* Marnia Robinson begins a recent argument against Internet porn like so: "A few years ago, men from all over the world began arriving in my website’s forum complaining that they were unable to stop using Internet porn. Google had sent them—perhaps because my site shares information about the effects of sex on the brain." After learning from the experiences of these men, Robinson declares that "In short, many men are happier without Internet pornography."

In other news, binge eaters suggest that many people are happier without food.

* How to Have Sex in Texas on the FDA's decision not to approve Flibanserin, a drug for increasing "sexual satisfaction" in women: On the one hand, the medicalization of women's sexuality can't replace proper sex education, work in the bedroom, and relationship-based problems. On the other hand, men's sexuality is medicalized, so why can't ours be, too?:

Everyone knows that many men take Viagra, Cialis and Levitra as "enhancements" and not because they have clinical erectile dysfunction, and women ought to have their own fair share of drugs to enhance their sexual experience, either on the front end of desire or the back end of response. The FDA's continued refusal to approve testosterone and other sex enhancing drugs for women suggests a fear of women's sexuality, not agreement with anti-medicalization sentiment.

* Anna Clark on a school's decision to dismantle its girl's volleyball program—and form a varsity cheerleading team in its place—in order to massage Title IX requirements: "it's possible that competitive cheer could be a legitimate sport. I'm open to the point. But what a sorry birth it would be for varsity cheerleading if it were to come out of a swamp of data manipulation and lawsuits that pit sports against one another, making a mockery of any claimed commitment to the participation of women in athletics. In this case, I'm cheering for the volleyball team."

* Nancy Bauer on Lady Gaga's ongoing critique of feminine performance—if it IS IN FACT A CRITIQUE, Lady Gaga!:

Is [the "Telephone" video] an expression of Lady Gaga’s strength as a woman or an exercise in self-objectification?  It’s hard to decide. The man who drools at women’s body parts is punished, but then again so is everyone else in the place.  And if this man can be said to drool, then we need a new word for what the camera is doing to Gaga’s and Beyoncé’s bodies for upwards of 10 minutes.

* Femonomics adds to the discussion of the issues with "welcomed" rape in the works of Ayn Rand, with added commentary on "He Raped Her And She Liked It" scenes in the works of Michael Winterbottom and Ang Lee.

Photo via The U.S. National Archives

Miley Cyrus' new video features avian headware, backup dancer eye-fucking, tortured visual imagery representing puberty, and copious Auto-Tune. Sady Doyle of Tiger Beatdown and I respond.

AMANDA: Hello!

SADY: Why hello! I have worn my bird cage hat of Serious Analysis to this meeting. My Serious Analysis is: The children! Are they getting too sexy? Specifically the beloved starlet children who live as normal tweens by day, international pop stars by night?

AMANDA: Allow me to answer that question with a prediction: In about two years, Justin Bieber will announce his grownupedness by appearing in a video surrounded by women dressed as sexy aardvarks, or something.

SADY: PROBABLY. I think that's the next big step for the Beebs. That or allowing leaked photos of his very first armpit hair to appear on TMZ. But dudes don't have to, like, "grow up" by announcing how sexy they are now. Not the way ladies do.

AMANDA: Yeah, I mean, it seems that the sign of grownupedness is ladies without pants, and so if you're a lady, take off your pants, and if you're a man, get some ladies and take off their pants. Lady Gaga has of course complicated this equation by making sexiness also about dressing like bizarre animals. Which is hilarious, because now when you have parents clutching their pearls over this, they also necessarily have to be like "And what's with the kids these days with the bird costumes?"

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Not A Girl: A modified Catholic schoolgirl outfit provided ample fodder for creepy adult fantasy, while Britney Spears' stated virginity insulated her from the accompanied slut-shaming.

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Not Yet A Woman: "Britney, are you sure you're mature enough to take responsibility for that sensual albino python?"

