Sady Doyle refrains from discussing George Bush's tongue on Laura Bush's genitals for a second to discuss some of the less sexy aspects of Bush's fulfillment of the role as First Lady:

self-denial is one of a First Lady's job requirements, however, and Laura Bush fulfilled it admirably. . . . Bush writes of her irritation with being called a "traditional woman." But abnegating her own beliefs in order to stand by her man—even as he did things that affected innumerable lives, things she apparently knew to be wrong—was exactly "traditional," and the worst kind of tradition. The really troubling thing is how much people liked it: How a woman publicly enacting lack of engagement, lack of opinion, lack of self, was met with such sky-high approval ratings and such wide applause.

Read the whole essay here.

During her tenure as the first First Lady of the United States of America, Martha Dandridge Custis Washington confided in a letter to her niece: "I think I am more like a state prisoner than anything else," she wrote. "There is certain bounds set for me which I must not depart from."

In other words, the role of First Lady has forever sucketh. Women betrothed to U.S. presidents are condemned to years of toil marked by incessant smiling, benign public service initiatives, and publicized bakery. Laura Welch Bush, America's most recent graduate of the First Ladies club, was forced to refrain from publicly not hating gay people, instead sharing her opinion that Reading Is Fundamental and—according to Curtis Sittenfeld's novelized version of her life, "American Wife"—receiving glorious head!

In this edition of Sexist Beatdown, Sady Doyle of Tiger Beatdown talk about being forced to imagine George W. Bush uttering the words "luscious breasts," our Human Rights dealbreakers, and the role of the First Gentleman of the future.

SADY: HELLO! Sorry, I went out to buy cigarettes and coffee. Which are what I subsist on, at this sad point in my life.

AMANDA: That's OK! I was confined for eight years in an ideological prison of my husband's making.

SADY: I hear that can be difficult! Yet readily novelizable, by Curtis Sittenfeld. Who will do a weirdly precognitive job, actually! FULL CONFESSION: I read both "Spoken from the Heart," the Hallmarkianly titled memoir of Laura Bush, and "American Wife," the Curtis Sittenfeld novel-as-memoir-of-Laura-Bush, in a 24-hour time period. I may actually morph into Laura Bush at any moment now. SHE'S IN MY HEADDDDD.

AMANDA: OK I haven't read either of them. But I have been watching videos of her public appearances in conjunction with her book release. And it's been a really strange book tour for Laura, yeah? "I am forever haunted by the boy's life I took in a traffic accident ... also, gay people are fine."

SADY: Haha, YEAH. Which, like: Sittenfeld actually predicted both of those things, in her (very good) book! Which ends with Maura Mush/"Alice Blackwell" taking a public — and shocking! — stand against her husband's policies. Which creeped me the hell out, when I had striven to meet my deadline and turned in an article that was like, "but also, Laura Bush REALLY DOESN'T think gay people are fine," and then saw the King interview and e-mailed my editor all "OH FUCK DON'T PUBLISH THAT OKAY."

AMANDA: STOP THE PRESSES, LAURA BUSH NOW PUBLICLY DOES NOT HATE GAY PEOPLE.

SADY: But the thing is, this was sort of predictable. For years, she's been making these really subtle pro-choice, pro-gay statements. But she waited until her husband was out of power to actually SAY this stuff.

AMANDA: Right. When he was president she was just like, "let me focus on my interest in librarianism for the next eight years."

SADY: Right. "Books are good! Also, heart attacks are bad! Be nice to children! Such are my public positions!"

AMANDA: Meanwhile, Michelle Obama is focusing on her interest in ending childhood obesity. First ladies have been getting the least controversial issues possible lately.

SADY: Yeah. Well, I mean, I think people of our age are spoiled, because we grew up with Hillary. Who was actually, you know, interested in politics, and was portrayed as a demon succubus who controlled her husband via brain implant for that very reason. First Ladies in general are supposed to be like, the softer side of the most militarily equipped nation in the world. So they're expected to take really feminized, feminine causes, like schooling and children and breast cancer and puppies and rainbows and sunshine and, I dunno, fighting the War on Inadequate Dinner Parties, or something.

AMANDA: Yeah. And I think that, as much as some people still cling to their irrational hatred of Hillary, the vitriol really reached his peak when she was First Lady. I think that some people are more comfortable just seeing a woman like her, as weird as this is, as Secretary of State than having to recognize that women like her are also mothers and wives. They didn't want to see their America's Number One Wife be a wife who was also, you know, a person. It really is a thankless job. If you're the wife of a president, you have to devote your whole life to being his compliment, but you can't be a compliment who is too independent or intellectually-minded, or too involved in the actual business of the presidency. You have to be a full-time compliment who is just available full-time to be ... available full-time. To bake cookies and wear nice clothes and raise kids and smile a lot and make soft, feminine proclamations about soft, feminine social issues. If I were Laura Bush, I would have like brought a megaphone to Obama's inauguration and been like, "Fuck this noise, gay people alright! Also abortions!" I don't know how they can stand it.

