Just a Girl in Short Shorts Talking About Whatever celebrates "A Very Gay President's Day" by reopening speculation on the sexual orientation of two 19th Century presidents–bad President James Buchanan and good President Abraham Lincoln. All this talk about Civil War era gay Presidents got me thinking: Would we ever see a closeted gay person in the modern White House?

Short Shorts takes us back to the mid-1800's, where America saw two closeted (maybe) gay (maybe) Presidents in a row! Buchanan, Short Shorts writes, "was almost certainly queer," noting that "Andy Jackson referred to him, in the homophobic humor of the time, as 'Miss Nancy.'" (Though in all fairness, I'm betting Andrew Jackson called a lot of people gay). Lincoln, on the other hand, kept his queerness more under-the-radar, but was still rumored to be "a gay or bi dude—oh yeah," after "as a young lawyer, he spent four years sharing a bed with a handsome shopkeeper named Joshua Steed."

My have the times changed. Okay, okay—we can never know for sure if we've seen a closeted gay president in our lifetimes. Perhaps all of the modern presidents have been secretly gay! But how about those candidates who, like Buchanan, are pretty much acknowledged to very likely be gay, but aren't public about their sexualities?

Short Shorts herself references some other modern leaders—she cites "Senator Lindsay Graham or Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano"— who are "undoubtedly gay, but it is all sublimated in the interest of a life of the mind and total devotion to their work." I'm not outing Graham or Napolitano here. But would the rumors surrounding their sexualities pass presidential scrutiny in the modern era, when a candidate's personal life becomes the business of all American voters? Or are closeted candidates now relegated to the Senators, Governors, and Homeland Security Chiefs of the world?

More interesting, are we now more likely to elect a gay candidate who is clear about his or her sexual orientation than one who must continually fight off rumors of being gay?

Photo by dbking

I, too, enjoy indiscriminately copying a phrase from a public figure's Web site, arbitrarily deciding I disagree with it, and burying my nonsensical criticism in 400 words of jokes about the figure's perceived sexual orientation. Upon further inspection, though, I think your little lesbian Mad Lib could be a bit more to the point, no? After the jump, I've edited your hilarious homophobic euphemisms to help you say what you really mean.

You're a little old for me, Secretary of Homeland Security Elect, but boy are you tough a lesbian. According to Wikipedia, you're "an avid basketball fan who regularly plays tennis" a lesbian! That's so cute! Now, Napolitano, to be honest, we couldn't be more different. I'm not the athletic type butch, I get sports terms all mixed up, and I haven't worked up an impressive heart rate since the last millennium.

That is, until I saw your photo!!!

How did such a handsome woman lesbian manage to stay single for so long? And why is your last name so much fun to say?

But enough fawning, let's be serious for a moment. I love how, as Governor Napolitano of Arizona, you've taken extensive measures to create fiscal responsibility and to end bureaucratic waste. Maybe you could teach my own faltering state Governor, Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger, a thing or two. For instance, yesterday I had to take a dilapidated public bus full of garbage and pathogenic microbes to stand in a three hour line for an unemployment check. I brought a library book, but two thirds of the pages were missing and the remaining third made references to the Soviet Union. [incomprehensible screed about California]. Bet that wouldn't happen on your watch! I sure wish you could ride in on a horse like Prince Charming a lesbian and save us. Then I'd hop on sidesaddle and we'd gallop off into the smoggy horizon, my hair limp and greasy from unregulated toxic emissions lesbianism.

But things get even more romantic gayer from there. We could eat spaghetti and discuss fortifying the nation's borders. I'd giggle nervously at the sight of your sturdy posture and resolute facial expressions lesbianism. We could make a real night of it; I've already invited Maddow, Samantha Ronson, and Condi several notable lesbians. Actually, Sam might not follow all the political jargon, but she could sit there chain smoking and looking exhausted gay. As for you, do me one favor: skip all the makeup and just show up in a swoon-worthy blazer or polo shirt with a rakishly aggressive collar some gay shit.

Love,
Sascha a "humorist."

Dr. Aline Zoldbrod, sex therapist, says, “If you cut your hair you might be making a statement that says, ‘I don’t want to be seen as a sex object.'"

Matt Titus, published author ( . . . of a book titled “Why Hasn’t He Called?”) says, “Men love long hair; the touch and the smell stimulates our senses. . . . The three physical things that attract a man are a great body, beautiful long hair or great lips. So cutting off one third of your beacons of attraction doesn’t increase your chances of having Mr. Right approach you. It’s like sending a nonverbal message that you’re not interested in sex.”

So that's why he hasn't called. Short-haired Jezebel Maria respectfully disagrees, and offers up one pro for chopping it off: "One good part of having short hair? It weeds out the slimy creeps," she writes.

Ha ha, no, unfortunately, there are slimy creeps for every hairstyle. Speaking as a fellow short-haired lady (some characterize it as the "Farrow"; I prefer the term "Napolitano"), shorter hair hasn't lessened the number of weirdos propositioning me in poorly lit bars. For every Matt Tisus in the world, there is a stranger lurking just outside a short-haired woman's field of vision, leering at the exposed flesh of her neck.

Also, I once found a boy I was dating searching for "short hair lesbian porn" on his dorm room computer. So, you know, some people are a little too into it.

Photo courtesy U.S. Department of Defense