* This 49-year-old local man would “love to have the pleasure of your company over weekend, Monday or Tuesday,” ladies. Rest assured that this blond-haired, blue-eyed man about town “knows the dining and club/bar scene, museums, galleries, monuments, etc. pretty well.” His “full-disclosure,” however, requires bullet points:

- I do not have tickets to the inauguration or the parade.
- Ditto for inaugural ball tickets.

* Hey, this 24-year-old woman doesn’t have tickets either. The difference? She’s a 24-year-old woman. And she says she’s hot!S: “oh and for those who worry that i might be some form of jabba the hut’s reincarnate or something like that – i’m a fit, petite? (5′5″ish) brunette. and i don’t have any slave girls.”

* This “attractive, petite, social, college educated, female tourist from Manhattan” is sick of whatever punk keeps flagging her post for removal. Jealous? “Idk who keeps flagging/removing my post or why,” she writes. “Perhaps its someone I chose not to go with. There is no reason to flag this post because there is nothing inappropriate in my add. I’m just going to keep posting it and eventually whomever is flagging it, is going to move on with his life.

* Well, someone’s excited! “FREE JANUARY 19,20,” writes a 54-year-old ALEXANDRIA VA woman. WOULD LOVE TO HANG OUT FOR SOME CLEAN FUN. AND SEE WHERE IT GO FROM THERE SBF, GOODLOOKING. LOOKING FOR LTR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE RIGHT GUY. BETWEEN THE AGE OF 50-58. LETS PARK OUR CARS AND HAVE FUN FIGURING OUT HOW TO GET AROUND THE CITY ON THIS VERY IMPORTANT DAY IN HISTORY.”

* This 23-year-old woman needs a date to a party. A lot of her friends are going to be there, including her ex-boyfriend! Help her show him what he’s been missing—if you are “Smart,” a “Conversationalist,” “Progressive,” “prefferably attractive,” and are “able to dress appropriately for a party,” you could be the Craigslist stranger who goes home alone when she decides she’s not over him.

Photo by Woody1778a.

* Not linking to this one because you can search for it if you really want to see some very naughty photos—this poster seeks in inauguration week orgy. “I’m gathering HORNY + HOT men interested in meeting for a sexy get together at a Hotel in NOVA,” writes the poster. “Looking for 10-15+ guys, who are clean, D & D free, and have no qualms about getting naked and joining for a GAY group sex!” Here are the rules, if you can decipher them: “No drugs, Poppers are ok. Toys, and cock rings, Leather, jockstraps are okay too. Mandatory clothes check too. Let’s get naked guys!”

* Finally, somebody just fucking says it: “Will put out for inauguration.” Complete with wet-t-shirt bum photos!

* Can someone explain to me what the “str8″ scene is? I assume it’s closeted gay men, but why bother specifying? In this ad, which has been flagged for removal, a “str8 curious guy” seeks “a cool laid back guy to hang with and show me around.” But looks like he’s more than a little curious: “love to jerk and show off and oral,” he writes.

* In case you missed it: revisit the inauguration date request of the year.

Image via mcmay

* This 22-year-old Midwestern woman [posting has been flagged for removal] enjoys the finer things in life—do you have them? “I’m a very outgoing intelligent, educated, attractive women who would enjoy a fun historic moment with someone,” she writes. “I would like to go to places where that are high end and classy (different than what I’m used to) so someone who is well of financially would be appropriate.” Those who can offer her a refined inaugural experience won’t be disappointed. “I’m not trying to brag but I’m sure you’ll find me very appealing,” she writes. But this Midwesterner isn’t looking for just any well-off, high-end, classy guy. “Note that it is extremely important that I’m attracted to you; otherwise there is not point,” she writes.

* A 48-year-old San Francisco woman promises to be “the mysterious beautiful woman who will meet you at the Inauguration,” teasing: “I’ll be there, will you? Yes? Then we shall dance.” Post-inauguration plans include an extravagant bi-coastal romance. “Will you join me in San Francisco for more?” she asks.

