In this edition of Sexist Beatdown, politely open a Bud Light Lime with your teeth. Then, join Sady Doyle of Tiger Beatdown and I as we discuss the man that is Stanley McChrystal, the machismo that would be his downfall, and his enthusiastic endorsement of an almost suspiciously terrible beer.

BUT FIRST: Wondering how your workplace machismo measures up to McChrystal's? Take this handy quiz to find out!

Read each of the following statements. Circle each one that describes you:

1. I have wondered aloud how I got screwed into this meeting.

2. I have employed the middle finger in the course of my professional duties.

3. My work reputation is so macho that even drinking Bud Light Lime cannot mar it.

4. I have publicly complained about being forced to hang out in Paris.

5. My gaze can destroy a subordinate's soul without the need for me to raise my voice.

6. I routinely announce that I am superior to my superior.

7. That superior is the Vice President of the United States.

8. I own a custom-made set of nunchucks.

9. I have participated in the "rat-fucking" of my co-workers.

If you circled between one and eight of the statements above, SISSY. If you circled all nine of them—with an emphasis on the "rat-fucking"—congratulations! You're McChrystal-level macho. Do not stare directly into my eyes!

—

AMANDA: Why hello!

SADY: Are you wondering, perchance, how you got screwed into this chat? The answer is that it is scheduled! It comes with the position! Feel free to wave a middle finger and utter a popular middle-school joke in my direction!

AMANDA: That's gay! Or something!

SADY: Dear Lord. This McChrystal profile: I cannot get over it! Like, four pages in, it starts becoming more generous. Which is kind of startling, because on page one it kind of presents McChrystal as this overgrown eighteen-year-old drinking Bud Light Lime and playing World of (Actual) Warcraft (In Which People Die) with his buddies. Bud Light Lime. BUD LIGHT LIME! The reputation-killer!

AMANDA: Right. And also strangely (and earnestly?) appropriating light satirical commentaries on American patriotism, like Team America and Talladega Nights. Maybe he drinks Bud Light Lime and attends Irish bars in Paris ironically? I can't tell.

SADY: I just don't know. But it seems to me that this whole article is profiling McChrystal as like this sad doomed exemplar of a certain kind of machismo. The kind that doesn't overthink, doesn't do things that are "fucking gay" like attend restaurants with candles or drink wine or respect the President, and is dead set on getting its way no matter what the consequences of getting your way when you're resolutely opposed to thinking about stuff or opening your mind at all might actually be. Like, he's this lone soldier who's gonna make everyone see it his way and share his favorite Bruce Lee quotes with everybody and get called a "Jedi" (!!) and it does... not work out well. At all.

AMANDA: The lack of self-awareness is the main thing. I'm amazed that no one had their guard up around Hastings—or better, that this is what they look like with their guard up. I mean, looking at the hilarious photographs accompanying the story of Hastings in hipster jacket and beard and sunglasses hanging out with all these dudes in uniform, you have to wonder what they were thinking.

SADY: Right. Like, that's what's kind of alarming. That not only are they being frat-house homophobic and hostile to diplomacy — although part of their job is supposedly understanding this culture that they're trying to singlehandedly break down and reconstruct — but that they're being quoted as talking smack about everybody in the administration. They're all identified mostly by their positions, not names, but does being anonymous really help with the impression that this entire operation is just Out Of Control?

AMANDA: And insulting the administration in the laziest way possible. Biden? More like Bite Me! France: Gay! Beer: Good! Us: America! THAT BEING SAID. I have employed the middle finger in a professional capacity more than once. I'm not saying I should be appointed Overlord of Afghanistan or anything, but the juvenile culture didn't come as much of a shock to me.

SADY: Yeah. I mean, the sort of cult of macho in the military has been pointed out or critiqued by a lot of people more skilled and nuanced than I. The whole thing, though, about this very specific, juvenile, macho thing is that it prizes the Rugged Individualist who Gets His no matter what and Shows 'Em All... that's also apparently been the downfall of McChrystal, as a dude. Much as I enjoyed the flashbacks to his early days of "rat fucking" (stripping dudes and covering them with shaving cream? Or something?) and taking his wife to Jack in the Box in formal-wear for their erotic date liaisons, it's easy to see that this military culture sort of made him the man he is, and positioned that man for a fall in some very big ways.

AMANDA: Rat-fucking has predicted many a man's downfall.

