Boy, is it hard to get a stripper to take your phone call. I’ve called a lot of strip clubs in my day, and it’s always the same: You call. You get a grainy message listing off the names of the strippers you can see that evening. You’re told to call another number to get actual information on the club. That number is a fax machine.

But it doesn’t matter. Those grainy strip club messages, man—those are the whooooole reason I’m calling.

I’m sure a lot of guys dial those numbers and wait anxiously on the line to hear their favorite girl’s name, to decide if the bodies present are compelling enough to make them slip out of the house. Not me. I don’t have a favorite girl—I just like listening to somebody record a long and glorious list of ridiculous stripper names into the telephone, every day of the week.

I encourage everybody to call the clubs themselves—that way you get the extras, like the speaker pausing for a second as she turns the page on her stripper list, or the list of specials, like “prime rib, filet mignon, sandwiches.” But for those who don’t want the numbers saved in their cell phone histories, I give you: Tonight’s entertainment!

—

Good Guys
2311 Wisconsin Ave NW
(202) 333-8128

Nearly completely incomprehensible today—yes!

Sandra
May
Ellen
Sexy
Russia
Patty
Desire
Saphire
Mya

—

Camelot
1823 M Street NW
(202) 887-5966

Day:

Amanda
Ashley
Ceci
Dakota
Jasmine
Jennifer
Kristin
Lindsey
Lura
Mia
Nadia
Natasha
Toni

Night:

“Amanda 2″
Audrey
Carli
Carmella
Felicia
Jasmine
Katia
Lynette
Marilyn
Sheena
Skyler
Stephanie
Tina Marie
Tanya
Vita

—

Archibald’s
1520 K St NW
(202) 737-2662

Fuck, all they say is they have “75 beautiful women” on staff. The daily schedule’s at the Web site:

Chase
Georgia
Hazel
Kitty
Layla
Lisa
Masumi
Natalie
Nature
Versai

—

The House
3530 Georgia Ave. NW
(202) 882-2014

Shit, a guy actually picks up the phone here. I panic and tell him I have the wrong number.

Photo by Alexander O’Neill.