP Frederick L. Silbernagel III (Male, 2 points)
VP for Comm. Melissa Skolfield (Female, ZERO)

* Extra point administered to all named “Strobe”

The Brookings Institution may not have a chance at competing with such perfectly scored institutions as the U.S. Senate and the Teamsters (thanks, Lael and Melissa). But I’m feeling saucy today, so I went ahead and administered an extra few point to Brookings’ president, whose name alone is a flashing beacon of manliness in a nation compromised by womanhood. Strobe brings Brookings’ manly total to 52 of 55 points.

—

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY: Though the mascot of D.C.’s most prestigious university, the Hoya (or “What”), reeks of namby-pamby intellectualism, its unofficial representative, the Bulldog (or “Mean, Scrappy Animal”) restores the institution’s manliness.

President John J. DeGioia (Male, 10 points)
Provost James J. O’Donnell (Male, 9 points)
Interim Dean, G’town College Chester L. Gillis (Male, 8 points)
Dean, Grad. School Timothy A. Barbari (Male, 7 points)
Dean, Walsh School Robert L. Gallucci (Male, 6 points)
Dean, McDonough School George G. Daly (Male, 5 points)
Dean, School of Contin. Studies Robert L. Manuel (Male, 4 points)
Dean of Students Todd A. Olson (Male, 3 points)
Director of Athletics Bernard M. Muir (Male, 2 points)
Office of Int’l Prog. Dir. Katherine Bellows (Female, ZERO)

Even devoid of a single Strobe, Georgetown registers a very strong showing of 54 out of a possible 55 points on the manly index. Brookings—pwned! Tune in tomorrow when we wrap up the smarts bracket as the Center of American Progress takes on American University.

Photo by NCinDC.

It’s day two in the thinky bracket of our Manliest Workplace in D.C. tournament, where our nation’s capital’s think tanks take on its academics in a fight for utter non-femininity (see the full 64-workplace bracket here)! This time: Will those Libertarian scallywags over at the Cato Institute prove brawnier than the George Washington University’s spoiled brats? Wow! Neither of them sound very manly!

THE CATO INSTITUTE: When they’re not scamming for dates on the Atlasphere or posting on CityDesk, Libertarians do some pretty serious mental heavy lifting about, like, free will or something, I don’t really know. But do they have the will to employ more males than females? Let’s find out!

President Edward H. Crane (Male, 10 points)
Chairman Robert A. Levy (Male, 9 points)
Chairman Emeritus William A. Niskanen (Male, 8 points)
VP for Comm. Khristine Brookes (Female, ZERO)
VP for Development Lesley Albanese (Female, ZERO)
Dir. of Gov. Affairs Brandon Arnold (Male, 5 points)
Man. of Gov. Affairs Kurt Couchman (Male, 4 points)
Man. of Ext. Relations Nicole Kurokawa (Female, ZERO)
VP for Finance Bill Erickson (Male, 2 points)
VP Gene Healy (Male, 1 point)

As my high school economics teacher always said, there is no such thing as a free pass in the Manliest Workplace in D.C. Tournament (TINSTAAFPITMWIDCT)! With 39 points out of the manliest 55, the Cato Institute exceeds mere manliness. But is it enough to administer a smackdown of Rand-ian proportions to . . .

THE GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY? My alma mater, which, despite what members of my extended family may tell you, is not Georgetown, boasts a 56 percent female student body. But what of the bodies in its top positions?

President Stephen Knapp (Male, 10 points)
Chairman of the Board W. Russell Ramsey (Male, 9 points)
Executive VP and Treasurer Louis H. Katz (Male, 8 points)
Executive VP for Academics Donald R. Lehman (Male, 7 points)
Senior VP and General Counsel Beth Nolan (Female, ZERO)
Senior VP Robert A. Chernak (Male, 5 points)
VP for Communications Michael Freedman (Male, 4 points)
VP for Development Laurel Price Jones (Female, ZERO)
VP Human Resources Val Monroe Berry (Male, 2 points)
Provost John F. Williams (Male, 1 point)

With 46 points out of a possible 55, the Colonials edge out Cato to go on to the second round. Tomorrow: Georgetown University’s fancy Catholics take on the Brookings Institution’s “left-liberal inclined” thinkers!

Photo by, appropriately, philosophygeek.