SADY: Right? Not only do they have to worry about the teens doing the sexy dances, they also have to worry that their wholesome sons and daughters are going to slaughter everybody in the IHOP and get sent to Bitch Prison. I mean, it's interesting to me, though, like the whole transition from "innocent" (or "not that innocent" in one notable case) to "I am wearing a thigh-high boot, spinning around a pole, and letting backup dancers lick my face" that so many women who grow up in the public eye have to undergo. Like the ONLY OPTION is publicly performing "virgin" or publicly performing "SEX SEX LOOK AT ME IT'S POSSIBLE I MIGHT BE HAVING SEX." For ladies. Dudes are just allowed to grow up gracefully, more often. And there's nothing wrong with being licked! Or spinning around a pole, if you want to do that! It's just like... she HAS to announce adulthood with these very public, very overt signifiers of sexuality.

AMANDA: I know, I was wracking my brain for young pop stars who have not gone through the Not Wearing Pants phase, and the only ones I can think of are a) Kelly Clarkson, who wrote a song about how she doesn't hook up and how she can clean up the mess your ex-girlfriend made who probably does hook up because all the kids are doing it, and b) Taylor Swift, who, well WE KNOW. WE KNOW ABOUT THAT ONE. For the record, I'm not a pop star, and I've attended several parties where I haven't worn pants the whole time at those parties. IT HAPPENS. But the dichotomy is really frustrating.

SADY: Yeah. I mean, me and pants have a troubled history. There was a time, Amanda! A time when I was convinced leggings were, in fact, pants! A time when I was TERRIBLY WRONG. And I enjoy taking my pants off in certain conducive contexts, of course, as we all do. Nobody wants to wear pants permanently! Except for Tobias Funke!

AMANDA: Haha Indeed. But so, I was thinking about Thinking of the Children the other day. And how Think of the Children is almost always used as a really transparent cover that adults use to condemn something they're extremely uncomfortable with at all ages, and then claim that they're only protecting The Children from it, instead of themselves.

SADY: Yeah. And Thinking Of The Children often seems to involve... not a lot of thinking about how The Children actually tend to behave? Like: My shameful secret is that I actually ENJOY THE HELL out of this video. Not because it's "empowering," or because I take ANY of its messages at face value, but because — like Miley herself — it's so goofy and embarrassing in precisely the ways that 17-year-old-girl rebellion is goofy and embarrassing.

AMANDA: It's pretty much the Twilight of videos. Except less virginy.

SADY: Haha, yeah. I mean, it's so high school! Like: She is in a CAGE! A CAGE of your JUDGING HER! But she is a bird that Cannot, as the saying goes, be Tamed! or Blamed! She will do what she wants! GET OUT OF HER ROOM, MOMMMMMMM. SHE'LL WEAR WHATEVER SHE WANTS TO WEAR OH MY GOD STOP MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT I WANT TO DIE I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. And then the door slams. And the video's over.

AMANDA: And then she gives this interview where she Explains, like, what the video is about. It's about being an adult now, GOD.

SADY: Right! I mean: We talk about growing up in public. But Miley Cyrus, despite (DON'T READ THIS PART, MILEY CYRUS) having released some of my least favorite songs EVER, actually seems to be, like... growing up. In public. With all the associated awkwardness. But that's the thing, about Thinking About the Children: We have this very idealized normative concept of how a "good" teen behaves and it's just not in line with these realities. At all! And honestly it is, as you said, just about shoving aside what makes us uncomfortable.

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Not a Girl: In Christina Aguilera's first hit single, she waited for someone to release her from the confines of bare midriffed virginity.

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Not Yet A Woman: In 2002, assless chaps were considered a strong indicator of adulthood.

AMANDA: Yeah, and why the fuck are we acting like all our insecurities can be resolved by Miley Cyrus not doing some weird shit in a music video? I'll also add that Miley's actually doing pretty fucking awesome at navigating all this stuff. In February, she said this: "My job isn’t to tell your kids how to act or how not to act because I’m still figuring that out for myself. To take that away from me is a bit selfish . . . Your kids are going to make mistakes whether I do or not. That’s just life.” Coming from someone who was EVISCERATED for appearing in a magazine with her back visible, that point is well-taken.

