* Do you want to see Jay-Z at love tonight? Get ready for some "affection and passion, for the feeling of that first kiss, tingles you feel from a certain touch, soft whispers that excite and move you, and intimate feelings that stir your soul," because that's what you might have to endure to win a ticket to the club. "LOOKING FOR A LADY TO ATTEND LOVE NIGHT CLUB AND PARK NIGHT WITH ME THIS WEEKEND TO CELEBRATE THE BRINGING OF OUT NEW PRESIDENT," writes the poster, who offers up club tickets alongside "discreet affectionate romance, erotic passion, and intense excitement." The posting is accompanied by an illustration of a single rose dripping in diamonds with a cursive script reading, "Hello."

* This 32-year-old man-seeking woman poster seeks not a date, but rather an opportunity to gloat. "If I told you what I do for a living, I probably would have to kill you. Just kidding," he writes. "[A]t times it can get boring. Luckily, it's not so boring right now and for those of you who otherwise cannot make it to the inauguration or just simply can't stand the cold—here is a little picture of me braving the elements as we prepare the inauguration of a new incoming president."

* This 41-year-old local submits his weekend services as a tour guide. "I am looking for an attractive woman who would enjoy a night or more of nice dinners, great conversation, people watching, maybe some nightlife," he writes. "I am not looking for sex, prostitutes, or gay men."

* "How are you tonite?" asks this post, by a man seeking a woman. "[B]raving the cold snap?....about to brave the crush of people for the inauguration?" If you are college-educated, funny, and toned, mayhaps you are just what this North Virginian has been looking for: "Looking for a person with the similar yin (or yang?)" he writes.

* Two twenty-something "bi-racial sexy, fun, intelligent, positive and articulate free-spirits" seek two "cute like-minded guys" for a "fun, obamatastic time." One is "beautiful and slender"; the other, "beautiful . . . with big boobs." Inquire within.

Photo by lolololori

* If you're interested in attending this all-male inauguration-week orgy (no link due to explicit nature of attached photographs, which I just opened in the coffee shop from which I am writing this post), get ready to play to type. "Orgymaster is seeking Horny Military dudes, Leather Daddies, Hunky Frat stud, Handsome Business Execs, and Humpy Athletic guys," the poster writes. "In town for business, Inauguration or MAL Leather weekend? Cum, Cum, Cum!!!"

* This 40-year-old man-seeking-man in town for the inauguration says he's "more the nerd type." His posting, paired with a photo of himself outside the White House in belted jean shorts, is worth repeating in entirety:

horny but honest ok?
pic attached
like to explore the city while I'm here and like to explore guys also ..ok?
let me know what you might be into and where..

* Another presser looking for inauguration-week tail! "Media Person here for a week or so to do my job—when its over I want to play—pure and simple," writes this 31-year-old man-seeking-man. "I cover Foreign Press matters in a beautiful European city and don't get back to the States too often."

* This "LOVELY EUROPEAN WOMAN" requires a date—urgently. "I AM ON MY WAY TO THE INAUGURATION WANTS TO MEET A GENTLEMAN OVER FORTY WELL EDUCATED PROFESSIONAL , REFINED, NON SMOKER , FIT , AVAILABLE ,FOR DINNER OR SHOW ME THE CITY," she writes. "NO PIC NO REPLY."

* This "single, handsome guy" in town for the inauguration seeks a woman "that might want to hang out for a day or so around the 20th. Maybe lunch, maybe coffee?" he writes. Uh, maybe more: he specifies—strange language choice, no?—that the woman be "of legal age."

Photo by army.mil

* This woman not only requires an inauguration date—she requires an inauguration date with "a possibility of a relationship." If you're between the ages of 43 and 53, "will watch sports, movies and even read the paper" with her, and are "someone that can eat when they feel like it," inquire within. Poster also enjoys "gambling."

* This 34-year-old woman's house renters may not be too pleased with this ad, which offers up floor space for inauguration-related goodies. "There might also be space to stay over at the place I rented very close to the events," writes the poster, after noting she doesn't "have a ticket to the swearing in if anyone has an extra."