SADY: Well, I mean: The thing is, Laura Bush reportedly didn't even WANT her husband to be a politician in the first place. Let alone PRESIDENT. She was apparently pretty unhappy about it. And, you know, if I were cool with gay people and abortions, and my husband were George W. Bush, and he were like, "you know what I want to do? Be in a position to influence national policy on these matters," I would be... "unhappy" is probably the mildest way you would put it. But the fact that she committed herself to this shit for eight years, even though for those eight years most of her statements were to the effect of, "I have no opinions. Anyone want a cookie? Because I bake those," is, like... TROUBLING, to me.

AMANDA: It's scary.

SADY: I mean, I could date someone if I thought their taste in music occasionally sucked. I could date someone if they wore unflattering jeans. I would have a PROBLEM dating someone if we disagreed on the issues of, like, Human Rights, and whether Humans who were gay and/or ladies deserved said Rights. That would probably be a dealbreaker! For me! Is all I am saying!

AMANDA: Or, to go further: That you disagree on issues of basic human rights, and that in order to remain in a relationship with this person you would have to recuse yourself of having any opinion on the matter and defer silently to your husband's ass-backwards ideas.

SADY: Right. That's the thing. Because Laura Bush was continually deployed, during her husband's administration, as a PR tool. She gave a radio address that he was originally scheduled to make! She was sent out to calm people down! People just LIKED her more, and as the administration went on, they liked her more and him less (and less, and LESS) and now, they're both writing memoirs, but hers goes out first. And it has the most nice-lady title in the history of the world. Spoken From the Heart! For Gods' sakes! And, I mean, the thing is, she was actually in a position to talk about this for all this time, and didn't. So now, even though she's all, "so, anyway, 9/11 was really scary and also let's not outlaw abortions," I really question her decision not to utilize that influence at the time.

AMANDA: Hahaha. I mean, it was sort of always an open secret that Laura Bush was a democrat. And I actually wonder how much of that was part of the PR ruse. Like, "Look at this democratic woman submitting to my batshit ideas! You can do it too, America!" It added to her image as A Good Wife.

SADY: Hahaha. "Look, she's not throwing herself off the White House balcony, and we probably even have SEX with each other, still!" Which: Can I tell you, in an unrelated note, I was sharing lines from and summaries of the sex scenes in "American Wife" with people all day long?

AMANDA: Oooh give me one!

SADY: People would be like, "so how's your day going?" And I would be like, "the George W. Bush guy in 'American Wife' says the following line: 'You're this goddess with these amazing, luscious breasts.'" Also, we have, "how could he be an unscrupulous politician with such a cute little butt?" Which, like: EASILY, it turns out!

AMANDA: UG! BRAIN CLEANSE

SADY: It's a really good book, though. There's a scene of the Laura-Bushesque heroine self-Googling that will make you question your life. And also, some cunnilingus!

AMANDA: Good for Laura! Jesus Christ! You know she read that, too! Fuck, how depressing. I hope to never have to read a work of fiction speculating as to how I have sex with my husband. And for that reason, I will not marry a President.

SADY: Yeah. I kind of like how the novel tries to provide the answer to the question of "how does she put up with him?" And the answers are, (a) money, (b) lack of options, and (c) he gives really good head. I find that actually pretty relatable! However, I kind of find it unlikely that I myself would marry a President, for the above-stated reasons. No matter HOW luscious he thinks my breasts are. I think that there's this whole routine of self-erasure that a lady is supposed to undergo, if her husband gets a case of the Presidents, that means she has to start being a woman and start being a Lady. The First Lady, in fact! And I cannot see me ever doing that. Unless my husband ran on an "every day is Sady's birthday" platform. To which I could easily lend my support!

AMANDA: No. No. But perhaps sometimes it just sneaks up on you, First Ladiness, and though you could never imagine in your wildest dreams that George W. Bush would ever, ever, ever become president, there he is! President! And you, First Lady! And it's kind of like you just became Queen or something, and there's kind of a lot of pressure for you not to fuck it up.