SADY: Indeed! Rarely has the phrase "enjoys a spirited round of rat fucking" been attached to the resume of a stellar man! Although "he carries a custom-made set of nunchucks in his convoy" is slightly more promising. A custom! Made! Set! Of nunchucks!

AMANDA: When mass-produced nunchucks just won't do.

SADY: Also, this quote, which I just love so much: "The fucking lads love Stan McChrystal,” says a British officer who serves in Kabul. ‘You'd be out in Somewhere, Iraq, and someone would take a knee beside you, and a corporal would be like 'Who the fuck is that?' And it's fucking Stan McChrystal.” That fucking quote, man. I'm like, what the fuck is up with that quote? And it's a quote by a British fucking officer, is what it is. And he's fucking like, "let's use the fuck word some more, mate! Pip fucking pip! Fucking cheerio!"

AMANDA: And it's essentially about how McChrystal is like fucking God of Iraq. Which, you know: That guy who thinks he can do anything he wants with an entire region without either respecting the opinions of his superiors or appearing to take any actual interest in understanding how that region works and what it needs (Bud Lite Lime) — he's gone now, but how did he get this far?

SADY: Yeah. And that's the thing: He participated in cover-ups, he found himself in the middle of scandals, but he endeared himself to the previous administration by embodying the sort of soldier they wanted — one who would do what "had to be done," whether or not it was, like, actually permissible. And now he's carrying that same mind-set forward. It's hubris, I think. At some point, in some administration, Stan McChrystal's sense of entitlement or potential was probably proportionate to his actual mandate or talents. Now, at this point in his life, that seems to be clearly not the case. But what kills me is the part where Dude tries to adopt a more nuanced way of moving forward, and the troops aren't buying it, and it looks like the plan once advanced by... Joe Biden. BITE ME BIDEN. HE'S BECOME THE THING HE HATED. WHICH IS APPARENTLY THE VICE-PRESIDENT.

AMANDA: Except only one of these men is not unlike an older version of Christian Bale in Rescue Dawn! This makes his military strategy instantly more relevant.

SADY: True. Indeed, comparisons to Christian Bale always inspire me with trust in the professionalism and stability of the man being compared. Maybe he actually IS Christian Bale. In his most method role yet!

AMANDA: Where does a hotshot uber-American Bud-Light-Drinking Frenchman-hating black ops military genius go from here?

SADY: I'd kind of like to see him host a cooking show? Or — better! — a new and improved Loveline. "DID YOU TRY TAKING HER TO JACK-IN-THE-BOX? THAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM RIGHT THERE, PUSSY.” These are flippant answers, but I honestly don't know. Dude's been disgraced. I somehow don't see him comfortably taking on consultancy roles. Although Lord knows he just may.

AMANDA: I SEE MY WIFE 30 DAYS A YEAR. YES I'M RETIRED NOW BUT THIS IS THE OPTIMAL RATIO OF DAYS TO SEE YOUR WIFE FOR MAINTENANCE OF A ROGUE MASCULINE PERSONA. OK, so I just think he's just going to type in all caps all the time, on the Internet. Maybe he could write for Tiger Beatdown? I'd like to see him attempt feminist blog comment moderation.

SADY: Ah, the true insurgency! WE'VE GOT TO UNDERSTAND THEIR CULTURE. SOMEBODY GET ON 4-CHAN, NOW NOW NOW! SEND IN THE CHOPPER, AN AYN RAND SITE LINKED US! ARRRRGH!

AMANDA: I mean at the very least he could point us to his custom nunchuck tailor. I've been looking for an upgrade. Also, I'm tired of taking the effort to actually insert fruit into my beer. Surely there's an easier way!

SADY: Have you considered — PRE-FRUITENING? The fruit invades the beer, then assimilates into it! It re-structures the beer to better fit its own juicy flavor! Maybe he could just think of new things to flavor with limes, disgustingly. That's an ongoing market.

AMANDA: Nevermind, it sounds French.

* I really liked this Maureen Dowd column mocking the policing of Kagan's sexuality via a faux Joe Biden e-mail. Dowd as Biden:

I recall how upset she was a few years ago when she got muscled into playing softball by some friends. She hates the game, absolutely HATES it. She cried and cried—like a fragile, adorable little girl. . . . She never watches the Rachel Maddow show. By 9 p.m., Elena’s usually snuggled up in bed in a lacy peach peignoir, scrawling “Mrs. George Clooney” in the margins of Blackstone’s Commentaries.

