A week from today, if the McCain-Palin ticket manages an unexpected, mavericky victory and clinches the presidency, low-rent bloggers, editorial cartoonists, and Hustler will all silently rejoice. Sarah Palin has been a Wasilla-Assembly-of-God-send for Web traffic numbers (Exhibits A and B) since her sudden Sept. nomination as McCain’s veep. News of Hustler’s Palin spoof porn alone has sent thousands of clicks to this modest local outfit. To those googling for “sarah palin adult film,” “palin porn preview,” and “adult film stars palin look-a-like“: I salute you!

If Palin doesn’t push her running mate over the edge by Election Day, it’s going to be a real ratings suck for Internet publications across the blogosphere. What new trend could possibly replace Palin? Here are five suggestions, based on this blog’s other top google hits. Integrate these lessons into your Web copy, and it’s smooth sailin’ until 2012.

5. Lindsay Lohan. Ever since Lindsay Lohan went gay, she’s been even more like Web traffic honey: sweet and sticky. Work Lindsay + Lohan + gay into your blog posts, sprinkle on a coating of Samantha + Ronson, and let the admirers, the haters, and the perverts roll in.

4. Breast cake. This is the gift that keeps on giving. Sure, it helps to get your messed-up Breast Cancer Awareness Cake linked to by the estimable Cake Wrecks. But it’s not just survivors and strange cake enthusiasts googling this search term. I’m not sure what most folks are looking for when they google “breast cake,” but google they do, and hit-hungry bloggers would do good to reign them in.

3. Drinking Game. Sure, we might not need this as much if Palin isn’t destined for One Observatory Circle. But if not Sarah Palin, somebody has to screw up our lives. It might as well be us.

2. Live Blog. An obsessive refresher’s wet dream. After the election, intrepid bloggers will have to find other wonkish events about which to provide up-to-the-minute inane commentary. Congress? Sigh.

1. Farting women. Trust me on this one.

After six months, Abrams abandoned his fledgling military career, took a job at a local stationery shop, and set to work on his true love: cartooning.

Abrams’ cartoons are a lot more interesting than missile trajectories. In one, a woman seductively lifts the front of her dress to reveal a slim, snaking trail of farts. In another, a woman passionately embraces a large, dark fart cloud. In yet another, a grinning fart cloud laughs as it sidles up alongside a scantily-clad woman.

“Since I was in school, I drew ladies around puffs of smoke; smoke from dust, cigarettes, that sort of thing,” says Abrams. “That slowly, slowly evolved into drawing fart clouds around the person.”

After a while, people began to take notice of Abrams’ new muse. “They would be like, ‘What’s up with all the girls farting?’” says Abrams. “I just think it’s kind of funny,” he explains. “I’ve known a lot of females who are embarrassed when they fart. But everyone does it, so I like to laugh and poke fun at it.”

Abrams recently published selections from his flatulent women line as a small ‘zine titled “Ferzan” (the Old High German word for “break wind”). Abrams says the collection shows how far his fart drawings have progressed over the years. “At one point, I was like, they cant all just be farting,” says Abrams. “The fart clouds need to be doing something interesting. So I’ll, you know, have a little guy who’s fighting a witch with a big fart monster that’s appearing beneath her as she’s flying around.”

In addition to his fart line, Abrams also draws a cartoon called “Remake,” which follows a “robot boy” who wields a gun with the power to transform objects into random things. “Sometimes he’s a jerk, sometimes he’s really nice, I guess like any of us,” says Abrams. “He has a robot roommate named Cardigan. They get into crazy adventures I guess.” Abrams says the “Remake” brand of kid shenanigans and offbeat humor is targeted at both adults and older kids. As for “Ferzan”? “That’s not for kids, no,” says Abrams.

“Remake” can be found at Big Planet Comics in College Park, Md. Both “Remake” and “Ferzan” can be ordered from Abrams’ Web site, neo-rama.com.