The Westboro Baptist Church, proud owner of godhatesfags.com, is hitting up the Equality March in Washington D.C. this weekend, Joe My God reports. If the church’s nonsensical picket schedule can be believed, Fred Phelps and friends will be hitting up three D.C. locations in one big anti-gay tour: The D.C. Jewish Community Center, the Annual HRC National Dinner, and the National Equality March. See what Phelps and the gang have planned for their protests, after the jump. Spoiler alert: Antichrist Obama is gonna be there!

Protest: Queer Simchat Torah Celebration

Date: Saturday, October 10, 5:30 to 6 p.m.

Location: D.C. Jewish Community Center, 1529 16th Street NW

Commentary: “Jews Killed Jesus, and love fags, go figure,” the schedule reads. “Antichrist Obama, who loves fags way more than you Jewish dummies, is going to be in DC. He is speaking at the fag event, but not for you Jews. Get the message?!”

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Protest: HRC National Dinner

Date: Saturday, October 10, 6:15 to 7 p.m.

Location: Washington Convention Center, 809 Mt. Vernon Place NW

Commentary: “Obama Hates You dumb fags,” the schedule reads. “He is going to use your money and your resources and then when he shows himself for what he is, he will merely destroy you along with the rest of this nation of self-loathing hypocrites. . . . But more to the point, God has done this thing. You have so enraged Him that he has sent you this creature to be your ruler.”

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Protest: National Equality March

Date: Sunday, October 11, 10 to 11 a.m.

Location: Between 15th and I Street and the Capitol Building.

Commentary: “You are not equal with God, Silly,” the schedule reads. “What, oh WHAT are you going to do when Obama has completely destroyed this nation’s economy by the hand of a Sovereign God? You know what kind of money it takes to keep up those various facades! That is going to be some funny, scary stuff.”

Photo by k763

Maryland Citizens for Responsible Government is a conservative group which opposes gender identity protections in the state. The group’s president, Ruth Jacobs, says stuff like: ““If somebody with an opposite body part is allowed in to a ladies’ restroom—a guy who has a penis, who could put his penis inside my vagina—what am I to do?” The group’s recent written materials, too, strike that special blend of horror, humor, and confusion.

Horrific: In a recent flier, the group refers to Human Rights Campaign staffer Allyson Robinson—a transgender female—as a “male transsexual.” I’m beginning to think that these people just indiscriminately pick a gender, tack on a trans term, and run with it:

Funny: The flier then attempted to point supporters to the group’s anti-transgender Web site, notmyshower.com—but accidentally sent readers to notmyshower.net:

Hey, I wonder what notmyshower.net is all about?

Would you rather spend an evening wading through right-wing materials on the sanctity of traditional bathroom arrangements, or a German party casino? Downloaden!

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Confusing: As Jim Kennedy points out at Teach the Facts, this bill was passed a year ago. Live in the now!

Tomorrow, the U.S. House will vote on HR 1913, the “Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act.” Also known as the “Matthew Shepard Act,” it would add the categories of sexual orientation, gender, gender identity, and disability to federal hate crime legislation.

The Human Rights Campaign is urging you to voice your support of the bill to Congress. Others want you to contact Congress, too—to protest the “un-American” bill with the sole aim of “punishing wrong beliefs about homosexuality” that “could lead to the criminalization of the Biblical view of homosexuality in sermons and elsewhere.”

Oh, bills—they “could” always “lead” places.

The Human Rights Campaign has released a report detailing the ad’s inaccuracies, which is great. But the HRC has outdone itself this time by tracking down the audition reels of actors stumbling over ridiculous NOM lines like “the clouds are dark and the winds are strong, and I’m afraid.” The auditions are after the jump.

Insider tip: The actress in “Audition 3″ is unbelievable.

Auditions For Marriage Lie Ad, Part 1 from Joe Smoe on Vimeo.

Auditions For Marriage Lie Ad, Part 2 from Joe Smoe on Vimeo.

UPDATE: The original auditions have been pulled off Youtube. Vimeo picked them up, allowing us all to continue to laugh at unsuspecting actors duped into stumbling over ridiculous anti-gay rhetoric. Thanks, Vimeo!

UPDATE 2: Vimeo’s pulled them, too. Citizen bloggers are downloading their own copies at keepvid.com and reposting them on youtube until they, too, are pulled. I’ll try my best to keep this site updated with watchable videos.

