Welcome back from Winter Break, sexually active college students (and old people wondering what those darned kids are up to these days)! The battle for ideological dominance in our nation’s capital’s collegiate sex columns continues. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of pretending that sexual orientation is just a "phase."

This week: When you're fucking a guy named "Dirty Jersey," and he doesn't want to wear a condom; how to stop being friends and start getting laid; is bisexuality the new black?

HOWARD UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tips: in "Is Bisexuality the New Black?", Aaron Randol surveys Howard University students about this crazy new "trend." "Is college a catalyst for bisexual behavior? And if so, does this mean bisexuality is nothing more than a trend, the new black?" Randol writes. "The notion that bisexuality in college is just a trend proves controversial for[one bisexual man]; as he, like many others, have had feelings towards both sexes before college."

Life Lessons: One of Randol's classmates describes the campus male bisexuality epidemic: "I am positive more guys at Howard than girls are trying bisexuality. Less than 5 percent of the girls that I know of here are trying or have tried it, but I’d say 50 percent of my guy friends have tried. I don’t know if it’s Howard or if it’s how people are leaning in general. But it seems like here, 1 in 3 guys are gay or bisexual. It’s not even weird to hear a guy is gay or bisexual at Howard any more.”

Progressive Meter: After setting up the trendy bisexual straw man argument, Randol is ready to smack down that particular theory. Let's hear it, Randol! "So is bisexuality the new black, nothing more than a trend, a staple on the public scene?" he concludes: "Maybe not." Bleh. ZERO.

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tips: Georgetown Hoya dating columnist Colleen Leahey reflects on the Swiftian nature of her romantic life. Taylor Swiftian."The entire situation was straight out of a silly Taylor Swift song: I had a thing for my best guy friend. While he dated various girls, I put myself in the friend zone, giving him advice and being there when he needed to vent to someone," she writes. "Secretly, though, I was hoping he would realize that I was the one he truly liked."

Life Lessons: Refreshingly, Leahey combats this trademark Swiftian passivity by advising unrequited lovers how to step up and do something about it. "So, this new year, if you’re finally ready to admit to your inner desires, then do be more aggressive with your feelings," she writes. "Go with your impulse; if you think there’s a spark and it’s not one-sided, make a move. . . . Don’t overanalyze or freak your friend out, but you do have to make a slight effort if you want something to actually happen (unless you’re trying to be the next victim of the T. Swift syndrome)."

Progressive Meter: Slight effort! What can I say, I'm a sucker for refusing to fall victim to the T. Swift Syndrome. SEVEN.

GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: Hatchet sex columnist Layla admits she's done it without a condom—with a guy she calls "Dirty Jersey." "Since [the first night we had sex], despite his protests, I insisted on a condom every time like I knew I should," Layla writes. But that didn't last: "Somewhere during the next five or six times we had sex, my resolve dissolved. I went from being adamant about using protection, to making Dirty Jersey pull out to get a condom, to finally staying quiet about it. Part of me hoped that he would catch on to my desire to use a condom, but he never did. To be perfectly honest, it felt amazing without it and it was just as much my fault as it was his."

Life Lessons: Fuck that guy! "I may be guilty of condom-use abuse in the past, but now, I am most definitely reformed," Layla writes. "It also helps that I'm not dating Dirty Jersey anymore."

Progressive Meter: What does strapping on a rubber say about your politics? According to Margaret Talbot's "Red Sex, Blue Sex," teen pregnancy is higher and condom use lower in this country's red states. So we'll count this prophylactic flip-flopper as a moderate. Feminist bonus: She ditched a guy who clearly didn't give a shit about what she wanted in the bedroom. Too bad she softens that with a healthy dose of self-blame.  FIVE.

photo via nerdcoregirl, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

The battle for ideological dominance in our nation’s capital’s collegiate sex columns continues. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of ice cream sundaes, hand-holding, and offensive lesbian stereotypes?

This week: When fuck-buddies stop fucking; exploring the "mystery" of lesbian sex; parsing the appeal of the "holiday honey."

THE GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: GWU Hatchet sex columnist Layla is breaking up with her fuck-buddy, "007." The new development helps Layla realize that sex with 007 was just filling another void. "Amidst flashbacks of all of the ways he could make me shiver, I realized that 007 and I tend to fall back into our pattern of hooking up when we're trying to get over particularly bad breakups," she writes. "After a messy breakup, it was always easy to go from innocently hanging out with 007 in his basement, to going down on him."

Life Lesson: Fucking is not as powerful as Facebook. "One of my friends says the best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one . . . At the end of the day, however, the feeling of 007's hands all over me didn't entirely replace the tactile memories I had formed of hookups with my ex," she writes. "I still had to get over my ex using the tried-and-true method of time and patience, not to mention hiding his updates on my Facebook news feed."

Progressive Meter: Layla has sex with dudes she has no interest in dating, and they're both adults about it. Great! I just hope 007 was going down on you, too. Seven.

AMERICAN UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: This time around, AU's anonymous threesome employs a fourth wheel, Beaver McRugmuncher, to help the trio deal with the subject of—guess!—"the phenomena of lesbians." Yes! I have been waiting all semester to hear Buster Darkhole's theories on lesbians! Go on: "Many try and divulge the deep mystery that is lesbian sex. However, this is often met with much difficulty. Lesbians, being quite secretive, rarely give out the methods they use for sex, but we have done the research for you and found out some interesting facts," they write. "Everyone inevitably thinks of scissoring when they think of lesbians. However, from what we have heard, lesbians do not actually do this."