I think it's a funny send-up of the absurd hetero stereotype that some have foisted upon Kagan in order to convince the public that she's not-gay. Dowd-as-Biden sums up it up: "Elena is anything but a history-making, barrier-breaking, proud, strong, happy gay woman. She’s a garden-variety, sad, scary, single, childless career woman who can’t get a man because she’s too smart, works too much and refuses to settle." Hanna Rosin, on the other hand, thinks the column smacks of anti-gay bullying.

* I Blame the Patriarchy compares the stance of men on the red carpet to that of women.

* Via Hysteria!: What's with Shakira donning blackface for this cheesy World Cup video?

[youtube:v=v4N5N-mGf4U]

* On City Desk: The three gay men accused of conspiracy in covering up the murder of District lawyer Robert Wone are facing trial this week. In his opening statement yesterday, the defense attorney for the men claimed that the police were "prejudiced against his clients from the start." The attorney "says investigators had a hard time understanding why Wone, a straight man, would choose to spend time at a house full of gay men. He says police had accused the suspects of trying to 'gay him up.'" Wow. I have never heard "gaying somebody up" as a motive for murder.

Photo via howieluvzus, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

* From the New York Times' Motherlode blog: Why do seasoned parents insist upon hazing the pregnant with parenting horror stories?

* Want longer eyelashes? Of course you do, because even the most minute detail of your appearance will somehow never be good enough. Introducing "Latisse," the "first federally approved prescription drug for growing longer, lusher lashes"—from the makers of Botox (really!).

* Amanda Marcotte reviews the news anthology Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape, which posits that a "culture of rape" stems from misconceptions of men as predators and women as prey: “If we began to imagine that sex is something that happens because every party involved is burning with desire, instead of something that one person gives up reluctantly to another as a token for love or even just to get him to shut up, then that would make it easier for people to see rape for what it is, and it would make rape that much harder to excuse or rationalize away.”

"[T]he easy to please feminists over at Ms. Magazine put Barack Obama on the cover and gush like teeny-boppers that Obama is some Feminist Super Man who will, presumably, save us little wimin," wrote the Tennessee Guerilla Women.

"[O]h, the irony of picturing a feminist as a superMAN," wrote a poster on Hillary's Village.

"This seems designed to mock people who supported Hillary Clinton during the Democratic Primary. Why does Ms. want to do that now?" writes Feminist Law Professors.

I'm not offended by the cover's assertion that Barack Obama looks like a feminist, but I am disappointed that his Vice Presidential pick and fellow feminist Joe Biden hasn't received the same ridiculous superhero photoshop treatment. I implore you, Ms.: release a Biden version! Check out my blinged-out Biden entry, after the jump:

Glitter Graphics

You're welcome!

Obviously, this is no good. But after Long faults the group of men, the unsympathetic bartender, and the cops, she turns to an unsuspecting target of blame for violence against women: Barack Obama. Long details why Obama may be to blame for her friend's battered face:

I think we cannot dismiss the election's place in all this. The world watched as Hillary Clinton and Sara Palin were eviscerated by the main stream media. Calling women C**** was tolerated. Demeaning and disrespecting women was deemed OK. A young potent male was victorious over an older women. It was a symbolic victory on many deep psychological levels. I am afraid last night was just the beginning and that there will be more crimes against women. Times have changed and not for the better. I can smell it in the air.

Another blogger chimed in, calling the post-election U.S. "Open Season on Women" and tapping her post on the incident with a "Thanks Barack":

[Obama] has used misogyny to stir up hatred of women in the media and on the blogs that supported him. Now that the genie is out of the bottle, it won’t soon be put back. We are going to be dealing with this for a long time to come.

Hey, I want a lady to be president as much as anybody. But I'll take a real victory for women over a symbolic one any day. I've yet to see the evidence of whatever misogynist genie Barack Obama and Joe Biden have conjured up in their campaign, but I'm willing to bet it will satisfy more lady wishes than a ticket that opposed abortion, forced women to pay for their own rape kits, put women's health in sarcastic finger quotes and, you know, actually called somebody a cunt. Thanks a lot, Barack Obama. Thanks a lot.

Joe Biden's Teeth are honored with their own meme.

* Julia Lapidos for Slate informs readers of how to follow Joe Biden's advice to "gird your loins." (Hint: This plan does not incorporate your genitals). Learn more in "Loin-Girding 101."

* Via Funny or Die: Rashida Jones (of The Office) and Natalie Portman (of everything) have an answer to the financial crisis.