* This 37-year-old D.C. woman isn't playing. "DO YOU NEED A DATE FOR THE Inauguration???" she writes. "I WOULD LIKE TO GO WITH YOU." She continues: "ok let's not waste time since it is next week. i am a sexy white female." Her requirements are not unreasonable: "just be for real and no head games."

* This trio of 30-something teachers seeks three "artsy" ball dates for the evening of the inauguration. "We are going to an artsy ball with fire dancers and other Burning Man kinda-type stuff," they write. "Please be edgy and political."

* Finally—a woman with tickets seeks a man without. "I'm looking for a date to accompany me to one or both events on Mon and Tues evenings. I already have my ticket to both. They are a semi formal and a black tie event. Will consist predominantly of young, urban professionals," she writes. She's looking for a "single black or latino male, age 27-35, tall (pref. 6 ft & up), fit, looks good in a tux" for a strictly platonic affair.

Photo by NataPics.

A 28-year-old man who identifies himself as a "conservative and a big fan of one of the greatest Presdident's ever, George W. Bush," is looking for a date to commiserate with while the rest of the District celebrates the inauguration of one of our worst Presdident's ever.

"For those of us who are not celebrating this inauguration, how about you join me in the staffer send-off to President Bush at Andrews Airforce Base," he writes. "Interested, tell me about yourself, include a picture, and let me know why I should pick you."

The headline of the personals ad, which has now been deleted by its author, specifies a "petite Asian." Seeing as the ad was written by a conservative male seeking a woman, I'm betting that that petite Asian is you, not him.

Photo by Muhammad Adnam Asid.

* Finally! Spring chicken seeks date for inaugural ball. This 21-year-old man (boy, really!) will be in-town for the inauguration, and seeks "a girl around my age to go with."

* This inauguration ticket-seeker is offering up something a little more interesting than fine conversation and nice legs: Superbowl tickets. If you want to score two tickets to the Superbowl, prepare to cough up "4 seated tickets to the swearing-in ceremony, 8 preferred standing tickets to the swearing in (NW/SW/West/North or South only), 12 bleacher seats to the parade, 4 tickets to any of the PIC Balls held at the DC Convention Center." And this poster ain't playin'. "We are not interested in Mall Standing tickets," he writes.

* Easy "Beach Ball" joke! This 31-year-old "San Diego California" resident seeks a woman who "would love to show a beach kid around town." Oh, and he has tickets to two balls.

* This 42-year-old Floridian has a list of demands for women interested in accompanying him to history. "I have been invited to The Inauguration of Barack Obama in Washington DC on Jan. 20 and a staff party on Jan. 21," he writes. "This person must: Hopefully knows the Washington DC area, or knows/has a place to stay during the Inaugural week. Is a democrat/liberal and believes in the causes of Obama. . . . Need responses in the next 2 days.

* This 45-year-old local claims to have a "good head attached at the shoulders, just not visible in this picture." (The photo, from the neck down, recalls a Rufus Humphrey type). The District resident's interests are similarly benign: "drinks after work, interesting ethnic restairants, showing someone the tourist sights, and just hanging out over coffee."

Photo by Paul Keleher.

* Slate's XX Factor hashes it out over Rick Warren. Sara Mosley hates Warren, but admits that "engagement with the other side" sometimes "makes everyone a little unhappy and uncomfortable." Noreen Malone thinks Obama's "selling out." Hannah Rosin thinks this is all "liberal group think" that amounts to "pretending evangelicals don't exist"—and calls to let Warren speak for himself.

* In inauguration dating news: This 40-year-old seeks a date for a ball; this out-of-town 26-year-old is looking for a place to stay—not for the inauguration, just any old time.

* Local poet Sandra Beasley wrote this week's XX Files essay on how to fake it: If "it" means becoming an impromptu motorcycle model for a televised magic show:

The director hadn't instructed us on attitude, so I kept rotating expressions. Ten seconds smiling. Ten second scowling. Ten seconds of terrified, we're-crushing-him! face. We kept rolling. Down the ramp. Steve cut the engine.

"That's it?" I asked.

* The Candy Pitch presents: The Twelve Days of Christmas, burlesque style.

Photo via trialsanderrors.