Now that we've exhausted the decade in masculine trends, it's time for us to take a look back at the aughts' many cultural incarnations of femininity. The versions of femininity that have been aggressively marketed to us over the past ten years, from "not that innocent" pop tarts to Sex & the City fashionistas to Kill Bill's ass-kicker.

POP TARTS.

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Peak Year: 2000

When Britney Spears' first single, ". . . Baby One More Time," dropped in 1998, Spears' aesthetics presented a "disturbing mix of childhood innocence and adult sexuality" (according to the immortal words of the American Family Association). By the 2000's, Spears had abandoned the "innocence" part in favor of shimmying on-stage in nude bodysuits, cavorting with a live python, and frenching Madonna. Soon, Spears was accidentally flashing her genitals, shaving her head, and endangering her children (providing the AFA even more fodder for their campaign against sexual girls). For a time, fellow sexy-innocent (and former Mouseketeer buddy) Christina Aguilera appeared to be on the Spears trajectory—in 2002, Aguilera began referring to herself as "XTina" and appeared in assless chaps in the video for "Dirrty." Then, Aguliera got (and stayed) married and had a son. That was the narrative of the pop tarts of the aughts—her commercialized and sexually-charged celebrity either forced her to crash and burn, or petered out into a more traditionally feminine role—wife and mother.

Ambassadors: Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera

Uniform: Live snake, belly-button piercing, thong or nothing.

Activities: Writhing, belting, riding with Paris

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NERVOUS WRECKS.

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Peak Year: 2001

In 2001, Bridget Jones arrived on-screen to comfort every woman who believes she is too old, too fat, too drunk, and too daft to ever be loved. Hey! Despite all the self-loathing, she comes away with two handsome suitors (and aren't men the point of life, anyway?) Despite Jones' more anti-feminist tendencies—she's a career girl, but she's still obsessed with losing weight and finding a boyfriend—she helped make way for the comedy based on the flawed leading lady. By the end of the decade, viewers were ready to embrace a more interesting flawed character—Tina Fey's Liz Lemon. Amanda Marcotte has this to say about how Lemon's flaws work: "Over the course of the show, we’ve learned that Liz is lazy, a glutton, anti-social, a bully, insecure, prone to fantasies, and emotionally screwed up to the point where she can’t have normal relationships. These facts have caused some feminists to bunch up, but I’m pretty happy overall with it. If we don’t want women relegated to window dressing in comedy, they have to play deeply flawed characters, because comedy is built around laughing at deeply flawed people navigate the world, making light of our own flaws and making us feel superior." The difference between Bridget and Liz is that Liz isn't ultimately rewarded for her self-loathing.

Ambassadors: Bridget Jones, Liz Lemon

Uniform: Granny panties, food stains.

Activities: Obsessive dieting, lying, self-mockery.

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In an editorial slide-show titled Lindsay Lohan: A Metamorphosis, the Washington Post's Liz Kelly revisits the many looks the 23-year-old starlet has cultivates over the years. But this is no style retrospective treatment, a la Madonna's chameleon-like fashion choices or Tyra's wacky wigs. This slide-show is focused exclusively on each stage of Lohan's career, and whether or not she looked ugly in it!

Let's see how Kelly rates Lohan's attractiveness over the past five years:

2004: "Channeling a bit of Britney Spears's 'little girl gone bad' mojo."

2005: "Bleach blond"; "rapidly shrinking frame"; "eating disorder"; "possible drug abuse."

2006: "Apparently at a healthier weight"; "curvy, brunette."

2007: "Healthy-ish."

2009: "Bathing suit-clad"; "victim of her own Sevin Nyne brand tanning mist"; "a blond, haggard Lohan."

Lohan is a celebrity, and part of being a celebrity is having your appearance intensely scrutinized by gossip columnists. Still, why is the Washington Post devoting editorial space on its front page that can be reduced to one catty Hollywood insult—Lohan looks "haggard"?

According to the slideshow's introduction, the product was an exercise in edginess. It reads, "Lindsay Lohan has been, dare we say it, looking a bit rough of late. Maybe it's the bleached hair or the fake tan, but it's getting harder to remember that Lohan is only 23." Apparently, publishing a fluffy celebrity slide-show filled with Perez Hilton-ready body-snarking now constitutes a "daring" editorial decision.