* Obama Girl is back. This time she's hyping a fake video game president. Yawn.

* GWU student blog The Colonialist analyzes the lyrics to Britney Spears' new single, "Womanizer," which the CW's Gossip Girl has adopted as the unofficial theme song of its resident ascot-wearing attempted rapist, Chuck Bass. All of which is by way of saying: I love Chuck Bass.

* Evil Slutopia finds this sweet Joe Biden cupcake, via my.barackobama.com.

* Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin have got nothin' on this lady: She advocated for sexual freedom, wore tons of booty ruffles, and ran for president back when most women couldn't even vote. Plus, she was clairvoyant! NPR's "All Things Considered" looks back at the first female to run for president, Victoria Woodhull.

* Esquire names Halle Berry the "Sexiest Woman Alive" (no quibbles), "re-enacts" famous Bill Clinton cover with Berry sitting in for Bubba (minor quibble: whither the pants, shirt of Clintonian era?)

* Beware the rogue knitted tree trunk. Outsapop names a new trend in the world of craft: Knitgraffiti.

* For some reason, infoplease wants to know which famous politician you'd want to adopt your children if you died: "Which of these political couples would you select as guardians for your child/children in the event something happened to you and your spouse or partner?"

Because in the event of your death, Joe and Jill Biden, John and Cindy McCain, Barack and Michelle Obama, and First Dude and Sarah Palin will definitely not have anything better to do but raise a stranger's children. (Yeah, yeah, you can vote here). Current results:

Barack & Michelle Obama	36%
Todd & Sarah Palin	32%
Joe & Jill Biden	17%
John & Cindy McCain	16%
Total votes cast: 3047

* The Washington Post Magazine yesterday detailed the storied law office romance of Michelle and Barack Obama. Even with my hard, unfeeling heart, I managed to read this . . . almost all the way though. Here's the engagement story:

[Michelle] began to pressure Barack to get married . . . Barack put her off, arguing that marriage was a meaningless institution and that the only thing that mattered was how they felt about each other. Michelle, whose parents had been married for some 30 years, wasn't buying it.

Then, one night in 1991, he took her to Gordon, an expensive Chicago restaurant, and she started to press him again. He went into his usual tirade against marriage, a dissertation that went on until they ordered dessert. When it came, the plate had a box on it, and in the box was an engagement ring.

"'That kind of shuts you up, doesn't it?'" Michelle remembers Barack telling her.

Plus this strange tidbit about Michelle's early legal work:

The group went out of its way to give Michelle work suited to her interests. When an opportunity came in to handle the budding public television career of Barney, the purple dinosaur poised to become a phenomenon among American children, Goldstein says he and others felt it had Michelle's name written all over it.

* Sarah Palin reserved her very own place in Hell on Saturday. At a California rally, Palin (poorly) recited a quote from Madeline Albright in an attempt to re-affirm the "feminist" angle of her campaign. The speech began with an endorsement from L.A. National Organization for Women president Shelly Mandel, which I can only imagine is the way Andy Kaufman has chosen to tell us all that he's still alive. But don't worry, Palin didn't get the quote from her extensive research of Clinton-era foreign policy; she got it from Starbucks:

I'm reading on my Starbucks mocha cup, okay? The quote of the day... It was Madeleine Albright, former Secretary of State [crowd boos] and UN ambassador. Now she said it, I didn't. She said, 'There's a place in Hell reserved for women who don't support other women.' [Crowd approval] . . . OK, now thank you so much for receiving that well—I didn’t know how that was going to go over . . . And now California, let’s see what a comment that I just made how that is turned into whatever it’ll be turned into tomorrow in the newspaper.

I'm not sure that newspapers can really be blamed for twisting Albright's Starbucks' Palin's words, which barely make sense on the level of the sentence. More confusing than the actual speech, though, is that the crowd first boos Albright, then cheers her words when filtered through the finely calibrated Starbucks-Palin machine.

* Last summer, the New York Observer found New York City's hottest transsexual woman, super fox Jamie Clayton. Now, Logo's got the first Clayton video interview: [via Gawker]. Clayton talks about "blending in" and New York guys' pick-up lines.

* Tina Fey is Palin; Queen Latifah is Gwen Ifill:

Plus, why some are amused, confused, by Fey's success at Palin's faults: "Wow, she really looks like Tina Fey. Tina Fey has been doing a great job parodying her. Boy, I love Tina Fey. Ack, but I don't love Sarah Palin. Nononononononono! Bad mental association. Bad." [via Feministe].