Craig Schniderman, Food & Friends (described above): $382,200
Joe Solomese, Human Rights Campaign: $338,400
Chuck Wolfe, The Victory Fund: $220,000
Donald Blanchon, Whitman-Walker Clinic: $170,000
Mara Keisling, National Center for Transgender Equality: $82,321
Dyana Mason, Equality Virginia: $59,000

On being an in-demand activist:

I’m busy! Gay, gay, gay all the time. I didn’t know it was gonna be thus much work! Geez! Every day, ‘This is something gay, can you do this?’ I’ll be there! …And I keep saying gay. I haven’t got all the correct terminology down. So many women come up to me, hard-core lesbians: “Wanda! You gotta stop saying gay! You’re a lesbian!…you’re not gay! Men are gay! You’re a lesbian, you’re a woman!” I’m like calm down dyke I just started this!

On gay marriage opponents:

It’s just amazing to me how people get involved in something that doesn’t concern them. You know, if they would just mind their own damned business…The economy’s all messed up, it’s all about the economy right now. And think of all that money they’re losing (from) gay weddings. Wouldn’t you love to have some of that gay wedding money?

On gay marriage:
“It’s just a relationship. It’s just two people who love each other, just trying to deal with each other and get through life together, that’s all. Just trying to build something together. Relationships are all the same. You’ve got one person who likes to talk a lot and the other person who pretends to listen.”
On Republicans:
“Talk about evil people, they’re just nasty! (Rush Limbaugh) saying, ‘I want the president to fail!’ What kind of bullshit is that? He thinks screw everybody else. Screw everybody, I just want to win! That’s treason, right? I’m like, ‘Let’s not close Guantanamo (Bay), send Rush Limbaugh’s big ass over there! He’s a terrorist!’”
On aging:
“It ain’t fun getting old. It’s not. I don’t consider myself old it’s just little things that happen that people don’t tell you about. The bladder ain’t what it used to be. I used to carry an extra pair of panties in my purse back in the day in case I got lucky. Now it’s in case I sneeze!”

The media’s short-shrifting of gay inaugural events didn’t stop at Rev. Gene Robinson’s untelevised prayer at Sunday’s Lincoln Memorial concert, says AMERICAblog’s John Aravosis.

“There seemed to be a dearth of coverage about the gay and lesbian side of the inaugural festivities. Our readers reported that a number of networks oddly cut away from the inaugural parade the moment the gay band showed up,” he writes.* “And not much mention of the gay ball the Human Rights Campaign held Tuesday night.”

Ben Finzel, who reviewed the HRC event for Gay.com, filed a similar gripe with what he refers to as the “so-called ‘mainstream’ press”; he called the coverage of the event a “seeming press blackout.”

Washington City Paper, for one, did not attend the HRC’s star-studded fete (Melissa Etheridge, Cyndi Lauper, and Rufus Wainwright performed)—not that we were invited. Stretched pretty thin during the four-day inaugural gauntlet, this paper’s GLBT after-hours coverage amounted to a couple scenes from the People’s Inaugural GLBT Gayla, held last Sunday night at the Historical Society.

But was the press biased in its lack of extensive coverage of Tuesday’s HRC ball? I’m not sure how the HRC coverage stacks up against that of all the other mainstream balls, but when it comes down to it, I can’t really care too much. After all, it was just a party on a night of a thousand parties, and one that President Obama was unlikely to be attending (his dance card was pretty full that night). Sure, I would have loved to hear Lauper serenade Barack and Michelle with “At Last,” too. But arguing that your ball didn’t get enough recognition on Tuesday sounds like sour grapes. It’s a party. Just dress up, get a little drunk, listen to Melissa, then get up on Wednesday and get ready to fight real injustice.

* Not locally, it seems: Metro Weekly has footage of Fox 5’s announcement of the Lesbian and Gay Band Association as they pass President Obama in the inaugural parade.

Photo by DDFic.

Welcome to the final bracket of the Manliest Workplace in D.C. Competition! Well, well, it’s sure been a wild ride, hasn’t it, what with the whatsits in the Union bracket and the whosits in Government (Relive the glory of the full 64-workplace bracket here). This week: Advocacy groups compete for final D.C. do-man-ation!

Get it?

HUMAN RIGHTS CAMPAIGN: There’s nothing manlier than Human, am I right ladies? Or am I wrong? I’ve culled the top positions from the HRC’s staff chart, along with its four D.C.-based board members, to find out. Let’s go to the standings!