Things got heated in the manliest workplace in D.C. tournament last week, as the District’s unions and guilds faced off to go on to the finals. Things are still undecided here as three workplaces scored perfectly on the manly index—all men in the highest jobs, all the time. Here’s a recap:

Game 1: United Union of Roofers, Waterproofers and Allied Workers (PERFECT SCORE) Vs. Washington-Baltimore Newspaper Guild
Game 2: International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers (PERFECT SCORE) Vs. AFL-CIO
Game 3: International Brotherhood of Teamsters (PERFECT SCORE) Vs. United Food and Commercial Workers International Union
Game 4: National Association of Letter Carriers Vs. Service Employees International Union

We’ve got a three-way perfect-score tie here between the roofers, the electrical workers, the Teamsters. Those workplaces will face off against our other perfectly scored employer—the U.S. Senate—in the finals. Later this week, D.C.’s think tanks and universities go under the man microscope.

Welcome back to the union bracket of the Manliest Workplace in D.C. tournament, where 64 local workplaces vie to be the manliest. This afternoon, the granddaddy of all Brotherhoods—the Teamsters—faces off against the heady brew of the United Food and Commercial Workers International Union. To the org charts!

INTERNATIONAL BROTHERHOOD OF TEAMSTERS: Jimmy Hoffa may be several decades “missing,” but the Teamsters still have a lot of men around who aren’t sleeping with the fishes:

General President James P. Hoffa (Male, 10 points)
General Secretary-Treasurer C. Thomas Keegel (Male, 9 points)
Executive Board Member Randy Cammack (Male, 8 points)
Executive Board Member Fred Gegare (Male, 7 points)
Executive Board Member Ken Hall (Male, 6 points)
Executive Board Member Carroll E. Haynes (Male, 5 points)
Executive Board Member Fred Potter (Male, 4 points)
Executive Board Member Fred Simpson (Male, 3 points)
Executive Board Member George Tedeschi (Male, 2 points)
Executive Board Member Jack Cipriani (Male, 1 point)

That’s our third perfect man chart this week! Finally, the U.S. Senate gets some real competition!

—

UNITED FOOD AND COMMERCIAL WORKERS INTERNATIONAL UNION: Mmmm, men!

International President Joseph T. Hansen (Male, 10 points)
International Secretary-Treasurer Anthony M. Perrone (Male, 9 points)
Executive Vice President William T. McDonough (Male, 8 points)
Executive Vice President Patrick J. O’Neill (Male, 7 points)
Executive Vice President Wayne E. Hanley (Male, 6 points)
Local President C. James Lowthers (Male, 5 points)
Local Secretary/Treasurer Thomas P. McNutt (Male, 4 points)
Local Recorder Sue McQuain (Male, 3 points)
Local Executive Board Member Rose Bell (Female, ZERO)
Local Executive Board Member Mike Boyle (Male, 1 point)

With a hearty 53 out of 55 points on the manly index, the United Food and Commercial Workers International Union is impressively manly—but that just doesn’t cut it in the cutthroat world of unions and guilds, three of which so far are perfectly manly. Tune in on Friday to see who shall be victorious in this highly contested bracket.

Welcome back to the Manliest Workplace in D.C. tournament, where 64 local workplaces compete for top serious manliness. This week’s competitors: D.C.’s unions and guilds. So put on your brass knuckles and get ready

INTERNATIONAL BROTHERHOOD OF ELECTRICAL WORKERS: This brotherhood establishes its inherent manliness in its very name. But does it have the man-voltage to win this competition? Or will it burn out in a fantastical display of feminine electric sparkle? Let’s find out!

International President Edwin D. Hill (Male, 10 points)
International Secretary-Treasurer Lindell K. Lee (Male, 9 points)
International VP Philip Flemming (Male, 8 points)
International VP Frank Carroll (Male, 7 points)
International VP Donald Siegel (Male, 6 points)
International VP Salvatore J. Chilia (Male, 5 points)
International VP Joseph S. Davis (Male, 4 points)
International VP Joseph F. Lohman (Male, 3 points)
International VP Ted C. Jensen (Male, 2 points)
International VP Jonathan B. Gardner (Male, 1 point)

Looks like we have another perfect score. This is gonna get ugly!

—

AFL-CIO: Will the labor union’s union scrounge up enough men to beat out the electricians’ brawn? Below, the AFL-CIO’s top national officers—filled out with its Executive Council members, in alphabetical order:

President John J. Sweeney (Male, 10 points)
Executive Vice President Arlene Holt Baker (Female, ZERO)
Secretary-Treasurer Richard L. Trumka (Male, 8 points)
Building & Construction Mark Ayers (Male, 7 points)
AFGE Andrea E. Brooks (Female, ZERO)
Machinists R. Thomas Buffenbarger (Male, 5 points)
UAW Elizabeth Bunn (Female, ZERO)
Postal Workers William Burrus (Male, 3 points)
Communications Workers of America Larry Cohen (Male, 2 points)
United American Nurses Ann Converso (Female, ZERO)

AFL-CI-Uh-Oh! With 35 points out of a possible 55, the AFL-CIO falls to the IBEW. But watch out, boys—next up are the Teamsters!