SADY: WHOA. Miley seems really together! In that quote! Sorry, Miley! I mean, yeah: I think the fact that our cultural insecurities CAN be raised by just such a video is pretty telling. Like that not-really-pole-dancing she did that one time, or the Liebowitz shot: A lot of it was just grown men (and women) being all, "I'm afraid this might turn me on! And I'm scared!" And, yeah, you ought notta be eroticizing the teenagers. But constantly monitoring this one specific female teenager to determine whether she's inappropriately sexy is, like... Not that much less creepy? I think young women's sexuality is often put in that place of overtly well-meaning, covertly creepy monitoring. Like, we're SO OBSESSED with young women not being sexual (which they really usually are) that we constantly evaluate how sexual they are. And then there's all the teen-eroticizing that takes place ANYWAY, because it's so taboo. And the result is Britney, America's #1 Virgin, dancing in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit, and later sort of cracking under the weight of how VERY many contradictions she was expected to represent.

AMANDA: Right. I'll take the bird costume. And the adult hand-ringing: It is extremely creepy, and it's directly related to people being freaked out about their own interest in Miley Cyrus. But like, for 17 year old boys and ladies, a crush on Miley is extremely reasonable? And Miley is, as I read in a recent story, 17 AND A HALF. A half! She's almost 18. Let her wear not-pants!

SADY: Yeah, exactly. Like: I think it's totally fine for teens to be sexual, WITH EACH OTHER. Provided they're educated enough to not take stupid risks and hurt themselves or others. Even if I was like, "it's not okay! Stop doing that, teens! STOP IT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I SAID SO," they would do it anyway. But there's no safe space in this culture for a young woman to sort of grow into her sexuality, because it's fetishized and demonized and the fetishization and the demonization are directly connected. So people want you and they hate you and they hate you because they want you and they want you because they hate you and it is basically a wonder any of us gets through it even semi-intact.

[youtube:v=9MkstZ3n4G8]
Not a Girl: As a Cheetah Girl, Kiely Williams sang about doing her best and following her heart.

[youtube:v=J96ujGstSUw]
Not Yet A Woman: As a young adult, Williams' heart led her to eroticize passed-out sex.

AMANDA: Right. It's just important to make the distinction between OH MY DISNEY GIRL SEXY AVIAN COSTUME WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO OUR CHILDREN! and saying, Hey, it must be hard to be a Girl, Not Yet A Woman in the spotlight and be criticized no matter how you want to grow into adulthood. I will say that the song kind of sucks, in a not-criticizing-her-burgeoning-sexuality kind of way.

SADY: Oh, yeah. I mean, I am not going to the "Miley, your expensive silver corset denotes your Brainwashing By The Patriarchy" place. Not in my lifetime! And I hope I'm not saying that I think she's stupid or anything — just in a really awkward place, and I kind of find the very awkwardness of the place charming, because I have so been there. Also her Auto-Tune makes her sound like a cartoon animal, though. Which is not a criticism of her sexuality or body, just of the fact that it like squeaks and she reminds me of a Forest Friend offering helpful advice. "You can't be blamed either Sady! Come with me to my land of mystical enchantments! We'll have a tea party with all the other bunny rabbits!" EEK.

AMANDA: I can't wait until Auto-Tune is recognized as a feminist issue.

SADY: WHY MUST WE DEFORM OUR SISTERS' NATURAL TUNELESSNESS TO APPEASE THE MEN?

AMANDA: Yes, but on the other hand, Auto-Tune helps to equalize a patriarchal music industry standard which prefers women with naturally pleasant singing voices.

SADY: That's so last-wave-of-Auto-Tune politics! I prize the sound of ALL voices! Howsoever sucky!

In 2008, Lady Gaga dropped her first single, "Just Dance," an ode to dancing while extremely wasted. In the song, Gaga details her level of intoxication: She's lost her keys, she's lost her phone, she can't see straight, she's forgotten the name of the club she's in, and she can't figure out why her shirt is turned inside out. Still, everything is "gonna be okay"—until Colby O'Donis enters the scene and announces that he intends on doing more than just dancing with Gaga that night. "I'm gonna hit it, I'm gonna hit it and flex and do it until tomorrow," he says. "There's no reason at all why you can't leave here with me." Well, I can think of one.