Photo by DanieVDM

* Quick recap on women's and GLBT issues because there's not much to say. The candidates (and moderator Gwen Ifill) were largely silent on women's issues, beyond Biden name-dropping the Violence Against Women Act and Palin laughably veering the Straight Talk Express to give a brief shout out to "our respect for women's rights." Palin and Biden did find some troubling middle ground on gay marriage. Both said that they supported equal benefits for same sex couples, but announced in no uncertain terms that they oppose gay marriage. Palin announced that she was "tolerant" and again used her One Gay Friend as an example of her acceptance of the gay "choice." Biden said marriage should be a "decision to be left up to the faiths." Agreed,  Biden, but what the fuck do the "faiths" have to do with the legal definition of marriage?

* Slate explains how debate moderator Gwen Ifill is free to choose her own questions—ostensibly. Jason Cherkis has already said everything I want to say about Ifill: "Could she have bothered to press either candidate (but especially Palin) when they refused—sometimes openly refused—to answer her questions? Or how about a follow-up when Palin suggested expanding the veep’s authority? Or what about healthcare? Ifill couldn’t even press Palin after the candidate dodged a softball on the candidates’ weaknesses." If anything, Ifill's perceived "conflict of interest" made her uninterested in doing her job: Simply requiring the candidates to answer her questions instead of shooing them beneath the podium and (drill baby) drilling home their talking point.

* A quick note on personality: Biden's had 35 years in the Senate to define his persona as an advocate for the middle class; Palin, by her own admission, has had five weeks on the national stage to do the same. Palin did her best to push through as the gosh-darn, winking, folksy Alaskan mama bear in the debate, dropping "Main Street" and "kitchen table" like nobody's business—even mentioning the "soccer mom" along with the "hockey mom" to broaden her extracurricular-activity appeal. In the end, Biden finally just fucking explains why it's ridiculous for them to spend the whole debate fighting about who's more "real." TPM has a video clip of the moment:

[youtube:v=pC1W1_sTgFE]

8:58 P.M. What is the best network to watch the debates on? A haggard-looking Chris Matthews is babbling away on MSNBC.

9:00 P.M. Gwen Ifill lays it down. Half domestic, half foreign policy. Chosen by Ifill. Order by coin toss. No "untoward outbursts." None of this free-flowing Lehrer shit.

9:03 P.M. Can I call you Joe!?

9:05 P.M. Biden's fundamental disagreement—they're "fundamentally changing" the focus on the economy.

9:06 P.M. Soccer games?! What happened to the hockey mom? Reaching out to the contiguous moms!

9:07 P.M. Politics aside, country first, common sense, last.

9:08 P.M. A whole team of MAVERICKS! Drink. Hard.

9:09 P.M. Darn right, it was the predator lenders. Are you listening, Ben Eason?

9:12 P.M. Oh Joey at the local gas station—you represent all of us.

9:13 P.M. LIES! Government will have to learn to live with less—less experience, less accountability. That's the Palin promise.

9:14 P.M. Watch out, Straight Talk Express coming through. Does a tax record in Alaska really count? Don't they get money from the government over there?

9:16 P.M. Biden says those listening are the economic integrity of the United States. That's me, fuckers!

9:17 P.M. Anti-government, Governor?

9:18 P.M. Oh, Biden. Keep your chuckling down.

9:20 P.M. Oooh—(Freudian?) Barack Obama/John McCain slip.

9:21 P.M. Bridge to Barack/Biden! Booyah!

9:22 P.M. Biden! Keep the rambling nonsense down!

9:23 P.M. BTW, John McCain doesn't flip-flop. Also, any of that greed that's been, I guess, instrumental, wasn't going to happen in Alaska. Bless their hearts, though. But oh god, at least she can think of some specific names. Gwen Iffil is no Katie Couric, it seems.

9:24 P.M. Palin hasn't promised a lot ... except to attack Pakistan.

9:25 P.M. "This is something that John McCain supported," Ifill clues in. Nice neutral move. Obviously, Palin says she would have supported, too.

9:28 P.M. Palin: I disagree, but I can't say why because I don't have time. I only have time to talk about my "record" of living on "Main Street" and helping you "relate" to me.

9:30 P.M. Ifill needs to get some Lehrer into her and call Palin on her question-hijacking bullshit. Biden can't do it, then he'd be "condescending."