* This 34-year-old lady wisely disguises her inauguration ticket-digging by first waxing political about her blue-state ideals. “Interested in making new friends, going on a date, or talking about the events of our nation together,” she writes, slyly adding: ” Maybe we could go to an inaugural ball, if I can find something to wear!” She then asks three questions of her potential date:

Have you worked on the campaign trail in the past?
Are you excited about Obama and where we are headed?
Are you looking for a date for any event during the inauguration?

Wonder which one is most important?

* This 32-year-old man is flexible in his request for “inauguration fun”: he’ll take either “a nice lady or female couple.” But it’s not all fun and games, he writes; He’s looking for “serious inquiries only.”

Photo by Kingfox.

Who’s looking for inauguration week tail romance this week? A round-up!

* When “35 year old white married guy” arrives in D.C. for the historic inauguration, he hopes that the date marks a personal milestone, too. “I am completely inexperienced in this but have wanted to be in various stages of intimacy with a man for a very looooong time,” he writes. “My wife has no idea (obviously) and I just want to have a nice time with some nice guy.” The six-foot, 250-pound male-curious traveler insists that he “would really like NOT to spend [the inauguration] in my hotel room jerking off . . . alone, at least!” He adds that his “dream is to worship some nice muscles.”

* This 36-year-old San Francisco redhead is “attractive,” “smart,” and “fabulous in formal wear.” Add one to the list: Free-loading. “I will be in DC for the inauguration and would love to find a date to an inaugural ball,” she writes. “I don’t have tickets but am looking for someone who does.”

* This 27-year-old “BBW” posts a photo of her feet in red, kitten-toed heels—then airs her presumptions. “I brought my sexy dress for a ball but . . . i have no tickets . . . no date . . . no nothing!” she writes. “i would love to be your date for any of the histortic events!!!!”

* Into caps-lock? You’ll love this 36-year old woman (posting expired) who “WOULD LIKE TO GO TO THE INAUGURATION BALL ON JAN. 20TH CAN SOMEONE MAKE MY WISH COME TRUE AND TAKE ME? I AM A SEXY WHITE FEMALE.” Your picture gets hers, but take note—she is “NOT INTO HEAD GAMES SO PLEASE BE REAL AND FUN.”

* What’s this—a reasonable inauguration-themed personals ad? This 40-year-old Montgomery County woman isn’t fishing for inauguration tickets or access to balls, and says she’d be just fine at “a private party with some hip, liberal thinking people.” The petite, divorced Jewish date-seeker writes that she is “somewhat new to the region, and not as well connected as I would like to be,” and that her dream inauguration date involves skipping the Mall to “watch it on a big screen with some good people!” Somebody, make her dream come true!

Photo of President Bush’s 2005 inauguration by eralon.

Who’s looking for inauguration week tail romance this week? A round-up!

* One 40-year-old visitor looking for a room to rent posted what looks like a perfectly reasonable ad, when viewed in your Google Reader: “Coming to the Inauguration. Looking for a room to rent close to the action. Must have nice clean condo, apartment or house. Please respond with your stats and rental rates. Would like to play a little! Let me know asap.” But click on the posting, and you will find a photo of this man’s penis, to which I will not link you! This is “men seeking men,” not “casual encounters,” good sir!

* That recently widowed “very nice man” from Old Town Alexandria is still looking for a dinner date—with the possibility of an inauguration ball follow-up. This time, the ticket-holder suggests “some wine pairing and delicious mezze/tapas” at Proof, followed by some museum-going. “Then—if you are feeling comfortable with me (which I will be attempting at all costs) perhaps we can take a quick stroll through the National Portrait Gallery across the street. It’s phenomenal!”

* This 56-year-old Takoma Park resident seeks some sober inauguration-week fun with a “partner in crime,” if not in drunkenness.