President Joe Solmonese (Male, 10 points)
Managing Director Susanne Salkind (Female, ZERO)
Board Member Kim Allman (Female, ZERO)
Board Member Marjorie Chorlins (Female, ZERO)
Board Member John Isa (Male, 6 points)
Board Member Mary Snider (Female, ZERO)
Ctr. for the Study of Equality Manager Ché Juan Gonzales Tabisola (Male, 4 points)
Senior Communications Manager Michael Cole (Male, 3 points)
Assoc. Dir. for Diversity Donna Payne (Female, ZERO)
Assoc. Dir. for Diversity Allyson Robinson (Female, ZERO)

With 23 out of a possible 55, the HRC is mannish at best. But maybe—just maybe—that’s enough to pull an underdog, Cinderella, half-court at the buzzer victory in the advocacy bracket which, let’s face it, is pathetically girly next to say, the Teamsters.

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EMILY’S LIST: This D.C.-based advocacy org. supports pro-choice women in politics. You know what that means: As a traditionally female workplace, EMILY’s List qualifies for the Sexist’s Affirmative Action clause, earning it an instant extra ten points atop its surely pathetic man standing. A hasty once-over of the org. chart could only locate five top staff, so I’ve doubled the score and added the bonus. Let’s get this over with:

President and Founder Ellen R. Malcolm (Female, ZERO)
Executive Director Ellen Moran (Female, ZERO)
Chief of Staff Britt Cocanour (Female, ZERO)
WOMEN VOTE! Director Maren Hesla (Female, ZERO)
Political Director Jonathan Parker (Male, 6 points)

With 22 points (6*2 + 10) out of a possible 55, EMILY’s List registers a few cracks in D.C.’s glass ceiling, but it just barely falls to the mighty HRC. Tomorrow: Will the American Conservative Union prove manlier than HIPS (also a traditionally female workplace)? Only HR knows for sure!

Photo by the wonderfully comprehensive NCinDC.

Today, the gay rights group Human Rights Campaign will release a letter to President-elect Barack Obama strongly backing her. The catch: The group last week backed Rep. Linda Sanchez for the post.

“You would have received our letter in support of Representative Sánchez’s candidacy for Secretary of Labor last week,” HRC President Joe Solmonese writes, asking for a mulligan.

If nominated—and confirmed—Maxwell would be the first openly gay U.S. presidential cabinet member.

* Juicy Campus has hit George Washington University. How do G.W. gossips compare to Georgetown’s finest? So far, Juciy Campus’ G.W. page seems to have a lot more nonsense on it. That’s a good thing, writes Travis of G.W. student blog The Colonialist: “I spent the weekend surfing the site a lot, putting up things about myself and my roommates. I’d like to openly admit to writing all 10 of the comments calling The GW Patriot racist. I’d be willing to bet that 80% of the posts on the site are done with the same innocent prank attitude. It’s a playground.”

* The New Gay blogger inspired, depressed by gay couples. TNG’s Jon surveyed the scene at the annual HRC fundraiser on Saturday: “Men were holding hands, women were kissing, and partners were snuggling up and laughing together at their tables,” Jon laments. “This is all wonderful of course, but it served as an in-your-face reminder that I’m currently partner-less.”

* Sex blogger dude Roissy in D.C. says the recession will mean better sex:

If a protracted and deep recession leads to the average woman cutting costs at the supermarket and steering clear of the high calorie packaged foodstuffs, it could mean more slender women and, consequently, better sex. . . . Hard times bring “hard” times.

Hmm. Maybe it will also teach Roissy a lesson in economics.

* Local blogger Jimbo makes an appearance at Maryland Renaissance Festival, hears best catcall ever: “Oooh, gurl, he’s dressed up like an evil sex sorceror.”

* Before the presidential face-offs resume tonight, let’s remember just how far we’ve come since last Thursday’s veep debates. Thanks to The Guardian’s Michelle Goldberg for highlighting Palin’s most nonsensical non-answer:

Say it ain’t so, Joe, there you go again pointing backwards again. You preferenced [sic] your whole comment with the Bush administration. Now doggone it, let’s look ahead and tell Americans what we have to plan to do for them in the future. You mentioned education, and I’m glad you did. I know education you are passionate about with your wife being a teacher for 30 years, and god bless her. Her reward is in heaven, right? … My brother, who I think is the best schoolteacher in the year, and here’s a shout-out to all those third graders at Gladys Wood Elementary School, you get extra credit for watching the debate.

Shit, is it possible to just place a [sic] around an entire quote? Or to have one floating over her head every time she speaks? Get on it, magic Jesus.

Photo by dumbonyc, in mourning of last night’s re-run of Gossip Girl. –XOXO, The Sexist