9:31 P.M. It truly is a special time when we're seeing sprawling, era-long climate changes within our lifetime because of the Earth's natural changes, which happen all the time but could never support the changes explained by evolution.

9:33 P.M. DRILL BABY DRILL! Oh thank G*d Sarah Palin for saying that. Thank you.

9:34 P.M. Half an hour in—Palin's avoiding and lying, but she's doing okay. Biden's maintaining, too. Bring out the fireworks, people? We love you both for your flaws!

9:35 P.M. Gwen Ifill is fair and balanced, but boooring.

9:37 P.M. Here we go! Social issues! Get the gays away from Palin's First Dude!

9:38 P.M. Palin supports hospital visits, contract between parties—that's progressive indeed. Good job, Barack Obama and Joe Biden for agreeing with them—NO GAY MARRIAGE. Weak.

9:39 P.M. The surge has worked, bringing us back to pre-surge numbers. Huh?

9:41 P.M. Palin says finishing a war is a surrender. Eh, who cares. Get the fuck out.

9:43 P.M. BIDEN'S GRIN melts my heart!

9:44 P.M. John McCain missed like 700 years of history. Whoops. Don't worry, dude—Biden still loves you.

9:45 P.M. Saying John McCain is "dead wrong" is a bit touchy, no?

9:47 P.M. On to Pakistan—schools not bombs. Thanks Biden for a real answer.

9:48 P.M. Kissinger did well in his Palin foreign leader primer! Ahmadinejad! Say it again! Say it!

9:49 P.M. "OUR" RESPECT FOR WOMEN'S RIGHTS?

9:51 P.M. Stop saying McCain/Palin administration. It makes me want to stock up on contraception.

9:52 P.M. Ok, 9:52. What the hell is Palin talking about? Change? Have you guys just been cribbing from the Obama playbook? You're not saying anything! Your cheeky sighs will not tempt me, Governor!

9:56 P.M. "Nucular" weaponry would be the end to "too many parts of our planet." How many parts of our planet are too many?

9:57 P.M. A commenter says Palin is amping up her IQ tonight. I think she's finally learned how to bullshit a little bit.

9:58 P.M. You can put lipstick on a Joe Biden and . . . maybe he'd steal a little bit more attention. I feel like the whole debate is just waiting for what crazy thing Palin is going to come out with.

9:59 P.M. I like how Palin addresses her "points" toward Biden—Biden's "Gwen" schtick is getting a little tiresome, especially since Ifill's pretty much sitting back on this one.

10:01 P.M. Commenter says actually, Biden's looking at Palin, but that the camera is pointed strangely. In the wide shot, though, it looks like her eyes are on him, and his are on Ifill.

10:03 P.M. "Oh, man, it's so obvious I'm a Washington outsider!" Yeah, but she's got the smugness already.

10:04 P.M. Hmm, if she called for divestment from funding in Sudan and the legislation hasn't passed yet, you know, she probably does know a little bit about Washington. Maybe Palin's forgetting that "Washington" rears its head in Wasilla, too.

10:06 P.M. The pundits don't start tomorrow morning, Palin. We're live-blogging this!

10:07 P.M. The heartbeat cliche! Ifill asks them about their presidencies—as if Palin didn't appear to be running for President, anyway.

10:09 P.M. Palin denies that "that would ever happen!" to ye olde John McCain. Oh, you maverick, how your possible presidency is so completely unpredictable and scary.

10:10 P.M. Joe Biden spends a lot of time in Home Depot. How many sprawling Scranton dollhouses must you construct in your lifetime, Joe Biden.

10:11 P.M. Doggonit, I'll be hogswallowed up in this hooten and holler, all this Bush Administration hogwashin has got my winkin' grandmother all a-tussle. SCHOOLKID SHOUTOUT!

10:12 P.M. If Sarah Palin can say "shoutout" during a vice presidential debate, even I could be vice president. Tight.

10:13 P.M. Sarah Palin thinks the Vice President should get more power? President of the Senate my ass, I want to be dictator.

10:15 P.M. Biden can offer advice; Palin can offer a figurehead. How valuable is that after this campaign?

10:16 P.M. Cheney most dangerous Vice President in American History—pwned, Dick!

10:17 P.M. I think we're all worried about how Tina Fey will approach this one.

10:18 P.M. Alaska is a huge state but it's full of wolves! Wolves! Wolves.