Photo by dbrulz123.

We delve deep into Man Territory in the Manliest Workplace in D.C. tournament this week as union workers fight for the right to be manly (See the full 64-workplace bracket here). But will these unions’ org charts prove as manly as their storied muscley dispositions? Let’s find out!

UNITED UNION OF ROOFERS, WATERPROOFERS, AND ALLIED WORKERS: What manliness lurks inside the combined coffers of the world’s roofers, waterproofers, and allied workers? Behold!

International President Kinsey M. Robinson (Male, 10 points)
International Secretary-Treasurer Robert J. Danley (Male, 9 points)
First Vice President Donald Cardwell (Male, 8 points)
Second Vice President Douglas Ziegler (Male, 7 points)
Third Vice President Thomas Pedrick (Male, 6 points)
Fourth Vice President Paul F. Bickford (Male, 5 points)
Fifth Vice President James A. Hadel (Male, 4 points)
Sixth Vice President Donald A. O’Blenis (Male, 3 points)
Seventh Vice President Richard R. Mathis (Male, 2 points)
Eighth Vice President Daniel P. O’Donnell (Male, 1 point)

Water and female-proofed? Bonus! With 55 points out of 55 on the manly index, the UURWAW is as manly as possible. But don’t get that trophy case roofed and waterproofed just yet—there are seven more unions ready to compete for a tie. Including:

THE WASHINGTON-BALTIMORE NEWSPAPER GUILD: Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure this union’s not going to be the one to do it. Roll out your men anyway:

President Bill Salganik (Male, 10 points)
Vice President J. Darlene Meyer (Female, ZERO)
Secretary Mark Pattis (Male, 8 points)
Treasurer Sheila Lindsay (Female, ZERO)
Chair Mark Gruenberg (Male, 6 points)
Chair Angela Kuhl (Female, ZERO)
Chair Amy Lampkin (Female, ZERO)
Chair Reza Namdar (Male, 3 points)
Chair Robert Pierre (Male, 2 points)
Chair Andre Roberson (Male, 1 points)

No wonder newspapers are failing. Extra, extra. Thirty points on the manly index. Middling manliness, read all about it.

Poofs by pizzodisevo.

The Manliest Workplace in D.C. continued last week, as D.C.’s biggest firms were submitted to the powerful and dangerous force of my manly whim. In a cold and calculated assault, I, well, calculated the percentage of male partners employed in these firms’ local offices. Lets go to the stats (winners in bold):

Game 1: Covington & Burling (79.4 percent) vs. Steptoe & Johnson (80.9 percent)
Game 2: Wilmer Cutler Pickering Hale & Dorr (74.6 percent) vs. Akin Gump Strauss Hauer & Feld (88.2 percent)
Game 3: Williams & Connolly (86.4 percent) vs. Hogan & Hartson (75 percent)
Game 4: Arnold & Porter (77.8 percent) vs. Jones Day (88 percent)

Jones Day, with an impressive 88 percent manliness, will go on to face D.C.’s manliest in the final round. (See the full 64-workplace bracket here).

Welcome back to the Manliest Workplace in D.C. Tournament. The winner of the legal bracket will be decided today, as the arsenal of partners at Arnold & Porter faces off against the hired guns at Jones Day. (See the full 64-workplace bracket here). Will Arnie and Port be found guilty of employing an all-powerful percentage of manly men? Or will Jonesie be indicted for butt-slapping in the boys club? Could any lawyer possibly surpass the manly standard set by the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer character (right), as portrayed by the late Phil Hartman on NBC’s seminal sketch comedy program, “Saturday Night Live”? Never!

ARNOLD & PORTER: With 98 out of 126 partners in Arnold & Porter’s Washington, D.C. office stinking of Man, the firm weighs in at a 77.8 percent manliness.

JONES DAY: Jones Day only employs 83 partners in its District office—but of those, 73 are men (yes, Junius C. McElveen Jr. is a dude). That means that Jones Day beats its chest with close to 88 percent manliness every day of the man calendar—a veritable “pwn” over wimpy Arnold & Porter. But will this score be enough to send Jones Day to the Elite 8 of manliness? Stay tuned!