SADY: Yeah. I mean, I can't imagine that anyone, six weeks after meeting George W. Bush (WHICH IS WHEN THEY GOT ENGAGED, BTW) would be like, "this guy is President material!" And, I mean, I'm sympathetic to that, to a certain degree. If your dude is dead set on a political career, and you don't agree with his politics, and he manages to succeed to an alarming degree, you are in a really bad situation. Because, honestly, his administration just spent years slowly and steadily collapsing. At a certain point, disagreeing with him had to seem disloyal; like, it would no doubt be reported as, "everyone in the entire world thinks George W. Bush is a fuck-up, including his wife."

AMANDA: Right. I mean, perhaps Laura didn't want George to get into politics for the same reason that, like, everyone else did, which is that he's a total disaster on that front. But you can't say that. Even after the presidency is over, she still isn't saying that.

SADY: Yeah. And, I mean, I'm trying not to engage in petty left-wing schadenfreude over this. And she spends — in this memoir that I have read, which I apologize for overburdening this chat with details of — SO. MUCH. TIME defending his stupider foreign policy decisions, and him, and trying to paint an appealing picture of the man. But it's pretty clear now that her whole unconditionally supportive and agreeable Nice Lady Act was... an act. It lasted as long as it took for his term to end, and for her to bang out a memoir, and then she was just like, "okay. So here's what I ACTUALLY think. Because, SPOILER ALERT, I am a person, and think things." I just... people loved that woman. Loved her! Even if they didn't love her husband! And I really wish she'd cashed in on that love to stand up for the right thing, at some point.

AMANDA: And it's good that at some point they're allowed to deconstruct the First Lady thing a bit, and recognize that it's all make-believe. But it doesn't stop us from expecting the same shit of the next lady. Proposed solution: Make it not a lady next time?

SADY: Right! Make it a lady with a First Gentleman. Or, potentially, a Gentleman with a First Other Gentleman! That would be fun! "Our Gentlemanly duties include: Not putting up with your bullshit, bowling."

AMANDA: I will be liveblogging the whole thing, I'm sure.

SADY: I will be writing a novel. Mine will not be as good as Sittenfeld's, I'm pretty sure. But, on the plus side, the First Gentleman will fight way more dragons!

AMANDA: "I Stayed For The Blow Jobs: The First Gentleman's Story"

Martha Washington image via Wikipedia Commons

This week Chreky was expected to go to trial in his second sexual harassment case brought against him by an employee. The first case, brought by colorist Ronnie Barrett, was decided last week, resulting in a 2.3 million dollar judgment to Barrett. The new case, brought by another former stylist, accuses Chreky of persistent sexual harassment that allegedly escalated from inappropriate sexual comments into repeated, attempted rapes.

The stylist's complaint alleges a variety of horrific sexual acts inflicted upon her by her boss. A sampling of allegations from the complaint she filed with the court:

• "On a daily basis, Mr. Chreky will comment to one of more female employees that she looks 'sexy' or 'especially sexy today.' He also repeatedly references the sex lives of female employees, questions whether their husbands can please them in bed and offers to 'help out.'"