Actually, expressing that women look old, unattractive, unhealthy, too fat, too thin, or too blond is pretty much par for the course, as far as media coverage of women's bodies are concerned. The Post's celebrity sensibilities are actually beginning to wear a bit—dare I say it?—old.

10. Barbara knocks out the personal and the professional in under 140 characters.

9. I love how Barbara calls what she does "making news."

8.  So . . . what are you doing? Yeah, me too.

7. This is more like it:

6. Ow!

5. Happy, but . . .

4. Hehe!

3. Which is cuter: Barbara Walters' honesty, or her spelling? Trick question: The periods in the middle of a sentence are the cutest!

2. I'm sure "touching" doesn't mean what I initially thought it meant here.

1. Why waste a Tweet on one thought alone?

Hat tip: I started following Walters on Twitter after being introduced to her 140-character insights through Tracie Egan's Tweet Beat.You can follow Tracie on Twitter here.

But as a consumer of nipple shots, such versatility can become confusing. It's often difficult to know the socially acceptable reaction to every stray projection of skin that catches your eye. Should you high-five your buddy or vomit discreetly into your hands? I'm here to help.

Taking a page from our friends at the Huffington Post, I've compiled some photos of famously exposed nipples—complete with "NSFW Zoom" (Not Janet Jackson, she's too obvious). First, review the Guidelines For Socially Acceptable Reactions to Nipples. Then, check out some Famously Exposed Nipples (NSFW-Zoomed into focus) and see if your gut response to each biological structure is in line with society's nipple norms.

Guidelines For Socially Acceptable Reactions to Nipples:

* All of a woman's breast revealed except for the nipple, which may be obscured by clothing, hair, or paint: sexy.

* All of a woman's breast revealed including the nipple: sexy; obscene.

* Renaissance-era artistic rendering of a woman's breast including the nipple: art.

* All of a man's chest revealed including the nipple: null. Unlike female nipples, which are either HOT or TOTALLY GROSS, male nipples are just there.

* All of a woman's breast revealed including the nipple while breastfeeding: not sexy; not obscene; to some, however, still totally fucking gross, far more disgusting than a normal female nipple, whose only reproductive function ought to be arousing you on-sight (Note: it is not yet socially acceptable to take photos of women breastfeeding in public in order to engineer "gotcha" nipple slip headlines).

* All of a woman's breast including the nipple, which the woman inadvertently flashes for the camera (also known as a "nipple slip"): sexy; obscene; still, manages to maintain the relative innocence of the woman who has inadvertently revealed the nipple, making the it that much sexier; unless of course it is Pamela Anderson's nipple, in which case the nipple slip is simply very obscene and not sexy at all, because Pam Anderson is agreed to be too slutty to pull off the treasured nipple slip dynamic.

—

Famously Exposed Nipples:

A. B.

C. D.

E. F.

G. H.

—

Socially Acceptable Reactions to These Nipples, Revealed:

A. Natalie Portman's nipple slip: sexier. SUITABLE REACTION: High-five.

B. Pamela Anderson's nipple slip: obscene; not sexy. SUITABLE REACTION: Vomit discreetly into hands.

C. Lindsay Lohan's nipple, obscured by hair: sexy. SUITABLE REACTION: Retweet.

D. Ian McKellen's nipple (male): null. SUITABLE REACTION: Curse your "celebrity nipple" google search for leading you astray.

E. Lady Gaga's nipple: sexy; obscene. SUITABLE REACTION: High-five.

F. Beyonce's nipple slip: sexier. SUITABLE REACTION: High-five.

G. A Real Housewife's nipple slip, obscured by clothing: sexy. SUITABLE REACTION: High-five.

H. Mona Lisa's nipple (rumored): art. SUITABLE REACTION: Scratch chin.

Daily Intel and Slate's XX Factor have congratulated La Lohan on the video, saying she's found the one way to make the public embrace her again, as XX Factor's Samantha Henig writes, "in spite of the mess she has become—or rather, because she is so self-aware of said mess."

But despite the funny lines she's been fed, and her willingness to be a good sport by choking them out, I can't help but noting that Lohan looks mechanical, exhausted, and lifeless throughout this thing. Perhaps it's too soon for Lohan to enthusiastically embrace self-deprecating jokes on her very recent split with Samantha Ronson. She half-heartedly endures them instead—below.