Welcome back to the Manliest Workplace in D.C. Tournament. This week, the long arm of the law has its strength tested as D.C.’s biggest law firms compete for man dominance. Today, the local partners of Williams & Connolly take on the upper-level lawyers at Hogan & Hartson (See the full 64-workplace bracket here). Will Williams, Connolly, Hogan, or Hartson have what it takes to claim the mantle of eternal manliness from the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer character (right), as portrayed by the late Phil Hartman on NBC’s seminal sketch comedy program, “Saturday Night Live”? Court is now in session!

WILLIAMS & CONNOLLY: With 89 out of 103 partners in D.C. falling on the man side of the gender continuum, Williams & Connolly registers an 86.4 percent on the manly scale.

HOGAN & HARTSON: Hogan & Hartson employs a heart-stopping number of female partners: 60. But with 183 male partners filling out its 243-partner strong D.C. office, it still maintains an impressive 75 percent manliness. Not enough to out-man Will-Conn, though, who will go on to the next round of the tournament.

Stay tuned later today, when Arnold & Porter and Jones Day are called to the stand.

Welcome back to the Manliest Workplace in D.C. Competition, wherein I arbitrarily and decisively rate local workplaces based on how many dudes they employ. Fear my wrath! (And see the entire 64-workplace bracket here). This week: Are D.C.’s law firms as manly as the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer character (right), as portrayed by the late Phil Hartman on NBC’s seminal sketch comedy program, “Saturday Night Live”? Let’s find out!

The legal bracket of the competition continues with two surname heavy firms. But doth Wilmer Cutler Pickering Hale & Door & Akin Gump Strauss Hauer & Feld protest too much? Show me your non-sexual partners!

WILMER CUTLER PICKERING HALE & DORR: Of the 130 partners in Wilmer’s D.C. office, 97 are men. If my calculations are correct—and they may very well not be—that leaves the firm with a pretty Dorr 74.6 percent manliness.

AKIN GUMP STRAUSS HAUER & FELD: With 90 out of 102 partners in the Washington, D.C. branch appearing to be men, the dudes at AGSH&F register an impressive 88.2 percent manliness. And prove victorious!

Tune in tomorrow when more reasonably named law firms Williams & Connolly and Hogan & Hartson man up.

Welcome back to the Manliest Workplace in D.C. competition. This week, Washington’s workplaces take the stand in this, our legal bracket! (See the full 64-workplace bracket here). Since D.C.’s most powerful firms have a whole lot of man power, I’ve decided to switch up the format here. In the most sexually charged Man Madness contest yet, the manly factor of the District’s law firms will be decided solely by the ratio of male to female partners. Today, first seed Covington & Burling LLP faces off against eighth seed Steptoe & Johnson in the battle to most closely approximate the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer (right), as portrayed by the late Phil Hartman on NBC’s seminal sketch comedy program, “Saturday Night Live.” Howdy, partners!

COVINGTON & BURLING: C&B boast 131 partner-level attorneys in the D.C. area—104 of which are men. That means Covington & Burling has a manly factor of 79.4 percent. But will that be enough to pass the bar?

STEPTOE & JOHNSON: Steptoe & Johnson also employs 131 partners in Washington, D.C. But with 106 men in its partner ranks, its manly factor is a virile 80.9 percent.

Over-ruled! Steptoe & Johnson upsets the competition by a mere two men. You survive now, Steptoe and Johnson, if those are your real names. But will you prove victorious over Wilmer Cutler Pickering Hale & Door and Akin Gump Strauss Hauer & Feld, who have more men in their names, if not in their hearts? Stay tuned!

Last week, we determined the manliness factor of eight workplaces in the local government sector of the Manliest Workplace in D.C. competition. (See the full 64-workplace bracket here). Let’s go to the standings!

With 47 out of 55 manly points, Fenty’s cabinet edges out the fiery competition to go on to our tournament’s elite eight of Manlieness. Stay tuned later today for the kick-off of our legal competition!

The Manliest Workplace in D.C. Competition continues today in a match-up sure to be less painful than most acts of Congress! (See the full 64-workplace bracket here). Today, the Federal Government bracket heats up as our bicameral legislature goes mano-a-mano to determine final man dominance (until the new, possibly gender-compromised Congress is sworn in). For now, we live in 110th Congress man-bliss as the House takes on the Senate:

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES: Congressional leaders are listed first, followed by the longest-serving members of the House, in order to give credit to those public servants who have lent the most years of manliness to our great man nation. Lets get to governin’!