* This “in-shape landscaper” is off for the winter and heading to our fair city in January. He’s “in need or lodging (will pay) and possibly somebody to fuck around with.” Deal-breaker: He’s HIV-positive and seeking the same.

* This 28-year-old craigslister’s New Years resolution for 2009 is to “not pick up anyone from a bar.” The exceptions come fast: “St Patty Day, Cinco de Mayo, and any happy hour where its 2-4-1 Patron Tequila.” And? “Oh, and Inauguration week.

Photo by drstout.

FUNNY
witty
outgoing
engrossing
Jewish
Italian look
great Armani dresser
poignant
plenty of social gravitas
work in the media biz
divorced
stable
attractive
engaging
compelling
big-picture personality akin to NY/Wash./SF/LA renaissance

Whew! Doozy! Now, here are your stats, lucky refined lady:

very regal
presense–laden
powerful woman
black-business-suit woman
in her late 30’s, 40’s, mid 50’s
to be my femme fatale
sleek
power-driven
co-pilot
loves and relsihes the concept of being at the big to-do with an equally compelling man that sort of “gets it”.

Sort of. So, any thoughts on who this San Francisco “media biz” gravitas-having divorcee is?

Out of the responses that have included photographic evidence, Harris says he’s narrowed his choice down to 10 possible dates. “[Four] of them are flying in to meet with me from out of the area,” he writes. “The 6 remaining happen to be within a radius of the DC metro area give a take of 100 miles.” One submission in particular, though, has caught Harris’ eye. “I must await the return of what I think is a special person to return from Italy on the 30th,” he writes. “An Italian TV station wants to document the whole thing.”

The Italian beauty notwithstanding, women in search of Harris’ spare ticket still have a chance to get on his dance card, but he reiterates they must include a photo of themselves. “some young ladies write a 2 and 3 page thesis on themselves,” writes Harris. “However, they forgot to attach a photo.”

1. Is This Man Your Ticket to the Inauguration?
2. Man Madness: Brookings Institution Vs. Georgetown University
3. The Morning After: Go G0y! Edition
4. The Manliest Workplace Competition
5. eHarmony Fail

Photo via trialsanderrors.

Haven’t heard back from Eleanor about your tickets to the inauguration? No personal promises that Barack will hook you up with a couple ball passes? Fret not! Last week, The Sexist suggested you compete for the affections of someone with a golden ticket. Today, I present Plan B: Work for it.

Back in 2005, I had the pleasure of attending a decadent Jan. 20 inauguration party held in the hallowed halls of the Smithsonian American History Museum. Martinis were shaken. Black ties were loosened. Mini-quiches were consumed.

Granted: It was the “Michigan State Society Ball,” I was wearing a cheap tuxedo, and I was tasked with circulating a tray of to drunk fancy old people, none of whom I recognized. But O, the pleated pants I wore! The clip-on bow tie I clipped on! The entire tray of picked-over petite pastries hors d’oeuvres I consumed furiously behind a heavy velvet curtain, outside of the incessant gaze of my manager!

If you really want to get inside an inaugural ball, start calling local caterers (I used to work for Restaurant Associates, which is based outside of the Kennedy Center and regularly caters for the Smithsonian) and see if they’re hiring for the new year. Or, wait until Jan. 20, stake out a ball location, put on a tux—bonus if you’re a lady—with a plain, non-ruffled shirt and traction-heavy black shoes, and slip into a line of service penguins outside in the catering tent.

Photo by jrotunda85.

1. Is This Man Your Ticket to the Inauguration?
2. Advice on How Not to Advise Women Not to Get Raped
3. Man Madness: Brookings Institution vs. Georgetown University
4. Man Madness: Heritage Foundation Vs. Howard University
5. Sean Avery’s “Sloppy Seconds”: A Pansy’s Insult

Photo by trialsanderrors.