The bouncy club track doesn't address the disconnect between Gaga's drunken intentions—just dancing—and those of O'Donnis—hitting it. In the recently released track "Monster," that drunken interaction takes a sinister turn, and Gaga finally addresses the negative space left by "Just Dance."

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"I asked my girlfriend if she'd seen you round before," Gaga sings in "Monster." "She mumbled something while we got down on the floor baby / We might've fucked not really sure, don't quite recall / But something tells me that I've seen him, yeah." If the friend's lack of clarity on her fucking history with this guy isn't enough of a red flag, wait for the chorus, where Gaga eliminates all the ambivalence of "Just Dance": "That boy is a monster."

Later in the song, Gaga makes a direct reference to her first single as the club monster turns into a "monster in my bed": "I wanna Just Dance / But he took me home instead / Uh oh, there was a monster in my bed / We french kissed on a subway train / He tore my clothes right off / He ate my heart then he ate my brain." In the background, the robotic voice of the "monster" provides the stalker's perspective: "I love that girl, wanna talk to her, she's hot as hell."

Reader Zoe, who sent in "Monster" as an example of an anti-Date Rape Anthem, says that the song works as a necessary footnote to "the trend . . . of women singing about how awesome it is to get disorientingly drunk, and then going Ke$ha and saying you can slap the guys away when they try to 'touch your junk':"

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"I don't think the song is supposed to be a 'lesson' to women about getting drunk," Zoe adds. "It's just connecting those dots, and then condemning the dude as a monster. Hooray!" Like Zoe, I'm glad that pop music has a figure like Lady Gaga, who can convincingly defend the harmless entertainment of drinking in the club, and then release an equally compelling dance track condemning the people who want to deny women that experience—rapists.

Now that we've exhausted the decade in masculine trends, it's time for us to take a look back at the aughts' many cultural incarnations of femininity. The versions of femininity that have been aggressively marketed to us over the past ten years, from "not that innocent" pop tarts to Sex & the City fashionistas to Kill Bill's ass-kicker.

POP TARTS.

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Peak Year: 2000

When Britney Spears' first single, ". . . Baby One More Time," dropped in 1998, Spears' aesthetics presented a "disturbing mix of childhood innocence and adult sexuality" (according to the immortal words of the American Family Association). By the 2000's, Spears had abandoned the "innocence" part in favor of shimmying on-stage in nude bodysuits, cavorting with a live python, and frenching Madonna. Soon, Spears was accidentally flashing her genitals, shaving her head, and endangering her children (providing the AFA even more fodder for their campaign against sexual girls). For a time, fellow sexy-innocent (and former Mouseketeer buddy) Christina Aguilera appeared to be on the Spears trajectory—in 2002, Aguilera began referring to herself as "XTina" and appeared in assless chaps in the video for "Dirrty." Then, Aguliera got (and stayed) married and had a son. That was the narrative of the pop tarts of the aughts—her commercialized and sexually-charged celebrity either forced her to crash and burn, or petered out into a more traditionally feminine role—wife and mother.

Ambassadors: Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera

Uniform: Live snake, belly-button piercing, thong or nothing.

Activities: Writhing, belting, riding with Paris

—

NERVOUS WRECKS.

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Peak Year: 2001

In 2001, Bridget Jones arrived on-screen to comfort every woman who believes she is too old, too fat, too drunk, and too daft to ever be loved. Hey! Despite all the self-loathing, she comes away with two handsome suitors (and aren't men the point of life, anyway?) Despite Jones' more anti-feminist tendencies—she's a career girl, but she's still obsessed with losing weight and finding a boyfriend—she helped make way for the comedy based on the flawed leading lady. By the end of the decade, viewers were ready to embrace a more interesting flawed character—Tina Fey's Liz Lemon. Amanda Marcotte has this to say about how Lemon's flaws work: "Over the course of the show, we’ve learned that Liz is lazy, a glutton, anti-social, a bully, insecure, prone to fantasies, and emotionally screwed up to the point where she can’t have normal relationships. These facts have caused some feminists to bunch up, but I’m pretty happy overall with it. If we don’t want women relegated to window dressing in comedy, they have to play deeply flawed characters, because comedy is built around laughing at deeply flawed people navigate the world, making light of our own flaws and making us feel superior." The difference between Bridget and Liz is that Liz isn't ultimately rewarded for her self-loathing.