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (Female, ZERO)
Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (Male, 9 points)
Minority Leader John Boehner (Male, 8 points)
Majority Whip James E. Clyburn (Male, 7 points)
Minority Whip Roy Blunt (Male, 6 points)
Representative John Dingell (’55, Male, 5 points)
Representative John Conyers (‘65, Male, 4 points)
Representative Dave Obey (‘69, Male, 3 points)
Representative Charles B. Rangel (‘71, Male, 2 points)
Representative Bill Young (‘71, Male, 1 point)

With a manly index of 45 out of 55, Nancy Pelosi really ruined it for everyone. Thanks Nancy.

—

SENATE: Same shit, different chamber:

President Pro Tempore Robert Byrd (Male, 10 points)
Majority Leader Harry Reid (Male, 9 points)
Minorty Leader Mitch McConnell (Male, 8 points)
Majority Whip Dick Durbin (Male, 7 points)
Minority Whip Jon Kyl (Male, 6 points)
Senator Ted Kennedy (’62, Male, 5 points)
Senator Daniel Inouye (‘63, Male, 4 points)
Senator Ted Stevens (’68, Male, 3 points)
Senator Pete Domenici (‘73, Male, 2 points)
Senator Joe Biden (‘73, Male, 1 point)

DING DING DING! And it’s Biden at the buzzer! Unleash the confetti! Cue “Macho Man”! Book Randy Savage for the post-game run-down! The Senate has registered our very first 100% on the manly scale, positively governing the sexually confused House of Representatives! Will any institution dare challenge it? Stay tuned!

Photo by Ken Lund.

Welcome back to the Manliest Workplace in D.C. Tournament. With the Culture bracket languishing in a statistical dead heat between the Washington Redskins and the Smithsonian Institution, it’s time to turn our attentions to the granddaddy of all granddaddy employers: The Federal Government! (See the full 64-workplace bracket here).

Today, one-seed the Supreme Court takes on the eight-seed U.S. Postal Service. Will a collection of robed-swathed old men fall to a legion of boys in short pants? Let’s find out!

THE SUPREME COURT: This high-talkin’ decidey-branch hashes it out on issues manly (District of Columbia v. Heller) and non (Roe v. Wade). But in the court of Man, will these Justices be served? Let’s go to the line-up:

Chief Justice John G. Roberts (Male, 10 points)
Justice John Paul Stevens (Male, 9 points)
Justice Antonin Scalia (Male, 8 points)
Justice Anthony Kennedy (Male, 7 points)
Justice David Souter (Male, 6 points)
Justice Clarence Thomas (Male, 5 points)
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg (Female, ZERO)
Justice Stephen Breyer (Male, 3 points)
Justice Samuel Alito (Male, 2 points)
Retired Justice Sandra Day O’Connor (Female, ZERO)

Order in the court! In a striking 8-to-2 decision, the court comes down on the very manly side with a score of 50 on the manly index. Anita who?

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U.S. POSTAL SERVICE: They deliver your mail, but do they deliver the male? It’s too easy!

Postmaster General John E. Potter (Male, 10 points)
Deputy Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe (Male, 9 points)
President Robert F. Bernstock (Male, 8 points)
CFO Harold Glen Walker (Male, 7 points)
Chief HR Officer Anthony Vegliante (Male, 6 points)
CIO Ross Philo (Male, 5 points)
Senior VP Mary Anne Gibbons (Female, ZERO)
Senior VP Linda Kingsley (Female, ZERO)
Senior VP Stephen M. Kearney (Male, 2 points)
Gov. Relations VP Marie Therese Dominguez (Female, ZERO)

Return to sender! Even with an impressive 47 out of 55 points on the manly index, the U.S. Postal Services falls to the highest court in the land. Duh. Tune in again tomorrow when Bush’s cabinet faces off against the Federal Reserve!

Photo of the Supreme Court by the wonderful NCinDC; U.S. Postal Museum by Dustin Coates.

Well, it’s been a hell of a week in non-manliness. I hope we’ve all learned something about D.C. culture here, folks: It is, at best, marginally manly. So while the winner of the Culture bracket will have the satisfaction of besting his peers, he will almost certainly fall to the mighty Washington Times in the elite eight. (See the full 64-workplace bracket here). Whatever. Let’s get straight to the recap:

Oh, Fuuuuck come on! With a just-ok manly rating of 38, the Smithsonian Institution and the Washington Redskins manage to tie this pathetic thing. Figures, “Culture.” Tune in next week as we determine the winner of the Culture bracket through arbitrary decidey-things!

