When he’s on tour with his metal band, Born of Osiris, guitarist Tosin Abasi gets a lot of shit for wearing women’s khaki shorts. Now, MasterCard’s new “Perfect Pair of Jeans” promotion is here to tell Abasi that every cool person in history hates his shorts, too. The credit card company’s commercial features some iconic jeans-wearing celebrities—like Marlon Brando, John Wayne, Carlos Santana, and the Ramones—and lists off the types of bottoms MasterCard thinks they would never wear:

“A pair of pleated slacks: I don’t think so.”

“A pair of capri pants: Never in a million years.”

“A pair of khaki shorts: Ain’t gonna happen.”

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The Sexist is out for the weekend, so we’re wrapping things up a little early this week. Today, kick off your Memorial Day holiday early by tying on a CockBib, throwing on some denim jeans, and blasting that new Jamie Foxx joint on the radio. Also, the Sexist reached its 1,000th blog post this week, which surely means something about where my life is headed.

1. Advice on How Not to Advise Women Not to Get Raped, in which a rape apologist by the name of “Rational Reader” rises again!

2. The Five Most Inappropriate CockBib Phrases, in which “Pussy Killer” isn’t even the most inappropriate of all!

3. George F. Will Hates Jeans, in which the rich shall not deign to dress in the uniform of the proles.

4. Top Five Date Rape Anthems, or, a soundtrack to your acquaintance-rape-justification.

5. Why Sex Positivity is Bad for Feminism, in which I probably would have headlined this differently if I knew anyone was going to actually read it.

So, George F. Will wrote 700 words in the Washington Post yesterday on why he hates jeans. The column, “America’s Bad Jeans,” was largely inspired by last month’s Wall Street Journal piece by Daniel Akst on why he hates jeans. Apparently, Will felt that just one rich white guy opining on his distaste for plebeian fashion was not enough, in this economy.

I’m tempted to sympathize with Will here: Some weeks, you’re just really hard up for a column. In this case, however, Will’s misuse of his cushy WaPo spot is too egregious not to mention. Will spends half his jeans essay rehashing Akst’s jeans essay, chortling along as he relives Ackst’s every turn. Will co-opts Akst’s argument that the blue jean, once decidedly working-class, has now become an expensive, obnoxious, and hypocritical mark of the American elite, who take pains to “slum it” in their unwashable designer jeans. Will then rehashes Akst’s SUV-to-the-Whole Foods joke, his McMansions joke, and his Steve Jobs joke.

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As a part of a marketing campaign for its new line of “XXX” jeans, Italian jean-maker Diesel has released this video, titled “Diesel Productions Presents: SFW XXX.” It features no jeans.

The video is a compilation of totally NSFW porn clips made “safe for work” by superimposing cartoon drawings over the porn actors’ naughty bits. The cartoon animation cover-ups include a koala clinging to a woman’s naked body, a harmonica placed in a woman’s mouth as she performs oral sex, and a giant, firing bazooka placed in a man’s hands in place of a naked woman.

Whether or not the video is actually SFW depends on where you work. Word to the wise: Might want to plug in the headphones on this one. Watch it after the jump.

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