Ambassadors: Bridget Jones, Liz Lemon

Uniform: Granny panties, food stains.

Activities: Obsessive dieting, lying, self-mockery.

—

Over the weekend, Lady Gaga promised to head down to D.C. for this Sunday's Equality March. At New York City's Bootleg party, Gaga announced:

Listen, next week is the gay pride march. And I know that I'm going to be there marching with all of you. And the most exciting thing tonight is that we're all here together. And you can sign up at a table here to get a ticket on a free bus to D.C. So, you have no excuse. And if the buses are all filled up, there's tons of other ways to get there . . . And there's really no excuse for you not to go.

She continues:

I was thinking to myself, 'If everyone in this room were to go and bring 10 friends—which I don't think is a lot to ask because you all have lots of friends—just from this one night, there would be 10,000 more people marching. . . I really believe in this cause, and as a woman in pop music, I think that this is really an important weekend, and it's not a fucking joke. So, get your asses to D.C. and wear something fabulous. And I'll see you guys there, I love you so much.''

And if those 10,000 people make good on the promise of wearing something Gaga approved, that means that the march is going to have 10,000 more sexy limo drivers sporting outrageous hair-bows but no pants. No shirts, either. Where do I sign up?

But as a consumer of nipple shots, such versatility can become confusing. It's often difficult to know the socially acceptable reaction to every stray projection of skin that catches your eye. Should you high-five your buddy or vomit discreetly into your hands? I'm here to help.

Taking a page from our friends at the Huffington Post, I've compiled some photos of famously exposed nipples—complete with "NSFW Zoom" (Not Janet Jackson, she's too obvious). First, review the Guidelines For Socially Acceptable Reactions to Nipples. Then, check out some Famously Exposed Nipples (NSFW-Zoomed into focus) and see if your gut response to each biological structure is in line with society's nipple norms.

Guidelines For Socially Acceptable Reactions to Nipples:

* All of a woman's breast revealed except for the nipple, which may be obscured by clothing, hair, or paint: sexy.

* All of a woman's breast revealed including the nipple: sexy; obscene.

* Renaissance-era artistic rendering of a woman's breast including the nipple: art.

* All of a man's chest revealed including the nipple: null. Unlike female nipples, which are either HOT or TOTALLY GROSS, male nipples are just there.

* All of a woman's breast revealed including the nipple while breastfeeding: not sexy; not obscene; to some, however, still totally fucking gross, far more disgusting than a normal female nipple, whose only reproductive function ought to be arousing you on-sight (Note: it is not yet socially acceptable to take photos of women breastfeeding in public in order to engineer "gotcha" nipple slip headlines).

* All of a woman's breast including the nipple, which the woman inadvertently flashes for the camera (also known as a "nipple slip"): sexy; obscene; still, manages to maintain the relative innocence of the woman who has inadvertently revealed the nipple, making the it that much sexier; unless of course it is Pamela Anderson's nipple, in which case the nipple slip is simply very obscene and not sexy at all, because Pam Anderson is agreed to be too slutty to pull off the treasured nipple slip dynamic.

—

Famously Exposed Nipples:

A. B.

C. D.

E. F.

G. H.

—

Socially Acceptable Reactions to These Nipples, Revealed:

A. Natalie Portman's nipple slip: sexier. SUITABLE REACTION: High-five.

B. Pamela Anderson's nipple slip: obscene; not sexy. SUITABLE REACTION: Vomit discreetly into hands.

C. Lindsay Lohan's nipple, obscured by hair: sexy. SUITABLE REACTION: Retweet.

D. Ian McKellen's nipple (male): null. SUITABLE REACTION: Curse your "celebrity nipple" google search for leading you astray.