This week wraps up the Culture bracket in the Sexist’s Manliest Workplace in D.C. Competition. Today, we give the arbitrary calculation treatment to the Studio Theatre and the D.C. outfit of Madame Tussauds. Will the human impressionists of the threatre prove manlier than the wax dummies of the house of oddities? Find out!

STUDIO THEATRE: This contemporary theater claims to have “received nearly 200 Helen Hayes Award nominations for artistic excellence since the awards were founded in 1985.” But will it receive the local theater world’s highest honor, victory in the Manliest Workplace competition?

Founding Artistic Director Joy Zinoman (Female, ZERO)
Managing Director Keith Alan Baker (Male, 9 points)
Executive Dir. of Inst. Devel. Morey B. Epstein (Male, 8 points)
Director of Administration Roma Rogers (Female, ZERO)
Director of Communications Liane Jacobs (Female, ZERO)
Assoc. Producing Art. Dir. Serge Seiden (Male, 5 points)
Literary Manager/Dramaturg Sarah Wallace (Female, ZERO)
Technical Director Derek Cook (Male, 3 points)
Information Tech. Manager Thomas Lincoln (Male, 2 points)
Facilities Manager Kieran Kelly (Male, 1 point)

With 28 out of 55 points on the manly index, this might be el fin for Studio.

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MADAME TUSSAUDS: As Tussaud’s power lies in wax, not flesh, I’ve decided to eschew the actual org chart at D.C.’s newest fake-person shrine. Instead, I’ll rank the museum on the gender ratio of its most prized celebrity look-alikes, based on the order of their presentation on Tussaud’s Web site. Wax on:

First Lady Jackie Kennedy-Onassis ((Deceased) Female, ZERO)
President George Washington ((Deceased) Male, 9 points)
Television host Tyra Banks (Female, ZERO)
President Ronald Reagan ((Deceased) Male, 7 points)
Pop singer Madonna (Female, ZERO)
Baseball player Babe Ruth ((Deceased) Male, 5 points)
President George W. Bush (Male, 4 points)
Astronaut Buzz Aldrin (Male, 3 points)
President Dwight Eisenhower (Male, 2 points)
Actor Denzel Washington (Male, 1 point)

Wham, bam, thank you Madame! Who cares if most of Tussaud’s brightest pillars of man are dead? Wax, it seems, is thicker than contemporary theatre. With a manly index of 31 out of 55, Ms. T edges out Studio Theatre to fill out the second round of the Culture bracket. Tune back in later today for your weekly Man Madness recap.

Photos by NCinDC

THE FOUNDING CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY: When I graduated college, the Church of Scientology posted a dozen or so job openings on my university’s student job board, in fields ranging from agriculture to writing. I was prepared to apply for a job (hey, I’m a writer) when a friend of mine suggested that the Church was likely just preying on lost, confused post-grad souls.

If anyone did find a real job with the Church of Scientology, founded in Washington, D.C. in 1955, I wouldn’t know it; beyond celeb devotees like Tom Cruise and Victoria Beckham, Scientologists are pretty cagey about who prays—and works—for the spiritual machine. When I called the local office, a guy named “David” told me that the church wasn’t too interested in publicizing a list of higher-ups; he referred me to “Sylvia.” When I called “Sylvia,” I was transferred back to “David.” Figures.

Never mind that the only leaders of the Founding Church of Scientology I was able to find on the Web were a dead dude and a celebrity minister who chairs the board of the Religious Technology Center, the organization tasked with “monitoring and enforcing the purity of technical application” of the religion. The show must go on:

Founder L. Ron Hubbard (Deceased (Male, 10 points))
Chairman of the Board David Miscavige (Male, 9 points)
Phone Answerer “David” (Male, 8 points)
Referenced in Passing “Sylvia” (Female, ZERO)
Celebrity Tom Cruise (Male, 6 points)
Celebrity Victoria Beckham (Female, ZERO)
Alien Ruler Xenu (Male, 4 points)
Operating Thetan Level III (Unspecified, ZERO)
Operating Thetan Level II (Unspecified, ZERO)
Operating Thetan Level I (Unspecified, ZERO)

With the help of a mean-spirited extraterrestrial and the world’s most famous cocktail bartender, the Founding Church of Scientology registers an impressive 37 out of 55 on the manly index. But will that 67 percent manliness push L. Ron & co. over those staid Catholics Episcopalians north of Georgetown?