10:19 P.M. Palin tries to push the middle class, Main Street persona with her little wink. Nice job pissing on the pure Alaskan snow that is Biden's middle-class cred!

10:20 P.M. At commenter—this blog is an anti-feminist blog only since Sarah Palin identified herself as a feminist.

10:21 P.M. Joe Biden—your own life story is so much better than ol' Johnny's at the gas store.

10:22 P.M. Oh Joe Biden has a touching life story too? Well, Palin's a maverick. A maverick! McCain, too.

10:23 P.M. Ah yes, the "diverse background" of the Republican party. Like, we got a former Democrat. Lieberman.

10:24 P.M. Biden's getting pissed! Thank you! Biden wraps it up with a sad-to-angry tour-de-force! Also, I still think about Mel Gibson when I hear "maverick." You haven't totally stolen it from Gibson, John McCain.

10:25 P.M. Biden again brings up Supreme Court. "It matters what your judicial philosophy is," he says. What if you don't know any court cases? That's Main Street.

10:26 P.M. Palin keeps calling Alaska "up there." Yeah, yeah Palin's from Alaska. Does anyone in the 48 states have a romantic vision of Alaska?

10:27 P.M. Palin walks walk, talks talk, reads . . . something.

10:29 P.M. Palin likes being able to speak to the public without the filtering of the MSM. I think she means the McCain campaign.

10:30 P.M. Proud to be Americans, have to fight for our freedoms. Yadda yadda. But her family is "diverse"? Huh?

10:31 P.M. Hmm, Palin quotes Reagan on "extinction." Does Palin even believe in extinction??

10:32 P.M. Biden and Palin shake hands. She tries to walk away pretty quick, he keeps the handshake going.

10:33 P.M. My god the WHOLE FAMILY IS HERE! The whole, "diverse" family. Note to Palin: I know, like, tons of babysitters.

10:34 P.M. Okay, debate's over. Joe Biden's giving the shoulder rub. Palin looks uncomfortable with this post-war chattin'.

10:35 P.M. First dude cleans up!

10:36 P.M. My god, I can't get over it—she's surrounded with children. Diverse, white Alaskan children.

10:38 P.M. Gaffe attack—Brokaw says Palin misstates number of troops in Iraq, name of general in Afghanistan, name-checks Civil War General McClellan.

10:40 P.M. All in all—nobody really fucked up. I wanted my NASCAR race.

10:41 P.M. Geraldine Ferraro on MSNBC want her grandchildren to be able to look at Palin as an example as a strong female candidate. What about you, Ferraro!

10:42 P.M. Exxon commercial on MSNBC!

10:43 P.M. I would give the firstborn child I never plan to have to know what Hillary Clinton thinks about this.

10:45 P.M. Now, Palin and Biden are done. Now, the pundits take over.

10:49 P.M. Pundits call Palin "home-spun," "direct," compare her to Ronald Reagan. Fuck this, I'm going to bed. Thanks for following along!

Refresh for more.

Only three hours to go until the most important U.S. vice presidential live blog since Al Gore invented the Internets. Some words for our competitors: Watch out, Senator Biden—Sarah Palin's been reading the newspapers, all of them! Not so fast, Governor Palin—Joe Biden's been gaffin' up gaffe-town since you were in like second grade! Woah there, Gwen Ifill—try to keep the fist-bumping Obama stooge in you in check for an hour and a half— City Paper folk hero Dave McKenna demands it of you! Candidates, clip on the unmovable fortresses which are your hairdos and get ready to rumble! BONUS: This live blog now accepting live comments! Live! Oh my goodness I am so excited!

While you're at it: Take the edge off the Sarah Palin/Joe Biden showdown by playing along with The Sexist's 2008 Vice Presidential Drinking Game.

The debate begins at 9 p.m. EST; I'll be live-blogging here starting around 8:45.

Jed Lewison of the Huffington Post has compiled this video showing Sarah Palin performing well during the 2006 Alaskan gubernatorial debates. Since Alaska is just a "microcosm of the United States" . . . maybe, just maybe!

[youtube:v=UYaJkWUBP3s]

A great Joe Biden moment, from last year's Democratic Presidential debates. Moderator Brian Williams asks Biden about his "uncontrolled verbosity" and characterization as a "gaffe-machine." Biden's response:

[youtube:v=XberX_t-WvI]

In an interview released today, Couric asks Palin and Joe Biden essentially the same questions: "Why do you think Roe v. Wade was a good/bad decision?" and "Are there Supreme Court decisions you disagree with?" Biden answers them; Palin leaves me with a rage that I fear can only be satiated by gunning down a wild Alaskan wolf from an aircraft.