E. Lady Gaga's nipple: sexy; obscene. SUITABLE REACTION: High-five.

F. Beyonce's nipple slip: sexier. SUITABLE REACTION: High-five.

G. A Real Housewife's nipple slip, obscured by clothing: sexy. SUITABLE REACTION: High-five.

H. Mona Lisa's nipple (rumored): art. SUITABLE REACTION: Scratch chin.

Everyone is talking about Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta these days—that sexy, post-post-feminist, drunk girl perspective-shattering sensation known colloquially as Lady Gaga. Gaga cites David Bowie, Queen, and Madonna as influences for her radio-friendly glam-pop. But after hearing her latest track, "Love Games," (several dozen times) it seems clear to me that Gaga has, in fact, stolen the funk from a fictional Mighty Boosh merman known as Old Gregg. Listen to Old Gregg's "Love Games," below, and tell me if you think Lady Gaga's "Love Game" hook does much more than drop the "s."

Lady Gaga's "Love Game": "Let's play a love game / Play a love game / Do you want love / Or you want fame / Are you in the game? / Doin' the love game."

Old Gregg's "Love Games": "Do you love me? / Are you playing your love games with me? / I just want to know what to do, 'cause I need your love a lot, oh come on now."

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When I first described Jamie Foxx's "Blame It (On the Alcohol)" as a date rape jam, I lamented that the song didn't allow Foxx's female target on the dance floor any input into the situation. "But what about the woman in the song?" I asked. "Of course, no holla back joint has dropped from Foxx’s fictional honey, so we can’t tell what she’s really thinking."

But I think I've found her! And she is Lady Gaga. In extreme boozin' song "Just Dance," Gaga declares:

"I've had a little bit too much, much."

"Where are my keys? I lost my phone."

"What's going on on the floor?"

"I can't see straight anymore."

"What's the name of this club?"

"How'd I turn my shirt inside out?"

Anyway, Lady Gaga is wasted. So what does she want to do now?:

Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm
Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo-doo-mmm

Cool, whatever. Just dance, Lady. But goddamnit, here comes up-and-coming R&B artist Colby O'Donis:

Shawty I can see that you got so much energy
The way you're twirlin' up them hips 'round and 'round
And now there's no reason at all why you can't leave here with me
In the meantime stay and let me watch you break it down

Typical. Gaga just wants to dance! "Just," as in "only the dancing," is even in the title of the song. Colby O wants her to dance into his pants—and there's "no reason at all" why that shouldn't happen. Here's one reason: She can't figure out how her shirt got turned inside out.

Unfortunately, I can't figure out how this one ends because the lyrics then descend into incomprehensibility. Most agree that Gaga is saying "Spend the last dough / In your pocko" in the end there, but one interpretation offers a much more chilling ending: "It's been molesto / I got it / And your popped coll."

Molesto . . . Popped collar . . . AHHHHHHHHHH!

* Jezebel debunks the debunkers of the rumors facts of Palin's rape kit debacle.

* Meghan McCain at McCain Blogette has posted another election playlist. McCain writes that she creates "playlists for almost every interesting experience," but doesn't identify exactly what that interesting experience is this time. What could the combination of David Bowie's "Golden Years," Joan Jett's "Bad Reputation," and Lady GaGa's (?) "Beautiful, Dirty, Rich" be referring to? Whatever, I'm digging it.

* Via The Nation: A pastor protects Sarah Palin against "the spirit of witchcraft" in 2005. Go to the video's 7:30 mark to watch Palin get de-witched.

* Feminist fiction writer Chimamanda Adichi wins the intellectual lottery—she gets $100,000 a year for five years and gets the nickname "genius." [via Feminist Daily News].

* David Levinson Wilk for Politico reports on the domination of "OBAMA" and "BIDEN" clues in the New York Times' crossword. "MCCAIN" has never appeared. As for McCain's Veep: "Like a cruel joke, PALIN has appeared dozens of times as an answer in the crossword grids of the nation’s most esteemed news publications—but always with clues such as 'Monty Python member' or 'Cohort of Cleese and Idle.' It’s pretty obvious: The left-wing media elite is mocking her. For shame!"

* Via Feministing: Tuesday was bisexuality day. Whoops, see you next year.

Photo by dumbonyc.