• "Starting in the fall of 2000, Mr. Chreky made daily comments to Plaintiff about the way she looked and her attire. Such statements included that she looked "sexy," had "sexy legs," and that he liked the way she looked in that shirt or with that lipstick."
• "Starting in the fall of 2003, Mr. Chreky repeatedly required Plaintiff to come to his office at the end of the day. During such visits, Mr. Chreky would discuss sexual topics and repeatedly proposition Plaintiff to have sex with him. He also told her that other stylists were having an affair with him."
• "During such visits to his office, Mr. Chreky would promise better work, such as assigning the President's family to her or offering to let her travel with the President's family, in an attempt to induce Plaintiff to have sex with him."
• "At a fundraiser in December of 2004, Mr. Chreky asked Plaintiff if she wanted to have a threesome and that he 'would get any kind of girl [she] wanted. blond or brunette.' Later he asked another employee if Plaintiff was the "hottest" stylist and if the three of them wanted to get a room for him for a threesome."
• "Throughout her employment, Mr. Chreky would often direct Plaintiff to help him with a client's hair. Mr. Chreky would then stand close to Plaintiff, rub hips against her or lean very close to her face as she worked."
• "On or about November of 2003,  Plaintiff was eating lunch in the kitchen area. In front of other employees, Mr. Chreky stated that Plaintiff had sexy legs. When the other employees had left, Mr. Chreky returned, leaned over Plaintiff and rubbed her leg and upper thigh. Plaintiff told Mr. Chreky to stop and he responded, 'you have such smooth legs. Just let me touch them.' Plaintiff slapped his hand and fled the room."
• "On or about early summer of 2004, Plaintiff was waiting outside of the Salon for a ride that was over an hour late. Mr Chreky offered her a ride, which she declined. After Mr. Chreky repeatedly insisted on driving her home, she reluctantly agreed. On the drive home, Mr. Chreky pulled the car over and attacked her. He pulled her toward him, tried to kiss her, pinned her to the back of the seat, and rolled on top of her. Mr. Chreky lifted her skirt, grabbed her underwear and pulled it to the side, exposing her vagina, and then grabbed her genitals. Plaintiff pleaded and tried to get him to stop. My. Chreky unzipped his pants and tried to penetrate her with his penis. When Plaintiff threatened to call the cops, Mr. Chreky stopped and drove her home while threatening her to not tell anyone about the ride home."
• "Later in 2004, Plaintiff was again assaulted while alone in the lunchroom. Mr. Chreky shoved her against the sink, pushed his groin against hers and attempted to get his hand under her bra. When Plaintiff grabbed his arm and told him to stop, he pleaded for her to 'let me touch it one time, just one time.' Plaintiff threatened to scream if he did not stop."
• "In 2004 through 2006, Mr. Chreky would continually attempt to trap Plaintiff alone while at work. If he ever found her alone, he would grab her around the shoulders or waist and press his groin against her body. He would often try to grab her buttocks or genital area, and would grab and lift her skirt. These attacks occurred, at times, as much as twice per day."
• "In March of 2005, Mr. Chreky attacked Plaintiff in the kitchen by slamming hr into the sink. He pressed his body against hers, pried her legs apart with his leg and placed his hand underneath her skirt. Although Plaintiff repeatedly tried to escape, Mr. Cherky physically restrained her. He repeatedly asked her to just let him touch her. Mr. Chreky was able to grab the side of her underwear and told her, while holding a lighter up to her face, that if he kept fighting that he was going to burn her underwear off. Mr. Chreky then violently ripped her underwear off (bruising her genital area) and holding it up to his face, while saying, 'see, now I got it and now I am going to keep it as a souvenir.' That day, he repeatedly taunted her at her work station following this attack."
• "Repeatedly during 2005 and up to her termination, Mr. Chreky would grab her when he found her alone and push her head toward his genitals demanding that she 'give him a blow job.'"
• "In late summer of 2005, Mr. Chreky ordered Plaintiff to do inventory on the fifth floor. Plaintiff thought she was safe on the fifth floor because Mr. Chreky was with a client, but Mr. Chreky followed and attacked her by forcing her against a wall at the top of the stairwell. Plaintiff tried to escape down the stairs, but to no avail. When Plaintiff screamed, he covered her mouth with his hand. Mr. Chreky unzipped his pants, pulled Plaintiff''s skirt up above her waist, pulled her underwear to one side and attempted to penetrate her. At this point, Plaintiff was sobbing loudly and having trouble breathing. When he released her mouth, she began screaming and again, he covered her mouth. Plaintiff was finally able to get away when another employee walked to the bottom of the stairwell."
• "In the fall of 2005, Mr. Chreky again required plaintiff to come to his office. She went, but stood just inside the open door. Mr. Chreky got up and slammed the door, pushed her over and got on top of her. Plaintiff began to cry and yelled for him to let her go. He grabbed her skirt, tore it and tried to get his hand to her genital area. Mr. Chreky unzipped his pants, tried to get her skirt about her waist and attempted to penetrate her At this time, another employee knowcked on the door. In response, Mr. Chreky jumped up and zipped his pants. Plaintiff opened the door and ran past her shocked colleague."

In a response to her complaint, Chreky and the salon denied all the stylist's allegations. They did include one clarification, in response to the allegation that Chreky would "rub hips against her or lean very close to her face as she worked": "Defendants deny the allegations . . . save that defendants aver that all employees of the Salon work in relatively close quarters and that, when employees collaborated on a single client, it was impossible for those employees to do other than 'stand close' to each other. Defendants deny that any such positioning was sexual in nature, or constituted discrimination or harassment during the course of employment based on gender or sex."

If you're wondering how allegations of attempted employee rape might affect a salon's business: Last week, Chreky's camp announced that the salon has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy.

Oh, that's just like Nancy, Jackie, Hillary, and Michelle* to show off their feisty, satin-clothed vaginas on the White House lawn. Only Laura Bush is spared. I'm already working on my Feisty First Dudes primer, a campy look at the men behind the nation's feisty governors and Secretaries of State, illustrated by a photograph of Todd Palin and Bill Clinton wearing short shorts and grabbing their junk whilst lounging in front of the Washington Monument.

* last-minute draft pick