Life Lesson: "Rule number one: don’t piss off a lesbian. They are naturally born with the ability to kick your ass." Umm . . . too late!

Progressive Meter: Let's see here. We're debunking some stereotypes (lesbians rush into relationships) while creating some others (lesbians will "kick your ass"). We're erasing some common fantasies ("everyone inevitably thinks of scissoring when they think of lesbians") and replacing them with some . . . less-common ones (lesbian sex "is like a Jell-O shot: first, you get your finger in to loosen it up, then place your mouth around it to get at the goods.") At the same time, we're reminding everyone that "lesbians are more than just Jell-O shots at parties." Color me confused! Two points. I guess.

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: Hoya sex columnist Colleen Leahey introduces me to a couple of new relationship terms: "Holiday Honey" and "DFMO." Leahey got "Holiday Honey" from her mom: "My mom began using it several years ago, when my older sister was a freshman in college. Every break (Columbus Day, Thanksgiving, Winter, et cetera), Kelly and her high school boyfriend would rekindle their flame for several days, then let it fizzle when they returned to their respective schools." God knows where DFMO came from, but it stands for "Dance-floor make-out." According to Urban Dictionary: "Most of the time a DFMO is voluntary, but they can also occur when a drunkard grabs your face and starts making sweet sweet love to it."

Life Lessons: Holiday Honeys "knew you before you went to keggers and made out on the dance floor with several other partygoers in a night. They evoke a general innocence in you, a quality that can seem lost in the throes of chaotic college events. When with them, you’re reminded of corsages, ice cream dates and movies you never actually watched," Leahey writes. "The nostalgia associated with an old flame is extremely comforting."

Progressive Meter: Side-note: I think name-checking your mom in a sex column is really sweet. Too bad she's invoked to make the argument that relationships were so much better in the good old days of the 1950's high school. Four.

Photo by State Library of Queenstown, Australia

The fight for ideological dominance of D.C.'s college sex column "movement" rages on. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of borrowed class rings and shoulder-draped letter jackets? This week: A two-timing columnist receives a smackdown; college kids tell you not to have casual sex; the "MRS degree" makes a comeback.

GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tips: No new sex columns have been printed over at the Hatchet since female columnist Layla confessed she was fucking her best friend and male columnist Mr. Darcy outed his little virgin/whore complex. There has, however, been a bit of community push-back to Darcy's double-timing the "nice girl" and the "freaky girl" while he waited for the "nice freaky girl" of his dreams to show up on his doorstep. "Bravo to this studly, virile man, who has so many girls drooling after him," wrote Kristen McCarthy, a senior. "There is nothing we females like more than a complete tool who jerks us around, jumping from one girl to the next, and then decides to 'have [his] cake and eat it too.' . . . . The worst part? The author's audacity to call himself Mr. Darcy. I can assure you that Miss Austen would never have stood for that behavior in a Darcy."

Life Lesson: Choose your pseudonym wisely. Good luck: Buster Darkhole is already taken.

Progressive Meter: Calling a tool a tool is a treasured feminist pastime, and reclaiming Austen was a necessary move. But no woman can speak for all females: Some girls like jumping around, too. 7

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AMERICAN UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tips: The latest gem mined from the AU Eagle's Amber Sparkles, Buster Darkhole, and Maxwell Hillcrest reveals an ideological rift between the trio of sex columnists. Each columnist took turns answering the question, "How long to wait to have sex?" Hillcrest took the philosophical route: "But by asking, you are halfway on the road to your answer," he writes. Darkhole is short on specifics: "I would say try not to have it too soon." And Sparkles sidelines 'em all with her requisite conservative bent. "If you like someone enough to be interested in dating her or him or already are dating them, having sex could be a good experience. . . . As long as you are having sex because you like the person and would be interested in building your relationship, there isn’t a time that is too early or too late. But if your reasons are otherwise, then maybe you should think again."

Life lesson: Don't hit it unless you plan on hitting it for the rest of the semester.

Progressive Meter: Hillcrest hits the nail on the head when he tells students the only way to figure out if they're ready to do it is to "talk to your partner." Sparkles' advice to only sex someone you're "interested in dating," not so much. Why not try having sex with someone you're interested in having sex with? 5

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GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: Columnist Colleen Leahey's latest informs students about why people you are hooking up with lie to you. The column, typically, includes some strange ideas about men (from Mars) and women (Venus). Among them:

• "Men and women have forever had difficulties communicating with one another."
• "Guys seem to be puzzled by the complex and utterly confusing mind games of women; females can’t seem to cope with the simplistic, one-track male thought-process."
• "Guys are notoriously stereotyped by society as players. After several beers, they’re only after 'one thing.'"
• "Not every college female is interested in graduating with her M.R.S. degree; some only want to have fun."

The column also includes one extremely strange imagined scenario about what hooking up in college is like: "Perhaps their beer goggles were a bit too tight that night. Seeing as you two never made specific rules concerning exclusivity, the hot bro or chick smiling across the bar may seem extraordinarily appealing under the glow of Thirds’ neon totem pole. However, the morning light reveals a pudgy, acne-covered mistake with really bad breath. How mortifying!"

Life lesson: The "M.R.S. degree" reference was enough to tip us off that we're dealing with an old, old soul here. The scare quotes around "one thing" and the exclamation point following "mortifying" seal the deal. Grandmother? Is that you in there?

Progressive Meter: Well, at least not "every" woman only went to college to get married. Zero.

Photo by riptheskull