The Washington Post reports today that the baby gorilla born in the National Zoo on Jan. 10 is a baby girl. A zoo spokesperson said it took zookeepers a full three weeks to determine the sex of the gorilla; post-birth, the "hairy arm" of 26-year-old gorilla mama Mandara "protected the newborn and screened her from view." But mama couldn't cage this little wild child forever:

The sex of the baby was confirmed when, during one of the baby's "rare unshielded moments," a "zoo photographer snapped a close-up" of the gorilla's ladyparts.

So: The National Zoo employs its own paparazzi, and its assignments include snapping up-skirts of baby animals to confirm that their genitals appear female? Soon, this still-unnamed baby gorilla will be hanging out with Spears and Lohan, clutching its miniskirt as it exits an SUV with no panties on. Baby gorillas grow up so fast.

While there's no guarantee that Lohan will show with Ronson at LUX, located at 649 New York Ave. NW, that's no reason not to go, hang out too close to the DJ booth trying to see her, and not have any fun at all tonight ever. Whatever, no cover for the laaadiessssss! Bonus: Hit up Metromix within the next 20 minutes to get on the guest list and win a chance for "VIP table service" complete with "a bottle of Absolut 100, a bottle of Moet Champagne, a bucket of Miller Lites and entry for up to six of your best friends."

Well, at 1:15 a.m. this morning, Lohan answered that question—and others that you didn't even know you had—in a blog posted straight from Ronson's DJ booth to LiLo's Myspace page. Here's what Lohan had to say about the District:

Washington, D.C.- you're probably thinking that you are going to a monument of some sort... well, you're highly wrong loves....Washington, D.C.-you're in a club, you are here for support for someone that you care for very much, VERY MUCH.. But, you're here just to chill and support, not to be seen and heard... Not to be on display in the dj booth...or to feel as if you are in a cage at the Bronx Zoo...Do you see what i am getting at???

Lohan continues to describe the Bronx National Zoo treatment: "aside from the fact that she is an amazing dj and i am having a nice time, the glass mirror placed to my left to hide me from photos (literally) is making it all a bit uncomfortable!!!" Lohan wrote. Despite the uncomfortable spotlight, Lohan took a moment to get in a confusing jab at Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin:

Sitting here makes me think about the fact that if Sarah Palin was in office, and living in Washington.. On a "slow" night, she would probably be dressing as one of the gossip girls or tina fey to try and "be cool" enough to get into this club.

Okay, I mean, what?

Granted: Lohan and Ronson's relationship has been a refreshing one among high-profile couples. There was no coming out announcement, no sad-sack famous dudes acting as beards, no big explanation that they are "just two women who happen to be in love." And I think that's gone a long way in helping to normalize gay and lesbian relationships for a still-homophobic public.

The relationship blogging, though, could use a little work. I think I can help. Call me, Lindsay. Please, please, call me.

Full Lohan blog entry after the jump.

all grown up and .. an outsider for some nights..

all grown up and .. an outsider for some nights..
How does it feel to be an outsider?....behind the scenes type of feeling.
Picture this in your head, if you're willing to focus for a second my friends ;)
Washington, D.C.- you're probably thinking that you are going to a monument of some sort... well, you're highly wrong loves....
Washington, D.C.-you're in a club, you are here for support for someone that you care for very much, VERY MUCH.. But, you're here just to chill and support, not to be seen and heard... Not to be on display in the dj booth...or to feel as if you are in a cage at the Bronx Zoo...
Do you see what i am getting at???
Alright, so i am literally sitting in the dj booth at a club in Washington, D.C. where Samantha is djing and they have a computer at the back of the booth, which i am on right now..
aside from the fact that she is an amazing dj and i am having a nice time, the glass mirror placed to my left to hide me from photos (literally) is making it all a bit uncomfortable!!!

This blog isn't really intended to mean much, it's just something to let people into my life-kind of a blog to let people know that i am working hard and i go out when samantha is working because she's pretty great to hear and i love to be around her and her energy as much as possible.

Sitting here makes me think about the fact that if Sarah Palin was in office, and living in Washington.. On a "slow" night, she would probably be dressing as one of the gossip girls or tina fey to try and "be cool" enough to get into this club.

I guess me thinking, and blogging about her gives her more attention and credit than she actually deserves.. but as Madonna says. "Express Yourself"

so.... i will
now and forever
be blessed
xx L

this song has nothing to do with Palin .. fyi

Currently listening : Express Yourself By Madonna Release date: 1998-07-07