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THE NATIONAL CATHEDRAL: This U.S. base for the Episcopal Church claims to welcome “people of all faiths and none.” But does it welcome more men than women? Let us pray:

Cathedral Dean Samuel T. Lloyd III (Male, 10 points)
Cathedral Vicar The Rev. Canon Stephen Huber (Male, 9 points)
Chief Operating Officer Kathleen Cox (Female, ZERO)
Associate Dean for Administration and Finance Andrew Hullinger (Male, 7 points)
Executive Director for External Relations Michael E. Hill (Male, 6 points)
Associate Warden of the Cathedral College Shelagh Casey Brown (Female, ZERO)
Director of Philanthropy TC Benson (Female, ZERO)
Budget and Finance Director Kim Carlson (Female, ZERO)
Director, Visitor Programs & Volunteer Julie Cooke (Female, ZERO)
Director of Music Michael McCarthy (Male, 1 point)

Only 33 out of 55 on the manly scale? Pwned! See you next year, Washington National Cathedral!

Tomorrow, tune in for the contest between the Smithsonian Institution and the National Symphony Orchestra. For now, I leave you with this prescient L. Ron Hubbard quote:

The most neglected friend you have is you. And yet every man, before he can be a true friend to the world, must first become a friend to himself.

Cathedral photo by ~MVI~; Founding Church of Scientology photo by brixton.

The media bracket man-off continues today as American-language daily USA TODAY takes on Spanish-language weekly El Pregonero. The winner of this contest will go on to face the impressively manly Washington Times in the second round. Check out the rest of this week’s Manliest Workplace Tournament action: Washington Times Vs. Washingtonian and Washington Post Vs. Congressional Quarterly. Review the entire 64-workplace bracket here.

USA TODAY: USA TODAY is as pro-America as you can get for a newspaper based out of the non-real-Virginia city of McLean. “USA TODAY hopes to serve as a forum for better understanding and unity to help make the USA truly one nation,” reads the daily quote from founder Alan Neuharth on the paper’s editorial page. But how pro-man is it? Let’s find out!

President and Publisher Craig Moon (Male, 10 points)
Editor Ken Paulson (Male, 9 points)
Executive Editor John Hillkirk (Male, 8 points)
Editor, Editorial Page, Brian Gallagher (Male, 7 points)
Senior VP Advertising Brett Wilson (Male, 6 points)
Senior VP Circulation Larry Lindquist (Male, 5 points)
Senior VP and Publisher, USATODAY.com Jeff Webber (Male, 4 points)
Senior VP Marketing Susan Lavington (Female, ZERO)
News Managing Editor Carol Stevens (Female, ZERO)
Money Managing Editor Jim Henderson (Male, 1 point)

USA! USA! With an impressive score of 50 out of 55 on the manly index, USA TODAY yields a very manly mancentage of 90.9%.

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EL PREGONERO: As D.C.’s oldest Spanish-language paper, El Pregonero is a local news authority for the District’s Hispanic community. But El Preg itself has the support of a higher authority; the weekly is administered by the Carroll Publishing Company, which also turns out The Catholic Standard and serves as a mouthpiece for the local Catholic church, the Archdiocese of Washington. Good thing, too: As El Pregonero’s list of “Important People” yields only four names, I’ve beefed up the rest of the org chart with Archdiocese higher-ups.

General Manager Tom Schmidt (Male, 10 points)
Editor Rafael Roncal (Male, 9 points)
Circulation Manager Irieska Gutierrez (Female, ZERO)
Advertising Sales Manager Francisco Vega (Male, 7 points)
Archbishop of Washington Donald W. Wuerl (Male, 6 points)
Secretary to the Archbishop Rev. Adam Park (Male, 5 points)
Archbishop Emeritus of Washington Cardinal Theodore McCarrick (Male, 4 points)
Moderator of the Curia and Vicar for Administration: Rev. Msgr. Barry Knestout (Male, 3 points)
Auxiliary Bishop/Vicar General Most Rev. Francisco Gonzalez (Male, 2 points)
Auxiliary Bishop Most Rev. Martin D. Holley (Male, 1 point)

Lord have mercy! El Pregonero and Catholicism team up to score an impressive 48 on the Manly Index. That’s a solid 87 percent manliness, or a B-plus for those tuning in from divinity school. But all the Auxiliary Bishops in the world can’t steal USA TODAY’s thunder; the daily edges ‘em out by only two points to go on to face the Washington Times in round two.

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GLASS CEILING CRACK COUNT: Gutierrez, Stevens, and Lavington knock three more cracks in D.C.’s very own glass ceiling, bringing the current count to 15 women out of 60 positions surveyed.