Just in case you missed it:

Couric: What other Supreme Court decisions do you disagree with?

Palin: Well, let's see. There's, of course in the great history of America there have been rulings, that's never going to be absolute consensus by every American. And there are those issues, again, like Roe v. Wade, where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So you know, going through the history of America, there would be others but …

Couric: Can you think of any?

Palin: Well, I could think of … any again, that could be best dealt with on a more local level. Maybe I would take issue with. But, you know, as mayor, and then as governor and even as a vice president, if I'm so privileged to serve, wouldn't be in a position of changing those things but in supporting the law of the land as it reads today.

Seriously, could Sarah Palin pass the Q-and-A portion of the Miss America pageant? Maybe this is why Palin couldn't clinch the Miss Alaska title—it sure wasn't the swimsuit portion.

Thursday night, I'll be live-blogging the sole VP debate between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden. As I do so, I will be playing a Palin-Biden drinking game of my own design. Here, The Sexist's advice on when to drink—and when to chug.

Alcoholic beverage of choice. If you decide to play up the regional theme, select Alaskan Amber for Palin and Delaware brew Dogfish Head for Biden. If you're playing for personality, select a Moosehead Lager for Palin (or a sloppy White Russian, if you're looking for something harder). When toasting to Biden, immerse yourself in blue-collar Scranton, PA and choose a Rolling Rock (edit-now proudly brewed in New Jersey).

CHUG YER BEER if you hear PALIN say:

- Russia
- Name of any foreign leader (mispronounced)
- Elitism
- God / Jesus
- Main Street
-Abortion
- Drill [x10 if followed by "Baby, drill"]
- Barack Obama
- Joe
- "Pssh," or "Psshaw"
BONUS: Drink anytime Palin blinks.

SIP FROM THY DOGFISH HEAD if BIDEN says:

- Bush Doctrine
- Name of any foreign leader (pronounced correctly)
- Experience
- Middle class
- Financial bailout
- Scranton
- Wall Street
- John McCain
- Governor
- Exasperated sigh

FINISH YOUR BEER if:

- PALIN says "Lipstick" or "Hockey"
- BIDEN compliments any woman's looks
- PALIN says she'll "get back to you."
- BIDEN appears to creepily check out Palin
- EITHER CANDIDATE says a FACT you know to be false.

Add your suggestions in the comments.

Image—S.S. Princess May shipwrecked off Sentinel Island, Alaska, 1910—by trialsanderrors.

* On Slate, Dahlia Lithwick serves Joe Biden with some rules on how to fight a girl. Lithwick, a former parliamentary debater (side-note: totally awesome), gives Biden a frank run-down on how not to lose the Veep debate to Governor Palin. Most of the advice is fine—don't leer, don't condescend, don't stoop—until Lithwick slips from the particular Biden/Palin scenario to a generalization about all male/female match-ups.

When Lithwick writes that her "insanely successful college debate friend told me recently that the way he won against women was by always behaving like they were men," the implication is that minus their feminine wiles—the lipstick on their pit bulls—women will lose. After a long explanation of why Biden shouldn't respond to Palin with Palin tactics, Lithwick's kicker—"My best advice to you for dealing with Gov. Palin? Fight like a man. She will."—is both confusing and lame. Who's the man what now?

* The Washington Post marches boldly on with their "Wedding Week" coverage. At 1 p.m. today, join the authors of The Bridal Wave: A Survival Guide to the Everyone-I-Know-Is-Getting-Married Years for a live online chat. Ask Erin Torneo and Valerie Cabrera Krause how people who desperately wish they were married manage to be more tragic than the people who actually publicly declare how they're going to love each other forever in front of everyone they know. Including their parents.

* Wait, coverage of marriage issues that doesn't include pandering to the wedding industry? The Blade tips you off to a panel discussion on marriage rights in California and Massachusetts, tonight at 6:30 at the University of California Washington Center. UCWC is located at 1608 Rhode Island Avenue NW.

* The New Gay chronicles the "hidden history" of the women behind the writings of Victorian author Michael Field.

* Via Wonkette: Michelle dances with Ellen. Possible next First Lady jam: Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music." Last year, Barack got down to Beyonce's "Crazy in Love." Umm, I only watch Ellen when an Obama is on the show, does she make everyone do this?

Photo by NCinDC.