Typically, an ad like this would disappear into the Internet ether of m4w personals, several hundred of which are posted in the Washington, D.C., metro area each day. But Harris, CEO of Harris Consulting Group, an information technology government consulting firm, holds this year’s personals trump card: He’s got two tickets to the inauguration, and an all-access pass to the night’s balls and off-shoot parties. Packages like that are being auctioned on eBay for upward of $7,000. A date with Harris is free—and hard to come by.

One week after posting the ad, Harris had received messages from 720 willing women. He’s yet to find one worthy of a response. Interested parties may contact Harris at harrisgroup2009@aol.com. Below, how to draft an e-mail that might catch Harris’ eye.

COVER THE BASICS. Interested inauguration dates must include a method of contact, be between the ages of 25 and 39, and be comfortable in ball gowns. Race is unimportant, but applicants must have “weight in proportion to height.”

INCLUDE A PHOTO. Forty-five percent of respondents to Harris’ ad haven’t included a photo. “That’s the first criteria,” says Harris, who adds that the requirement is more than simple vanity. With all the high profile parties to attend on Inauguration Day, Harris’ date “needs to be someone who doesn’t mind being photographed,” he says—”or being in the company of celebrities.” An additional 40 percent of respondents committed a similar gaffe: stating they didn’t even know how to attach a photograph to an e-mail. “Given the high volume of responses, I do not have time to teach someone how to do that, in this day and age,” says Harris.

BE MORE THAN THAT PHOTO. “Naturally, we’re all looking for someone that looks nice,” admits Harris. “But I was raised in a manner where beauty is only skin deep.” So while some with tickets to the Jan. 20 festivities are looking only for inaugural arm candy, Harris says he wants a date who will stay interesting “beyond the inauguration.” That means presenting yourself as “honest, caring, respectful, intelligent, fashionable, and a good conversationalist.” Harris also needs a woman who will be comfortable slipping out of that ball gown and donning “sweat socks and sweatshirt and jeans so we can just relax and cuddle around the fire.” Having nice legs doesn’t hurt, either. “Every man has one weakness,” says Harris. “Legs are my Achilles heel.”

PICK A TEAM NAME. ANY TEAM NAME. If you make it to the post-e-mail selection round—a cup of coffee—here are some tips to get the conversation rolling. Harris enjoys international travel, current events, and sports. All of them. “When it comes down to sitting down and watching them, I love all sports,” says Harris. “I can’t say I really have a favorite team,” he says—though an old allegiance to the Giants may still hold some weight.

DON’T ASK FOR TOO MUCH. Of the 15 percent of respondents who passed the photo hurdle, Harris says he’s heard from many suitable dates that meet his criteria. So far, those women don’t live in the area—and are expecting Harris to pay for transport. He won’t.

NO HATERS. Obama’s will be the first inauguration to which Harris will have the chance to invite a date, but he says the tickets came to him by “being in the right place at the right time,” not politics. Harris keeps his own views “close to the vest”—accordingly, potential dates need not have voted for the president-elect to get on Harris’ ticket. “But naturally, I would not want to be with a person who is a ‘hater’ of the person we’re celebrating,” he adds. “That would prove to be very uncomfortable.”

DROP SOME PORTUGUESE. Harris is currently studying the language to help maximize his annual trips to Brazil’s Carnival. Harris says he holds a penthouse apartment on Copacabana beach, which he makes use of during the festivities each February. Harris says that willing inaugural dates may soon become Brazilian penthouse guests. “I’m going alone to Brazil,” he says. “I would love to have this date, if the friendship matures to that level, accompany me on my travels.”

BE SENSITIVE. Harris is mending a broken heart—his ex-girlfriend recently broke up with him, three weeks before Thanksgiving and two months before the inauguration. “I wish I could take a pill to make the pain go away,” says Harris, who says the new flood of interested women is a big shift from his last missive with his ex. “She broke up with me via e-mail,” he says.