Tune in again tomorrow when we finish up the media bracket with a can’t-miss face off: Home team the Washington City Paper takes on that other alt-weekly, the Washington Blade.

Will Sommer over at Georgetown Voice blog Vox Populi gives the Manliest Workplace treatment to the university’s many campus rags. According to Sommer’s calculations, the Georgetown Academy is the manliest of GU’s publications, while the Independent scores lowest on the Manly Index with a mannish 13.

Sommer also notes that, as Vox Populi’s sole editor, Sommer’s maleness scores his outfit “a perfect ten out of ten in manliness.” By that same token, The Sexist scores a big fat zero.

Will Sommer have the guts to blog this blog about the blog he posted about my blog? Stay tuned!

The Manliest Workplace in D.C. tournament, in which we rate local businesses based on the man factor of their org charts, kicks off today. Check out our online bracket for all 64 workplaces that will be competing in the coming weeks. We’re starting with the media bracket this week, culling top jobs from editorial, advertising, and production floors. And now, for our first media match-up: Who’s manlier, the Washington Times or the Washingtonian?

And they’re off!

THE WASHINGTON TIMES: Founded by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon in 1982, the paper is a rare conservative beacon in a town of dirty liberals. But are they manly conservatives, or mere equal-opportunity ones? Let’s go to the org chart!

Chairman of the Board Douglas D.M. Joo (Male, 10 points)
President and Publisher Thomas P. McDevitt (Male, 9 points)
Executive Editor John Solomon (Male, 8 points)
Chief Financial Officer Keith Cooperridedr (Male, 7 points)
Associate Publisher Richard H. Amberg Jr. (Male, 6 points)
V.P., Sales & Marketing Randall S. Brant (Male, 5 points)
V.P., Strategic Development Frank Grow (Male, 4 points)
V.P., Human Resources Sonya R. Jenkins (Female, ZERO)
Managing Editor-Print David Jones (Male, 2 points)
Managing Editor-Digital Jefrrey H. Birnbaum (Male, 1 points)

Well, well, well. Look at who has all the boldy names on the masthead! (Excepting you, Sonya R. Jenkins, brave Vice President of Human Resources). The Washington Times comes out fighting on opening day with an impressive score of 52 out of 55 on the manly index (very manly). In 2002, Rev. Moon announced (in Korean) that WaTi is “responsible to let the American people know about God.” Shout it from the hilltops, staffers: The God of Washington Times is a 94.5 percent manly God.

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WASHINGTONIAN MAGAZINE: D.C.’s lifestyle monthly is always there to help you in all aspects of Washington livin’, from judging your “sidewalk style” to testing your bridal etiquette. But are these stylish ‘zillas the bride or the groom type? Let’s take a look, shall we?

Chairman Eleanor Merrill (Female, ZERO)
President & Publisher Catherine M. Williams (Female, ZERO)
Editor John A. Limpert (Male, 8 points)
Design Director Eileen OTousa Crowson (Female, ZERO)
Advertising Director Edward P. Mansfield Jr. (Male, 6 points)
Production Director Margaret Dooley (Female, ZERO)
Online Ed. Director Catherine Andrews (Female, ZERO)
Senior Editor Sherri Dalphonse (Female, ZERO)
Senior Editor Ken DeCell (Male, 2 points)
Senior Managing Editor William O’Sullivan (Male, 1 point)

That stings! Sure, few pubs would stand a chance against the manpower of the Washington Times—that’s why the paper was predicted a one seed, and the Washingtonian a lowly eight. Still, with only 17 points out of 55, Washingtonian Magazine is only 30% manly (hardly manly at all). Looks like the Washingtonian is out of the race early this year, but they have managed to record six parting blows in our …

GLASS CEILING CRACK COUNT! Where we record how many high-powered Washington women are chipping away at that pesky invisible promotion-killer.

Six women in the upper echelons of Washington Magazine and one at the Washington Times brings our glass ceiling crack count up to—-SEVEN!

Tune in tomorrow, when four-seed Congressional Quarterly takes on the five-seed Washington Post!

UPDATE: A reader informed me that I initially looked over Washington Times Executive Editor John Solomon–a very important man—on the paper’s org chart. Well, he’s back in the game, and WaTi is manlier than ever!

Reminder: Today is the last day to submit your bracket in the Sexist’s Manliest Workplace in D.C. tournament. Fill out a chart today—entrants stand to win a marginally manly City Paper prize pack.

Starting tomorrow, the games begin, when the Washington Post Washington Times’ newshounds face off against Washingtonian’s finest, and El Pregonero takes on those folksiest org chart east of Alaska at USA Today.